Can Men and Women Be Just Friends?

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Today’s question is one that crops up in every generation and probably will continue to be asked hundreds of generations from today:  is it possible for men and women to be just friends without a romantic attachment?

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

Conversation vs. Confrontation

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Let’s talk about having conversations.  You read that right - I didn’t goof and actually mean confrontation, which typically is what I hear most about on my radio program.  It is not a good plan to think of trying to communicate something delicate or important to someone by approaching them through the lenses of battle, which is what confrontation implies.

There are ways to deal with another person on difficult issues that don’t necessarily feel like the throwing down of a gauntlet (an attack against which they have to be defensive).  The moment you get someone’s defenses up, the quicker the whole situation degenerates into a “lose/lose” predicament, usually making things even worse than they were.

If the information is to a loved one, start out with a “Sweetie” or “Honey” or something that sets the tone as one of friendship, love or caring.  Continue with the explanation that it is to improve the situation that you’re coming to them (because you don’t want the relationship hurt by misunderstandings or errors in judgment or word choice).   Then they know that you are not attacking them, but you are trying to preserve the relationship and they will be more open to hearing your point of view.

It’s also important to start out with some verbal “gift,” i.e., that you compliment them with sincerity by suggesting that you understand what their position might be, but that you’re confused, hurt, upset or worried that ________ [fill in the blank].  Remind them what you’ve meant to each other and how you want that to continue, and that this is a glitch which can be remedied with mutual consideration and understanding.

If you’re up against a reasonable, caring individual, things will go well. 

If you’re up against an unreasonable, self-centered human being, things will go well if you walk away.

Rule number “PRE-one:”  Don’t wait for emotions to fester.  Handle things as they happen before you work yourself up to the point that you can’t be reasonable.

Forgiving the Thoughtlessness of Others

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The other day, someone made an honest comment to me about a gift I gave them - a rude comment, but an honest one.

This is the sort of circumstance I hear about a lot on my radio program.  Callers get very upset about some small moment of discomfort, stupidity, rudeness, thoughtlessness - you get my drift.  It sends them into a tizzy, because I guess they yearn for this perfect world where everyone else’s behavior conforms to what it is that makes them happy.

People are largely busy with their own lives, and they don’t always monitor their mouths or body language.  Sometimes, they’re prone to say things without consideration of how it might be received.

So, back to my story - I just laughed.  Look, my feelings can get hurt just like yours.  But since I am “Dr. Laura,” and because I have the experience of over six decades on the planet, I have learned to choose what will annoy me.  When you have friends and acquaintances, you have to  1) cut everyone some “stupidity slack” once in a while (as you would have them forgive you);  2) look at the totality of that person and realize that, percentage-wise, they’re “fine,” and 3) decide whether or not their action was intentionally meant to do you harm or was just a quirk of their personality.

When someone is downright evil, please avoid them.

When someone is simply a bit thoughtless of others, then put them in their place…in your mind, that is.  Know that they have this “quirky-ness” and in the future, don’t have expectations for them that are out-of-proportion.

You can still be friendly, and even be friends, once you accept their limitations.

So, if you don’t have a “goat” to get, they can’t get your goat!

Making It Personal for the Holidays

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My husband and I were very disappointed when we learned that we could not be with our military son on Thanksgiving.  We casually mentioned to some friends that we were just going to have scrambled eggs and bagels for Thanksgiving dinner, because without him there, it just wasn’t going to be worth the effort.  Well, they kindly invited us to spend Thanksgiving with their family, and we accepted. 

I wanted to do something nice for them to really show them thanks for such a lovely gesture, so I knitted a seven-foot runner for their table.  When it was finished, it seemed so “plain,” that I spent four hours crocheting around the entire runner twice and added a fringe to the ends.  When I gave it to her, she held it close to her chest near her heart, and her eyes teared up as she expressed her emotion for my putting in that amount of effort for her.  I have to tell you that I’ve never felt so moved by a reaction to a gift in my life.

She and her husband were doing something “personal” for me, and I wanted to return the favor.  Having Thanksgiving with their adult children and a couple who were mutual friends made for a fabulous evening, with lots of laughs and a yummy turkey….mmmm.

So, I’ve stopped buying bottles of wine and chocolate-filled baskets.  I’ve been working around the clock for weeks either knitting, weaving, or sewing Christmas presents.  I finished my last project for my “peeps” on Sunday (our office holiday party was on Tuesday), so I had a bit of a crunch for time.  While it was exhausting and sometimes frustrating when equipment has a mind of its own, I feel giddy about giving gifts that are so much of myself.  Clearly, it means more to the receiver AND the giver.

To top it off, a few of my dearest friends sent me “Thanksgiving” e-mails, enumerating the reasons they felt grateful for having me in their lives.  It blew my mind.  It is incredibly touching to know that you matter to someone.

I’m writing these stories to urge you all to do the same this Christmas.  Don’t buy a card - write to that person and let them know why they matter to you and what you appreciate about them and how you feel grateful for them.  Instead of purchasing something generally useless that they might never use and will not cause them to reflect on your relationship, make something or do something.  For example:  plant some flowers on either side of their front door; make a rocking chair for the back porch; fix something on their property; take their kids for the night so they can have a romantic time to themselves….the list of possibilities is endless.

Make it personal, and that doesn’t require ridiculous expenditures for gifts that ultimately don’t matter. 

Oh, and one more thing.  We will see our kidlet for Christmas.  The tree is already up.

When Someone Believes in You

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There’s an interesting program at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro that aims to keep 12 to 18 year old girls in school, minus the sad drama of pregnancies or abortions.

The program is sponsored by College Bound Sisters.  Girls in the program attend 90-minute meetings every week, at which they receive lessons in abstinence and the use of contraceptives, and they receive one dollar per day that they are not pregnant.  The money is deposited into a fund that’s available for collection when they enroll in college.

Obviously, there are many who will say “Hey, bribery is not the correct way to handle such behavioral issues.”  But slow down and think about it – when a 12 year old believes that one dollar a day is a great incentive, it tells you two things:

1. the gentle maturity level of such young girls
2. how so very many young girls are hungry for direction

Keep in mind that 3 out of 10 young women become pregnant by age 20, and the costs associated with teen pregnancies exceed $9 BILLION annually.

So, what’s their track record?  According to the co-director of the program, 6 of the 125 who have been enrolled for 6 months or longer have gotten pregnant or otherwise dropped out since it began in 1997 (and it only costs $75,000 – not billion – to operate the program).  Recent graduates have left the program with up to $3,000 saved up for college.  Basically, the representatives of the program say “If someone believes in you, there’s no end to what a lot of people can accomplish.”

This reminds me of a patient I had years ago, who went from “ditzy” behavior and drug addiction to clean and sober.  She completed college and advanced nursing training, and has been employed ever since.  A little ego in me caused me to ask here, “What made the difference here?”  I thought she’d point out some brilliant intervention of mine.  Nope, not at all.  She pointed out that I had believed in her when no one else did, that she had respected me, and I respected her potential.  That made the difference in her outlook and choices.

So, when you’re confused as to how to really help someone, just believe in them, and let them know it.

Too Much Information

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We’ve all experienced it at one time or another - being around someone who just spills too much personal information, and you just want to “get outta there.”  I heard from a listener who was in the middle of this type of situation, and that’s when I remembered that I had encountered someone just like that when I was in school.   To find out what to do when you’re on the receiving end of T.M.I., just watch:

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.