Live Life With Relish

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Recently, I received some very bad news about a friend.  A year ago, she was diagnosed with lung cancer.  She never smoked and was very physically active, religious, positive personality and never even used a curse word.

I called her every day as she went through surgery and chemo.

It looked like all was good.  But it wasn’t, and it isn’t.

This cancer is aggressive, and spread even in the soup of strong chemotherapy.  Now they’ve told her they cannot operate.  She will have radiation every day for seven weeks and then be on chemo daily for the rest of her life.

Then they told her what her life would be like:  the esophagus is probably going to be severely impacted, she’ll experience nausea, acne, and on and on.

She told me she was going to fight and win this and just tolerate whatever comes.

I’m going to be calling her every day again.
 
I left the conversation feeling deeply sick to my stomach.  I had to go do a buoy race in my sailboat.  I got to the boat later than usual, and felt bad doing something so frivolous when my friend may be dying.

We started the race, and not one of the seven of us onboard noticed the course we were supposed to take.  That meant we had no idea (in the midst of a dozen possible combinations) where we were going.  But it was a beautiful, cool night with a gentle breeze with some puffs to keep the boat going.

I didn’t care we didn’t know where we were going.  Usually, I would be pretty annoyed we were competing with that kind of stupid handicap.

It was something my friend had said:  “I think everybody should have a ‘bucket list,’” meaning we should live each day fully, assuming that is the only day we have left.

I was out on the ocean among friends, in the cool of the early evening, sailing along in the rolling ocean.  What a blessing.  I asked the crew to vote each time we rounded a buoy as to what the next one probably was.  We guessed wrong, and went from first place to last place as we went further out to sea toward a buoy we weren’t supposed to go around.  I said to the crew “It doesn’t matter….we know we were first, and now we’re having a beautiful sail out here almost alone, while getting in more practice.  All is good.”

My tactician, who was nervous that he would get in trouble for forgetting to note the course, had to be calmed down.  I told him “What does it really matter?  What matters is that we’re all having a great time and actually doing a great job.”  And even though I’m a “Type A” personality, I meant it.

I don’t think I’ve had a more satisfying finish to a buoy race….ever.

Life is for the living and should be lived with relish.  When people are fighting for their lives, it points out how precious life is, so no one should waste any of it.

And so many people do waste it by holding grudges, not letting go of past hurts, holding themselves back from happiness because of anger or fears, letting disappointments and frustrations consume them, using drugs, being drunk, sitting in front of a TV or computer screen playing games alone, and more.

I still feel sick to my gut that someone so kind and sweet is facing this cancer horror.  I am in awe of her attitude, and grateful for the reminder.

Here she is, facing sickness and pain every day, yet she says she wakes up every day grateful for another day.

We should not all wait for cancer in order to do the same thing.

A True Hero and a Real Man

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Keith McVey lives in Akron, Ohio.  He’s 53 years old and is a mailman.  Everyone in Akron knows him.  Recently, he saved the life of another person for the third time in his life. 

While delivering the mail, he noticed a panicked man trying to revive his unconscious friend at the back of a pickup.  “He said his buddy wasn’t breathing,” explained McVey.  “I thought, well, let’s see what’s going on.  Sometimes you just have to act.”

While trained in CPR,  McVey had never actually performed it before.  He began chest compressions for several minutes, waiting for both a pulse and the paramedics.  The unconscious man regained a pulse, the paramedics arrived, and what did McVey do?  Not go home; not go to the local TV station to become a star; not hang around for applause.

No….he picked up his mailbag and continued his deliveries. 

Why?

“…if I don’t finish up, they’d have to take all my mail back,” he explained.  “I didn’t want anybody to have to pick up my slack.”

I am not minimizing the CPR part at all – that was truly lifesaving.  I am maximizing the humble sense of responsibility that never left his mind.  He was going to finish his route, because it was his job and he didn’t want to burden or inconvenience someone else.  That is the truly heroic part for me.  No arrogance, no sense of entitlement, no grabbing at any opportunity to get out of work.

That’s a true hero….and a REAL man.

When Hate Shows Character

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On June 30, I posted a blog about “hating” evil.  I got the following response from one brave young woman, and I’m making her my guest blogger today:

Hi, Dr. Laura:

I am 27 years old and have been listening to you for as long as I can remember.  My mom turned you on in the car.  She was a stay-at-home mom, but we did way more than just stay at home.  I listen [to your radio program] via Streamlink, so I just heard your commentary on hate.  You have made me feel even more right in my choice to hate.

I have a brother-in-law who is a skinhead.  He is also a criminal - [having gone] in and out of jail over the years.  My sister brought this man into my life when I was 12 years old, so since then, my family has been battling him and his drunken fits and fights with my sister.  I grew up opinionated; I have convictions and they are strong, so naturally, we butted heads.  But for a long time, I would just get along with this monster for the sake of peace (as my mother taught me).

When I turned 18 and moved out, I saw that I could choose who was in my life.  And after an incident at my other sister’s home where I was given the “Heil Hitler” salute, I was done.  Done making peace.  I found that making peace with this man was to be okay with all the evil he brought into my family.  My mom suggested I just be careful of him as if he were a pit bull.  I thought “no,” and then was sad that my family would not take the stand I would.

So, any holiday or family get-together, I made it clear that I would not attend if he did.  And I missed out on a lot.  People were just too scared of what they might look like, or scared that my sister would say no one could see the children, or another excuse I find just as evil as him.  He didn’t do anything to me personally, so I can’t shun him.  I was very sad that my family had chosen to make peace with the devil rather than stand up to him.

My saving grace was my boyfriend’s family, whose home constantly was a place I could go, and they told me they thought I was doing what was right.

This year, I have been able to see my family on holidays – it took one last fight where my brother-in-law assaulted my dad and destroyed their property.  It is sad that that is what it took for my parents and oldest sister to decide that peace was not the way.  My sister is still married to him, but is now she who misses out on family events, because her husband is no longer welcome. 

I hope she sees his dangerous and destructive pattern and gets herself and her children out of there, but, sadly, I’m not holding my breath.

Thank you for all you do, and for making me realize that other people’s actions need not define my character.

Nancy

Grit + Determination = The Right Character

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If you think you can’t get out from under the problems and stresses of your life, then you have to pay attention to the email I got from one determined listener:

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

A Man With A Vision

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I want to tell you about an extraordinary man’s vision and commitment.  In this case, “vision” is figurative, because he is, quite literally, blind.

Urban Miyares is a Vietnam veteran.  At the end of a particularly horrendous firefight, he was mistakenly put into a body bag for dead.  Two days later, when the bags were opened to do identifications, a medic assistant noticed that he was not dead.  His injuries were severe, and he is now blind, but he didn’t miss a beat to stay involved in life.  He has started and operated many businesses and has always used his talents.  He didn’t “quit” on life.

Urban is the founder and director of Challenged America (www.challengedamerica.org), whose mission is to introduce sailing as a therapeutic and rehabilitative-enhancing activity to individuals with disabilities. That sounds very nice, but what put me “over the top” was his firm commitment to working only with people who are committed to being involved in work and life.  If they aren’t working or in work training, he won’t take them into the program.  He told me that the folks who just get disability and sit around are directed toward regular sailing schools.  He works hard with people who are equally committed to working hard.

That sounds more than nice.  It is brilliant.  Never be more committed to helping someone than they are committed to helping themselves!  When Urban made those pronouncements, I was all aboard with ferocious enthusiasm, as I share that philosophy and that’s why I chide so many parents and other family members for trying harder than the one they’re helping.  Continual rescues only serve to let the person they’re “helping” continue on his or her destructive path, and to assuage any feelings of guilt on the part of the helper by keeping the other afloat when that person is not even trying  to tread water.

I participated in a wonderful dinner (where I was the keynote speaker), silent auction, and regatta in support of Challenged America.   I was very proud to be part of all those events to benefit such a worthy operation.  Check them out at www.challengedamerica.org.

Don’t Be A Coward

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Recently, I had a caller to my radio program – a 22 year old woman – who complained to me that she was anguished over the homecoming of her mother from a vacation.  It seems life is quite terrible for this woman with “Mommy dearest” around. 

I asked her why, at 22 years old, she was still living with her mother when it was such a horrible experience.  Her answer was quick and to the point:  “I am a coward.”  I gently (yes, I can be gentle!) informed her that there is a price to everything, and the price for cowardice is anguish.  There’s no fix for that without moving past cowardice.

Life situations are largely out of our control, but the decisions we make and the steps we take for responsible action are in our control.  Cowardice (as my caller put it), however, is a major problem in a large number of people’s lives.  That’s why you hear people argue both sides of a situation when asked why they don’t speak up, take legal action, confront, and so on.  They’ll say: “Yeah, I know…,” and then cowardice takes over because they don’t want anyone mad, they don’t want to lose something (money, connection, etc.), and they don’t want to have the feeling of being alone.  Because of cowardice, they will tolerate abuse and put others (like children and spouses) in harm’s way.

The tell-tale signs of cowardice are the phrases “Yes, I know…,” and “But…,”  and “It’s not always so bad…,” and “But I’m not always so good either…,” and “Can’t they just go into therapy?,” and my favorite, “But what if….”

You get the picture.

Remember, ultimately, you are the architects of your own lives.  Cowardice wastes your precious time on earth.

Parachute Jump Teacher Saves Student from Sure Death

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I’m writing today about Dave Hartsock of Texas, and all the people who are like him.

Dave was the instructor.  His student, a woman, was a total newbie.  The day for the parachute jump was beautiful:  sunny, clear, warm.  Dave gave Shirley her briefing before they took off in the airplane to jump – in tandem (that means attached to each other), as he has done hundreds of times.  This day was different.  This day the parachute did not deploy properly and they were spinning to their certain deaths.

They did not die though, but Dave is now paralyzed.  When the chute didn’t open properly, he checked to see if he could fix it, and realized there was no fix, so they were in trouble.  After spinning toward the ground for what seemed forever, he accepted the gravity of the situation.

He told Shirley to tuck her feet in, and he twisted himself so that he would hit the ground first and cushion the fall for Shirley with his whole body.  He took the hit for her.

Why?  I watched a Fox News interview with him, and he said that when people jump with him, they trust him with their lives.  He has the obligation, he said…the obligation…to make sure they come out okay:  “I was going to be the one to take the shock to make her okay.  That was my first obligation.”

Whew.  What a man of character!  He is now permanently paralyzed.  He figured he would likely die in order to be the shock absorber for his student’s body, and he did it with calm and resolve.

This attitude is no different from the guys in combat in our military, our police, and our firefighters.  It takes a certain profound character to put one’s life on the line for strangers because of obligation willingly and voluntarily accepted.

We need more people like Dave.

I watched him in his wheelchair, still calm and accepting of his situation, and firm in his resolve. 

No anger…no resentment.  Just character.

The Courage of Our Public Servants

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A few weeks ago, the news replayed and replayed the hotel surveillance video tape of a scene out of Law and Order.  A woman was attacked by some creep, and a homeless man went to her rescue.  The creep ran away, the woman ran away, and the homeless man lay bleeding to death on the pavement, with at least a dozed people (caught on video) just walking by.  One man turned him over, examined him, and then walked away.  The homeless man died.  He died alone – ignored – and yet, he was a hero for rescuing the woman who was attacked.

I am unaware of any follow-up regarding this hero – who he was, his background, his circumstance.  There was probably little media interest in a homeless man.

Then, soon after, a Vietnam veteran alerted police to a suspicious car in New York City’s Times Square.  The policeman checked the car and recognized that it was likely a car bomb.  The dominoes fell appropriately, with the bomb squad alerted, and everyone evacuated from Times Square.

A Pakistani man who got American citizenship decided to kill as many American citizens as possible, because of his radical Muslim beliefs that infidels need eradication.  Nice family guy, I’m sure.

He failed in his attempt to mass murder American citizens, because a military vet used his training well (many years after the fact), and a policeman did his duty.

This story had a happier ending than the first one, because of the training and commitment of those who serve us.