In today’s world, you meet someone, you text, you think they’re the greatest thing in the world, you have sex, and it’s over. You don’t even bother to get to know them – it’s just, “Hello. Do you have 15 minutes? Let’s hook up.” The romance of actually trying to build a relationship is not much in season. Of course, there are shack-ups, but those are really just fake relationships.
I want to talk about the difference between real love and the fake stuff. Fake love is the immediate chemistry. We all know what that is – the chemical rush of horniness that can last from three weeks to a year and a half and then “Poof!” it’s gone. It’s a little different for males than females because they are each biologically focused on different things. Males are focused on their sperm taking over the world one female at a time. Females, on the other hand, are biologically concerned with safety, security, and being provided for so their babies will be safe. Although the biological system in human beings can be somewhat overridden, chemistry for a male is still a) she’s a hot babe, and b) I’m going to look hot walking around with her. It’s initially superficial, and it lasts longer the younger the male is. For the female, a male’s attractiveness is semi-irrelevant (I mean, “piggy dirty” is not acceptable, but other than that, she doesn’t care). She just wants to see if he can take care of her.
Men are perfectly capable of engaging in sex without emotional bonds. That’s why prostitutes have always existed. Today, a lot of women are behaving like that, and it’s one of the many reasons why female depression is so high. “Just having fun” leaves a lot of women feeling used up and lonely. They engage in multiple meaningless situations of physicality, which don’t make anybody – men or women – feel better. It takes time to develop a relationship, and a lot of you folks aren’t doing that. You are just trying to get some physical and emotional needs met. The problem with that is there’s no giving involved – the cornerstone of a real relationship.
The onset of real love and fake love can feel very similar. It’s obsessive – you can’t think about anything else, and you might lose weight, sleep, or time. However, when it’s fake love, you are both only projecting fantasies and assuming things about each other. You can’t see future problems because you are both idealizing all of each other’s qualities and insisting that the other person is the best you’ve ever met. However, you haven’t actually “met” them. You are only seeing an idealized version of that person.
That is why courting is so important. It’s how you learn more about a person other than just, “She’s beautiful and a bombshell in bed.” You have to let the dust settle. Until that happens, you really have no idea if you’re right for each other.
When two people immediately start planning for the future within weeks of meeting, it’s a sign that they don’t know a damn thing about each other. I’ve always told women that if a guy is proposing that quickly, it isn’t because he loves them. Real love evolves into (and I know this word is going freak some people out) service. You see, fake love is all about how the other person makes you feel. Real love is about your commitment to making someone else feel good. Real love involves two people focusing on the needs of each other and doing loving acts over and over again without anyone keeping score. That’s why fake love ends up being such a bummer and a letdown – you hit a wall because all you’re thinking about is how you feel.
Now, just because fake love is largely about physicality doesn’t mean it’s unimportant to real love, especially in the case of men. I find it really annoying when women call my show saying they’ve gained between 30 and 50 lbs and still expect their husbands to love them exactly the same. Your husband may have deep feelings of caring and commitment toward you, but it doesn’t change the fact that your blubber is not a turn-on. If you would have asked him, “What would you think if I gained a lot of weight,” I guarantee you that his answer would have been, “I want you to be fit and nice-looking like you are now.” Women get all mad and upset when I tell them that because they think, “If he loved me, he wouldn’t say something so hurtful.” Come on! All he’s doing is telling you the damn truth. As a spouse, taking good care of yourself and being healthy are very important. Chemistry still matters later on, and a lot of it has to do with how you look to your spouse.
On another note, what happens when you don’t have chemistry with someone?
Well, some people hang around for a while to see if the chemistry will evolve. I’m not a big believer in that. I think there are probably some circumstances where that does happen, but beating your head against the wall to make it happen is probably not a good plan. When you hear about two long-time friends who start feeling sexy about each other one day, that is not really chemistry developing – it’s just chemistry they weren’t aware of that is now coming forth. In my opinion, the chemistry was probably there from day one, but their brains were not functioning on that level.
If you have persisted and still don’t feel chemistry, don’t try to force things. It isn’t fair to you or your potential partner to do that. You can’t manufacture or counterfeit passion, and there is no substitute for chemistry. Give each romantic experiment a good try, but don’t wait forever. If nothing happens, you have to move on.