There’s No Growth Without Some Pain

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Guilt and longing are two very human emotions that often blend into a desperate glue that keeps people stuck in situations they ought not to be in.  Whether it is with family, friends or a prospective spouse, trust that small, smart voice inside of you which repeats the mantra you try to ignore:  “This is destructive or dangerous.  Let it go or get out.”

Decent people feel guilty about pulling away from a relationship because “it will hurt the other person’s feelings,” and decent people just cringe at the idea of causing another emotional pain.  That’s nice, but guilt is a cue that what you’re doing is wrong, not that what you’re doing is something somebody else just doesn’t want or like.  There is no intent to hurt in this situation.  There is only the intent to preserve one’s own emotional and physical safety and/or well-being.

Longing is a natural condition - i.e., wanting something to be right and good because you’ve invested in it, and because it is a good thing to want:  a great, happy, healthy, mutually fulfilling relationship is always a blessing.  However, when that is clearly not the case, then withdrawing is the healthiest and, therefore, right thing to do.  It is difficult for people to give up their dreams, but you have to remember that the dream is not the problem.  The current object of that dream is the problem.  Take your dream and plant it where it can actually grow well.

Remember, there is no growth without discomfort or outright pain.  Consider growing pains of the emotional sort just a natural course of events as you mature, and make wise decisions. 

Choose wisely; treat kindly.  Treating kindly won’t work if you haven’t chosen wisely.

When Others Are Hurting, Can You Still Have A Good Day?

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A number of people have expressed to me that they feel somewhat guilty that their lives are so blessed and/or peaceful right now while people are being blown up in Afghanistan, Pakistan and other places - and by their own countrymen!  Or that people are suffering and dying by the tens of thousands in Haiti in the aftermath of a devastating earthquake.

“How [they ask] can I dare to have a good day when all of this is happening?”

I think that’s a good question asked by decent people. 

The answer is simple:  what choice do you have?

Shall you undermine yourself and those who count on you by crumbling under the awareness of this cruelty of people and nature?  Does that add to the miserly of the world?  YES.  Does that minimize the misery of the world?  NO.

Your job is to do and be your best and to bring light into darkness in your own mind and home, and among family, friends, and community.  Where you have the wherewithal and the expertise to extend that to deserving people and places, do so because all humanity benefits by your action of caring - if not aided directly, then at the very least inspired by your example.

Where you can’t extend yourself to some place around the world, be cognizant that compassion and love in a circle around you has a ripple effect to help perfect the world for whatever moments of bliss might exist.  They add up. 

Whether close at hand or off to a distant land, when you extend mercy, you do an act which magnificently defines humanity.

Gambling on Bad Behavior

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Frankly, I’m fed up with excuses for out-of-control, bad behavior.  Excuses like:
          1) it’s an addiction
          2) it’s somebody else’s fault.

Nothing is going to change in anyone’s life until responsibility for choices, actions, or inactions is taken.

Here’s an example:  during a year-long gambling binge at the Caesar’s Palace and Rio casinos in Las Vegas in 2007, Terrence Watanabe managed to lose nearly $127 million (most of his personal fortune).  Watanabe - unmarried, no kids - who spent his adult life working around the clock for his father’s import novelty business, picked up gambling in Las Vegas and was treated like a king.

Apparently, he drank to excess, and is claiming that the casinos named in his lawsuit violated gambling regulations by not shutting off his ability to gamble when he was drunk - which is a state rule.

Mr. Watanabe is also a criminal defendant who faces 28 years in prison for “intent to defraud and steal from Harrah’s,” stemming from $14.7 million that the casino says it extended to him as credit and that he lost.

So, which is it?  Is Watanabe responsible for his debts, drunk or sober?  Or is Harrah’s responsible as they allegedly let him gamble and lose when he was drunk?

Well, it might be BOTH!

Watanabe may have a case if, indeed, Harrah’s broke the law about allowing drunks to gamble.

HOWEVER (and it is a BIG “however”), that argument might work for Watanabe for one tour of gambling, but when sober - sober, mind you - he made the choice…the choice…to go back to Harrah’s, drink, gamble, lose, ask for credit, and not pay the full amount he owed.

Watanabe is responsible for his bad behavior, bad habits and debts.  If Harrah’s employees kept him gambling when he was “fall-down drunk,” then they have to deal with the civil courts and the gaming commission of the state.  However, how drunk do you have to be before you are not responsible for deciding on a bet, physically pushing chips forward, and so on?  If you’re fall down drunk, you’re probably not able to do those things. 

He placed his bets; he lost.  He needs to pay up.

Alienation of Affection Law Could Help Tiger Woods’ Wife

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I understand that the list is now at 14 distinct dalliances by Tiger Woods, and the count is likely to grow.  One of the reasons the legal types are interested in this situation is the precedent for “alienation of affection” suits, which can be filed when an “outsider” interferes in a marriage.  These suits are allowed in seven states:  Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota and Utah.  Why these suits are disallowed in all the other states is a curiosity.  Perhaps lawmakers in those states were being pre-emptively self-protective.  Who knows?

However, it doesn’t matter that Woods lives in Florida, a state where alienation of affections suits aren’t allowed.  If any of Woods’ professed affairs took place in an alienation of affection state, Mrs. Tiger Woods could sue.  According to my research, the suits rarely make it to trial - usually the threat of such an embarrassing lawsuit is enough to have it end up in an out-of-court financial settlement.

On my radio program, when I discuss with the “wronged” spouse their pain and desire to get revenge with the “other woman or man,” I remind them that it is their spouse who breached vows.  The other individual was just the means to that sad end.  When people don’t wish to leave their marriages, they often focus their rage on that other person to protect their spouse from their rage.  However, I believe it ought to be common understanding that the vows include a warning to others:  “let no man turn asunder” means that no one should interfere with the married couple’s intimacy.  All society has really taken that vow.  Therefore, I believe it is fair that there be some consequence, and perhaps compensation, for the hurt caused.

I think all states should allow such lawsuits, as they respect the sanctity of marriage.

Tiger Woods

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My comments today are short and to the point.

With respect to Tiger Woods:

He is the best golfer ever.

He is a philandering spouse of major proportions.

Should that matter?

It was posited to me that what a celebrity does outside of his or her “famous” activity should not matter to anyone.

I thought about that for about an hour, and then decided this:

That statement is correct, unless that celebrity makes hay (or money) on the issue of TRUST, which Tiger Woods does by using his name and image as a “nice guy” to sell products.  He is untrustworthy…plain and simple, and therefore, should not be representing anything or anyone, because his word means nothing.

He is a great golfer.

So what.

He is not a great man/father/husband.

End of commentary.

Using the Web to Get Revenge

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In a recent radio interview, I discussed the issue of “webtribution,” a term coined by Elizabeth Bernstein in The Wall Street Journal to describe people who use the Internet to get revenge - i.e., publicly to hurt another human being with whom they are not happy.

The Internet is anonymous, immediate, and gratifying in the moment.  In human history, vengeance is not unfamiliar - people haven’t changed that much.  Their means of delivering pain has evolved from poison, duels, clever rumors, and Machiavellian manipulation to the world wide web.  In some ways, damaging someone’s reputation is akin to murdering them, as their reputation is devastated world-wide and forever, making it difficult for them to function in private relationships as well as in the community and at work.

To quote The Wall Street Journal:  “Most of us have heard of someone posting naked photos of an ‘ex’ online.  Or writing nasty reviews for a restaurant or book, not because they dislike the product, but because they dislike the person who created it.  Or signing up an acquaintance for [unwanted] e-mail advertising lists.” 

My opinion is that it should be illegal, as it is immoral, to post information or opinion about people without identifying yourself.  Obviously, it is also cowardly.  Google and all other such carriers should not permit anonymity.  That would immediately change the complexion of what is posted, and I don’t think they’d lose business, except from those who use the Internet for evil (terrorists of the international and interpersonal kind). 

Wife Turns in Pedophile Husband

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I remember when the Unabomber was caught.  There was an uproar of indignation concerning the fact that it was his brother who “ratted” him out.  When his brother saw the published ramblings of the serial murderer known as the “Unabomber,” he recognized the sentiments, mentality, and writing style of his brother, and informed the police.  If memory serves me right, The Los Angeles Times had either an editorial or an op-ed piece castigating the brother for essentially “turning on blood.”

That was a morally repugnant point of view.  Protecting the innocent against evil is the responsibility of every human being, regardless of the “job description” of the evildoer - in this case, a sibling.

Fortunately, in England, a wife of twenty years understood her responsibility to others (in this case, children), and set aside emotional pain and potential embarrassment.  She set out to trap her husband, whom she suspected of being a pedophile.  Apparently, her husband chatted with teenagers as he groomed them for sex.

The wife pretended to be a 14 year old girl, and caught him in the act.  She was in the neighboring living room while he was in his study sweating over a hot computer, setting “her” up for a meeting to have sex.  He also used a webcam to carry out sex acts and send the videos over the Internet.  Our plucky wife watched this in absolute disgust and horror.

She then contacted police who seized his computer.  She didn’t march into his study to confront him, cry, or threaten.  Like a good citizen, she just turned it all over to the authorities.  GOOD FOR HER!

He only received three years of community service and was banned indefinitely from having access in person or online to children under the age of 18.  He also had to register as a sex offender, and, oh yes, she divorced him.

“I did the right thing, and I don’t regret it.  Now I just need some time to think and put this all behind me,” she said to a reporter.

She should have gotten a medal.

Making It Personal for the Holidays

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My husband and I were very disappointed when we learned that we could not be with our military son on Thanksgiving.  We casually mentioned to some friends that we were just going to have scrambled eggs and bagels for Thanksgiving dinner, because without him there, it just wasn’t going to be worth the effort.  Well, they kindly invited us to spend Thanksgiving with their family, and we accepted. 

I wanted to do something nice for them to really show them thanks for such a lovely gesture, so I knitted a seven-foot runner for their table.  When it was finished, it seemed so “plain,” that I spent four hours crocheting around the entire runner twice and added a fringe to the ends.  When I gave it to her, she held it close to her chest near her heart, and her eyes teared up as she expressed her emotion for my putting in that amount of effort for her.  I have to tell you that I’ve never felt so moved by a reaction to a gift in my life.

She and her husband were doing something “personal” for me, and I wanted to return the favor.  Having Thanksgiving with their adult children and a couple who were mutual friends made for a fabulous evening, with lots of laughs and a yummy turkey….mmmm.

So, I’ve stopped buying bottles of wine and chocolate-filled baskets.  I’ve been working around the clock for weeks either knitting, weaving, or sewing Christmas presents.  I finished my last project for my “peeps” on Sunday (our office holiday party was on Tuesday), so I had a bit of a crunch for time.  While it was exhausting and sometimes frustrating when equipment has a mind of its own, I feel giddy about giving gifts that are so much of myself.  Clearly, it means more to the receiver AND the giver.

To top it off, a few of my dearest friends sent me “Thanksgiving” e-mails, enumerating the reasons they felt grateful for having me in their lives.  It blew my mind.  It is incredibly touching to know that you matter to someone.

I’m writing these stories to urge you all to do the same this Christmas.  Don’t buy a card - write to that person and let them know why they matter to you and what you appreciate about them and how you feel grateful for them.  Instead of purchasing something generally useless that they might never use and will not cause them to reflect on your relationship, make something or do something.  For example:  plant some flowers on either side of their front door; make a rocking chair for the back porch; fix something on their property; take their kids for the night so they can have a romantic time to themselves….the list of possibilities is endless.

Make it personal, and that doesn’t require ridiculous expenditures for gifts that ultimately don’t matter. 

Oh, and one more thing.  We will see our kidlet for Christmas.  The tree is already up.