If I Could Afford Help, I’d Enjoy My Children More

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Some Moms get resentful when they see their friends and acquaintances “living the celebrity mom lifestyle,” where they have time to go to the gym and get their nails done, because they have some paid help with the kids.  Don’t fall into the trap of believing that having more time for yourself necessarily gives your kids (and you) a better family life:

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

Moral Nearsightedness

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Earlier this month, I took a call that I thought was a perfect example of how “moral nearsightedness” is overcoming American society.

This twenty-something young woman was pregnant out-of-wedlock, “shacking up” with her alleged fiance (they are living with his father), and the fiance doesn’t have enough income to support a wife and child.

But that’s not why she called!!

In fact, when I pointed out the irresponsibility and immaturity of conceiving out of wedlock with a guy incapable of supporting a family, I got back:  “Well, that’s not my question!” (And, by the way, she didn’t want to have a wedding until after the baby was born and she got her figure back in order to wear a white gown).

Her question actually related to her mother.  Apparently, her mommy came to visit and “got it on” with the fiance’s dad….all night.  There were other children (of other family members) in the home when this was happening.

That’s as far as she got when I said: “It’s genetic.”
She responded with:  “What?”
I repeated and expanded: “It’s genetic…having no moral foundation for decisions.  Like mother, like daughter.”

Now that may sound harsh to you, but truth often is, and there was nothing I could do to change anything about this situation.  She was already “shacking up” and pregnant; her mother already had humped the maybe future father-in-law.  Her question was going to be about confronting her mom about this outrageous behavior.  I couldn’t bear to hear her even go there, considering she was the pot and the kettle all by herself.

It’s a shame both of our eyes point only outwards.  It would be a far, far better thing if one of them turned inwards.

Don’t Let Holiday Stress Take Over

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Normally on my radio program, we try to vary the subject matter of the calls I take so that each hour has a wide range of issues, philosophies, ideas, information, insight and dilemmas.  However, during the holiday season, this becomes almost impossible.  It seems that family dynamics (especially the negative ones) just take over people’s lives.  This includes everything from having to buy gifts for (or people (or deal with family members) you don’t like, having to go to dinner and parties you don’t really want to go to, to having to travel to four different sets of divorced parents’ houses and have to deal with their new spouses.  And on and on and on….

One of the main problems causing you stress at this time is your unwillingness to accept what “is,” and just hum your way through some unpleasant moments and unpleasant people, and your unwillingness to accept responsibility for making choices that will annoy some others, but will save yourself.

For example:

1. If you have four divorced parents or four sets of in-laws, just have the dinner at YOUR house.  Invite everyone, and let them sort themselves out.
2. If you’re at a family gathering with one or two bad apples, just steer yourself toward the people you do like and immerse yourself in pleasant conversation, virtually ignoring the troublemakers after a cordial “hello.”  If the troublemakers start arguments or get drunk or unruly, excuse yourself and leave.  Do what it takes to keep your blood pressure down and enjoy the holiday time.
3. If relatives are visiting, put them up at a local inn.  They and you will then have the necessary privacy to keep tensions to a minimum.  Pay for the hotel yourself.  It’s a small price to pay for serenity.
4. If you’re invited out of town, and you don’t really want to go, don’t travel. Start new traditions in your own home.

As for accepting what “is,” if there are some situations and people you’d rather avoid, but this would bring pain to others who would miss you terribly, go with good humor, become the life of the party, enjoy what there is to appreciate, and know that in your heart, you did a good deed and the right thing. 

Presents from the Heart

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This week, families are gathering to celebrate the holidays, and of course, gift-giving is a long-standing tradition at this time of year.  This year, I decided to make most of my gifts, and I decided to share with you my knitting “workshop” as well as some of my thoughts about how we bond with family and friends through giving.

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

Being A Good Parent to A Grownup Child

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I often field questions on my radio program about parenting kidlets and teenagers, but one listener wanted to know how she could be a good parent to a child who is now an adult.  Great question.

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

Unpaid Babysitting for the Family

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There’s a difference between helping out by babysitting once in a while for family members, and being used by them as a convenient free dumping ground for the kids when they want a night out.   Here’s how I suggested one listener handle that situation:

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

Turkey With Dressing, No Stressing

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Even in the best of families, Thanksgiving can sometimes be a stressful day.  And if the family dynamics are not the best, the holiday can be a lot worse than that.  But I have a way to help you:

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

Giving Birth In Front of an Audience

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During my college years in the Sixties, “empowerment” and “consciousness-raising” were the main focus of existence, even though these concepts were largely used to insist that you were a victim of something or someone just for being female.

Well, fast forward to now, and one young, married woman in her twenties has decided that giving birth live on the Internet is empowering to women!  The use of that term in this circumstance cracks me up.  I remember, during my loooong labor, my husband saying that he was going to leave to get a cup of coffee.  I threatened him with “if you leave…never come back!!”  I guess that threat was “empowerment,” but giving birth in public or private is one of our least powerful times.  We are completely at the mercy of a baby who is usually saying “Hell, no, I won’t go.”

Nonetheless, this woman has decided that taking something personal and making it public is empowering and educational and spreading joy.  Oh, puleeze!  In our sadly growing exhibitionist, voyeuristic, reality show mentality of a society, this is how people become “important,” known, and “famous.”

The point of “personal” is that something is perfected by its modesty, and sharing is not an issue of public promotion, but an opportunity for a few people to embrace a meaningful moment of experience.  Experiences and moments that are universal (like child-bearing) are not educational.  The childbirth is going to be posted on a mom website, which means that they’ve all been there and done that.

Her husband is marginalized.  She admits that he was “hesitant” at first, but I’m sure he ultimately had no say.  There aren’t too many decent men who want to share the birth of their first child with a camera crew and a blog audience - that makes Daddy less special and less involved.

It’s all just sad to me.  And what happens after the event, when the thrill, the attention and adrenaline of being in the spotlight goes away?  What is she going to do with this kid to keep the flow going?  Think Jon and Kate.  Think “sad” for the children who become the means of their parents’ moment in the light, in ways other than simply enjoying their first smiles and first steps.