Standing Up for People, Values and Ideals

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An all-too-typical issue that comes up on my radio program is cowardice, because someone didn’t stand up for others, for values and/or for ideals.  The standard excuses range from not wanting to escalate a situation, being afraid of other people getting mad, fear of being marginalized or left out, being afraid of being “judged,” not “liking” confrontation, not wanting to lose the image as a nice person, and so on.

I disrespect the actions of not standing up for friends, fairness (even when a friend is not involved), and values.  Some of my callers are parents whose adult children are behaving recklessly, thoughtlessly, and in total opposition to how they were brought up.  Too many of these parents are more concerned with “peace at all costs” instead of continuing their parental leadership by clarifying their position and drawing the line.

I remember a long time ago, there was a talk show host coming on right after my program.  We were polar opposites in our political views, and she would use her three hours on the air to critique my program.  This, of course, annoyed the heck out of me, but I never spoke about it on the air - not even once - because I don’t use my air time to do anything but help people do and be better in their lives.

Fast forward several years later, and a feminist group went after her with venomous attacks, attempting to destroy her career.  Mind you, she was a feminist activist leader herself, but she dared to have her own opinion about something that went against the grain of the activist group’s position.  It turns out that I was the first person who called her the next morning - with a call of support.  It galled me that there was a concerted effort to unfairly destroy her career.  I just don’t like life’s unfair qualities, and I have generally stood up to them no matter what.

Fast forward again years later, and I was being unfairly attacked by a different activist group that she had once been part of.  She went into numerous public venues to defend and support me. 

We both took hits for doing these things, but we both turned out to like each other very much, and we both still maintained the bulk of our differing opinions.  We did, however, agree on one point of ethics, morals, and values:  you defend who or what is being attacked unfairly, and consequently, we both defended responsible free speech.

We both lost to the power of the activist groups, however, but we won each other’s respect and support, all while keeping the high ground.  We each went on growing in success and the respect of our peers as well. 

That’s one very personal experience for me.  I hope the next time you see rudeness or cruelty, you will stand up.

Racial comments coming from Don Imus are as ugly and unnecessary (except for ratings) as the joke about Sarah Palin’s daughter getting “knocked up” by a baseball player.  It isn’t the term “knocked up” that’s the issue - I use it all the time for out-of-wedlock pregnancies, because they usually end up with the child being aborted or growing up with the chaos of a life with one parent gone.  David Letterman wanted to shoot insults at Palin simply because she’s Republican, and he aimed his gun at her child.  That’s disgusting.  How many of you would stand for that happening to your child? 

Imus lost his job…temporarily…and Letterman’s ratings are higher.  And I’m left wondering if you’ll stand up for others (or values, morals, ethics and principles) when most others around you will turn their gaze away.

Why We Need Role Models

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Why the heck do we need role models?  Can’t everyone just think for him or herself and make decisions about right and wrong and choices of action without somebody on a philosophical runway modeling what they could or should be?

Possibly…but role models alert us to POSSIBILITIES, in addition to serving as INSPIRATION.

Angry rappers role model distrust, rage, anti-social notions and actions: killing, raping, hating.

Stupid “stars” role model self-indulgence and excess, self-importance: self self   self

Successful people who “pulled themselves up by their own bootstraps” role model perseverance, giving up a “victim mentality,” optimism and plain hard work.

Heroic types (military, police, firemen, and caring bystanders) who put themselves on the line of life and death role model taking care of others.
 
and so it goes.

These days, however, good role models are few and far between.  Pastor Bill Shuler, of Capital Life Church in Arlington Virginia, pointed the way in his recent essay: 10 Reasons Why we Are Losing Good Role Models.

What follows is my paraphrasing of his list:

1.  Honorable people are attacked for taking a stand for morality and values

The favorite attack here usually takes the form of being called either a “hater” or a “hypocrite.” If a person disagrees with you, you can say that they simply hate you or your stand, or that they once (usually decades ago) behaved contrary to their own words so therefore, they have no moral ground on which to defend their position.  I don’t have to explain how ugly, stupid, and dangerous those approaches are to the well being of a civilized society.

 2.  High profile scandals in sports politics and religion have caused us to become jaded.

Yup - it’s hard to believe that a moral high ground even exists if the people you looked up to don’t respect what they have and the responsibility it gives them.

3.  Fewer dads are present in the home.

 Soon, most children won’t come from intact homes where they see a dad providing and protecting and teaching them how to be decent men and women.

 4.  Success has been defined as fame, fortune, and power.

 We used to have the word “infamous” to describe people well known for skuzzy behaviors…now it’s all just “famous.”  “Octo-mom” Nadya Suleman now has a television show because she’s famous for showing incredible insensitivity and irresponsibility in having 16 children with no dad or intact married family.    If someone is rich (no matter how they got there), they have admirers.

 5.  Image often supersedes character.

  Bad boys and bad girls reign supreme in our media-drenched culture.  The more stupid and horrid their behavior, the more important they are to the media.

 6.  Indulgence replaces sacrifice.

 Just think daycare.

7. The practice of self-discipline is losing ground.

 If you “feel it” you have license to “do it” is today’s mantra.  Consideration of consequences to others, as well as one’s own future, became secondary.

 8. Seeking of “self,” on the other hand, is an over-practiced art.”

If I hear one more person excuse stupid, cruel, or self-indulgent behavior on the basis of “low self-esteem” or “I guess I have to learn to love MYSELF,” I think I’ll scream.
 

9.  Family values have become a political issue rather than an ideal to be embraced.

The responsibility and obligation to spouse and children outweighs feelings and urges, which are temporary and often foolhardy.

10.  Good people with deep convictions remain silent when they should speak up.

  I have said it quite differently:  way too often, good people are “wusses;” they are afraid to stand up (not without good reason…see #1), because they want to be liked. I have gotten myself into all sorts of trouble by “standing up,” so I know what it takes.

“Being beautiful, uninhibited or rich has become a cheap substitute for courage, decency and selflessness,” writes the Pastor.  And he is so very correct. That’s why I often ask people to project themselves 20 years into the future, and then look back on themselves at this very moment.  I ask them to tell me what they would need to do in order to be proud of themselves.  It’s funny how they always know what’s right when looked at from that perspective.

Octuplet Mom Takes Visa and Master Card

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It pains me to state the obvious.  I hate to remind people to ignore the unimportant.  I often find myself asking, why do people obsess about idiots who are doing the wrong thing?  But unfortunately the idiots seem not only to stick around, but the stupider they get, the more the media wants to talk about them.
 
And then they do something really dumb and I get really ticked off.
 
The octuplet lady… Let’s call her Ms. Mommy, because there is no Mr. Mommy in sight… is back in the news because, while she insists that she won’t take government money to help support her self-centered decision to have her own private herd of toddlers, she will take Mastercard and Visa — from YOU!
 
Yes — this mommy of 14 has launched a website soliciting donations to help her feed, diaper and toilet train these beautiful little gifts from God who, in reality, are now legally the chattel of the most narcissistic mother alive.  So, if you want to make sure they get their Gerber’s, you better pull out your wallet because begging for help from strangers appears to be this woman’s new career path.
 
Now, it would be nice if I could at least say that Ms. Mommy learned HTML programming so she could make her own website.  Then, at least, she would have a skill that she could use (at home) and make some legitimate coin while the kidlets are sleeping.  But no, Ms Mommy’s got some Hollywood public relations firm to design and put up the site, complete with links to PayPal in order to slurp your money faster. 
 
So is the money raised for the kidlets going to pay the PR firm for their web design?  Well, FoxNews says “The website was created by the Killeen Furtney Group, a Los Angeles-based public relations and marketing firm retained by the mother following the birth of her six boys and two girls. Her publicist, Joann Killeen, declined to indicate how much had been donated thus far, but stressed that her firm designed the website for free.”
 
Pro bono?  More like Pro Promo.  Joann Killeen was a bit more honest and forthcoming just a week ago when she acted like the mommy of the moment resembled a cash cow.  The Los Angeles Daily News reported on February 3rd:  “Ms. Mommy retained Los Angeles publicists Michael Furtney and Joann Killeen on Friday and since then, the agents said they had fielded dozens of interview requests and offers for book, film and television deals. But Killeen said this morning that offers have not yet been reviewed. Some media reports speculated that Ms. Mommy might be paid as much as $2 million for an interview. Killeen said today she believes people will be ‘very impressed’ when Ms. Mommy begins relating her tale, ‘and we will work with our client to decide what’s the best vehicle for her to tell the story.’”
 
And all I keep thinking about is the 14 little children who desperately need a safe, secure home in order for them to achieve the American Dream while their mommy is whipping them around in her own personal nightmare. 
 
Is there any good news here?  Well, apparently the Bimbo Mommy has decided no more kids.  In her maybe paid for, maybe not interview on The Today Show, she told Ann Curry the octuplets were a sign from God that she should stop having children. And according to the Associated Press, “she also said she’ll support her family on student loans until she finishes her master’s degree in a year or two and finds a job.”
 
Well, I support her decision to NOT have any more kids and I’m just waiting for the website where I can donate money to have Ms. Mommy’s tubes tied.

Disgusted with Octuplet Mom

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I am writing this blog on Nadya Suleman, octuplet mom, under duress.  I was told that a significant number of you wished for my point of view or comments on this occurrence.  My answer was, “Do I really have to comment on the obvious?” 

I am disgusted with this woman for being educated in child developmental psychology and still intentionally robbing children of a dad (she had in-vitro fertilization with embryos from sperm donor) and the opportunity to get the kind of attention one out of fourteen children clearly won’t get.

I’m disgusted with the clinic and physicians who, knowing she already had six children and no husband or reasonable means of support (except for workman’s comp lawsuits), and frankly, must be somewhat emotionally troubled, still impregnated her with multiple embryos — more than the recommended number for a woman under the age of 35.

I’m disgusted with the media for making a big deal about these freak situations without proper judgment and criticism and for starting programs for “freebee” bailouts with charitable support.

I’m disgusted with Child Protective Services which I don’t think has even considered taking these children away from this self-avowed baby-mill and placing them up for adoption into two-parent households, with a married mom and dad.

Every Mother’s Day my psyche is assaulted with front page stories coast-to-coast about unwed mothers’ joy and glee and Mother-of-the-Year Awards to celebrity moms who clearly put their careers before their children (bless those who are “nannied!”).

So - this blog is in honor of and directed to the women who do it right: get married to good man who can support a family; wait until they’re settled and have the emotional where-with-all to sacrifice in order to receive the huge rewards of mothering their own children.

I’m sorry the media doesn’t care about you…but your husband, your children, Dr. Laura, and a society grateful for the wonderful human beings you raise do care about you.

Raising Children With Religion

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My parents came from different religions, and, as often happens in “mixed” marriages, I was raised with no strong religious affiliation. So when I get asked whether or not moral and ethical kids can be raised without religion, I have a response that is both professional and very personal:

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura

Business Ethics

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Recently, I read a huge, full-page ad from the “Business Ethics Leadership Alliance” (www.ethisphere.org) which said:

“Join us in supporting business ethics.  In these times of trouble, the demand is greater than ever to invest in, do business with, or work for a company you can trust.  Membership is open.  Does your company belong?

At its essence, BELA proactively empowers businesses to be “de facto” leaders in self-regulating against corporate fraud, corruption and greed.  The four core values for BELA members are: 

Legal Compliance - following both the letter and the spirit of the law to counter fraud, corruption, bribery and deceit.

Transparency - setting the cultural tone from the top by encouraging dialogue on ethical issues and disclosing information in a full, accurate and timely manner.

Conflict Identification - actively identifying and addressing potential conflicts of interest and appearances of impropriety.

Accountability - emphasizing quality, customer protection, environmental sustainability and integrity in the supply chain.”

Sounds great.  Some of the members:  General Electric, The Hartford, United Airlines, Dell, and Wal-Mart.

Frankly, you never know the value of this outside of the usual public relations goodwill until one of the companies turns on itself or is “outted” by BELA.  Until we see one of the companies brought to task and consequences meted out (public embarrassment would do), we cannot know that the members are signing up for anything more than looking good and impressing those anxious to believe.

Forgiveness

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People often struggle with the idea of forgiveness.  Should they forgive a transgression?  When or how do they do that?  I’ve come up with “The Four R’s of Forgiveness,” which are four conditions which should be met before you consider granting forgiveness to another person.

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Sperm Donors No Longer Anonymous in Britain

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In 2005, Britain changed the law protecting anonymous sperm donors and allowed children to learn the identity of donor fathers (which is bad news) and limited the number of women who can use sperm from one donor (which is good news).

In 1991, Britain registered some 500 sperm donors; since the change in the law, the numbers have dropped by 40%.  Obviously, the men were anonymously donating sperm for the financial compensation, and not for the purpose of fatherhood.  Once the anonymity factor was gone, motivation declined as these men likely felt threatened by potential future responsibilities to a child they had no intention of taking any responsibility for; either financially or emotionally.

Another concern about anonymity is the sanctity of the family.  I have always advised married, infertile folks who have called my program to keep their plans a complete secret.  I don’t believe it is in the best interest of children to have a sense that the wonderful man protecting, providing, and loving them is not their daddy.  Anything which interferes with that child/father bond should be avoided whenever possible.  And, I never thought the origin of the haploid DNA contribution was as significant as the ultimate parent/child relationship.

Britain capped the number of babies which can be created from one donor.  Sperm from one man can now be used to produce only 10 babies (in Holland the number is 25).  The United States does not cap sperm donations at all…and I think that is ridiculous.  You certainly don’t want anonymous sperm in one geographical location to be used to make scores of babies who are unaware of their genetic relationship.  The statistical probability of them meeting, falling in love, marrying (aw, I’m such a romantic) and then having children is not insignificant.  This is a factor that could lead to obvious medical problems for their offspring.