The Underlying Cause of Bullying

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Massachusetts’ new state law requires schools to institute an anti-bullying curriculum, investigate acts of bullying, and report the most serious cases to law enforcement officers.  The new law, passed in April, was in response to the suicide of a 15 year old girl who was bullied by a group of South Hadley, Massachusetts students.

We all remember bullying situations from our school years, but those were up close and personal, as opposed to being on the Internet, where public humiliation is the game, and anonymity is the cloak of protection for this disgusting behavior.  Cruelty gets protected by abusing the spirit of the First Amendment, as parents and the ACLU fight to protect the evildoers.

In a 1995 Canadian study, researchers used video cameras in a school playground and observed almost five bullying incident an hour!  Typically, other children stood by and watched, but did or said nothing to help.

Some psychologist-types are busy making up the expensive curriculum to sell to schools for programs to stop bullying.  I guess there’s always someone around who just wants to make a buck.

My take is that schools are afraid to discipline bullying children, because parents (who are negligent in their responsibilities to their children and society) will SUE instead of smacking their kid on the tush and putting him or her to bed without supper and grounding them until they’re ready for social security.

In my day, if you misbehaved at school, you were sent to the dreaded Vice Principal’s office.  Punishment would include a severe talking to, extra assignments, time after school, and/or a refusal to allow you to participate in school activities.  And guess what?  No parent ever complained about protecting their “baby.”  The kids would expect to get even more punishment at home.

Today?  Parents are not married…divorced…remarried…fighting with exes…shacking up with new honeys…involved in dual-career marriages…focused on porn, drugs, the Internet, shopping…whatever.
Intact families with two parents whose emphasis is family and children are getting more and more rare.  Kids see the constant squabbling on TV news, between their parents, in the neighborhood, on radio, on the Internet, where meanness reigns (does anyone post kind things any more?), and on and on.

Where, exactly, are children supposed to learn to be nice?
They don’t see nice at home, in the media, or in the world at large.
Where, then, are children supposed to learn to be nice?

Policing is the last resort in a society where there is no framework for teaching and reinforcing decent behavior.  Activist groups by nature are angry and divisive, and that trickles down to neighborhoods and schoolyards as children, fighting for attention and importance (because they’re not getting it at home), group up and torment other children without remorse and without fear of consequences.

Our children have become arrogant because they are largely on their own without parental leadership, guidance, and attention.

The adults have abandoned their responsibilities to the next generations because of their determination to sacrifice nothing and fulfill every desire in spite of their obligations.

I hear this every day on my radio program, and it makes me sad.

The epitome of bullying is the homegrown American terrorist group…which is growing.

Our country, just like our homes, is fragmented by anger.  The price is our children are modeling the book “Lord of the Flies.”

Divorce, Recession-Style

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A number of news sources recently reported that (sniff, sniff) people just can’t afford to get divorced anymore, what with mortgages upside down, and diminished family income.

Furthermore (more sniffs), in most cases, the couples have to stay together under the same roof just to make ends meet.  No longer can divorced spouses count on maintaining a lifestyle.  No longer are kids summarily thrown into visitation chaos and feelings of abandonment….and that, obviously, is a good thing.

One of the sadder aspects of my three decades plus on radio talking to people in some sort of crisis is the growing realization that many people see adversity as a motivation to turn on each other, rather than to turn to each other.  I understand husbands who feel depressed when they can’t adequately support their families, and I understand wives who feel desperate because they worry for the well-being of their home and children.  But I don’t understand turning away from each other at a time when both need support and hope.  Each spouse needs to (as Archie Bunker often said on “All In The Family”) “stifle themselves” and try to buoy up the other’s state of mind.

In trying to make the other person still feel valued, competent and loved; in telling your spouse that you know that, ultimately, you can count on him/her; in letting your once “dearly beloved” feel your support, makes not only them feel better, it makes YOU feel better.

I’m sure everyone reading this has some sort of strain or stress in their marriage.  Generally, it’s something that can be overcome if you both pull together and put aside your individual resentments and fears long enough to follow through on your marital vows to love, honor and cherish.

Family Traditions After Divorce

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When her in-laws decided to divorce after 30 years of marriage, one listener wondered how to handle family traditions and holidays after so many years of being together in the past…

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

Dad’s Different in the New Marriage

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I always talk about how divorce adversely affects children, but this week, I got a letter from a 13 year old who tells you herself how her Dad’s new marriage has impacted her.

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

Divorced, But We Get Along

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As you’ve heard on my radio program, sometimes when people get divorced, they can’t stand to be in the same room with each other.  This week, I got a question with a slightly different twist:  should divorced parents (who aren’t constantly in “battle mode”) get together occasionally for family dinners?

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

Chaos Theory

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Even though this is a quirky piece of news from Foxnews.com, I think it has a message about our society.  An 11 year old Pennsylvania boy has been charged with killing his father’s pregnant fiancé.  He was in a county jail, but then was sent back to a juvenile facility.  The judge ruled that it was in the boy’s best interest to be in a juvenile center, even though he has been charged as an adult.  He’s accused of shooting 26-year-old Kenzie Marie Houk in the head, killing her and her unborn baby boy.  Houk’s mother said this boy had been threatening his dad’s fiancé for a while.
     
Now, what makes it quirky–he’s 11 years old, it’s his dad’s knocked-up girlfriend…you know, it’s got all of the salacious parts in it–that he shot her in the head (she’s pregnant…you know, it’s really dramatic).  But it also points out something very important.  Now, it is not usual for kids to murder the new love in one of their parent’s lives when there is a divorce.  That’s very unusual; it doesn’t happen every day, especially with a kid this young.
       
But what does happen to kids when parents divorce or go off with other people, have more kids, shack up,  maybe marry, maybe not, is that with all the chaos they start not doing well in school, they start experimenting with sex, drugs and alcohol.  They get in trouble with gangs, they get very depressed, and they get into accidents which are really attempts at suicide.
       
In other words, they act out in all kinds of ways, they show tremendous rage or turn completely inwards.  We get lots of calls from people annoyed about how their kids are behaving after they’re divorced and re-married and getting on with their lives.  “Why aren’t the kids just conforming?  Dammit.”
       
So this is a very unusual circumstance.  But his pain and motivation is out there every day as you take away the kid’s foundation, as you make him compete with other people’s kids, new kids…whatever.  And my guess?  You’re going to see more murders, or attempted murders from kids in these situations.  Why?  Because this goes all over the media and gives kids ideas.  They go on the internet, they get ideas, and their little brains that are totally unformed yet…little ideas that are bad sound good when other people have done it.  And they get in the paper and they get on the internet and they get on television.  I suspect you’ll see more of this.  Up to now, you’ve mostly seen just self abuse.  Self abuse, meaning everything as simple as not washing, not having friends anymore, not working hard in school…to self-mutilation, to addictions, to promiscuity, to illegal activities.  This is a big notch up, don’t you think?  Especially when it all comes from the same place: chaos.

Put Your Kids First, Madonna, Not Yourself

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Everybody wants to know what I think about Madonna’s public comments during her  very public and rancorous divorce.  I think they pretty much match her general public image, demeanor, and behavior.  I have always found her incredibly objectionable, offensive and intentionally vulgar - all under the rubric of free-speech and free-spirit.

To start, I’m not convinced that most current celebrity marriages are indeed commitments of mind, body, and soul as they are intended to be (think Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward).  For the most part, very ‘out there’ performers are exceedingly centered on themselves and want someone to adore them, serve them, be a reflection of their perceived wonderfulness or importance, fulfill a fantasy or simply put…the sex was great and the public relations aspect boosts their visibility.

When the so-called object of their affections becomes tiresome, more or less important or successful, demanding, and no longer reflects a narcissistic boost…they are dispensed with.

When a divorcing spouse makes public vulgar, insulting, and humiliating comments about the other spouse, children are devastated and tend to either compulsively go towards the attacked party to protect and defend them, or compulsively go towards the attacking parent so they won’t also be victimized by that parent.  Either way, children become emotionally fragmented, confused, and distrustful - and that will likely be an issue for their whole lives, especially when they are ready to establish relationships.

Celebrities with the usual chaos in their personal lives are the fodder of media sales and ratings.  Celebrities with quality relationships are ignored (Tom Selleck, for example).

These celebrity musical chair relationships are obviously not a great image for our impressionable youth.  Quite frankly, most divorces don’t need to happen at all.  Weathering lousy times is a sign of character and commitment.  Most of the time when folks call me all angry and convinced they need to divorce, they are simplifying the situation because they haven’t taken the responsibility needed to help maintain a quality comradeship.  I tell them short of abuse, addictions, and repetitive affairs, they should treat the one they want so much to leave as though they loved them with their last breath - for a month - and then watch and feel what happens.

If one parent decides to leave for selfish or foolish reasons, the truth of the situation can be spoken to the children without the nasty parts.  For example, “Your mother, sadly, has decided to leave to be with a man she met on the internet.  I’m hoping that she will find that she misses us all so much that she wants her life with us back.  Until then, let’s pray and stay as positive as possible.”

This approach states the truth, which I believe children in this situation need, but opens the possibility for hope.  Children will over time form their own conclusions when mama never calls, visits, or comes home.  That parent will have destroyed the relationship with their children all by themselves.

I try to remind folks considering leaving for less than important reasons to stick around and create the kind of homelife that will best send their children into their adulthood with optimism and an open heart.  I tell them that this is their moral obligation…to put themselves second.

More on Parental Irresponsibility

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Sue Shellenbarger writes a column for The Wall Street Journal that generally sends me up any available wall. The column is entitled “Home & Family,” and I keep up with it if only to counter its content.

She recently answered a reader’s question (4/30/08) that had to do with a divorced father wanting to take his 10 year old son to his native Australia for 10 days, but his ex-wife is fighting the plan. The father contends that life lessons of such a vacation trump school. He’s going to court for the right to take him, and asks Shellenbarger what she thinks.

First of all, there are laws which prohibit one parent from taking a child out of the country without the express permission of the other. The reason is obvious: child-stealing. Secondly, having divorced parents at war with each other over a child hurts the child as he or she feels divided loyalties and tremendous anxiety. Thirdly, taking a child out of school for a protracted trip teaches the child that education is less of a priority than personal desires for fun. This father could arrange a summer trip when no school is missed. My guess is that this is a major power play.

Shellenbarger not only doesn’t deal with any of these issues, but she focuses on the whim of the child: if he would be comfortable with the trip; if he would see it as an adventure….in other words, just considering what the kid wants. What?? Of course the kid wants to be out of school and hanging out with dingos and kangaroos!

“The ideal route would be for you and your ex-wife to set aside your personal feelings and focus on what he truly wants,” contributes a New Jersey Marriage and Family Therapist. “[It] depends on your son’s openness to the experience. Try to give him a free and honest choice, unfettered by feelings of loyalty to either of you or fear of letting you down.”

Is she kidding? How can a ten year old do that? And why put the burden on the child? Aren’t the parents supposed to want and do what is best for the child? This is more of the “if it feels good it is good” school of thought - an experiment whose failure doesn’t seem to curtail its perpetuation.