The purpose of life is a life of purpose
– Robert Byrne
American chess player, Grandmaster and author
I love “Law & Order” and “Cold Case” types of programs, because of the cleverness of the characters in discerning truth from lies (either from witnesses or clues at a crime scene). I find it fascinating. Detective Goren from “Law & Order: Criminal Intent” seems to know everything about just everything, which is a plot device that sometimes strains credulity, but, in general, I find the most interesting leaps to be that of a “gut feeling” or a “hunch” which is not easily explained by logic until after the fact.
Some people are better at this than others – perhaps it’s an inner talent that is unique, or maybe that individual just pays more attention to detail, or maybe it’s just the willingness to listen to that still, soft voice that tells you something just isn’t right.
I find that many people who call my radio program with concerns about the behaviors of someone they’re dating already “knew” on some level that something just wasn’t right. But they ignored or denied those feelings because they wanted the fantasy to be true. Generally, these desired fantasies turn into disasters.
One caller earlier this week met a guy online who immediately treated her like he was her fairy godmother. “Zap” with his wand, and they were off to foreign lands for lunch and distant places for vacations. She found out that he was still married, even though he had said he was divorced. She called me all upset and sad.
I told her that she had behaved like a slut (yeah, I said that), because he had money. Certainly, she couldn’t have believed that he loved her – he didn’t even KNOW her! She was gullible and pretty and sexually available and that was what he was looking for. He wasn’t looking for the love of his life. She, however, wanted the princess fairy tale, and she had it for two months. Meanwhile, she had suspended her good sense about why a man would operate like this with no real knowledge of the woman. Answer? Knowledge of the woman was not of interest to him. Showing off and having passionate sex with a very willing woman was what he really wanted.
Instead of worrying about not being able to trust men, and sobbing with great hurt at being dumped, I suggested that she start behaving like the kind of woman a real man without a selfish agenda would value. She didn’t listen to that small voice, and ended up used and humiliated.
Don’t deny what you know in your gut, even in the midst of what seems like the most unbelievable reality. It is unbelievable, because it is not to be believed.TrackBack URI
Romantically, beauty may be in the eyes of the beholder, but according to a new report from research done in Helsinki and London, girls are getting prettier, and guys are…well…not getting more handsome.
“Scientists have found that evolution is driving women to become ever more beautiful, while men remain as aesthetically unappealing as their caveman ancestors,” reports The London Times. Evidently, beautiful women have more children than their plainer counterparts, and a higher proportion of those children are females who tend to be attractive. A researcher at the University of Helsinki found beautiful women had up to 16% more children than plain women. An evolutionary psychologist at the London School of Economics proclaimed that good-looking parents were far more likely to conceive daughters. The most attractive parents (out of 15,000 Americans who were “judged”) were 26% less likely to have sons.
“Physical attractiveness is a highly heritable trait, which disproportionately increases the reproductive success of daughters much more than of sons. If more attractive parents have more daughters, and if physical attractiveness is heritable, it logically follows that women over many generations gradually become more physically attractive on average than men,” the researcher said.
Well, here’s my take. I don’t really know if any of this holds water, but let’s assume for a moment that it does. This means that a lot of beautiful women are marrying plain men because they are less into “beauty” and more into other qualities (like loyalty, fidelity, ability to provide and protect, sexual prowess, and status), while men want women who are beautiful because their beauty is a source of status for the male and a measure of her overall health for child-bearing.
Nonetheless, I was quite impressed with the beyond gorgeous hunk Tom Selleck, when I learned that he married a rather plain-looking woman, and quite put off with Bruce Willis, when he married some hottie almost half his age. To me, these choices told me the character and maturity of each man, with Selleck winning out.
All of these “soft science” reports are amusing, if not generally nonsense, and it is amazing how differently you feel about a person’s good looks after you meet and interact with them as opposed to just viewing a two-dimensional photograph.
My main point here is this: it’s a fact that we are first attracted or repelled by looks (no kidding). However, I suggest you try MY experiment: walk through a mall or a flower garden, and look at the people paired up and holding hands or talking softly to one another. It’s rare that one or both is “beautiful,” but it is not rare that they are happy with the depth of compassion, attention, affection, support, fun, and happiness that they obviously share.
The moral to this story? Have good hygiene, make the most of the physical qualities you have, and don’t focus at all on your looks (or anyone else’s for that matter). Put your best behavioral foot forward, and be open to meeting friends and a possible life partner based, instead, on how you make each other feel.TrackBack URI
A mother of a 14 year old asked this very good question. Watch to see my answer:
Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.
Read transcript here.TrackBack URI
I got this email from a self-described former “bad” wife, and I’ll let it speak for itself:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Some people are recovering alcoholics. I am a recovering bad wife. I don’t know much about the 12 step programs, but from the little TV I watch, I recall that the first step is to recognize that you have a problem, so here I go:
My name is S., and I am a bad wife. My addiction is not alcohol. My addiction is the “blame-it-all-on-the-husband” or “take-it-all-out-on-the-husband addiction.
I know you’ve described all of my symptoms much better than I can and much more eloquently in “The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands,” and that you’ve also given me the solutions to become a better wife, but I think my first step needs to be acknowledging my problem.
I acknowledge that I have too much on my plate, and that I cannot do it all well, and that my husband’s needs and desires have been at the bottom of my priority list for a long time. People will tell you I am a really nice person, always ready to help, and yet the one person I should be caring about the most (my husband), does not get the respect, the love, and the care that he deserves.
As of today, I am no longer a bad wife. I am a recovering bad wife, and I vow to be the girlfriend and wife my husband deserves.
Thank you, Dr. Laura, for hammering good sense into my head.
The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense.
– Thomas Alva Edison
American inventor, scientist and businessman
A now 17-year-old boy from Thousand Oaks, California recently sailed, by himself, some 28,000 miles in one year on a 36-foot sailboat. Zac Sunderland was 16 when he left Marina del Rey harbor in June, 2008.
The Associated Press writer was a bit snarky, I think, when writing: “But the shaggy-haired Thousand Oaks native might not hold the record of being the youngest person to sail around the world alone for long. British sailor Mike Perham is a few months younger than Sunderland, and is sailing a bigger, faster boat.”
If I were Zac’s mother, this would have annoyed me. I’m not his mother, but it annoys me. Assuming she or he wants to keep a scrapbook commemorating his sailing exploits, what a snarky thing to have included. “A few months…a bigger, faster boat.” So what?
Here is a 16 (now 17) year old kid who, instead of partying, abusing drugs, alcohol or hanging out with silly girls, instead of spending hours on Facebook, MySpace, Twitter or whatever, instead of hanging in his room sullen, instead of causing trouble at school, instead of driving too fast in the car he shouldn’t have been given in the first place, instead of a lot of typical teenage boy activities, took on a challenge that was to test his ability to discipline himself, live austerely, deal with unpredictable weather and seas, survive loneliness and fear, and fix equipment failures when warranted.
Shoving up his nose in print that someone else trying it is younger and has a better boat, shows, in my opinion, a complete ignorance of the difficulties and challenges he had to face. It is remarkable for such a young person to brave all the elements of wind and sea to take an incredible journey on his own. I am sure he now has a healthy respect for nature, life and himself. I am sure he won’t hesitate to face many other challenges on land. I am sure he won’t be abusing himself or substances to get a “rush.” I am sure he’s a fine young man who should be an inspiration to other teens. You are never too young to have a dream and go for it.
I’m sure his mom is very proud. She should be!TrackBack URI
I should have curly hair by now, especially considering the shenanigans and cruelty perpetrated on children by self-centered adults who have the title “parent.” Their behavior would curl anyone’s hair.
A 72-year-old woman realized that she “always wanted a child, but spent [her] younger years devoted to academics, achieving degrees in medical sciences and zoology. I’d always had it in the back of my mind that when the time was right I’d like to have a child. But my studies meant that children kept getting delayed. The right time finally came in my early 50s, and since then, I’ve been attempting, and failing, with IVF [in-vitro fertilization].”
This excuse for a prospective mother has never had a long term relationship (no time for that either), and therefore doesn’t even have an ancient daddy to provide for the child. As for her age? Well, she figures anyone can die at any time (and she’s a scientist? She’s supposed to understand actuarial tables). She really believes she’s going to last long enough in good enough health, or she says she’ll “ask one of my younger friends to be a guardian.”
So, IF she conceives (and I sincerely hope her 20 years of fertility failure continue), she’ll play with the kid and then just pass him or her off to some friend. Great.
Remember the Italian woman, then the oldest to give birth in 2006 at the age of 67? She died recently. You can count the age of her orphaned child on less than one hand.
If this woman succeeds, she will have the title of the oldest mother in the world. I would suggest that she will be the oldest female creature to give birth, as a real mother would never set up her own child for this selfish foolishness. I wish this fertility doctor would have his license revoked. The same should happen to the American doctor who impregnated the “Octomom.”
Freedoms without limits automatically encroach upon good sense, compassion, and someone else’s well-being. This is just another example of how insignificant the needs of children have become as compared to the impulsive, self-centered desires of adults who want children, but who don’t necessarily want to be bothered by the needs of children.TrackBack URI