A Man With A Vision

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I want to tell you about an extraordinary man’s vision and commitment.  In this case, “vision” is figurative, because he is, quite literally, blind.

Urban Miyares is a Vietnam veteran.  At the end of a particularly horrendous firefight, he was mistakenly put into a body bag for dead.  Two days later, when the bags were opened to do identifications, a medic assistant noticed that he was not dead.  His injuries were severe, and he is now blind, but he didn’t miss a beat to stay involved in life.  He has started and operated many businesses and has always used his talents.  He didn’t “quit” on life.

Urban is the founder and director of Challenged America (www.challengedamerica.org), whose mission is to introduce sailing as a therapeutic and rehabilitative-enhancing activity to individuals with disabilities. That sounds very nice, but what put me “over the top” was his firm commitment to working only with people who are committed to being involved in work and life.  If they aren’t working or in work training, he won’t take them into the program.  He told me that the folks who just get disability and sit around are directed toward regular sailing schools.  He works hard with people who are equally committed to working hard.

That sounds more than nice.  It is brilliant.  Never be more committed to helping someone than they are committed to helping themselves!  When Urban made those pronouncements, I was all aboard with ferocious enthusiasm, as I share that philosophy and that’s why I chide so many parents and other family members for trying harder than the one they’re helping.  Continual rescues only serve to let the person they’re “helping” continue on his or her destructive path, and to assuage any feelings of guilt on the part of the helper by keeping the other afloat when that person is not even trying  to tread water.

I participated in a wonderful dinner (where I was the keynote speaker), silent auction, and regatta in support of Challenged America.   I was very proud to be part of all those events to benefit such a worthy operation.  Check them out at www.challengedamerica.org.

When You’re Bored, You’re Boring

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Quite a few recent calls to my radio program involve people who are dealing with the problem of being bored, and as many of you have heard me say many times - people who are bored are usually boring.  Either you can choose to be like a cork in the ocean, waiting for a wave or swell to elevate your mood or you can be pro-active and/or philosophical.

Pro-active means that you actually take control of your existence and do something which engages you, is generous, works up your sweat, adrenaline, and endorphins, or which challenges you to be inventive, creative and operating outside of the  box.

Philosophical means that you reframe your perspective.  For example, a nurse called to complain that she seems to get a higher percentage of the most difficult patients than others on the nursing staff.  She felt put upon.  I suggested that this was because she was the most competent to deal with such patients, but she countered with, “Well, I’m getting burned out.”  I then suggested that she make sure that she freshens up her brain and body with fun times, exercise, and friends.

A number of women who have exactly what they wanted in live (a husband, a home, children, and the freedom to be at home) have called to say they are overwhelmed and under motivated.  From a philosophical standpoint, motivation is more of a pop psych requirement of correct behavior than a true necessity.  For example, how do you motivate yourself to go into combat or a burning building in order to rescue people, or into surgery when you know there’s only a minimal chance of survival for the patient, but the procedure is their last, best hope?

We do what we must do/should do, because we have accepted that responsibility.  If everyone in a position of responsibility waited to “feeeeel” motivated, nothing would ever get done! 

I tell these women that if they behaved as though they were motivated, they would simply enjoy their lives more.  Waiting around for a trigger is passive and useless. 

From a pro-active standpoint, that means getting friends, hobbies and creating physical challenges, as well as acting like the kind of woman they would want to come home to.  If they do that, their husbands would come screeching through the door with enthusiasm.

So, if you’re bored, you’re being boring.  Get philosophical.  Get pro-active.  Don’t wait for a feeling - create a better mini-universe without whining, complaining, or feeling sorry for yourself. 

Remember the days of washboards and manual television controls?  No? Too bad.  You would then have the other “P” word:  perspective.

Don’t Be A Coward

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Recently, I had a caller to my radio program - a 22 year old woman - who complained to me that she was anguished over the homecoming of her mother from a vacation.  It seems life is quite terrible for this woman with “Mommy dearest” around. 

I asked her why, at 22 years old, she was still living with her mother when it was such a horrible experience.  Her answer was quick and to the point:  “I am a coward.”  I gently (yes, I can be gentle!) informed her that there is a price to everything, and the price for cowardice is anguish.  There’s no fix for that without moving past cowardice.

Life situations are largely out of our control, but the decisions we make and the steps we take for responsible action are in our control.  Cowardice (as my caller put it), however, is a major problem in a large number of people’s lives.  That’s why you hear people argue both sides of a situation when asked why they don’t speak up, take legal action, confront, and so on.  They’ll say: “Yeah, I know…,” and then cowardice takes over because they don’t want anyone mad, they don’t want to lose something (money, connection, etc.), and they don’t want to have the feeling of being alone.  Because of cowardice, they will tolerate abuse and put others (like children and spouses) in harm’s way.

The tell-tale signs of cowardice are the phrases “Yes, I know…,” and “But…,”  and “It’s not always so bad…,” and “But I’m not always so good either…,” and “Can’t they just go into therapy?,” and my favorite, “But what if….”

You get the picture.

Remember, ultimately, you are the architects of your own lives.  Cowardice wastes your precious time on earth.

TV Commercial Brings Me To Tears

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My husband usually turns on the television news as we have breakfast.  I prefer not to have it on, frankly, as I can’t stand all the negativity so early in the day, but a commercial came on where there were several kids in their homemade downhill race cars.  Sitting off to the side was a child about the same age, but in a wheelchair.

One - just one - of the kids in his wooden race car (complete with helmet and goggles) looks intently at the child in the wheelchair, then gets out of the car, and lifts the kid out of the wheelchair and places him in his car, and then gives him the helmet and goggles and proceeds to cheer him on.

One of the final statements coming from the generous and compassionate kid (who is now speaking as an adult in the commercial) is that he didn’t remember who won the race, but he did remember how he felt about it.

The Foundation for A Better Life, which sponsors these “lessons,” is appropriately named.  When one is a better person, one automatically has a better life - dramatically and immediately, in spite of the selfishness, thoughtlessness, unfairness and meanness which surrounds the universe.

It doesn’t matter if your kid has the right clothes, a cell phone, Skype abilities, email, text messaging, a new car and so on.  What matters is what truly matters to them.  That’s what a parent is supposed to teach children:  what should matter.

Parachute Jump Teacher Saves Student from Sure Death

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I’m writing today about Dave Hartsock of Texas, and all the people who are like him.

Dave was the instructor.  His student, a woman, was a total newbie.  The day for the parachute jump was beautiful:  sunny, clear, warm.  Dave gave Shirley her briefing before they took off in the airplane to jump - in tandem (that means attached to each other), as he has done hundreds of times.  This day was different.  This day the parachute did not deploy properly and they were spinning to their certain deaths.

They did not die though, but Dave is now paralyzed.  When the chute didn’t open properly, he checked to see if he could fix it, and realized there was no fix, so they were in trouble.  After spinning toward the ground for what seemed forever, he accepted the gravity of the situation.

He told Shirley to tuck her feet in, and he twisted himself so that he would hit the ground first and cushion the fall for Shirley with his whole body.  He took the hit for her.

Why?  I watched a Fox News interview with him, and he said that when people jump with him, they trust him with their lives.  He has the obligation, he said…the obligation…to make sure they come out okay:  “I was going to be the one to take the shock to make her okay.  That was my first obligation.”

Whew.  What a man of character!  He is now permanently paralyzed.  He figured he would likely die in order to be the shock absorber for his student’s body, and he did it with calm and resolve.

This attitude is no different from the guys in combat in our military, our police, and our firefighters.  It takes a certain profound character to put one’s life on the line for strangers because of obligation willingly and voluntarily accepted.

We need more people like Dave.

I watched him in his wheelchair, still calm and accepting of his situation, and firm in his resolve. 

No anger…no resentment.  Just character.

Turning a Boy Into a Responsible Man

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The other day I took a call on my radio program from a mother who was upset at her husband.  The husband had told their 9 year old son that he was not allowed to watch TV for a 24 hour period as a consequence of his unacceptable behavior - in this case, leaving the TV on even though he was finished watching it and had left the room.

The husband had come home from work the previous day and almost immediately checked to see what channel the TV was set to - turns out it was tuned into a kid’s network, so he knew right away that his son had disobeyed him and watched TV when his viewing was supposed to be restricted.  The father sat down with the boy and they talked about honesty, integrity, and respect for parents.

The mother was incensed that the father had “checked up” on the boy.  I immediately responded by saying, “Well, that’s being a good parent!”  I explained that the father’s job is to take his boy and turn him into a man, and a responsible one at that.  To do so, he had to use whatever was at his disposal to keep up with what the boy was doing, so that he could continue to teach and lead his son into healthy, productive adulthood.  I said that the father did the right thing.

The mother did stop and say, “I hadn’t looked at it that way.”

It seems like she spent a lot of time thinking about our exchange, and below are excerpts from an email I received from her shortly after:

…I was so nervous about my call that I didn’t get to thank you for your clarity…. Because of you, I was very aware of my “feelings,” and that they may not be a reason to respond to this situation [sic].  Recognizing this allowed me to spend all night digesting what happened without saying a word, even though my feelings were to be ‘Mother Bear’ and overreact to the situation. This led to me calling you for your perspective.

You pointed out to me that my husband was being a good parent.  You are so right.  He truly wants my son to succeed and grow to be a responsible MAN.  It brings tears to my eyes thinking how terrible this situation could have played out had I indulged my ‘feelings.’

Your wisdom has saved yet another crazy, emotional woman and spared my wonderful husband of thinking that his wife and girlfriend doesn’t give him the respect and support he deserves.

While I can’t thank you enough, rest assured that I plan to completely thank my husband tonight!

The Amazing Spirit of Enlistees

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Last week, I attended an event in the beautiful city of Huntington Beach, California.  It was the second annual “Battle Shark Challenge” hosted by the United States Army.  The Army invited new enlistees from southern California to come to the beach to compete in small groups in such activities as:  push ups, sit ups, tug of war, football, Frisbee, rock wall climbing, a 2 mile run, throwing grenades (fake ones, of course) and carrying a “wounded” soldier through a mine field (blindfolded).

I participated in everything except Frisbee and football.  My team of 6 won the push up and sit up contests, and we also won the activity where you had to carry a “wounded” soldier through a mine field.  Everyone was blindfolded except the leader who had to give instructions.  The first time I played the wounded soldier; the second time I was the leader and we beat the previous best time by over a minute.  We lost the tug of war, and I wasn’t able to throw my grenade further than the closest-in target.  I did the run, however, in less time than that required to qualify for enlisting in the Army, but they still wouldn’t take me!

It was an amazing experience to meet about 1500 young men and women who are willing to put their lives on the line for you and me.  I was impressed by their spirit, tenacity, good humor, self-respect, hard work, and commitment.  These are certainly NOT the types of kids who spend their days on Facebook or Twitter.  You have to be awed by how unique and special they are.

Families came out to show their support, although it was very sad to me when one young woman came up to ask me how to handle her parents, who won’t talk to her since she enlisted.  They didn’t show up for this event either.  Shame on them and shame for them.  They missed an opportunity to see their child elevated in her own spirit and in our eyes.  I told her that I’d be her surrogate mother, and that she now owed me a Mother’s Day card.  We hugged a lot.

Frankly, I just wanted to hug them all.  I AM the proud mother of an American combat infantryman…very proud.  I am saddened for any parent who chooses to shun their child because they’ve made the selfless choice to defend all Americans.

That’s why we have to support them all.  Whenever you see anybody in uniform, shake their hands, buy them lunch, and/or tell them you’re grateful.  It DOES mean a lot to them.

On Being A Good Friend

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I have a very good friend (and I hope she thinks the same of me).  Her name is Sheridan.

We have a kind of magic together:  we have a lot of interests in common and do “day road trips” to bead fairs, fabric stores, yarn shops and such, because we share craft hobbies and help each other with our projects.  The other day, she just showed up when I was on the air to give me some buttons she’d bought for a tote project gift I was working on.  With the buttons came a card which showed an old photo of two women friends on a couch.  Underneath the photo, the caption read:  “A good friend will bail you out of jail.  A GREAT friend is one who sits beside you and says ‘Wow, that was fun!’”

I couldn’t stop laughing when I read that, and while you should not take that literally, it does suggest that friends really get into each other in a special way. Friends want to experience each other’s joys and heartaches as part of bonding with and mending each other.

I have watched Sheridan put herself out for me, stand up for me, and bend over backwards to make me happy.  I am one lucky woman to have such a blessing in my life.  Friends - really good friends - are a rare commodity:  you have to have just the right chemistry, attitude, understanding, forgiveness, openness, kindness, and thoughtfulness.  A good friend brings all that out in you.  A good friend makes you a better person.

I’m sure we’ve irritated each other from time to time, but we’ve never had a fight about it.  Why not?  Because good friends have each other’s best interests at heart and accept each other’s quirks with humor.

The best way to have a good friend is also the best way to have a good  marriage: choose wisely, and treat kindly.

And consider yourself very fortunate if you have someone who resonates with you in this lifetime.

Sheridan, I love ya girl!