Loneliness Is A Voluntary Condition

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Social isolation [loneliness] is as bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, being an alcoholic, not exercising, and twice as harmful as obesity.

Bottom line:  The lack of social support should be added to the short list of risk factors for an early grave.

This analysis comes from scientists at Brigham Young University in Utah.  “When someone is connected to a group and feels responsibility for other people, that sense of purpose and meaning translates to taking better care of themselves, and taking fewer risks.” Relationships help buffer negative/stressful events in life, helping us cope during difficult times and celebrating our joys and successes.

The link between living longer and having social connections (friends and family, as well as marriage and children) remained even after the researchers took into account the sex, initial health and cause of death of those in the study.  The negatives and positives of relationships are all averaged together.

People who never marry are more likely to die young than those who marry or divorce.

I am always telling people to stay married for the sake of the children.  Many either don’t care or discount the impact of divorce on children.  If you won’t stay together for the sake of the children, then stay together for yourself - you will live longer!

Human beings need relationships to keep them healthy.  We’re not talking about friends of the social-networking variety.  These drive-by, so-called friendships lack the depth and texture of real, one-on-one committed caring and caretaking.
 
So remember that people with greater social relationships are 50 per cent more likely to live longer than those who don’t invest in relationships.  And, of course, those social relationships make life more interesting, sweet, touching, and meaningful.

New Town? New School? Feeling Like the Oddball Out?

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When you’re the new kid in town, or the new family on the block, there’s a way to overcome the awkwardness of not knowing anyone:

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript. 

Sarah Palin Tweets in Support

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I want to make a public statement about Sarah Palin; former Governor of Alaska and candidate for Vice President of the United States. 

As you know, Tuesday night I announced that I will leave radio at the end of my contract in December so I can speak freely and openly about issues that concern me without fear of retribution against my advertisers and radio stations.

 
On Wednesday, in her Tweet and Facebook, Sarah Palin made strong statements in my support.  You may remember that, two years ago, I was less than enthusiastic when she was selected by John McCain to be his running mate, as my concerns were that having responsibilities for small children should preclude such a decision. 
 
In spite of my criticism of that time, Sarah Palin came out in support of my decision to move on and tweeted this:
Dr.Laura:don’t retreat…reload! (Steps
aside bc her 1st Amend.rights ceased
2exist thx 2activists trying 2silence”isn’t
American,not fair”)
 
Dr.Laura=even more powerful &
effective w/out the shackles, so watch
out Constitutional obstructionists. And
b thankful 4 her voice,America!
I spoke with her yesterday and told her how impressed I was with her character.  You don’t see such character much these days.  I believe most folks would have had a more negative approach considering I had not been supportive at that time.  But, nope, not Sarah.  She is gracious and a woman of principles – no petty reaction.
 
She and I have a lot in common.  We both find ourselves on the receiving end of vitriolic partisan attacks.  We both made huge changes in our lives to be able to protect the people we love and have a freer context in which to try to help America’s families.
 
By the way, we had to end our conversation after a few minutes because she had to get her kidlet off to first day at school.  Seriously adorable moment.

Camaraderie

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A few weeks ago, I participated in a 45 mile ocean race with 6 other crew members and a 33-foot boat.  There were 10 other competitors in our class.  One of them - a very fast boat-had a handicap rating, which meant we had to beat them by 20 minutes (in a 61/2 hour race).

We did our best and did a good job with tactics and sail changes.  But our handicap was such that this just wasn’t enough.

A big boat from another class was right behind me, bearing down hard, some 13 miles from the finish line.  My tactician said “Okay, now I’m going to teach you something new.”  He had me maneuver the boat so they’d go under me (meaning I was between the wind and the other boat) so I would not slow down in their wind shadow.  Once they almost passed me, and I turned the boat down to catch their wake.  Evidently, this is the “on the water” version of what bicyclists do when they follow another closely - it actually makes you go faster!  And it worked, because, suddenly, I was going a knot faster.  The waves were big, fast, and furious.  It took a lot of strength on my part to keep my boat directly behind the bigger boat and stay in their wake.  I stayed in his wake for 8 miles and 1 hour.  When the wind died down a bit, his boat took off, and I was back to just being a small boat in the race. 

The guys in front on my boat were getting soaked and when one more huge wave actually broke over the boat, I too was soaked.  One of them leaned back and said sympathetically, “Oh, did you get wet Doc?”  I said “Yes,” as I spit out salt water.  As if orchestrated, they all turned and said simultaneously:  “Awwwwwwwwww.”  It was hilarious, and it felt great.  The team was working together, kidding each other in the heat of battle, and I just loved it!

When we docked, we all got off the boat extremely wet and all body parts hurting.  We all moaned and groaned as I said “Whose stupid idea was this?”  Again, they all turned, laughing, and pointed at me.  We hit the restrooms and cleaned up, and then went out to dinner to celebrate a job well done…done as a team, and done with humor.

We were at the restaurant toasting each other and laughing and throwing food down with passion, when we realized we were happy and didn’t even know if we had won anything in the race or not.  That was the best part - that we didn’t need a “win” to enjoy our camaraderie and our time out on the ocean.

It wasn’t until the next day we discovered we had won the race by (remember, this was a 45 mile race that took 6 1/2 hours)…..TWO SECONDS!  Bless that big boat’s wake!  We were all stunned at the result.  Whew!  But even without the win, we had a great time together facing the elements.

Friendship Should Not Be Unconditional

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I don’t subscribe to unconditional relationships, whether they are by blood, geography, gender, race, religion, or friendship.

Recently, I had a situation in my personal life that brought this concept to the fore.  I (and others) had gotten deeply involved with a lovely person who was in a destructive relationship.  When it broke up…again…we were all asked to be supportive, and we were (with phone calls, visits, dinner, etc.).  The relationships all deepened and then this person slipped way backward…again…into a morass of misery.  I communicated I was sad this had happened, and I was willing to resume our friendship after some time had passed, when the drama was no longer part of the equation.

I heard from this person again, and was informed the drama was indeed over…finally (one last burp, I guess).  This individual did communicate to me about being hurt that my friendship seemed conditional, when it was expected I would be there through stupid and smart behavior. 

I responded all relationships should be conditional - not “hair-trigger” conditional, but conditional nonetheless. I don’t want to be Mel Gibson’s friend, for example.  I am certainly willing to be supportive and helpful, but I don’t want to take up time in my life with yo-yo drama.  I consider the other individual has the responsibility to do the work to make themselves healthy and my support is there lovingly when that is, indeed, the case.  Getting one’s life on a healthy track is difficult, and I am certainly there to support my friends during that journey.  I am not there, however, when intentional, self-defeating steps are taken to get back into the problems.

This is the philosophy I espouse on the air.  Otherwise, giving support unconditionally is making oneself a patsy and/or a contributor to the ongoing drama and filling one’s life with unnecessary turmoil.

Relationships require the honor, integrity and effort of both individuals.  That should be the condition.

Mistakes?  Temporary stupidity?  All understandable.

Betrayal of support by giving into weakness?  Not so understandable.

You owe those who support you not to give into temptation or weakness, or you will lose the best of them.

Talking Face-to-Face Is Becoming A Lost Art

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I have never understood cafes which actually cater to the “I don’t want to talk to anyone” types who hog tables and chairs for hours while they play with their laptops or Kindles or cell phones or iPads.  I guess some café owners permit this (and even offer free use of computers) in order to get business.  Yeah…business.  One group of people sitting for hours can’t possibly bring in more revenue than a constant flow of sippers and munchers who stay for short periods of time.

When I walk into a café and see these hulks buried in cyberspace, I usually turn and leave.

One day, my husband and I took a motorcycle ride and decided to stop in Arroyo Grande, California for breakfast.  The area had a small “old town” feel to it, with roosters walking in the street.  We went into the café and everyone was talking!  Whenever someone new walked in, it was “Hi” all around.  Nice.

Walking around the streets of most cities, you’ll often see people on cell phones, texting or talking to themselves (otherwise known as talking through their “Look Ma, no hands” Bluetooth devices). 

It’s not nice to not interact.

Café Grumpy, in New York’s Chelsea neighborhood, banned laptops and cell phones.  Besides the smell of coffee, the sound of people actually talking to each other fills the air.  In the late afternoons, people are writing on paper, reading print newspapers, and lingering over books in a corner.  The owner makes the rounds, talking to these solo patrons.  Person to person contact is made.

Humanity is resurrected…resistance is futile.

Pleasant Surprises

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A few weekends ago, my husband and I rode our motorcycles out for lunch, something we do regularly.  As we were preparing to leave for a post-lunch ride, a woman pulled up in her car to ask me about my (I’ll admit it) beautiful motorcycle.  The overall mural on the bike is gorgeous:  a free-flowing, hand-painted, artistically brilliant representation, combining Hell’s Angels and patriotic themes.

We engaged in conversation, and she commented that, at 83, she didn’t think she could get into motorcycles.  I suggested a trike.  Anyway, she told me she’d been a journalist and had interviewed a motorcycle gang quite a few years ago, and offered to send me the text.  When I gave her my contact information, she slooowllly looked up at me, and practically sneered my name:  “YOU are Dr. Laura?”  I said: “Yup.”  She immediately said, “I don’t agree with most of what you have to say.”  I responded:  “See my husband over there?  He doesn’t agree with everything I have to say either…but he still loves me.”

She looked at him, then looked at me, and a smile crept onto her face.

She sent me her article.  I invited her to dinner.  She accepted, and wrote back that most everyone who knew her would be shocked to learn we might become friends.  She came to dinner, and the first thing out of her mouth was to tell me she’d walked out of a talk I’d given a few years back.  I said nothing in response.  She then said (and this was even before bread and salad!) I seemed so different in person and so mean otherwise.  Again, I said nothing in response.  I did, however, pass the margarine.

I’m convinced too much of the time it has become more natural to dislike the person whose message is counter to your preference than it is to simply agree to disagree, or congenially debate without hate.  However, hate has become the current means of dealing with differences of opinion.

I give her lots of props, because she decided to go past the knee-jerk reaction of “shooting the messenger” to form her own opinion.

It was a pleasant evening after that.  She’s a world traveler and has met some of the most incredible people (good and bad) in history.  Her stories were fascinating.  After two hours, she left with an invitation to dinner at her home.  I’m looking forward to it. 

I don’t agree with most of what she supports either, but she is an open, charming, delightful woman, and I do hope we can become friends.  If we limit our interactions to the “choir,” life becomes quite dull.

What To Do About People Who Annoy You

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There is no doubt in my mind we all have someone in our lives who is downright annoying - it seems to be just one of those facts of life.  It’s your reactions to those people that concerns me.  So many of you write me or call me about how upset you get and how your feelings are hurt when you encounter that annoying individual. 

So stop a moment and ask yourself :  “Why?”  Why are you overreacting to “annoying?”  Annoying is not vicious.  Annoying is about the other person being insensitive, jealous, inadequate (and therefore critical), lonely (and therefore attempting to be involved)…stuff like that.

You need to distinguish “annoying”  from “mean.”  “Mean” is to be avoided; the negative content of “annoying” is to be ignored.  Here’s what I mean:

You go to a relative or friend’s home and they comment about your hair, clothes, kid, lifestyle, eating habits, etc.  You can get all upset, OR you can say “Oh, you’re so cute…” and give them a hug.  Let it be at that. 

Surprise and confusion are the most powerful weapons:  not anger or tears.  And nothing surprises someone who is being critical more than a hug and a smile.  It may seem difficult for you to imagine doing that but two things are instantly accomplished:

1.  You don’t feel as bad because you’re behaving nicely, and behavior has a direct effect on feelings!
2. The other person is taken by surprise (i.e., your showing affection), and finds it more difficult to remain negative or critical toward you - it just becomes too awkward.  So remember….surprise and confusion!

No one who is annoying expects anything except your bowing to their attempt at power or relevance.  Affection with humor has you keeping the power.

Try it.  With a smile, of course!