How To Say You’re Sorry

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There is an effective way to apologize and an ineffective way. 

Here are some ineffective ways:

1. I’m sorry.

That’s it.  That’s it?  It’s kind of shallow and superficial.  If you say “I’m sorry you felt upset,” that puts the blame on the injured party.  If you say “I’m sorry YOU felt upset,” that means you aren’t taking responsibility for your actions.  That just says you got upset and I’m sorry that you got upset, but it’s not my problem!

2.  I’m sorry if I did something to offend you.

Ouch.  The “if” word is a stab in the heart.  It’s pretty defensive, and not “owning” it.  It’s qualifying the apology.  Any apology with a qualifier in it is not really an apology.

I particularly remember this one, because I was in a situation where I used this and blew it.  I made a terrible mistake early on in my psychotherapy practice.  I used this line with a patient.  She didn’t say anything, but the next week, she came back furious.  I guess I was being defensive and didn’t realize it.  So, even the pros do it.

3.  If it will make you feel better, I’m sorry.

Whoa!  This one is so insincere that it literally drips insincerity.  What you’re really saying is “If it will make you feel better (you stupid, weak, annoying idiot), then I’m sorry.  Yikes!

4.  I’m sorry for whatever I did.

This is one that too many husbands try to use, but then too many wives don’t communicate particulars!  This one is a bit vague and non-specific.

5. Any and all apologies followed by the word “but…”

This apology reminds me of a funny thing that happened in a psychotherapy session.  I sometimes get a little playful with words and images, so when I had a husband and wife in therapy, and every time the wife opened her mouth, she said “but, but, but, but,” I said back “you’re a ‘but’ with feet!”  She went through the roof, because she thought I called her an ass.  I guess I should have watched the way I worded that comment.  I wasn’t sensitive and got a little too playful at the wrong time.

That example segues into how to apologize correctly.

First of all, you personalize your apology.  “I am sorry I hurt you.”  Anything that is personal is felt more deeply.  That needs to grow into “I’m sorry I hurt you by breaking my promise….” or whatever you did.

The third part of the apology occurs when you show you really understand why this was upsetting – you’re not only acknowledging that it was upsetting but also why it was upsetting.  “I’m sorry I hurt you by breaking my promise to call.”  You are justifying their being upset.  You elaborate on all the hurtful aspects of what you said that you’re aware of, and then you again express regret and remorse.  “I am so sorry  I have hurt you.  I take full responsibility.  I did this and I regret it.  I have remorse.  I was being selfish and flighty.  I was insensitive.”

It’s really then important to express some desire to make amends.  Discuss what you are going to do inside your heart, soul, life, mind, and habits to make sure it doesn’t happen again.  And repeat your apology as often as needed, especially for bigger wounds. 

After things have settled down, and some time has gone by, you might want to talk about some mitigating circumstances, but in general, I wouldn’t suggest you go in that direction until the pain has subsided to a much lower level.  And don’t use the excuse “I had a few too many drinks.”  You still did what you did. 

If you are going to apologize, make it sincere or don’t bother.

What Makes A True Friend

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Dating Again: Divorced vs. Widowed?

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If you’re back on the dating scene and you’re no longer a young adult, you may find that the available pool is filled with those who have been either divorced or widowed.  Is there a better chance at happiness with one group, or does it even matter?

With Gratitude for You, My Listeners

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A new year is often a time of reflection and looking back as well as planning for the coming year. Since I’m making a major change by moving to SiriusXM satellite radio, I wanted to look back on my 30+ years of being on the air, and especially to thank you for all you’ve given me during that time:

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Read the transcript.

Tension With the Neighbors

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What do you do when you have neighbors who don’t respond to your efforts to be “neighborly?”

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Girlfriends Compete Over Wedding Days

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I had a caller on the air recently who flabbergasted me, and that doesn’t happen often.  After being on the air more than 30 years, I’ve heard lots and lots that has touched me or stunned me.  This one was a “stunner.”

The young woman caller told me that she has a friend she’s had since childhood.  They’ve gone through school together and they’ve been very competitive over the years.  Hmmm.

Well, my caller told me she was engaged and planning a wedding, and her friend is also engaged and planning a wedding….and the friend’s wedding is happening sooner than hers.

“SHE STOLE MY THUNDER,” my caller said.

What?  The triviality with which this young woman saw “friendship” and “marital vows” was astounding.  I gasped and said that her friend’s wedding – nor any other event in the world – could steal any thunder, as it was not about thunder.  It was about lifelong vows in front of God, family and community to love, honor, and cherish ’til death do you part.

She hung up on me.

I don’t blame her.  I was hoping she was ferociously ashamed of using a man who loved her with vows of love, loyalty and fidelity as a “win” over a girlfriend.  Yeesh!

My heart goes out to this guy, who will probably have to get her pregnant before her friend and get the new car and house before her friend does.  He won’t be measured by his character and warmth — he’ll be measured by how much and how fast he gets her to trump her “friend.”

I was praying he or someone from his family heard this call and warned him off this marriage. 

If you know him….please give him my condolences.

How To Be Happy

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People seem very confused about happiness.  Most folks believe that having all they want is the way to be happy.  I don’t think so.

When I was on the radio evenings in Los Angeles over two decades ago, I reached a “24 share.”  That meant one out of four people listening to Los Angeles radio was tuned into me.  I got a substantial bonus.  We took that money and paid off all financial obligations and had some left over.

I had always wanted a tennis bracelet – that’s a bracelet made of tiny or huge diamonds.  I had enough money for a bracelet with tiny diamonds, but a tennis bracelet nonetheless.  My husband told me to treat myself, and I did.  I felt a swell of joy every time I looked at that bracelet.

I did not feel joy because I had a diamond bracelet on my wrist.  I thought that would be the case, but it wasn’t.  I felt joy because I had “busted my buns,” worked very hard, and built something special.  So, the happiness in looking at the bracelet was not because of the metal and carbon; it was because it symbolized the hard work doing what I loved to do.

It is the experiencing and working that brings happiness.

Years later, I became more successful, and “upgraded” the tennis bracelet.  I liked the new bauble, but it never brought me anywhere near the thrill of that first one.
 
What comes easily does not have the emotional significance of hard work, sacrifice, and risk.

Once, when my son was small, and we were visiting Las Vegas, he wanted to put money in those machines at each dining room table and place a bet in the hopes of winning lots of money.  I wouldn’t let him do it.  I told him that money wouldn’t mean as much as money hard earned.  He (at seven years of age) didn’t quite “get” that.  It seemed to him as a child that “found”  booty is booty nonetheless.  He’s now finishing up his military service and has learned up front and personal about hard work, sacrifice and risk, and he’s enjoyed every moment he’s earned.

So, don’t wish for “clearinghouse” checks or for winning the lottery.  Wish for the opportunity to do something meaningful, something you love, something with hard work, sacrifice and risk.  Believe me, you’ll be happier.

When Someone Disappoints You

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People have, do, and will disappoint you.

Simple fact of life.

Ask yourself two questions:  did they intend to do damage, and what are you going to do with the disappointment?

Let’s look at the first question.  People are deeply involved in their own lives.  That doesn’t mean they don’t care about you or others, but they are first motivated to deal with their own situations and personal emotions.  The more mature, considerate, and less self-centered will also shift gears back and forth to consider the consequences of their actions or inactions.

Personality styles, however, are consistent.  Those who shun confrontation because they don’t want shrapnel of any kind aimed at them will probably never stand up for you, watch your back, defend you or come to your aid during that particular moment of need.  That’s who they are.  They might gossip to you later about it, tell you “tsk, tsk, tsk” this happened to you, or just ignore it completely like it never happened.

These people will disappoint you often only if you maintain the irrational hope that they will change some day and be there for you in a big way.  As I’ve said many times, most hope is simply postponed disappointment.

So your disappointments mostly do not come from ill intent.  They generally come from individuals whose number you now have, and this is when we get to the second question:  what do you do with your disappointment?

Personally, I have told several people over the years I was disappointed I couldn’t count on them to stand up for me when I thought it counted.  Some of these folks loved me dearly but just didn’t have it in them to become a target or focus of that kind of attention.  Some people simply are weak and frightened, although they’re basically decent.  I put these people in a more distant circle of love and affection, but they are still there at all, because I know they care.  They’re just supremely limited.  Others who have disappointed me have been relegated to the back of my mind, and I am just polite to them.  Still others – well, they become invisible, especially if I have put myself out for them when it mattered for and to them.

The people willing to put themselves in the line of fire for your friendship or your principles are the people to embrace the closest in spite of any other quirks that might annoy you at times.  People who will watch your back and/or stand in front to shield you are special people.

Special people should not be taken lightly.  They should be cherished and rewarded with your affection and respect.  It is not typical in the animal kingdom for critters necessarily to put themselves in harm’s way to protect another.  It takes a special form of human being with moral choice to do that.  Those are our everyday heroes.