Burnout Prevention

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A caller with a seemingly simple question has been haunting my mind since Monday.  The caller was a stay-at-home mom with four children under the age of six.  I thought I was heroic chasing after one child who never napped.  I can’t imagine four little tykes going in different directions, all with different personalities and needs.  Wow.

After asking some sneaky questions, I discerned that she was - in two words - BURNED OUT.  It’s difficult to get around the understandable embarrassment or shame that a mother has for even thinking that she wished she were on another planet away from the children for a while.  But this is a totally understandable and normal reaction to a lovely, but draining, situation.

When a woman is at a job, she can take a number of bathroom breaks, coffee breaks, and a lunch break which may even include shopping (a great tension releaser!).  When taking care of a number of children whose needs are relentless and inconsistent, it’s easy to see how one brain and heart can be overwhelmed if the kids don’t nap - mine never did, and I remember feeling mentally exhausted.

Mothers do, but shouldn’t, feel guilt at not always being thrilled out of their ears to be taking care of their children.  My first argument is that there is no one with any career or activity who doesn’t regularly feel the same way.  Human beings need breaks - changes of scenery and input - and activities that help let off steam and revive one’s sense of joy in life.  That’s why in my book, In Praise of Stay-At-Home Moms, I’ve written about the necessity of taking guilt-free breaks - and taking them before you break!

First, to the husbands:  Make sure you command and demand that your beloved wife and mother of your progeny go out with her girlfriends, go have a one-hour bath with bubbles and wine, or go ride her bike with a bike club for a morning - something so that she can feel revived and relaxed.  Plan it for her if she’s stubborn (the stubbornness usually comes from feeling guilty).  Tell her that a GOOD mother takes care of herself so that the “giving” flows more readily.

Second, to you mothers:  Grandma is useful for a break while you do nothing or something that relaxes you.  I told this caller to get one of those carriers that attaches to a bicycle, and get a child bike seat affixed behind her bike seat - that takes care of three kids right there, and one is in kindergarten.  Take ‘em all on a bike ride to picnic or relax in a park - that’s only one of the things I did with my child.  Turn on an exercise video and dance along with the music to get a workout - the kids will join in, or play next to you with their toys. 

My message is:  no guilt.  Any profession has tools that must be taken care of to keep working properly:  a computer, a saw and hammer…whatever.  For us mothers, the tool is ourselves.  So, no guilt.  Take it as a responsibility to keep yourself loose and refreshed.

My final message is that being home with your children opens up many opportunities if you think out of the perimeter of your property.  It isn’t supposed to be a “work farm.”  It’s supposed to be a joyous home.  Oh, and here’s why that caller stuck in my mind:  I heard a depth of sadness in her voice that seriously worried me, and I realized that many of you moms try so hard that you forget to take care of yourselves.  In doing so, you lose contact with your mission in the first place.  When that happens, your children miss you.

So, ladies, turn on that music and dance and sing around the house and enjoy!

Disgusted with Octuplet Mom

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I am writing this blog on Nadya Suleman, octuplet mom, under duress.  I was told that a significant number of you wished for my point of view or comments on this occurrence.  My answer was, “Do I really have to comment on the obvious?” 

I am disgusted with this woman for being educated in child developmental psychology and still intentionally robbing children of a dad (she had in-vitro fertilization with embryos from sperm donor) and the opportunity to get the kind of attention one out of fourteen children clearly won’t get.

I’m disgusted with the clinic and physicians who, knowing she already had six children and no husband or reasonable means of support (except for workman’s comp lawsuits), and frankly, must be somewhat emotionally troubled, still impregnated her with multiple embryos — more than the recommended number for a woman under the age of 35.

I’m disgusted with the media for making a big deal about these freak situations without proper judgment and criticism and for starting programs for “freebee” bailouts with charitable support.

I’m disgusted with Child Protective Services which I don’t think has even considered taking these children away from this self-avowed baby-mill and placing them up for adoption into two-parent households, with a married mom and dad.

Every Mother’s Day my psyche is assaulted with front page stories coast-to-coast about unwed mothers’ joy and glee and Mother-of-the-Year Awards to celebrity moms who clearly put their careers before their children (bless those who are “nannied!”).

So - this blog is in honor of and directed to the women who do it right: get married to good man who can support a family; wait until they’re settled and have the emotional where-with-all to sacrifice in order to receive the huge rewards of mothering their own children.

I’m sorry the media doesn’t care about you…but your husband, your children, Dr. Laura, and a society grateful for the wonderful human beings you raise do care about you.

Begging to Come Home

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I got an email from a parent concerned about her college-age son who wants to leave school and come home.  I “heard” something in the way the parent wrote about her son’s comments, and hope that all parents will pay close attention to what their kids say to them when they’re struggling.

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura

Baby Boomer Women Are Committing Suicide..Why?

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I was at first stunned - then not - to read that research from Johns Hopkins School of Public Health points toward white, middle aged women as being particularly prone to depression leading to suicides.  I’m a middle aged, white, female baby-boomer, so this caught my attention, especially since the researchers seemed clueless as to what would be behind this spike.

Having talked to women for over thirty years on the radio, I think I know.  We middle-aged, white females from the sixties were sold a bill of goods by the originally well-meaning women’s movement.  The bits about equal pay for equal experience and competence were kind of a no-brainer.  The bits about men, marriage, sex, babies, and home-making being negatives in our lives - because, of course, they were oppressive and demeaning - also seemed obvious at the time.  So, with the introduction of consciousness raising (that is, learning to mistrust, not need, and even loathe men) and women’s studies programs (which conceived of elevating women by making them perpetually angry victims), we were on our way to a collision course to today: depression and suicide.

Women who dared to buck the feminista trend and actually marry and make babies, kept close to the sisterhood by not being very sexual, loving, or sensitive to their husbands - or just kept them as shack-up studs - and put their babies in day-care.  They did all of that so they could work at their careers full-time and have financial power.  The thinking was, what if “he” took off with some bimbo or died on them?  Money is power and safety!  They also did all of that so they could feel like “somebody.”  I still have women tell me today that they only allow themselves to feel good when they have a successful career; the loving appreciation of a husband and children are swept aside like so much emotional dandruff.
 
These white, middle-aged, female baby-boomers starved themselves of the fulfilling emotional meal of actually being a hands-on mom in addition to being their husband’s girlfriend.  Many of them are now divorced, and their adult children hardly spend time any time with them.  The kids learned how to spend time without Mom because she was so “busy, busy, busy” while they were growing up.

I’m not surprised that so many of these women are depressed and suicidal.  Feministas lied to them that they could and would “have it all:” they only had to sacrifice the loveliest parts of their womanhood.

I’m not among them, because I caught myself entering that depressive state.  I’ve been there…done that.  Saved by a marriage and a child!

Depressed People Assisted in Suicides

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Researchers at the Oregon Health and Science University (OHSU) conducted a study published in the British Medical Journal that shows 26% of terminally ill patients in Oregon (with laws supporting doctor-assisted suicide) who requested a lethal cocktail were diagnosed as suffering depression, which is technically a treatable mental illness.

Wesley Smith, a leading euthanasia opponent, says that the “assisted suicide law’s guidelines are merely for show and do not protect the vulnerable or depressed people in Oregon. He adds that the proposed guidelines appearing on Washington’s ballot in November do not require a person’s depression to be treated before a lethal cocktail is issued.”

Rita Marker of the International Task Force on Euthanasia and Assisted Suicide says, “Let’s face the economic facts and force of economic gravity. If someone is depressed and they happen to be terminally ill too, it’s a lot cheaper to write a prescription for a deadly overdose of drugs than for medication to treat the depression, possible counseling to treat depression, and also medication to delay the death.”

No physician should agree to terminate someone’s life, even on their say-so, when they are suffering from a depression. If they were treated for that depression, a significant number would probably wish to squeeze out of their lives every precious moment with their loved ones that was possible. At least we ought to give them that opportunity.