Stupid Is As Stupid Does

 Email This Post

“Stupid is as stupid does.”  Those are sage words from the fictional Forrest Gump.

And stupid does some interesting things in America.  Here are two great recent examples of stupidity:

Before I tell you the first story, I want to preface it with a memory from my middle school years.  We Long Island neighborhood children took the bus to school.  I walked two blocks to the bus stop.  In the winter, it was freezing, but fortunately, one of the kids I went to school with lived in that corner house right where the bus picked us up.  The mom would leave the garage door open (the cars were already gone) so we could all huddle out of the wind and chill until the bus came.  It was very kind of her.

Now, to today’s story:  A mom in Michigan allows the kids from three families to hang out before school at her house for about 1 hour before the school bus comes.  She’s not getting paid, although I sure hope she’s getting appreciation from the families who have to go to work before they can get their kids off to school. 

Believe it or not, she receives a letter from the Michigan Department of Human Services warning her that if she continues, she’d be violating a law aimed at the operation of unlicensed day-care centers.  She’s not getting paid!!  And she’s doing the neighbors a favor!!

This law says no one may care for unrelated children in their home for more than four weeks each calendar year unless they are licensed day-care providers.  The Department of Human Services warned her without even finding out the facts.  This is stupid.  Never mind that these kids, if left by themselves for an hour without adult supervision could be food for predators.  It seems also that this stupid stretch would preclude regular baby-sitting when parents go out to dinner and the movies.

There is good news here, though.  After the news media got hold of this story (and embarrassed the heck out of the state of Michigan), Governor Jennifer Granholm instructed the agency’s director to work with the state legislature to change the law. 

Since when is simply being a good neighbor a criminal activity?  Some neighbor (and we’ve all had this kind of neighbor) made a complaint, and started this non-common sense ball rolling.

The second stupid story is from Saratoga Springs.  Adam Marino, a 12 year old in seventh grade, and his mother are defying Saratoga Springs school policy by biking to Maple Avenue Middle School.  The school has a rule that kids can’t walk or ride a bike to school.  Adam’s mom and other parents want their kids to be less sedentary and to get exercise by walking or riding to school as a fitness activity. 

After Adam’s mom thought she had an understanding with the school board on this issue, she rode a bike with her kid to school, only to be met by a state trooper and school administrators.  You’d think she had been beating her kid or helping him play hooky.  Sheesh!

In reaction to this, other parents joined them in riding and walking their kids to school.  Once again, this got the attention of the news media, and the Board of Education is going to vote to amend this policy this week.

These arbitrary rules are just stupid, and frankly, ignoring the bigger picture of neighborhood safety and exercise for children.  Fortunately, however, thanks to the media spotlight, it’s all going to change.

Say “No” to Day Orphanages

 Email This Post

I’ve railed against day care for children for years, calling those centers “day orphanages,” which brings out the claws from those who disagree with me. I got an email recently from a child care worker who makes the case quite eloquently for raising your own kids and not leaving them in the hands of others.

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

Babies Need Love, Not Day Care

 Email This Post

This letter is from a listener who wishes to remain anonymous:

Dr. Laura:
I totally agree with you about how bad day care is, and how damaging it is for children.  Recently, I saw a mother who had just picked up her 18-month-old daughter from day care at 6 o’clock!  That’s basically what time my kids go to bed!   The baby was crying, grabbing at the mother’s skirt, and refusing to let go.  The mother was getting annoyed, and kept saying, “Why are you acting like this?  What’s wrong?”

I felt so upset.  What a dumb question!  You neglected your baby for the entire day, she missed you, and is exhausted and stressed, and you’re surprised that she’s acting that way?

I would think that a mother who has her child in day care the entire day would be the one crying and showering love and attention on her baby instead of getting mad at her.  The baby should be mad at the parent, not the other way around.

And then, because parents don’t see their baby all day, they put them to bed too late, which makes them more stressed and makes it even harder for them to cope with their emotions in day care.  When we, as parents, are tired, it’s hard not to be fussy.  Well, imagine what it’s like for a baby!  It’s MUCH harder for them to handle being tired.  Parents need to do what’s best for their children, not what’s best for themselves, and if they don’t want to, or if they think their children shouldn’t stand in the way of their doing what they want, then don’t have them!

Why bring children into the world to give them to others to raise? Why bring children into the world if you are giving them the message that your job and your life are more important than them?  For those that say “Well, I’m just not the type to be home with my kids,” or “I can’t handle being with kids,” then don’t have them!

I know of far too many babies that get attached to their nannies, and spend more time with them than with their own parents.  These babies wonder why their “parent” (that is, the nanny) is leaving them for the night.  Not only do they not have their real parents during most of the day, but then they don’t have their “nanny parent” either.

Sometimes, people say “I want my kids to have the best - the best car, the best house, the best toys.”  Believe me, things are not what makes a baby happy.  Love and attention and kindness are what makes them happy.

How sad. 

And then people wonder why children are so troubled, and why they “act out,”and why they would do anything for attention.  If a mother MUST work to feed her family, I understand, but the attitude shouldn’t be that day care is the first choice.  The attitude needs to be “how sad that she cannot care for her baby.”

I think it’s nuts that people think it’s sad that my baby is home with me.  She is definitely happier than all the crying babies in the playground, but all the working mothers will  never know that their babies are crying, falling, or are just plain exhausted.

Day Care Bites the Dust

 Email This Post

I know I have made myself quite a controversial subject by my insistence that children be loved, cared for and raised by their mommies and daddies instead of hired help and institutionalized child care. As I have said many times, children evolve each and every day…and those minutes need to be influenced by and experienced with the people who matter the most. This is why I am thrilled about the one-sided effect of the current economic problems in America.

According to a recent report in USA Today, parents nationwide are telling day care providers that “they must scale back or abandon their services. Instead, they keep kids at home with grandparents or up-end their work-life balance because gas and food prices have become prohibitive and average child care costs outpace rent and mortgage payments - even for those drawing salaries.”

Of course, the day care industry is scurrying around trying to come up with a plan to save itself. Many are offering all kinds of hours and financial deals. The USA Today article, after noting that the 2005 U.S. Census Bureau data (the most recent available) indicated that 2.65 million preschoolers attended day care, and that current statistics of un-enrollment were not available, called the situation “distressing.”

Sure it’s distressing for an industry that has been so effective in its marketing, that parents who actually raise their own children are made to feel guilty for doing so. But it is not distressing for the children, who will now be in the arms of people who love them and are there to teach, nurture, support, and experience life with them.

Sure it’s distressing for parents who have to reconsider and reconfigure their lives to accommodate raising their children. But, they will find surprising rewards in the true experience of family.

The hysteria from the child care industry has included dire warnings that parents will leave their kids home alone, in cars, or with strangers who might hurt them. That sort of child neglect and endangerment goes on in spite of filled-up day care establishments and should be dealt with through social services (to help families make better adjustments in their priorities) or through the legal system (where children are removed to live with safer relatives or foster care).

If it is true that every cloud has a silver lining, then the “shine” is there for many children of parents who can no longer pay the $3,000 to over $10,000 a year for day care, because mommy or daddy is coming home to you.

Another “Reformed” Day Care Mom

 Email This Post

As long as you keep sending me stories like these, I’ll continue to post them on this blog.  Today’s email came from Lori:

This is long overdue.  I started listening to your program 20 years ago, when I was in my twenties, newly married, and focused on my career.  I was in the middle of a graduate program that I had worked very hard to get into, when I got pregnant with my son.  I always thought your ideas that a parent should stay home with their child were ridiculous - I thought it was a crazy, backward notion.  That is what day care was for!!

Then I had my son. 

He was six weeks old when I left him with a day care provider to continue my graduate program.  That was also the last time he was with a day care provider.  I physically and mentally could not stand to think that someone else was spending the day and providing for my son - something I should be doing and wanted to do.  After all, who could do it better?  My husband felt the same, so I quit graduate school and all my career plans went out the door so I could stay with my son full time.  While at first it wasn’t easy, I can say without a doubt what a great decision that was!

When my son and I went to the park or took a walk, I arranged it so I could listen to your radio program at the same time.  While I was sure about my decision, I had VERY LITTLE support from many others.  I got many comments or “put-downs” about what a waste of my life this was.  I felt like you were one of the few who supported me.  You were my advocate, and when I would feel especially down and question my decision, I would listen to you and it would lift me up, and I knew I was right.

So, a belated thank you for what you gave me, my wonderfully supportive husband, and my son - who is now a smart, kind, funny, well-adjusted 16 year old.  Keep speaking up for us stay-at-home moms.  I can look back at that time of my life and say I absolutely have no regrets.

Can’t Beat This Argument for Moms-At-Home

 Email This Post

From a listener to my radio program:

Dr. Laura, I want to thank you for the special moments that you helped me have.  As a listener, my husband and I decided that I would stay home with our 2 month old baby boy even before he was born.  I must admit that it’s hard financially, but we understand that our son is more important than luxury.

Yesterday, I had a “tear-jerker” moment.  After feeding my son, I got up and started to clean the room.  After a while, I saw him moving.  He was putting his little hand above his head, feeling for the place where my arm had just been.  Then he stretched his arms and legs in front of him where I had been lying before.  I realized he was looking for me.  His little face began to prepare to cry.  I then placed my hand on his side.  “I’m right here, baby.”  He then opened his eyes.  On seeing me, he smiled his gummy smile. 

I stayed there, smoothing out his hair, until he fell back to sleep, but I couldn’t help thinking, what if I had been at work?  What if he was with a sitter or at day care?  I wouldn’t have had that moment, and he wouldn’t have been comforted. I know, because I used to work at a day care center - he would have been left crying, because he had been fed and his diaper had been changed.

As an ex-day care worker, I know that children are not cared for lovingly.  They just have their physical needs met, but not their emotional needs. There were so many kids who called me “mommy,” and that was only because I was doing her job while doing mine.  The fact was, “mommy” wasn’t there.  But I was and am here for our son.  Thank you.

I Kinda, Sorta Agree With One of My Critics

 Email This Post

I recently wrote a column for a publication in which I reiterated my position on day-care, and one of my comments was: “Tearing children away from their homes and families [for day care] is somewhere between sinister and cruel.” A reader of the column wrote a letter-to-the-editor taking exception to my comment and countering with:  “…there are many benefits to day care, including health screenings, nutritious meals, socialization and active play away from the TV.”

Could not agree with her more!  Where mothers and fathers can’t or won’t provide their children with food, medical care, friends in the park, and attention and play, being shunted over to an institutionalized setting may definitely be a godsend!

I’m still waiting, however, for the proof that children do better or equal in day-care than with a loving, attentive, involved mommy or daddy.

Why Day Care Kids Don’t Play Outside

 Email This Post

More than half of American children between the ages of 3 and 6 are in child care centers or preschools, so the Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center recently released the results of a study of children’s physical activity in day care settings. (NY Times, 5/6/08)

The researchers surveyed staff members at 34 area child care centers to find out more about how kids spend their time while they’re in day care, including the reasons why they may or may not spend time outside. They presented the findings recently at the annual meeting of the Pediatric Academic Societies in Honolulu, Hawaii.  The findings may surprise you.

Children are kept inside by day care workers if they show up in flip-flops rather than sneakers, or if they don’t have a coat on a chilly day.  If only one child doesn’t have the right clothes for outdoor play, the whole group may be kept indoors.  Occasionally, parents will deliberately drop off a child without a coat, because they don’t want the child going outside that day.

Mulch is often used to landscape playgrounds and outdoor spaces at child care centers.  The researchers found that kids eat the mulch, get it caught in their shoes or use it as weapons, so day care staff indicated that outdoor play can sometimes be troublesome.

Also the feelings of teachers and parents influence whether or not children play outside.  Children learn important motor and social skills by learning to kick a ball or negotiating with another child for a turn on the swing, but teachers said they felt pressure from some parents who were more concerned with children spending time on academic skills.

In addition, some day care workers said it was just too much trouble and took too much time to bundle up the kids during cold weather, while other workers said they just didn’t like going outside.

What more can be said about institutionalized day orphanages?