Making It Personal for the Holidays

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My husband and I were very disappointed when we learned that we could not be with our military son on Thanksgiving.  We casually mentioned to some friends that we were just going to have scrambled eggs and bagels for Thanksgiving dinner, because without him there, it just wasn’t going to be worth the effort.  Well, they kindly invited us to spend Thanksgiving with their family, and we accepted. 

I wanted to do something nice for them to really show them thanks for such a lovely gesture, so I knitted a seven-foot runner for their table.  When it was finished, it seemed so “plain,” that I spent four hours crocheting around the entire runner twice and added a fringe to the ends.  When I gave it to her, she held it close to her chest near her heart, and her eyes teared up as she expressed her emotion for my putting in that amount of effort for her.  I have to tell you that I’ve never felt so moved by a reaction to a gift in my life.

She and her husband were doing something “personal” for me, and I wanted to return the favor.  Having Thanksgiving with their adult children and a couple who were mutual friends made for a fabulous evening, with lots of laughs and a yummy turkey….mmmm.

So, I’ve stopped buying bottles of wine and chocolate-filled baskets.  I’ve been working around the clock for weeks either knitting, weaving, or sewing Christmas presents.  I finished my last project for my “peeps” on Sunday (our office holiday party was on Tuesday), so I had a bit of a crunch for time.  While it was exhausting and sometimes frustrating when equipment has a mind of its own, I feel giddy about giving gifts that are so much of myself.  Clearly, it means more to the receiver AND the giver.

To top it off, a few of my dearest friends sent me “Thanksgiving” e-mails, enumerating the reasons they felt grateful for having me in their lives.  It blew my mind.  It is incredibly touching to know that you matter to someone.

I’m writing these stories to urge you all to do the same this Christmas.  Don’t buy a card - write to that person and let them know why they matter to you and what you appreciate about them and how you feel grateful for them.  Instead of purchasing something generally useless that they might never use and will not cause them to reflect on your relationship, make something or do something.  For example:  plant some flowers on either side of their front door; make a rocking chair for the back porch; fix something on their property; take their kids for the night so they can have a romantic time to themselves….the list of possibilities is endless.

Make it personal, and that doesn’t require ridiculous expenditures for gifts that ultimately don’t matter. 

Oh, and one more thing.  We will see our kidlet for Christmas.  The tree is already up.

Social Network Privacy Not So Private

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Facebook and MySpace and other social networking sites have become a means of not only communicating with so-called “friends,” but they also allow for showing off and “going wild” in ways that often come back to bite…even when you think your site is private.

According to the Arizona Daily Star, Ashley Payne, a teacher in an Arizona school said that she was forced to resign after photos and a comment posted on her Facebook page were forwarded to the superintendent of schools in her county.  And she said she had the highest level of privacy controls on her site.  The photos in question showed her in pubs and beer gardens while on summer vacation.  In a comment on her Facebook page, she announced that she was headed to play a game called “Crazy Bitch Bingo.”

According to the Professional Association of Georgia Educators, the bottom line is that “the state code addresses on and off-campus behavior, including inappropriate relationships with students and anything that violates the mores of the community.”

I’m good with that, because teachers have a profound influence on young minds, and being role models seems an obvious obligation.  Not enough teachers think about the consequences of their conduct, not just in terms of their own employment, but in terms of the well-being of the children for whom they are responsible.  Posting extremely inappropriate sexual content and nudity on the web as well as posting photos of teachers yucking it up with booze is a breach of professional conduct.

For teachers, this is obvious.  However, each and every one of you must understand that anybody with knowledge can hack into your private site and edit as well as download and reproduce material elsewhere.  Don’t write or post pictures you would not want to see on the front page of The New York Times, unless, of course, you’re into being infamous.  The word “friend” is simply a term for someone with access to your site.  Don’t imagine that they necessarily have the honor of a real-life friend.  Anything you write or post might be used against you.

Now that this is all said, how about your just inviting real friends over for dinner and meaningful conversation?

Poor Sportsmanship Rightfully Punished

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Elizabeth Ann Lambert has been suspended indefinitely from playing college women’s soccer.  And that is a good thing.

During the Mountain West Conference Women’s Soccer semi-final recently between Brigham Young University and the University of New Mexico, BYU scored the only goal during the first half.  BYU’s outstanding player, Kassidy Shumway and the BYU scorer, Carlee Payne paid the price for that.

According to the New York Times and what you can see on YouTube (in case you missed the news reports at the time) was a level of violence that escalated horrendously.

Payne gave a slight “dig” with her elbow to Lambert, who retaliated with a punch between Payne’s shoulder blades.  What followed were tackles, kicks up to waist high, face punches and cleats aimed into the inner thigh, and Lambert’s final violent jerk on Shumway’s pony tail, which sent the six foot girl to the ground.  It was frightening.  I worried that the girl’s neck could have been broken.  While Shumway was on the ground, not moving, one of Lambert’s teammates kicked a ball into Payne’s face.

That’s what I call feminist good sportsmanship:  if you can’t beat ‘em….beat ‘em up!!

What was stunning was Lambert’s coach didn’t pull her out while her behavior was escalating.  Equally stunning was the fact that the referee took no action outside of a yellow card for a “trip” move on Payne.  It’s interesting that these officials did not see the punches, slaps, high tackles and that ferocious pony tail jerk.

The coach revved up her girls and then stood back while one of them went out of control.  That’s a sad state of affairs.  Of course, Lambert gave the usual mea culpa/ “my bad” apology, which was orchestrated in order to stay in the game.  I’m glad it didn’t work.

Call me cynical, but the look on her face and the deliberateness of her violent yank had the aura of entitlement and rage.  I don’t believe she’s sorry she did it.  My guess is that she’s sorry she’s gotten heat over it.

She should never be allowed to play again…never… and that would send a message.  Now, we’ve got to figure out how to deal with the coach and the referee.

The Opposite of Bridezilla

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Six days before Teanne Harris of Chicago was to walk down the aisle in a glorious white gown, her fiance called off the nuptials.

When Harris and her mom went to the catering hall to cancel the reception, they were told that their deposit was nonrefundable. 

Now, between being dumped at the altar and not getting her money back, I would expect a screaming meemee, locking herself in the bathroom, ripping up every picture of the two of them, screaming to all her friends, getting drunk, not showering - you know, the usual melodrama.

Not Ms. Harris!  Leaving the catering hall, she noticed the Asbury Court Retirement Community across the street.  So, instead of letting her Halloween-themed wedding reception go to waste, she decided to move the party to the retirement home, where more than 300 residents attended the party.

Harris had her bridal bouquet placed in the retirement home’s chapel. 

She also went on the Hawaii trip anyway…the trip that was meant to be her honeymoon.

All I can say about this story is that she is a magnificent, spiritual human being, and the joker who left her did her a favor.  I’m sure she’ll find a real man worthy of her mature and generous spirit.

Marching Band Pays Tribute to Teacher Who Saved Their Lives

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Students in the American Fork High School Marching Band swept the awards not long ago in a competition at Brigham Young University.  What made this story interesting and somewhat controversial is this:  on the way back from another competition held in Idaho, the driver of the bus in which the students were riding fell asleep at the wheel.  All of the students survived.  The one fatality was the 33 year old instructor who grabbed for the steering wheel when she noticed the driver was out cold.

The controversial part occurred because some people believe that it is unseemly for life to go on, for joy to be in people’s hearts, or for friends and relatives to be happy and involved in their lives when someone dies.  Some people believe that it is disrespectful, cavalier and insensitive for others to carry on as though a tragedy didn’t happen.  Generally, this belief comes out of a confusion of pain, emotions and guilt over survival.

I think it’s a good thing that these students competed, and they did so in remembrance of Heather Christensen, the teacher who saved their lives.  And that’s the point:  she saved their lives so they could live, love, and play music.  I believe they showed her immense respect by playing in her honor, continuing with the competition for which she coached them.   Her immortality comes from being remembered fondly by her students who used the skills they learned from her to create the music she loved so much.

When someone we love dies, we don’t honor them by denying ourselves the normal pleasures of life.  I find that to be an insult.  Life is precious, and when somebody is gone from life, that which they lost should be treated with the utmost reverence by squeezing every moment of dignity, creativity, joy, adventure, work, love, compassion and fun that is possible.  This is the way you honor the deceased:  you carry on and do something of value with your life.

The students received a long, standing ovation as they marched off the field and embraced in tearful hugs.  What a fitting memorial to a brave, caring teacher.

Inspiration from a Teenager

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The Hartford Courant recently published an essay by Justin Verrier on a Connecticut female teenage swimmer.  “After swimming laps at a recent practice in the Glastonbury High School pool, Rachel Grusse told her coach, Suzi Hoyt, her shoulder felt sore.  Hoyt responded as she always does to such concerns by her swimmers, instructing Grusse to put on flippers and ‘kick for a little while’ to rest her arms.  ‘I just looked up at her and told her, Um…I don’t think I can do that, Grusse said, smiling.”

Remember the word smiling.  When Grusse was 16 months old, it was discovered that she was born without a spleen, and she contracted a form of bacterial pneumonia that cut off the blood flow to her extremities, which resulted in the cutting off of her legs at the base of her knees, as well as the last joint of her fingers.

Now, many teenage girls with just a few pimples would hide in their bedrooms, but not Rachel.  With the help of prosthetic legs, she has participated in all types of sports, including soccer and, most recently, wheelchair basketball, but swimming is her passion.  Since she has to rely on her upper body for swimming, she does a lot of upper body strengthening, like…walking on her hands!

Her comment?  “I’ve just heard some people say that I’m an example to other kids.  But to me, I don’t feel like I’m any different.  I’m just doing what I can, and doing the best that I can.“

She swims against “normal” swimmers and rarely wins, but she loves the sport anyway.

She swims against others who are disabled and often places, but not always, and she loves the sport anyway. 

Since she has no memory of having had legs, for her, it is kind of “normal” - the real amazing quality of hers is her attitude to just do what she can and do the best that she can.

Disabled or not, that is the winning attitude in life that ultimately brings you happiness.  She does what she loves and does the best she can at it.  Period.  There is a lesson in that for everyone.

Roman Polanski is an Animal and a Coward

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Y’know, I really don’t know why I am so upset about Roman Polanski.  I mean, he’s the director of such notable films as Rosemary’s Baby, Chinatown, and The Pianist.  When one is a “respected” artist, shouldn’t we allow for certain…shall we say…”proclivities” that maybe aren’t what the average schmo should get away with?  After all…he’s a movie director!

What’s the big deal about telling a very pretty little 13 year old girl that he could make her a star - i.e., a model for the French Edition of Vogue magazine?  How narrow-minded can you be to imagine that taking pictures of the naked 13 year old girl in a hot tub, plying her with glass after glass of champagne and popping her a few Quaaludes (ostensibly, he said, to cure her asthma), and then showing her what a real man can do without Viagra is a problem?  And what’s wrong with the fact that he cautioned her to never tell her mother about their “little secret?”  It just makes the whole scenario more…intimate.

Go figure…the Los Angeles District Attorney’s office filed charges against Roman Polanski for this “innocuous” behavior - gee, it must have been a slow legal day.  After pleading guilty to having sex with a 13 year old child, working out a plea bargain, and then paying off the girl’s family, Roman Polanski fled the United States in 1977.  The American authorities (just stubborn, I guess) issued an international search request in 2005.  Swiss authorities arrested him Saturday at the Zurich airport.

How terribly inconvenient for the film world.  Polanski had traveled to Switzerland to collect a Lifetime Achievement Award at the Zurich Film Festival, and by going to Switzerland, he finally got arrested for his “lifetime guilt.”  Actress Debra Winger, President of the film festival’s jury, was terribly upset, poor thing:  “The festival has been unfairly exploited to secure Polanski’s arrest over a case that is all but dead.  Despite the philistine nature of the collusion that has now occurred, we came to honor Roman Polanski as a great artist.  We hope today this latest order will be dropped; it is based on a three decade old case that is all but dead except for a minor technicality.”

There are so many people around the world who were equally as astonished as I was that such an important film director should be treated so disrespectfully.  Jack Lang, a former French culture minister said, “While Mr. Polanski had committed a ‘grave crime,’ he is a great creator and artist, and there’s a sentiment here that pursuing someone for a crime committed 30 years ago…is unreasonable…a kind of judicial lynching.”  I’m not sure what Mr. Lang’s notion of what consequences a “great creator and artist” should have had, had he not eluded sentencing three decades ago.  And it certainly isn’t the fault of the American judicial system that a country such as France would give him sanctuary.

Apparently, 100 or so entertainment industry professionals created a petition for Mr. Polanski’s release, saying “Filmmakers in France, in Europe, in the United States and around the world are dismayed by this decision.”  It seems inadmissible to them that an international cultural event, paying homage to one of the greatest contemporary filmmakers, is used by the police to apprehend him.

After all, with all the stress of hiding in France to avoid criminal punishment for what is ultimately the drugging and raping of a little girl, he still managed to get the Best Director Oscar in 2003 for “The Pianist.”  In spite of the clarity of his “wrongdoings,” the Zurich festival director is experiencing “great consternation and shock,” adding, “We are unable to judge the legal background surrounding the arrest.”

Let’s go through this again:  the man drugged and raped a child.  The man drugged and raped a child, and then fled the United States to avoid jail time.  The man drugged and raped a child, and the fled the United States to avoid jail time, and has been for 30 years treated like the patron saint for the arts by a world that is growing more and more morally corrupt by the moment.

There is hardly a more sympathetic creature on the face of the earth than Roman Polanski.  He was born in Paris, moved to Poland with his Jewish family when still a toddler (shortly before World War II).  His mother died in a Nazi concentration camp, but Polanski avoided capture and spent his youth in Poland before moving to the United States.  His wife, Sharon Tate, was 8 months’ pregnant with their child when she was brutally murdered by the Manson family.  When you look at his ability to make movies, after these grossly horrendous experiences, it seems logical that you should forgive a little drugging and a little raping of a young girl.  NOT.

In my opinion, all those who have participated in any way in the making or distributing of Polanski’s movies for the last 30 years should be considered accessories after the fact, and part of a conspiracy to protect a child rapist.  Polanski’s movies should be boycotted by every decent American, as well as the movies of those who acted in or contributed to any of Polanski’s movies in the last 30 years.

The man is an animal and a coward.  He’s an animal because of what he did to a child; he’s a coward because he didn’t take his punishment like a man with character.

I am thoroughly disgusted by the world’s film community for supporting him just because he makes good movies.  I understand that Hitler was a good painter…Maybe we shouldn’t have closed in on and bombed his bunker because good painters are a treasure.

There’s word that both the Polish and French governments are going to try to get Obama to “pardon” him.  I can’t believe Obama would agree to such a request while looking into the eyes of his two little girls.  Can you?

Amoral is the word of the day - it means no moral compass whatsoever.  And that’s what we are seeing around the world in those who have come out to sympathize with and support Roman Polanski, child rapist.  His heinous act and three decades of freedom avoiding an appropriate sentence don’t mean anything to amoral people.  It’s all about the game of movies.  God bless the Swiss arrest and the intent of the Los Angeles District Attorney’s office to bring him back to face justice. 

Someone in Hollywood is already, I am sure, scripting up for the movie of Polanski’s life, and to be sure, he will be presented to the Vatican for consideration of sainthood, because he is big box office.

When Good People Make Bad Choices

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Bad things happen to good people.  My question often is:  when they have a choice, why do good people choose for bad things to happen to them?  Here’s an email I received, which was titled “Choosing Wisely:”

Dear Dr. Laura:

…I have cerebral palsy.  My difficulties have motivated me to use common  sense quite frequently.  I consider what others may perceive as my  weakness to be my fulcrum of strength.

I have dated several men, but I knew at a young age that I couldn’t marry  a weak one.  I have to be strong, but in many ways, my husband IS one of  the reasons for my strength.

{I heard a female caller who knew she had not chosen her man wisely,  but] married him anyway.  When you were guiding her, she kept  responding with ‘I know that.’  But the fact is, she now has two children  who will likely witness an unhappy relationship between the parents or  succumb to the misfortunes of a broken home.  Why on earth are all the  red flags ignored?  We’re all born with a gift of intuition, but too often, it’s  discarded.  Choosing wisely in the first place is meant to help us avoid  unnecessary drama.

Many people still don’t realize the power that they have.  We teach others  every day how to treat us.  Conversely, we get treated in a manner that we  allow.  As I once read on your website, ‘The reason there are jerks is  because there is always someone willing to date them,’ and unfortunately,  in many cases, marry them.

My existence is hard, but choosing wisely was the easiest thing I have  done.  I have no complaints.  I suffer every day with a disability, but at  least it reminds me that I am alive.  I know you have said that what’s  ’normal’ cannot be fixes, and not everything can be.  However, if my  condition is the only thing I cannot fix, then I simply accept it.  I am my  husband’s girlfriend, and I remain your dedicated listener and reader.   Thank you for everything you’ve given me.

Sincerely,
Dana

As a psychotherapist with over three decades on THIS job, I know that plenty of people get absorbed in the melodrama of difficult situations with huge ups and downs.  Some people compulsively re-live early childhood problems in the hope of finally having them end up better; others are just not ready for healthy intimacy, but dive in anyway.  Then there are those who aren’t very interested in giving, which is avoidable if you’re in a difficult relationship with a difficult person and always spend your time angry or hurt. 

I know all this, yet it hurts my soul when people line up for grief, disappointment, disaster and hurt.  It makes me angry (sorry, it’s true) when they triangulate children into the chaos.

Choose wisely; treat kindly.  Those are my four words for success.  They are why I do my show three hours each and every weekday…in the hopes that many of you good people will not make bad decisions.  Your life counts on it.