Standing Up and Speaking Out

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This is about standing up and speaking out.  Not enough of you do it, and you don’t do it often enough.  There’s a good reason you don’t – because you get crap for it and most people want to avoid getting crap in their lives.  When you tickle something somebody is sensitive about (and they feel guilt about), they’ll attack to protect their ego.  So, standing up takes guts and a commitment to your beliefs.  But without being willing to do such, how can you possibly EVER have any pride in yourself? 

What sparked these thoughts is Catherine’s email:

Dr. Laura,

A few days ago, my car decided not to start. Luckily, my husband hadn’t left yet, so he drove me to work before going to his job. Then, since he had an appointment after work, he picked me up from my office and took me with him. I didn’t mind going, considering he did me a great favor of driving me to and from my job.

While sitting in the waiting room at his appointment, another couple came in. The secretary and the woman started to talk very flippantly about divorce. They commented on how they had already discussed with their husbands – before getting married – what they would receive, (as they would say), in their “inevitable divorce”. I was shocked and horrified they would say such things betweent themselves let alone in front of their husbands. I spoke up by saying “It is very sad you feel that way toward the person you promised to love, honor and cherish. Your husbands obviously chose very poorly in a wife and I hope your children have better examples of what love should be other than yourselves.”

I got up and walked away from astonished faces. And when my husband met me outside, all I could do was hug him and let him know that thank goodness we were nothing like the people in that office.

Wow!  Let that be an inspiration.  Don’t be wussy – it doesn’t make you have pride in yourself.  And I certainly never want you to call me and say, “This is what I heard… and what I wanted to say was….” It won’t be a pretty moment.

Where Are the Real Men?

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I want to write about how there are no men.  (Well, there aren’t no men, there are just few men).  And a lot of women don’t even like real men; they like feminized men – - especially if they’re gay.  That’s even better.  And many women marry mama’s boys because they don’t want a real man.  Then they get shocked when his mother can push him around better than they can.  Well… his mother has had a lot more practice — his whole life. 

Betsy Hart, one of my favorite writers, recently wrote a great article about this topic.  She begins:

Whatever happened to men? That’s a common question today, being asked by social commentators, parents and single women everywhere. They are lamenting young men’s shrinking status in academia, the workplace and, maybe especially, marriage….

She goes on to say:

…it’s simply the case that too often today’s males are living up to the low expectations the culture has for them.

This is true particularly since feminism arose with the attitude of “we don’t need men.”  Gloria Steinem said: “A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle”.  That was feminism.  It rarely had anything to do with equal pay for equal jobs.  It had to do with hating being a wife… hating being a mother… and hating men.  That’s what feminism primarily has always been about.  Don’t kid yourself.

Betsy Hart goes on to quote from Bill Bennett’s new book: The Book of Man: Readings on the Path to Manhood.  In it, there’s an essay by:

David Gelernter, the renowned Yale computer-sciences professor who was injured in an attack by the Unabomber[. He] talks about how he is bringing up his own sons against the culture. He writes that ‘a man’s role in respect to women is to protect, to help, to support, to cherish as opposed to consume. We are a consumer society and the number one consumption is that of women.’

…Families need to teach young men what it means to be responsible, to work hard and to be prepared to someday get married and care for a wife and children….

I would argue that we also might teach our daughters to respect men. Real men, not the men concocted for treacly romantic comedies. And to respect themselves enough to wait for that man in every sense of that word.

Please take the time to read Betsy Hart’s entire article: Lamenting the Demise of Manliness in America 

And then my staff got me information on traits of real men and I want to share this article with you.  It’s from the blogger MochaDad:

Men were made to be bold, strong leaders.  However, our society has attempted to repress these traits.  (Sidebar: Look what happens in schools with little boys and girls.  Schools are organized for little girls who can sit quietly and sweetly with their hands folded at the desk.  Of course I was never one of those little girls, but generally speaking the schools were. And the little boys?  Well, we say they have ADD and we drug them so they’ll sit like little girls with their hands folded sweetly.) If you look at the way men (especially dads) are portrayed on TV, you’d think we were all a bunch of irresponsible, befuddled, nincompoops, who can only function with the help of a “smart” female partner, friend, or spouse.

He titles his blog: The 7 Traits of Real Men.  Women — I want you to read them because this is the guy you should look for.  Men — I want you to read them so you can stop being weenies and take back your masculinity, your parts, your giblets — if you get my drift.   I can’t believe how many women who have called my show over the years who I’ve told they should have married another woman because the traits they wanted in their husband are not masculine.

Let Your Conscience Be Your Guide

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There was an article in the news recently about a man who returned money he stole from a Sears store in Seattle in the 1940s.  The original theft was between $20 and $30, so the now elderly man returned $100.  The store manager believes the man’s conscience may have been bothering him for the past 60 years.  The store will put the money toward helping needy families.

So I was interested to learn what my listeners have owned up to – even years later – because of their conscience; why they felt it was important to right the wrong and how doing so changed their life.  Below are just three examples. 

I.
When I was a young, very poor child in the 1940′s nearly everything was ‘too expensive’  — even the little rubber balls on a rubber string that were only ten cents at the Five & Dime store.

One summer day I stole one of the little balls. It seemed to be such fun but sadly, my great aunt and grandmother had raised me with a conscience. The ‘fun’ even seemed to be stolen and not so much fun after all.

Years later, in my 20s we traveled back to my old home town. The first thing I did was go to the store and paid back ten fold for the little ball. The manager was open-mouthed at first and then smiled and thanked me.

It was a great feeling. Forgiven and restored. That was nearly 60 years ago but the satisfaction of handing a dollar to the store manager and wiping the slate clean is still with me. – P.

II.
When I was twenty-four, already living on my own, my mom had a hysterectomy. A week later it was her 50th birthday. I was supposed to go to her house, but I wanted to go out with my boyfriend instead. I told my brother over the phone it would be real boring because I’d have to sit around and just hold her hand. My mom was listening in on the extension and started to cry. My dad called me back, told me I was a slut, and he was ashamed of me. I went to my boyfriend’s house anyway.

Years later I told my mom there were things I did selfishly I had regretted ever since, and I mentioned the time of her 50th birthday. I realized how much it must have hurt her and I was appalled at my behavior. She said she forgave me, and was proud of the person I had become; I was a good mom and she admired my strength. I replied, “Every good thing I know I learned from you, Mom.” I think Mom was choked up and couldn’t accept the compliment, but I know my slate was wiped clean and it felt so good.

When she lay dying this past spring, I was sad and upset, but I never felt we had any unfinished business. In every way that matters, I know Mom loved me and knew I loved her. – L.

III.
In high school, there was a kid who was a real easy target for me.  We went to a small school; our class had 20 kids. I was a big kid, had a big mouth and silver tongue, and he was a little slow, didn’t have any friends, and torturing him was a quick way to get easy laughs and make myself look cool. It went beyond simple name calling and spit wads. You could say my friends and I were bordering on psychological abuse. I thought about it every now and then over the years, but just shrugged it off as teenage crap.

This July I went to my 20 year reunion. I was surprised to see him there, in the corner by himself, and, was shocked at the look on his face when he saw me. It was a look of fear and panic. I was made aware in that split second when our eyes met it was much more than ‘teenage crap’ to that guy. I wasn’t a distance memory he could barely recall. He was actually scared of me – 20 years later.

I felt awful. I spent the next hour or so away from my buddies, one-on-one with him, engaging in good conversation, about what he’s been doing and just general catch-up. Unfortunately, life hasn’t been much kinder to him than I was all those years ago.  Just before the dinner started, I leaned in close and said, “There’s something I’ve got to say to you. I owe you a huge apology for how I treated you, man.” He tried to dismiss it and I interrupted. “No, this is important. There was no excuse for the crap you had to endure back then. I have no excuse for the things I said and did, and I was an absolute bastard. I’d like to ask for your forgiveness.”

He studied me for a second, and then got a huge grin with glassy eyes as he put his hand out. We shook, he said he accepted, and appreciated it.

The rest of the evening was great, he had a good time, and his spirit seemed to lift. I’m not sure if that had more effect on me or him, but I’m angry at myself for not seeking him out sooner. All I can hope for is I’ve made it right, and that night was a turning point for him. – C.

I do believe no matter how many days, months, years or decade pass, it’s a good thing to right the wrong.  I’ve gotten so many calls from people having done something they want to apologize for, but it happened so long ago.  Absolutely, send a card, send an email; just don’t text — that’s the least sensitive way to apologize.  But make a connection and say you’re sorry – if you are.  Don’t excuse it, don’t even explain it.  The best way to apologize is to say, “I did _________.  It was wrong.  I regret it.  And I’m sorry for any pain I caused you.”

Overcoming Life’s Challenges

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There are many people living with physical disabilities who lead truly inspiring lives. Some you may know in your own personal lives.  I want to share some stories with you and hope they will inspire and challenge you to live your best life.

Probably one of the world’s best-known high achievers with a disability is Stephen Hawking.  He’s an internationally renowned physicist/mathematician, who, at 35, was Cambridge’s first professor of gravitational physics.  He has written a best-selling book (which was later made into a film) called “A Brief History of Time:  From the Big Bang to Black Holes.”  He’s in a wheelchair and can hardly move any part of his body.  He has a mechanism to help him talk, but it sounds like something from a science fiction movie.  His body is seriously disabled, but his mind is not.  So, he’s committed it to using it at math.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt , the 32nd President of the United States, contracted polio in 1921, and was paralyzed from the waist down.  Refusing to accept his paralysis, he tried different therapies and methods to try to walk, and did master walking short distances using iron braces and a cane.  Men were men in that era, and he wanted to look strong as President.  He established a foundation to help others with polio and directed the March of Dimes program which eventually funded an effective vaccine.

My favorite and absolute heroine, however, is Helen Keller.  She was an American author, political activist and lecturer… She was also blind, deaf, and mute.  That sort of cuts out a lot of input when you’re blind AND deaf.  She was the first blind and deaf person to be awarded a Bachelor of Arts degree.  The list goes on and on.

So, what is it that makes a Helen Keller or a Stephen Hawking?  Or an Albert Einstein for that matter (he had a learning disability)?  How do they do it, and why do they do it?

I had a caller recently from a man who was 120 pounds overweight.  He had aches and pains, and couldn’t find motivation, or didn’t want motivation.  It’s not like you can “find” motivation – either you’re motivated or you’re not.  I believe those who “can’t” in actuality just “won’t.”  But how do you overcome tough, difficult and demoralizing challenges?  How do you just not simmer in self-pity or negativity?

Well, the first way is to motivate yourself.  Motivate yourself any way you want, but just do it.  

Next, calm down and take it slowly.  When you’re facing serious problems and troubles in life, you can’t panic your way through something.  You can’t think through a panic.  You need to find a way to do that.  Most people avoid challenges because failure is too embarrassing or uncomfortable, but when you don’t even face a challenge, that’s the biggest failure.  Trying something and not being able to do it well or not at all is not considered failure in my book.  It’s the beginning of success.  Failing can be frustrating and embarrassing, but so what?  

Third, simplify the problem.  Break it down into parts.  Do one thing at a time:  what went wrong, what are your options, and what could happen with each option?  Simplify each step.  One of the reasons people have trouble tackling tough problems is because they tend to make them complicated.  Keep it simple.

Finally, you need inner strength, because you have to do the best you can to maintain confidence and a positive outlook, because that’s going to ebb and flow.  Some people get freaked out when that happens, but that’s normal!

Last, but not least, is to learn how to live with a little bit of failure.  That’s how we learn.  That’s the only way to get better.

Interview with Parents Who Had Wrong Embryo Implanted

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It’s a nightmare no one wants to live out in real life.  Carolyn and Sean Savage, undergoing an in vitro fertilization (IVF) transfer, had the wrong embryo implanted, yet they brought the baby to term and then turned the infant over to his genetic parents.  I wanted to talk to this courageous couple about their heartbreaking journey.  Listen to the interview here.

Surviving A Shark Attack (On Land)

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Last week, I was on the “Today” show  to talk about my book, my life, your life getting screwed over by people you depended on or never knew were going to shoot at you or unknown to you completely.  When it comes out of left field, it’s really something.

My book is called “Surviving a Shark Attack (On Land)”and it’s about overcoming betrayal and dealing with revenge, and as I’ve said many times, I adore revenge.  I just can’t get any!  You know, like the Rolling Stones’ “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction?”  Well, I can’t get no revenge.

Why?  Because the only way to get revenge is doing something illegal, immoral, fattening, or out of your own character, which then warps your character. Damn!

Here’s a little piecelet from the book, so you get to know something more about me:

“There is a rush of lust for quick vengeance when betrayed.  I know because I have felt it every time I’ve been attacked.  I’m glad I’m surrounded by cooler heads, people I admire and trust who distract me with tales of new beginnings, opportunities and challenges.  It is also true that time well filled (in other words, not with obsessing) is a great salve.
 
In the case of a number of my betrayers, they went on to fail miserably and publicly.  I know that their egos have taken a beating, but I’m not rejoicing.  I simply don’t care.

I’m enjoying my work to a greater degree, because I’m surrounded by more support at SiriusXM.

I have taken up at least three new hobbies, and I am planning an incredible journey – an ocean race of I don’t know how many hundreds of miles (I don’t want to think about it) from Los Angeles to Honolulu in a sailboat with my crew.  All right, I’m nuts.

When these situations first went down, I, of course yearned for a “blood-letting.” And I actually think I would have enjoyed it at the time.

Time is the smart part of life.
 
Time reveals character.
 
Time permits healing.

Time permits growth.

Time gives perspective.
 
Time is one of life’s greatest embraces.

My entire being has been “rebooted,” and while it is satisfying on some level that my betrayers ultimately failed, it gives me no surge of delight or adrenaline.  I believe that it went the way it should have gone, the way most of us knew it would, but if I still cared, it would be less of me.  In other words, their loss is not my gain.  My gain comes from my actions, my activity, my attitude, and not from anybody else’s pain.”

The book is very tight (I tend to write succinctly), and is only 200 pages. I found some great quotes to put in it, and I’ve got my soul in it.  If there was ever a book to help you dealing with hurt, this is it.  I come at you quite personally with it.
 
Getting to the point of not caring is the epiphany that you have to come to, and it is the epitome of handling it when you actually don’t care.  I’m 64.  It took a while to learn all these things.

Tension With the Neighbors

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What do you do when you have neighbors who don’t respond to your efforts to be “neighborly?”

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read the transcript.

I Will Not Be Silenced

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Something very scary is starting in this country – in the land of the free that you and I all love – so you need to pay attention.

Four months ago, I said I was ending my terrestrial radio show at the end of the year because I wanted to regain my First Amendment rights.  A lot of intellectuals snickered and said I didn’t know what I was talking about – only the government can take away First Amendment rights.  I was only being threatened by non-government organizations like Media Matters.

Well, where do you think fascism and censorship start? 

They start when one person or one group of people demands another person or another group of people be silenced.

On Monday, I did a lot of interviews.  In every interview, I talked about how free speech on radio is in jeopardy, in danger of being regulated – censored – by people who are offended – personally and politically offended – by opinions with which they do not agree.  Rather than debate the issues, certain people in this country are suggesting the opinions which offend them should simply be silenced.

You’ve heard how CNN fired Rick Sanchez because he voiced his opinion about Jon Stewart being a bigot.

You’ve heard how NPR fired Juan Williams because he voiced his personal opinion about Muslims and 9/11.

And you say, “Well, that’s still not the government censoring opinion.”  Well, listen up, because that’s only the beginning.

On November 17, on the floor of the United States Senate, Senator Jay Rockefeller (D-WV) proposed that the FCC pull the plug on Fox News and MSNBC.  He said:

“There’s a little bug inside of me which wants to get the FCC to say to Fox and to MSNBC, ‘Out. Off. End. Goodbye.’  It would be a big favor to political discourse; to our ability to do our work here in Congress, and to the American people….”  That’s what a United States Senator said.  Censorship:  a big FAVOR to the American people.

Two days after Senator Rockefeller dropped that bomb, Al Sharpton joined the fight for censorship.  Al Sharpton, on his radio show (where he has the right to free speech), said “the FCC needs to give guidelines of what is permittable or permitted” to say on radio, and the FCC should “set standards” to make sure “groups of Americans” cannot be offended.

And on Monday, on MSNBC (which, if Senator Rockefeller had his way would NOT exist – I simply exercise my American right not to watch it), Al Sharpton on “The Ed Show” [with Ed Schultz] talked about…ME…and how terrible it was I should still be on the air, and that it was unfortunate I was going to satellite radio where I can’t be REGULATED.

Then, Al Sharpton said this about Rush Limbaugh:

“I’m in Washington tomorrow….we’re going to the FCC.  We’re not going to let this go.  He [Rush Limbaugh] is not on uncensored satellite.  He’s on regulated radio.”

That’s a threat!

Do not kid yourselves.  My mother grew up in Fascist Italy and taught me all about it.  This is scary.  Satellite is uncensored.  Radio is regulated and, according to Al Sharpton, regulated means the FCC can censor someone because their opinions are offensive.

1. I’ve offended people throughout my career.  When I said:
2. Abortion that is not for the purpose of saving the life of the mother is killing a baby, some people were offended.
3. Interracial adoption (indeed, any adoption) is a blessing, some people were offended.
4. Interracial dating and marriage is fine, some people were offended.
5. Parents should not excommunicate their gay offspring, some people were offended.
6. Children are best served by a married mommy and daddy, some people were offended.
7. Women who “shack up” out of wedlock are “unpaid whores,” some people were offended.
8. Activist groups are largely tyrannical, destructive groups who cause people to be angry and to isolate themselves, some people were offended.
9. The feminist movement (especially the National Organization of “I Don’t Know What Kind of” Women) betrayed women’s nature, some people were offended.
10. Unmarried women should not “make babies,” intentionally robbing them of a daddy, some people were offended.
11. Getting drunk, going off with some guy, getting naked and getting it on is not date rape, some people were offended.
12. Wearing low-cut, tight, revealing sexy clothes and flaunting your sexuality to men, who respond approvingly is not harassment, some people were offended.
13. Feminist women who treat their husbands poorly and then complain when husbands stray or leave when it is largely their own doing, some people were offended.
14. Focus “studies” courses in colleges and universities are breeding grounds for intolerance, anger, and hate, some people were offended.
15. Children who are out of control due to medical and/or psychological conditions, age, or poor parenting should not be present at wedding ceremonies, some people were offended.

Apparently, I just can’t help but offend people! 

But these are my opinions. And this is America.  And we should all have the right to express our opinions or else this will cease being America as it was envisioned and created. 

Be afraid.  Be very afraid.