Your Words Have Changed My Marriage

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This is from Michelle:

Dear Dr. Laura:

A few weeks ago, you had a caller who was contemplating divorce, because her husband wasn’t being nice and, in turn, she wasn’t being nice to her young son.  During the call, the little boy started crying and to calm him, she picked him up and he immediately stopped.  You told her of the power of a mother’s arms, and you told her that if she would just treat her husband the same way, he would melt just as her son did.  I thought about it, but forgot to do anything, and then I listened to the program again this week.  It was like you were personally talking to me.

I have been married for 16 years to a wonderful man who has been the sole financial provider for all that time so I can be an at-home mom to our teenage son and daughter.  While I always thank him for making this possible, unfortunately, my attitude has been ‘well, while you were at work all day, I had to deal with very important things like toddler meltdowns to teenager meltdowns.’  But your words changed all that.

Last night, my husband arrived home after a business trip to find out we have some unexpected, high medical bills for our son (he has special needs so, while this has happened before, now is a particularly hard financial time).  Instead of me attacking my husband and telling him I had to consent to all the tests which resulted in the bill, I took your advice.  I held him in my arms and said:  ‘This must be so hard for you, when you work so hard and you plan all the finances for our family, to have something so big come up when you don’t expect it.  I really appreciate you supporting this family, and I feel our kids are so blessed to have you as their dad.’

Dr. Laura, he melted, just as you said he would.  We went on to have a lovely night, planning how we would pay for this bill and then talking about other things.  If I had not taken your advice, we both would have been angry and sulking and it would have lasted for days.  You reminded me that even though my sweet husband is a big, strong provider, he still needs compassion and comfort.  How blessed am I that I could provide that for him.

Your words have changed my life and my marriage, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Keep helping people do the right thing.

Timeless Lessons from A Classic Story

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I have watched film adaptations of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice in all its incarnations many, many times, and I recently watched the 2005 film version again. I love the film…no matter what criticisms may be about a portrayal or a performance. I clearly have a profound attraction to this work.

First and foremost, I love the utter regard the men had for women, which is evident from how they addressed them: “Miss…” (and their first names if they were single) or “Mrs….” (and their last names if they were married). Men bowed upon entering and leaving a woman’s presence, and women curtsied, even under unpleasant conditions. Flirting was ever-so-subtle: a look, a light “accidental” touch of a hand. A man romantically yearned for and tried to earn the affections of a woman. The sweetness of the regard for women in this era (particularly in upper and middle classes) was something to be admired, and something we now miss. There was a clear distinction between a “good” woman and an easy, loose woman or whore.

That distinction is gone today. Now, women put down good money for music that represents them as whores without pay. So many young men are casual about women and sex in general, and sex is a casual expectation almost always fulfilled.

Young women scoff at dignity and modesty as just stupid, prudish, sexist notions. They “shack up” with some dude without a marital commitment, yet expect the love and respect, fidelity and loyalty to exist without the spoken vows, only to be disappointed, hurt, and generally confused.

There was a recent film comedy, called “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past,” in which Matthew McConaughey (in a twist on Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol”) got to go back into his life to see all his old girlfriends. There was one scene in the television ad for the movie which showed a seemingly endless dining table filled with hundreds of girls. Obviously, this was meant to show how shallow and manipulative he had been. To me, it just showed how many stupid girls there were (and are), “putting out” in a situation where there was clearly no respect, regard, or intent.

Men used to have to ask a woman’s dad for permission to “court” her, even when the woman was an adult! Now, all he has to do is show her a bedroom, back seat of a car, or a motel room, and the date is sealed. When men had to explain and express their intentions, they had to take the whole activity of dating much more seriously, as there were personal and social consequences to misleading a young lady. That reputation would annihilate any chances he might have had of marrying a good woman. He’d have to move states or provinces away. Now? That kind of rakish reputation makes girls/women want to line up to get some from an infamous entity.

The women’s revolution did not raise any consciousness worth elevating. It mostly diminished a woman’s sense of herself as special, minimized her value in the minds of men, put sex on the level of animals, created a nanny/baby-sitter/institutionalized day care financial boom (as women gave up the blessing of nurturing their own children), increased the use of abortion as a birth-control technique when an accidental pregnancy occurred with a guy who did not want fatherhood, created perpetually unhappy, angry, nasty wives, and made it very difficult for “nice girls” to be respected and cherished.

The last scene in Pride and Prejudice between the two now-married lovers has them discussing what she wants to be called by him when he is not using her given name. He suggests one name, and she rejects it sweetly, because it is what her father calls her. She then asks him what he will call her when he is angry. He, not being able to envision that situation, talks to her about always letting her know how lovingly important his happiness in wrapped up in her…forever…and he kisses her gently about her face as he says “Mrs. Darcy” over and over again. He gave her his heart, his life, his vows, and his name. And, in that era, giving a woman your name was the ultimate public and private statement of his total commitment to her, which makes that scene so moving to most of us, and infuriating to feminists who see that scene only as ripping away the woman’s identity.

I always cry at the end of the movie.

I cry also for what women have given up in exchange for wanting to have it all and not be subordinate to a man. I don’t know…I kinda think being on a pedestal is not subordinate. But what do I know? I’m only a recovered feminist.

Should We Tell The Kids We Were Laid Off?

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It’s a common problem in more and more families:  pay cuts, reduced work hours, or even complete unemployment.  Should the kids know about job losses or not?

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

Families Need a No Wireless Zone

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“Technology is the Evil Empire, Bent On Destroying Family Intimacy!” That’s the headline I’d like to put on this post, but guns don’t shoot people - people shoot people - so technology is not destroying families. People are destroying their own families.

The technology I’m talking about is texting, video gaming, Facebook, email, Twitter, MySpace and more. Remember when the only complaint about lack of communication in families was when family members were all in separate rooms watching different television programs? Well, now, family members can all be in the same room, totally ignoring each other for the sake of fake friends and useless information, instead of for family conversations. Some family members even text each other from different parts of the same home, rather than walk the 15 feet, hug, and talk to each other.

I remember the not-so-recent TV ads that promoted a family eating dinner together. Now, if you showed an ad with a family at the dinner table, there’d have to be a sign nearby that said “No Wireless Zone.” I wonder what depth of interaction is being missed because one is getting superficial “quickies” from texting or emailing or Facebooking?  On the other hand, I already know that we’re less able to engage in reasoned, significant discourse and profound intimacies these days, because, from the age of 4 or 5, we’re geared toward the superficial, faceless exchange of comments on each other’s web pages.

Parents, you must get yourselves into gear and limit the amount of time per day donated to the wireless world outside of work. Otherwise, over time, there’ll be no need for lips and vocal cords and eye contact, and we’ll evolve into “thumbs only” beings who just peck away with a false sense of actually participating in the real world.

Unbelievable Feminista Hogwash About Quality Husbands

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A female professor from Oxford University in England, in an article published in the Journal of Population Economics, has decided that American and British men (who don’t mind lending a hand when it comes to housework), make the best husbands, while Australian men are the worst.  She’s also “decided” that Norway, Sweden, and Northern Ireland, where men “lend a hand in housework,” are egalitarian countries which produce better husbands.

I say:  unbelievable feminista hogwash!!  The professor’s definition of a good husband is ridiculous.  Men who are sexually faithful, who work hard to provide for and protect their families, who take care of the plumbing and the lawn are not good husbands, because they don’t do what used to be called “women’s work.”  This is just one more salvo in the war against masculinity, in which men are completely emasculated because they’re told that they’re neither good men nor good husbands unless they fold the laundry.

When women call me complaining about such things (usually women who are at home), I ask them if they drive their husband’s route in traffic every day, or if they deal with difficult bosses or co-workers, or if they aren’t able to take breaks whenever they choose or take care of all the car and house repair issues.  They say “no,” but expect him to do housework in addition to all his other responsibilities.

In those situations where both husband and wife have full-time jobs, and there’s a “war” about who’s going to take care of household chores, I say they should budget and pay for part-time housecleaning help, or one of them ought to reassess their life and decide if having no one at home to make a nest is worth the money they both make.

There are biological and psychological imperatives in females for nesting/child care, and in males for conquering/protecting.  When these are turned inside out, there is usually (but not always) a reaction in the female to feel less respectful and sexual toward her mate.  Women don’t stare at skinny guys with spectacles when they walk by, but they do stare at Bowflex-toned commercial male actors with huge pecs and biceps.  Why?  It’s the animal attraction of a male who, potentially, is sexually healthy enough to produce offspring and then provide and protect.

Women who want emasculated men generally have huge hostility issues with masculinity (which they got from their mothers or the feminist teachers of their women’s studies courses), and want to be able to control the man (never as much as their mother could) or are just too scared of their normal natural dependency on a real man.

A better study would be to find out what household situations make MEN happiest, because those are the ones which, overall, are going to attract the men who make the best husbands.  Happy husbands spend more time with their families, and would swim through shark-infested waters for them.  This particular study?   Just another piece of feminist propaganda flotsam.

Listen Before You Pounce

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Today, I’m using a funny story I heard to illustrate a much more important lesson… for parents:

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

Escaping from an Irresponsible Family of Leeches

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A young woman was saved from her addict parents and raised by other family members.  She turned out to be a loving, responsible adult, but she’s now being used as an ATM by those who gave her that early boost.  She’s conflicted as to what to do.  Watch as I help sort out the good news from the bad news:

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

Don’t Do the Wrong Thing With Your Hyperactive Kids

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When I was a child in school, my parents were called in each and every year to have a conference with the principal about my inattention, underachievement, and disruption of the class because I talked too much - all the things that would have me doused in Ritalin today.

I get way too many calls from mothers that their local school is threatening to drug their child (usually a son) with Ritalin to cure his ADHD, and thereby control his behavior.  I always tell them:  NO.  There are numerous reasons why children (and especially boys) won’t sit still and won’t pay attention.  Sometimes they’re bored, sometimes there is so much turmoil at home that they’re acting out, and sometimes they just have so much energy that they can’t sit still.  Schools have virtually thrown out recess breaks and physical education.  Sometimes, too, they’re just the sort of kids who need more one-on-one attention in order to keep focused.  Of course, there’s also the possibility that there are other problems.

There’s an important (and not surprising to me) piece of news published online in the Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry:  that stimulant drugs like Ritalin that are used to treat ADHD do not improve children’s symptoms in the long term.

The latest report tracked almost 500 children for eight years, and found that those still taking stimulant medication fared no better in the reduction of symptoms such as inattention and hyperactivity or in social functioning than those who had not taken medication.  The difference was clear in less than two years.

Behavioral treatments are going to have a much bigger benefit in the long term.  It’s easy to find a doctor who will prescribe Ritalin.  However, it takes some time to find a doctor experienced in behavioral intervention, and for many “too busy” folks, popping a pill seems easier and more expedient than ongoing behavioral techniques that will require their time and energies to learn and utilize at home.
Here in Los Angeles, we have The Drake Institute, which is expert in this area.  These ongoing interventions are costly, and not all insurance will cover them, which is, indeed, a problem.

I remember reading on the air an email from a grandfather whose grandson was the child of a two-career household.  The grandfather was retired.  He found out they were going to “Ritalin-ize” his grandson, and immediately took over.  He homeschooled this child and spent the entire day combining school work with structured play and discipline   The child blossomed.  He wrote:  “I sometimes think that it is not the child who has attention-deficit problems, but the parents who give the child a deficit of attention.”

While that may be true in a lot of cases, there are still those children whose impulse control and thinking processes need special attention.  Find a good behavioral therapist with the experience to make a difference, and realize that you, as a parent, will have to spend the time to understand, learn and help your child mature in a healthy and productive way.  Stop with the popping of potent pills as a first and last resort…..please.