Shooting Pool is Great Therapy

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I’ve been taking lessons in shooting pool now each week for two years.  My teacher, Al Vafa, is a pro:  an interesting, funny, smart, thoughtful guy, and a magnificent pool player.

If I am in the right mindset, the average “not that serious” pool player would have a hard time beating me.  Again, that is if I am in the right mindset.  It took the better part of the first year of lessons to stop saying “I suck,” to stop crying, getting angry, and even once actually breaking my costly pool cue.

This was not just about pool.  This was a metaphor for my life.  My dad was ferocious with me.  I remember the day before a science project was due for a school science fair, I went into the back yard, picked out some flowers, pulled them apart, glued them onto a poster board, and named all the parts.  It wasn’t very neat, and it wasn’t very brilliant, but it was something to hand in so I wouldn’t get into trouble.  My dad came home, took one look at it, and went ballistic.  I was up most of the night with him, tears streaming down my face the whole time, redoing the project in HIS image.

The next day at the science fair, when the judges came to my “perfect” project, I said…nothing.  They asked me questions.  I remained silent.  They prodded me some more, but I remained silent.  Finally, writing on their pads, they moved on.

One of my teachers called my parents that night to find out what in the heck was wrong.

My dad, furious we had done all that work and then I hadn’t presented it properly, demanded to know why I said nothing.  Fearfully, I answered, “Because it wasn’t mine.”  I honestly don’t remember what he said after that, but this was the atmosphere during all my “growing-up” years.
 
Two things came from that experience:  one really good, and one really bad.

The really good part was I became highly motivated to prove to him I wasn’t “stupid” (as he constantly called me).  That gave me self-motivation and a drive to work very, very hard.
 
The really bad part was I found it hard to forgive myself the realities of a learning curve (i.e., it takes time to master things).  I was hard on myself when I couldn’t do well quickly.

What does this have to do with shooting pool?  It has been magnificent therapy.

After the breaking of the cue stick, I struggled to remove my emotions and accept the learning curve and the reality even pros miss sometimes.  I learned my mind had to be clear of self-recrimination in order for my body and brain to work on the strokes.  I learned I could have fun while not being perfect (something my dad never learned in his life).

I also got this lesson from learning how to sail:  doing my job (steering) and working with a team (the boat’s crew).

This is one reason hobbies are so important:  they help you learn life lessons in a safer environment.

I am grateful for all the friends and teachers who have helped me appreciate life more and enjoy myself in a deeper way.

To Grandmother’s House We Go

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If you were lucky enough to grow up with loving grandparents, you know how valuable they were to your personal development.  Then why are some grandparents now shunning that role?

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

When Hate Shows Character

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On June 30, I posted a blog about “hating” evil.  I got the following response from one brave young woman, and I’m making her my guest blogger today:

Hi, Dr. Laura:

I am 27 years old and have been listening to you for as long as I can remember.  My mom turned you on in the car.  She was a stay-at-home mom, but we did way more than just stay at home.  I listen [to your radio program] via Streamlink, so I just heard your commentary on hate.  You have made me feel even more right in my choice to hate.

I have a brother-in-law who is a skinhead.  He is also a criminal - [having gone] in and out of jail over the years.  My sister brought this man into my life when I was 12 years old, so since then, my family has been battling him and his drunken fits and fights with my sister.  I grew up opinionated; I have convictions and they are strong, so naturally, we butted heads.  But for a long time, I would just get along with this monster for the sake of peace (as my mother taught me).

When I turned 18 and moved out, I saw that I could choose who was in my life.  And after an incident at my other sister’s home where I was given the “Heil Hitler” salute, I was done.  Done making peace.  I found that making peace with this man was to be okay with all the evil he brought into my family.  My mom suggested I just be careful of him as if he were a pit bull.  I thought “no,” and then was sad that my family would not take the stand I would.

So, any holiday or family get-together, I made it clear that I would not attend if he did.  And I missed out on a lot.  People were just too scared of what they might look like, or scared that my sister would say no one could see the children, or another excuse I find just as evil as him.  He didn’t do anything to me personally, so I can’t shun him.  I was very sad that my family had chosen to make peace with the devil rather than stand up to him.

My saving grace was my boyfriend’s family, whose home constantly was a place I could go, and they told me they thought I was doing what was right.

This year, I have been able to see my family on holidays - it took one last fight where my brother-in-law assaulted my dad and destroyed their property.  It is sad that that is what it took for my parents and oldest sister to decide that peace was not the way.  My sister is still married to him, but is now she who misses out on family events, because her husband is no longer welcome. 

I hope she sees his dangerous and destructive pattern and gets herself and her children out of there, but, sadly, I’m not holding my breath.

Thank you for all you do, and for making me realize that other people’s actions need not define my character.

Nancy

My Child Feels Left Out

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A mom is concerned about how her daughter, who has ADHD, is being treated by some young family relatives.  I think the concern should lie elsewhere:

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

Sandbagging is Not What You Do in Baseball

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“Sandbagging” is a term used to describe an awful thing to do to another person, where you collect years of grievances of all sizes and dump them on someone all at once.  There is nothing they can do about all these supposed “slings and arrows” as they are history.  The context is gone, the possible provocation is ignored, and the amalgam of complaints is impossible to dissect and respond to.  Basically, all that is left is for the target of the sandbagging to attack back or divorce themselves from you.

The point is that sandbagging never results in resolution or redress.  It just results in the feeling of being disdained and betrayed.

I believe that people sandbag when 1) they simply want to hurt someone else, 2) want to get superiority over another, and/or 3) desire not to take responsibility for their contribution to the problem.

I recently told one caller that she needed to apologize to her mother-in-law for sandbagging, whether or not any or all of the complaints had some modicum of validity.  The relationship is destroyed with the sandbagging.  There is rarely any coming back from being hit with one.  The hurt, anger, and feeling of betrayal and blunt humiliation cannot possibly result in any understanding or compassion for the complainer.

I asked this caller to apologize for sandbagging, to admit she was simply frustrated over some things and didn’t have the courage to face them together, and, in general, just bombed the heck out of her.  She agreed to do what I suggested, thankfully.

There are no excuses, folks.  Don’t tell yourself you’re justified to sandbag because you’ve been hurt, and never hit back with more than you’ve been hit with.  An “eye for an eye” does not mean eyeballs will be rolling.  It means that you must not punish greater than the insult.  In other words, you can’t extract a “life” for an “eye.”

Communication is everything, as humans are not clairvoyant beings.  You must let somebody know what they said or did that hurt your feelings and what they can do to repair the situation.  It is all too often true that whatever you feel is hurtful is your sensitivity and not necessarily their intent.  You need to be open to hearing that, too.

Say No to Family Blogs

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Today’s blog is from a listener and is a follow-up to a call she made to me on my radio program, but it could apply to any family:

I spoke with you…about my discouragement with my family relationships that have resulted from me blogging on my private family blog.  I was extremely shocked by your passionate response that I should shut the blog down and cease to communicate with others in that manner.

While at first I battled my defensive justifications as to why I should still blog, I wanted to thank you for helping me to look at the matter in a completely new light.  As I have pondered the situation, I have discovered some important elements I had not thought of before, mainly ‘Why Blogs Are Not Great Ways to Maintain Relationships:’”

1.  We don’t usually communicate in that way with people when we speak face-to-face.  In regular conversations with our friends or family, there should be an equal give and take.  You share; they listen.  Blog posts are typically one-sided conversations, where sharing ideas and thoughts don’t happen.  Yes, you can comment, but comments are typically short, on topic, and do not typically result in a sincerely valuable conversation.
2.  It’s not personalized to the individual to whom we are speaking, and can therefore come across as insensitive.

When I talk to someone face-to-face, I filter and screen my topics and thoughts according to the closeness of the relationship, as well as what their life situation might be.  With a blog audience (even a private one), my relationship closeness still varies widely.  In real life conversations, I would be more aware of what I share and with whom I choose to share it.  In addition, if I’m talking to a friend of mine who has struggled with infertility, I probably wouldn’t go on and on about how much I love being a mother and raising a baby.  She’s been trying to have a baby for several years, and is quite discouraged about that.  It would be rude and inconsiderate of me to do that.

Even though the topics we blog about may be neutral and positive, because we are not considering the personalized audience, we can often unknowingly offend people and likely even damage existing relationships.  Because we may not be considering the closeness of our relationships, we may be sharing things that are better left enjoyed and shared only with those closest to us.

Thank you for helping me see a different side.  I’ve taken an early retirement from blogging, and already am excited at the freedom I feel, and the prospect of maintaining and strengthening my relationships through good old-fashioned one-on -one personalized communication.

Sincerely,

B.

My Family Still Talks to My Exes

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When you break up a relationship, you often need to put some distance between you and your ex.  But what should you do if your family continues the relationship after you’ve moved on?

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

Turning a Boy Into a Responsible Man

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The other day I took a call on my radio program from a mother who was upset at her husband.  The husband had told their 9 year old son that he was not allowed to watch TV for a 24 hour period as a consequence of his unacceptable behavior - in this case, leaving the TV on even though he was finished watching it and had left the room.

The husband had come home from work the previous day and almost immediately checked to see what channel the TV was set to - turns out it was tuned into a kid’s network, so he knew right away that his son had disobeyed him and watched TV when his viewing was supposed to be restricted.  The father sat down with the boy and they talked about honesty, integrity, and respect for parents.

The mother was incensed that the father had “checked up” on the boy.  I immediately responded by saying, “Well, that’s being a good parent!”  I explained that the father’s job is to take his boy and turn him into a man, and a responsible one at that.  To do so, he had to use whatever was at his disposal to keep up with what the boy was doing, so that he could continue to teach and lead his son into healthy, productive adulthood.  I said that the father did the right thing.

The mother did stop and say, “I hadn’t looked at it that way.”

It seems like she spent a lot of time thinking about our exchange, and below are excerpts from an email I received from her shortly after:

…I was so nervous about my call that I didn’t get to thank you for your clarity…. Because of you, I was very aware of my “feelings,” and that they may not be a reason to respond to this situation [sic].  Recognizing this allowed me to spend all night digesting what happened without saying a word, even though my feelings were to be ‘Mother Bear’ and overreact to the situation. This led to me calling you for your perspective.

You pointed out to me that my husband was being a good parent.  You are so right.  He truly wants my son to succeed and grow to be a responsible MAN.  It brings tears to my eyes thinking how terrible this situation could have played out had I indulged my ‘feelings.’

Your wisdom has saved yet another crazy, emotional woman and spared my wonderful husband of thinking that his wife and girlfriend doesn’t give him the respect and support he deserves.

While I can’t thank you enough, rest assured that I plan to completely thank my husband tonight!