Don’t Hide Facts of Evil and Danger from Kids

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People are being murdered every day in the United States.  However, some of these murders capture the public’s attention more than others.  Hugely fascinating and frightening has been the recent murder of the female Yale University graduate student, whose body was found stuffed into a wall in the Yale University biology lab on the day she was to be married.  Perhaps it was the imminent nuptials which made people more sympathetic, or perhaps it was that one is ultimately not safe anywhere that made people respond so viscerally to this particular news story.

A 10 year old girl called me shortly after that story broke out, because she was now quite scared about everything.  Her fear only started, however, when she was in a movie theater bathroom stall and a woman came in, screaming and pounding on the doors, ostensibly looking for some other child.  Since that incident, my young caller had been scared.  Her mother was listening in when I validated this child’s feelings by saying “You are perfectly correct in being scared.  It is true that there are bad people who are willing to hurt you and that you are sometimes not even safe in your own home.”

Paradoxically, that calmed her down!  Why?  Perhaps it seems to you that that comment would make her more upset.  Nope.  I validated her worst fears, and in doing so, helped her to put them in proper proportion.  If everyone is lying to you because of good intentions, you have to escalate to get them to confirm reality.  This child did not have to bounce off walls anymore.  Someone believed her that life is not completely safe.

I continued by reminding her that she was becoming an adult.  Adults deal with truth, and the truth is that we are not always safe.  Adults need to be aware of that and, instead of just being freaked out about it,, they need to prepare for it:  locking the doors, watching who is near your car in a parking lot, learning some self-defense, being careful about where you go with people you don’t know, and on and on.

Evil is a part of life; danger is a part of life.  People need to know and respect that fact and be armed with information and reasonable plans to deal with these facts. 

A little bit of paranoia is a good thing.  It keeps you prepared.  Too much paranoia inhibits one from living life at all. 

Don’t hide the fact of evil and danger from your children.  Teach them how to recognize them and then what to do.

Knowing is Better Than Not Knowing, or Why I “Push” Some Callers to Discomfort

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Researchers at the University of British Columbia studied people who had undergone genetic testing to determine their risk for developing the neurodegenerative terminal disorder known as Huntington’s disease.  Did you know (and can you believe) that those subjects who learned that they had a very high likelihood of developing this horrendous and ultimately fatal disease were “happier a year after testing than those who did not learn what their risk was.”

Many of you probably think that not knowing would result in more happiness, but you’d be wrong.  According to Dr. Daniel Gilbert of Harvard University, “…when we get bad news, we weep for a while, and then get busy making the best of it.  We change our behavior; we change our attitudes.  We raise our consciousness and lower our standards.  We find our bootstraps and tug.  But we can’t come to terms with circumstances whose terms we don’t yet know.”

Even those of you who listen to my program regularly may be shocked when I tell somebody their mother or father or spouse or even their child is a bum.  You may wince when I have them scream out how righteously angry they are at parents who didn’t protect them.   You may also sometimes recoil from your radio when you hear me push and push and push a caller until they reveal their innermost horrible truth.  Perhaps you’ve seen me as cruel…or hawking for ratings stemming from the drama.

The fact is, that as a professional psychotherapist I have long realized the value of dealing with the truth - as ugly as it might be.  I’ve seen and heard people fighting to keep ugly truths submerged as though it protected them.  In fact, the energy that goes into burying reality is huge, and not available for healthy living.

Not everyone who calls is willing or ready for this evolutionary leap in their lives.  Sometimes, they have to think about it more and come back later.  That’s fine.  The seed is planted.  I don’t see my job as making every caller feel happy at the end of our brief conversation.  I see my job as one of freeing them from their own personal jail of denial and avoidance, all of which lead to depression, anxiety, and poor (very poor) choices in life.

Knowing is always better than not knowing.  Several recent callers have demanded that I give them some magic to get their loved one to stop smoking or stop being obese.  I tell them to give up that ongoing, unpleasant battle, and simply enjoy the time they do have with that person.  Accepting what is out of your control opens you up to more happiness, because you are left with dealing with “what is,” instead of fighting to have it be something else. 

You can wrap your arms and joys around what is.  You can’t do the same thing with what you wish was the truth.

The Aftermath of A Shark Attack

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I have often told callers struggling with their fears (real or imagined or exaggerated) that next to character, I admire guts.  Actually, having the fortitude to face the things we’re afraid of is a measure of character.

A few weeks ago, I was out for only the third time on my new paddleboard.  I was balancing well, in spite of passing motorboats leaving scary wakes in my path.  I was in choppy waters, which was not that smart at my level of experience, and feeling great about what I was doing, when-BAM-I hit the board full flat and hard on my left side and slid underwater.  I was stunned, cold, and worried about becoming a shark snack.  I swam quickly back to the board, pulled myself up, and lay there shaking with cold, shock, and fear. I pulled my knees under me, then got my feet down as I poised in a crouched position, and then stood straight up and paddled nervously for another fifteen minutes.  The point of these actions was that I knew that if I just swam ashore, I might never get on the board again.  My left ribs hurt tremendously, and I’m still healing.  But for me, the main point was getting back up then and there, and scowling directly into the face of fear.

This is a small step for a girl like me.  A much bigger step for a little girl is the story of Bethany Hamilton.  She nearly lost her life in a vicious shark attack while surfing off the coast of Hawaii almost six years ago.  The shark attack happened while she was lying on her board with her arm dangling comfortably in the water.  The shark ripped her left arm off just below the shoulder, and she almost died from blood loss - the shark left a sixteen inch “bite” on her surfboard.  Grisly, to say the least.  By the way, they caught the shark.  It was a 14-foot-long tiger shark, which weighed 1400 pounds.

What was Ms. Hamilton doing just a month after that shark took her left arm?  Re-training herself to surf competitively with only one arm.  Her positive attitude won her a 2004 EXPY award from ESPN for “Best Comeback Athlete of the Year.”  She’s now ranked among the top ten professional women surfers in the world.  With one arm.

Does this mean she has no fears?  No.  “When I’m feeling scared, I just sing a song or pray…or I just try to ignore it.  It’s always in my mind, and it always will be, but I’ve got to keep my mind on having fun and just surfing.”  She says she sees two or three sharks per year in the water and heads in if she gets scared or thinks she sees a shark.  She doesn’t go in the murky water after a storm.  In other words, she uses the common sense that all surfers should employ.

She travels the world for surfing competitions, and for causes in which she can help children with fears - like going to Thailand to help young children devastated by the tsunami disaster.  With her unique experience, she has something very important to say about overcoming fears, much less overcoming fear of water.

I’ve always said that one of the best learning tools in the universe is to read to yourself and your family biographies of people who have fought inner and outer demons and prevailed.  This is one of those stories.

And you don’t have to be afraid of the ocean to benefit.  Life has its disappointments, assaults, devastation, frustrations, challenges, and bad luck.  That’s just life.  What you do after that point is the measure of your life.