Monthly Archives: January 2012

The Harsh Reality of Obsessive Exes

Over the years, every time I have told somebody they are in danger, they don’t want to hear it.  But it happens.  And so I’m going to impale it on your minds even more.  Here are just a few stories from the recent past:

1. A woman in Amsterdam was accused of stalking her ex-boyfriend for allegedly calling him 65,000 times in the past year.  After he filed a complaint with the police due to the excessive calls, the police arrested the woman and she argued she had a relationship with this man and didn’t see her calls to be excessive.  The man denied them ever having a relationship.

2. A British man bombarded his ex-girlfriend via email and Facebook messages asking her to take him back.  He set up a series of blogs warning people about her.  He was finally jailed for admitting he violated his restraining order.

3. A dumped lover in the Bronx hired his own cousin to kill his teenage girlfriend and tried to cover it up as a botched robbery.   He paid his cousin $1,000 to shoot the teenage girlfriend.  The ex-boyfriend warned if he couldn’t have her, then nobody could.  The girl was found shot dead with their baby in a car.

Those are just some of the thousands of stories.  When people get vengeful, they get obsessed; the ego can’t take the bruising and they want to control.  There are some people who are unable and unwilling to let go after a breakup. 

At first it seems they are, obviously, emotionally hurt.  That’s understandable.  They call, they visit, they keep arguing and try to reconcile.  Well that all sounds reasonable.  Then they’re following, stalking or threatening.  Then they vandalize belongings, which escalates to personal violence, and maybe even killing the partner’s pets.  If this isn’t dealt with and gets extreme, there can be kidnappings and killing of children, as well as murder and/or suicide.  This “obsessive-ex” syndrome is rampant.  Media usually report it by breaking it up into little pieces describing individual incidents only when they reach an extreme, instead of acknowledging the overall picture.  This obsessive-ex syndrome is not gender specific.  It usually doesn’t just go away.  Over one million women and 300,000 men are stalked annually in the United States. 

Stalking by definition is not a onetime act.  The course of conduct may involve a whole bunch of criminal acts. Taken one at a time they’re annoying but there definitely is a pattern.  Here’s a list of some of the stalking behaviors for you to look out for:

1. Assaulting the victim
2. Violating protective borders
3. Sexual assault
4. Vandalizing your property
5. Burglarizing your home
6. Threatening you
7. Killing your pet
8. Sending “forever” cards and gifts
9. Leaving telephone or email messages for you again and again and again
10. Disclosing to you personal stuff that they have found out
11. Telling a lot of people personal stuff about you
12. Following you
13. Going to your work or school…Just showing up
14. Sending photographs of you without consent
15. Monitoring your Internet history and computer usage
16. Using technology to gather images and information about you

This can be potentially fatal for you.  One of the reasons they do this is because they perceive you as weak and they say they want you back,  but really it’s their ego that needs saving.  It’s too dangerous.

Women Who Love Prisoners

There’s an increasing population of women who want to date, have sex with or marry death row prisoners.  Some women actually find that sexy.  So I did some research in trying to understand more about why a woman would be turned on by that. 

We all know women are turned on by the bad guys. Most women are turned on by bad guys because we’re biological organisms, we’re mammals, and a bad guy is strong (or perceived to be that way), and able to protect her because he’s dangerous.  The worse a guy is, the more attractive he may become to a woman.  Remember the musical “Grease”?  Sandy is a nice girl and she falls for Danny who is a bad boy rebel.  So there’s a huge physical aspect to the attraction; it’s animal.  A lot of times the women who seek out these inmates suffer from a variety of psychological problems like depression or poor self-esteem and they seek out the unconditional love of someone who has less than they do to make themselves feel validated.

Women also become fixated with these pieces of scum because of the popularity the media gives them.  I mean, Ted Bundy became a celebrity.  So did Scott Peterson — it was all Scott Peterson all the time on television for a while. A lot of these women just cannot find love, so they pretend this is love.  And a lot of women don’t want to have to deal with a guy every day. 

I found some information on some two sisters who did this.  Two middle-aged, Christian sisters, Avril and Rose, left long-term, boring marriages for men in prison.  One man had been convicted of a string of minor property offenses and the other man had killed his previous wife.  His new wife, Rose, said, “I have faith that if you’re genuine with the Lord, you’re a new person.  A lot of people have said I should be worried about him because of what he did in his background, which is pretty awful and violent, but I have no fear.”  Despite the women’s faith, both relationships ended tragically.  A week after his release, the thief blungeoned Avril to death with a hammer.  The other husband ended up back in prison after trying to cut off Rose’s ear and trying to pull out her teeth with pliers. 

One of the realities of women being attracted to these men isn’t often expressed, because it’s not politically correct, but it happens to be a reality: hybristophiliacs.  These are people sexually excited by violent outrages performed on others.  These women often send porn pictures of themselves to the prisoners.  These women are not necessarily “sit back and just get horny” about violence.  A playwright, Veronica Lynn Compton, began a torrid affair with one of the Hillside Stranglers.  You remember those guys?  They were two cousins who abducted, raped, and mutilated very young women and then they ritualistically displayed their corpses on hillsides in Los Angeles in the 70s.  Yeah. 

As part of an elaborate defense strategy, one of the stranglers, Kenneth Bianchi, asked Compton to kill a woman using his M.O., because then he could say, “See.  It wasn’t me.  I’m in here.”  DNA evidence was not available then. Only the blood type could be determined from the fluid samples, so he asked her to sprinkle the dead body with his sperm and passed her a sample in a rubber glove.  Compton tried but bungled the attempt to murder the woman and the prospective victim got away.  By the time Compton was in prison for attempted murder, Bianchi had married somebody else.  And then Compton found another sexual, serial killer to romance.  One year he sent her a photo of a decapitated female corpse as a Valentine’s Day card. 

Vicarious murder is sometimes a motivating factor.  It’s easier for these women to overlook the violence that offends all the rest of us if they have seriously considered it themselves.  Even while the woman is the creep’s culpability, it is his ability to murder that attracts her.  He acted out on his rage.  The woman just couldn’t get around to doing that because, “I don’t know, I just can’t…I just can’t murder.”  But what a turn on that he can!  “I can live in the glow of his being able to let go of that inhibition when I can’t.”   Pretty sick…pretty scary, pretty sick.    

As I’ve always said, there are always women around to embrace evil.  There are infinite numbers of stories you’ve heard of women who stay with their husbands after the husbands have molested the children or somebody else’s children.  They will defend them and they will send their own kids off to go somewhere else to keep that man.  I remember one call in particular (thank God I cannot crawl through a phone line).  She called to see if it was okay now that her husband  (the step-father who molested both her daughters severely) was getting out of prison, if she could take him back because she “thinks he’s learned his lesson”.  They deny what they don’t want to know so they can have what they want.  There’s something sleazily erotic for these women.  It’s not just “they’re dainty and scared”.  Wow.

I guess a lot of women use these situations as an escape route.  It’s tough to be something, to be someone, to build…that’s tough.  There’s a lot of failure, frustration, and loss along the way.  Success requires a lot of work, and some people don’t want to work hard, so they join gangs and they steal and kill or push dope.  And the women gain a sense of power and position by being associated with this sort of stuff.  You become important and powerful by proxy. 

So, it isn’t about compassion.  It isn’t about really believing they’re innocent…they know they’re not.  It’s about getting off on it emotionally, sexually, psychologically…it’s about those 15 seconds of fame.  It’s about somebody so trapped in a prison he can’t fool around on you.  You’re safe and you own him, and all you have to do is show up with cigarettes.  It’s drama…it’s sick.  It is seriously sick.  And I feel the women who do this are evil.  Not pathetic, not pitiful but equally evil.  They want to make an allegiance with evil because it’s like being reborn with the position and power, the strength and importance and total control.  But it’s still evil.

Being ‘Hot’ vs. Being ‘Pretty’

You probably all heard about this really stupid story – they are happening more and more and more – when a kid misbehaves in one way or another and the parents call attorneys and the ACLU.  It seems everything is self expression, which then is supposed to be protected speech.  You may remember a long time ago in England, if you spoke against the royal family, you would end up in the Tower of London and your head would be chopped off.  The point of freedom of speech is to be able to speak up against the government and not end up beheaded.  It’s not used for things like this little “twit” — I’m sorry it’s my opinion she’s a twit.  I’m not going to say an “alleged” twit because I think this falls under the category of twit. 

Here’s the story: a Colorado high school rejected 18 year old Sydney Spies’ senior photograph she submitted for the yearbook.  In the photo, she’s on some wrought iron stairs with a light yellow, very, very, very short, little skirt and she’s got a shawl around her arms, covering whatever boobs she has — so she’s not even dressed.  She’s got the long lashes, the kissable lips, the platinum hair and her body is arched.  You see, that’s the important part.  Her body is arched so her butt is sticking out backwards.  Now, in the rest of the primate kingdom, that means “mount me.”

“…The yearbook staff initially accepted the photograph of Sydney posing provocatively in a yellow mini skirt and wearing nothing but a shawl across her chest. But after the holiday, school administrators deemed the photo unacceptable. The yearbook editors invited Sydney to hand in an alternative picture but they also rejected a shot of her in a skin-tight, strapless lacy dress…”

This broad wants to be a model, so she’s using an inappropriate opportunity to advertise herself.  And, of course, the Today Show had her on, so she got her wish: She got a public forum.  She is very upset the picture she paid for (a professional modeling photo) would not run in the yearbook.

“…Sydney isn’t backing down. She is paying $300 for a yearbook ad featuring her photo, and the staff has confirmed that the ad can run in the back of the book…”

How desperate is this little twit?  And of course, her parents are horrified her First Amendment rights are being besmirched.  People in our military died to protect our freedom and she’s using it is to dress like a tart.  I mean, you would see this on one of those websites for when you need a girl for the night or if you want to masturbate to a picture.  Here it is… send your $500.

It proves the point the whole feminist movement should really be down on this little twit.  Because…what was the saying? .. It was equal pay for equal abilities and equal opportunity to jobs.  But the other thing was they didn’t want to be treated like sex objects anymore….HA!  (And interestingly enough, a huge growing population of CEOs of porn sites are women.)

So, that got me thinking… In the National Catholic Register (they advertise themselves as the nation’s most complete Catholic news source), there is a terrific essay by Pat Archbold.  It begins:

This post is intended as a lament of sorts, a lament for something in the culture that is dying and may never been seen again.

Pretty, pretty is dying.

People will define pretty differently.  For the purposes of this piece, I define pretty as a mutually enriching balanced combination of beauty and projected innocence.

Once upon a time, women wanted to project an innocence.  I am not idealizing another age and I have no illusions about the virtues of our grandparents, concupiscence being what it is.  But some things were different in the back then.  First and foremost, many beautiful women, whatever the state of their souls, still wished to project a public innocence and virtue.  And that combination of beauty and innocence is what I define as pretty.

Read the rest of “The Death of Pretty”

It’s funny, I’ve had women’s lib folks tell me I’m sending women back 100 years in their search for equality because I think it’s important mommies raise their own children, but Sydney Spies posing like a whore doesn’t set women back 100 years to being an object?

Quote of the Week

Vanity asks the question – is it popular?
Conscience asks the question – is it right?
               – Martin Luther King, Jr.
                 American Baptist Minister and
                 Civil Rights Leader
                 1929 – 1968

Monday, January 16 is Martin Luther King Day.

Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial

The Importance of Generosity in a Marriage

I’ve written many books having to do with relationships, but each focused on different aspects of relationships.  The most important ones, I think, were The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage because I pointed out the real element that makes a marriage work is when each person gets up in the morning and thinks about what they can do to make the other person happy and happy they’re married to you.  In fact, that was so important, I put it on the back cover.  No surprise to me to see this show up in other forms.

In December, in the New York Times, they talked about the University of Virginia’s National Marriage Project.  It studied the role of generosity.  Not in the sense of being generous with money or a lot of gifts, but about that moment where you think, “What can I do to make them happy at this moment, much less if they’re married to me?”

So generosity is about going above and beyond the ordinary expectations with small, little things, small acts of service — making an extra effort, such as being affectionate, bringing somebody coffee in the morning, or rubbing their feet.

It turns out men and women with the highest scores on generosity as a scale were far more likely to report they were very happy in their marriages. 

Now, you’ve got a lot of things going on in your mind, heart, body and day so it’s not always easy to be generous to your spouse.  One particular researcher suggested successful couples say or do at least 5 positive things for every negative interaction with their partner, so they make it 5 to 1…5 to 1.  That’s really important.  It’s important with your kids too.  If you’re going to give them holy hell about things all the time, you really have to balance it with generosity.  Children who see parents who are more engaged in this generosity tend to be more generous too (no kidding), which bodes well for their future relationships and their relationship with their parents.  So, make small acts of service and an extra effort to be affectionate.

The top 3 predictors of a happy marriage among parents (because having kids is a big stress):

1. Sexual intimacy
2. Commitment
3. Generosity

And they put sex first because the portion of 18 to 46 year-olds with below-average sexual satisfaction who are “very happy” in their marriages is about 6.5%.

In one particular study, couples who reported a high amount of generosity in their relationships were 5 times more likely to say the marriage was “very happy”.  However, the generosity was not as important as sex.  In this study, married men and women who reported above-average sexual satisfaction in their relationship were 10 to 13 times more likely to describe their marriage as “very happy”.  My assumption though, is this goes in a bit of a circle – i.e., the people who are more generous with each other probably are more turned on to each other because they’re so generous with each other and it keeps going in a circle.

Something to consider: 5 to 1 – 5 positive things you say or do for each negative thing you say or do.  Try it — you might like it.  You wonder why your marriage is not happy?  The fix is actually simple.  It’s the motivation to do those 5 positive things that seems to be the biggest problem.

Internet Infidelity

Our society has become more and more permissive and as people no longer espouse family values (in fact they denigrate them), there is something wrong.  With no sense of values, there’s a rise in behavior that would have raised eyebrows not so long ago.  These days, amorality is the ultimate vindication for that behavior, and you’ll find this all over the country.

There’s a new term to describe “virtual affairs” – those that are conducted online.  It’s called “e-ffairs”.  Well folks, it’s still wrong!  How do you know something is an affair?  Well, would you text it, post it or send it with your spouse looking over your shoulder?  If you would, then it’s not an infidelity.  If you wouldn’t, you’re cheating.  And why is all this stuff on the internet so exciting?  Well, for some people it’s exciting because it has what they consider no responsibility.  It’s a relationship with no responsibility.  But that’s not how the non-cheating spouse sees it.

People use the internet because it’s accessible, it’s affordable and it’s anonymous (or so they think).  The cool thing about fantasy relationships is they don’t require any work.  We are entering the age where there’s no chivalry, shame, or discretion.  We’ve brought up our two youngest generations with an amoral lens, where everything is justified by something else and you’re told you “shouldn’t judge.”  I have been talking a lot about how kids don’t really have a sense of time and permanency in the world of the internet.  They are sexting right and left, and don’t “get” how that can be used against them once it hits the social networks.  So I am more concerned about the generations that can’t figure out what the big deal is about this. CHIVALRY, SHAME, DISCRETION, VOWS, and RESPONSIBILITY — that’s what the big deal is!