A True Hero and a Real Man

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Keith McVey lives in Akron, Ohio.  He’s 53 years old and is a mailman.  Everyone in Akron knows him.  Recently, he saved the life of another person for the third time in his life. 

While delivering the mail, he noticed a panicked man trying to revive his unconscious friend at the back of a pickup.  “He said his buddy wasn’t breathing,” explained McVey.  “I thought, well, let’s see what’s going on.  Sometimes you just have to act.”

While trained in CPR,  McVey had never actually performed it before.  He began chest compressions for several minutes, waiting for both a pulse and the paramedics.  The unconscious man regained a pulse, the paramedics arrived, and what did McVey do?  Not go home; not go to the local TV station to become a star; not hang around for applause.

No….he picked up his mailbag and continued his deliveries. 

Why?

“…if I don’t finish up, they’d have to take all my mail back,” he explained.  “I didn’t want anybody to have to pick up my slack.”

I am not minimizing the CPR part at all – that was truly lifesaving.  I am maximizing the humble sense of responsibility that never left his mind.  He was going to finish his route, because it was his job and he didn’t want to burden or inconvenience someone else.  That is the truly heroic part for me.  No arrogance, no sense of entitlement, no grabbing at any opportunity to get out of work.

That’s a true hero….and a REAL man.

When Hate Shows Character

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On June 30, I posted a blog about “hating” evil.  I got the following response from one brave young woman, and I’m making her my guest blogger today:

Hi, Dr. Laura:

I am 27 years old and have been listening to you for as long as I can remember.  My mom turned you on in the car.  She was a stay-at-home mom, but we did way more than just stay at home.  I listen [to your radio program] via Streamlink, so I just heard your commentary on hate.  You have made me feel even more right in my choice to hate.

I have a brother-in-law who is a skinhead.  He is also a criminal - [having gone] in and out of jail over the years.  My sister brought this man into my life when I was 12 years old, so since then, my family has been battling him and his drunken fits and fights with my sister.  I grew up opinionated; I have convictions and they are strong, so naturally, we butted heads.  But for a long time, I would just get along with this monster for the sake of peace (as my mother taught me).

When I turned 18 and moved out, I saw that I could choose who was in my life.  And after an incident at my other sister’s home where I was given the “Heil Hitler” salute, I was done.  Done making peace.  I found that making peace with this man was to be okay with all the evil he brought into my family.  My mom suggested I just be careful of him as if he were a pit bull.  I thought “no,” and then was sad that my family would not take the stand I would.

So, any holiday or family get-together, I made it clear that I would not attend if he did.  And I missed out on a lot.  People were just too scared of what they might look like, or scared that my sister would say no one could see the children, or another excuse I find just as evil as him.  He didn’t do anything to me personally, so I can’t shun him.  I was very sad that my family had chosen to make peace with the devil rather than stand up to him.

My saving grace was my boyfriend’s family, whose home constantly was a place I could go, and they told me they thought I was doing what was right.

This year, I have been able to see my family on holidays – it took one last fight where my brother-in-law assaulted my dad and destroyed their property.  It is sad that that is what it took for my parents and oldest sister to decide that peace was not the way.  My sister is still married to him, but is now she who misses out on family events, because her husband is no longer welcome. 

I hope she sees his dangerous and destructive pattern and gets herself and her children out of there, but, sadly, I’m not holding my breath.

Thank you for all you do, and for making me realize that other people’s actions need not define my character.

Nancy

What To Do About People Who Annoy You

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There is no doubt in my mind we all have someone in our lives who is downright annoying – it seems to be just one of those facts of life.  It’s your reactions to those people that concerns me.  So many of you write me or call me about how upset you get and how your feelings are hurt when you encounter that annoying individual. 

So stop a moment and ask yourself :  “Why?”  Why are you overreacting to “annoying?”  Annoying is not vicious.  Annoying is about the other person being insensitive, jealous, inadequate (and therefore critical), lonely (and therefore attempting to be involved)…stuff like that.

You need to distinguish “annoying”  from “mean.”  “Mean” is to be avoided; the negative content of “annoying” is to be ignored.  Here’s what I mean:

You go to a relative or friend’s home and they comment about your hair, clothes, kid, lifestyle, eating habits, etc.  You can get all upset, OR you can say “Oh, you’re so cute…” and give them a hug.  Let it be at that. 

Surprise and confusion are the most powerful weapons:  not anger or tears.  And nothing surprises someone who is being critical more than a hug and a smile.  It may seem difficult for you to imagine doing that but two things are instantly accomplished:

1.  You don’t feel as bad because you’re behaving nicely, and behavior has a direct effect on feelings!
2. The other person is taken by surprise (i.e., your showing affection), and finds it more difficult to remain negative or critical toward you – it just becomes too awkward.  So remember….surprise and confusion!

No one who is annoying expects anything except your bowing to their attempt at power or relevance.  Affection with humor has you keeping the power.

Try it.  With a smile, of course!

Grit + Determination = The Right Character

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If you think you can’t get out from under the problems and stresses of your life, then you have to pay attention to the email I got from one determined listener:

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

‘Fess Up If You Mess Up

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Boy, oh boy, do I have to arm wrestle, pull teeth and stamp my feet sometimes to get callers to simply admit to “my bad.”  You know, the individual desire to never look or be wrong or bad so that people won’t punish you and/or will like you leads people to walk straight into retribution and dislike. 

The absolutely best thing to do when you’ve done wrong is to accept and admit responsibility.  Nothing makes others precipitously drop their rage than the sight and sound of someone owning up to his or her wrongdoing.  After a certain amount of shock and disbelief, people will look at you with some awe, because taking responsibility and demonstrating remorse, and being willing to repair whatever damage has been caused is the most compassionate way to handle having hurt or disappointed someone.

Yes, you might have to deal with repercussions, but just think back to some of the old movies where people finally confess, because they simply can’t stand the burden on their hearts and souls.  It’s true – it takes a lot of energy to hide and pretend.  It’s a relief to everyone if you just say: “Yeah, I did it….sorry.  Here’s how I would like to fix this situation and make it better.”

So, the very next time you “mess up,” just “‘fess up” and see how much better you and the hurt party feel and get along.

Judging Others Is Not Competing With God

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Have you heard the comment “It’s not right to make judgments about others?”  That was the topic that came up in a playgroup discussion, and one of the moms in that group wanted my opinion:

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

Setting My Record Straight About Gays

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My blog  today has to do with teaching you how to respond to lies.  Most importantly, lies about me.  At 63 years of age (okay, 63 and a half), I am absolutely blown away by the casual meanness and vulgarity that passes for opinion and discourse.  In my early years, if you wrote or verbally gave an argument that had even a tinge of nastiness (forget the vulgarity), both you and your point of view would be flushed…intellectually disqualified.  Nowadays though, people feel frighteningly free to criticize with vulgarities, insults, lies, exaggerations, misrepresentations, character assassination and downright ferocious meanness.
      
Nothing new here.  I’ve been commenting on this for a while, but last night a friend approached me…a friend approached me and asked me how he should handle a particular situation.  (I thought I was getting into “Dr. Laura gear”). Somebody had contacted him and challenged him about being my friend because, (and to quote that person) “she hates gays”.  For almost a dozen years (I think they’re automatically renewed computer-wise daily…you’ve probably seen it or heard about it), a blog appears under different sources, ostensibly asking me to answer questions about some of the Bible’s entries about slavery, daughters…so forth.  It supposes that I ever quoted Leviticus that homosexuality is an abomination.  That never happened.  I repeat: that never happened.  I never said that.  I don’t believe that.
 
In fact (which they will deny…don’t you love activism?) I was one of the earliest radio hosts to support organizations such as PFLAG (you know, Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) and other efforts to encourage openness and acceptance of gays in their own families, much less society.  But to my surprise (but not naivetë), to many activists, truth is irrelevant when the intent is to rally support through raising passions, especially negative passions.  Get people angry and they stop thinking for themselves.

Here’s the truth: I’m for marriage as a bond between a man and a woman.  I’m for children having the benefit of a married mommy and daddy, which by the way also means that you straight women should not intentionally exclude a daddy from your kid’s lives just because you want to be a mommy.  But most importantly, you listen every day, you hear I take calls almost daily from gay men and women asking my advice on personal and family matters.  These are the people who know the truth about me because, you know what, they actually listen to my daily radio program.  They call because they know I can and will help.  And every week I receive letters from listeners and fans who are gay and thank me when I take a call or read a letter from another gay listener, and here’s what they think, in their own words (let me get this ready…okay):

“Thank you for reading the email from the gay gentleman.  I’m a gay woman (I don’t like the word ‘lesbian’) [she writes] and listen to you faithfully.  I applaud you for protecting children and keeping people on the right path.  I echo the feelings of the gay man who emailed you today.  I am and have been single for 10 years.  I just wanted to let you know how much I agree with you on how to make relationships work.  I only wish I had found you before my partner left. If I had, I don’t think she would have ended the relationship. I hope more people in gay relationships will listen to you.”

Here’s another one:

“I just heard you read the email over the air from the faithful gay listener. Add me to the column! I’m a gay male in central Virginia who listens to you every day after I get home from work.  I’ve been listening regularly for the past three years and I wouldn’t miss it.  Gay or straight…white, black, green, purple, or blue…Momma Laura knows how to knock some sense into people’s heads.”

[Laughs]  And, something I saved…something I saved.  Here’s a call I got recently from a gay listener [listen to the audio here]

Caller: Thank you Dr. Laura.

Dr. L:   Thank you.

Caller:   I have to say, right off the bat that I need to apologize to you publicly because I wrote you a nasty-gram under the impression that you were against gay people.  And I know better now, so I deeply apologize for that.

Dr. L: Thank you.  How kind of you and thank you very much, and I accept your apology.

Caller: Thank you.

      In fact, I get (brace yourself) disappointed and angry emails each week from people upset that I help gay callers.  I give advice to gays and lesbians who call my show.  One radio station dropped me because I give advice to gays and lesbians.  Quite openly, I have been personally very hurt over the years with the misrepresentation which has led to a generation of folks who haven’t read my books, haven’t attended a “one-woman show”, haven’t listened to my radio show, yet presumed to know me and what I stand for.  Having people believe that I’m a bigot and hate me…and “hate” is the word…is horrible, frustrating, demoralizing and unbelievably painful.
       
So my answer to my friend who wanted to know what he should say to people who challenge him being my friend, is to tell those people to listen to my show.  I am happy to have any and all draw their own conclusions about me from an informed position, for a change, by listening to my program for a month or two.  So there is a lesson in all of this: don’t let anybody tell you how to feel about another person without exploring the situation yourself and don’t waste hate.  Save hate for those who…like the Taliban, hang to their necks until dead seven year old children in order to scare a village and take control.  That’s where hate ought to go.

A Man With A Vision

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I want to tell you about an extraordinary man’s vision and commitment.  In this case, “vision” is figurative, because he is, quite literally, blind.

Urban Miyares is a Vietnam veteran.  At the end of a particularly horrendous firefight, he was mistakenly put into a body bag for dead.  Two days later, when the bags were opened to do identifications, a medic assistant noticed that he was not dead.  His injuries were severe, and he is now blind, but he didn’t miss a beat to stay involved in life.  He has started and operated many businesses and has always used his talents.  He didn’t “quit” on life.

Urban is the founder and director of Challenged America (www.challengedamerica.org), whose mission is to introduce sailing as a therapeutic and rehabilitative-enhancing activity to individuals with disabilities. That sounds very nice, but what put me “over the top” was his firm commitment to working only with people who are committed to being involved in work and life.  If they aren’t working or in work training, he won’t take them into the program.  He told me that the folks who just get disability and sit around are directed toward regular sailing schools.  He works hard with people who are equally committed to working hard.

That sounds more than nice.  It is brilliant.  Never be more committed to helping someone than they are committed to helping themselves!  When Urban made those pronouncements, I was all aboard with ferocious enthusiasm, as I share that philosophy and that’s why I chide so many parents and other family members for trying harder than the one they’re helping.  Continual rescues only serve to let the person they’re “helping” continue on his or her destructive path, and to assuage any feelings of guilt on the part of the helper by keeping the other afloat when that person is not even trying  to tread water.

I participated in a wonderful dinner (where I was the keynote speaker), silent auction, and regatta in support of Challenged America.   I was very proud to be part of all those events to benefit such a worthy operation.  Check them out at www.challengedamerica.org.