Ya Gotta Have Friends

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I’ve been giving something a lot of thought lately, and have decided to share it with you – to influence you (if you’re not already) to open up to friendships.

Deborah Tannen, the linguist, recently wrote a piece published in The New York Times which discussed some research which indicated that people with sisters are happier than those without them.  Her point of view was it isn’t women who talk better than men, it’s that they talk more often – even if it’s not about problems.  The very act of just communing is beneficial to both.

She pointed out that men – even men with problems – might talk to each other and end up feeling better, even when they didn’t spend ten seconds talking about “the problem.”  Why?  I believe it’s because talking is a connection, an act of interest and caring, and a remedy for isolation, loneliness, and despair.

My mother was from a small town in northern Italy and grew up during the Fascist/Mussolini era.  Her parents owned a restaurant and worked all the time.  She did have a sister, my aunt Lucia, who was gunned down by a Nazi firing squad at the age of 20 the very first day she joined the underground movement but, other than that, she learned (sadly) to be contained in herself.  That never changed.  As I grew up, I never ever saw her have even one friend and she instilled in me a real sense of self-protection.  She always told me I trusted too quickly, got disillusioned/betrayed/hurt and then suffered immensely.  She was right.  But so what?  Being “hurt” is not the worst thing in the world.  Being disconnected is.

I don’t readily tend to talk about my personal/emotional conditions.  That’s now what I do when I get together with friends.  I just share life with them.  I have a few lovely lady friends right now – a deep quality of friendship – which is so deeply satisfying.  I remember my surprise when one of them hadn’t seen me for almost a week and said, “You know, I miss you.”  I just about fell down.  Why was I so touched?  Because for the most part, folks are into their own lives and don’t necessarily pay much attention to subtle niceties like that with friends.  At that moment, she was cemented into my heart.  What a generous, sweet thing to say.  I have another friend who texts me now and then just to tell me to have a great day, and another one who gives me professional massages twice a month simply because she wants me to relax.

My mother missed out on a lot.  I’m glad I didn’t listen to her warnings about trust and people.  Yes, some have been untrustworthy and unkind, and others have outright betrayed me.  But if your heart stays closed to avoid that hurt, then you won’t hear from a friend those words:  “Miss you…love ya.”  I’d rather suffer some frustrations in return for not missing out on hearing that.  I hope you are also so willing.

No Excuse for Chronic Lateness

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There are lots of ways to show others disrespect.  One very typical example of disrespectful behavior is being chronically late.  Oh, people have lots of excuses:  the dog, the computer, the kid, the traffic, the moon spots, and, of course “stuff happens.”

I’m not talking about an isolated event.  I’m talking about a pattern of behavior.  Being chronically late not only messes up plans, it hurts feelings.  I believe more often than not, chronic lateness is passive-aggressive behavior.  That means the individual who is always late is saying (in code):  “I am more important than you; you can’t tell me what to do; you are not in control of me; I will do what I wish to do,” and more.  Instead of saying all this directly, however, the behavior says it while the conversation is one of “Oh, I’m sorry.  I tried to make it on time.”  The meaning behind the behavior is the “aggression,” and the attempt to make it seem accidental is the “passive” part.

It is also true many folks just pile too much into a day to properly handle all their responsibilities; such anxiety-directed personalities find themselves always up to their eyeballs in too many self-selected obligations, responsibilities, busy work, promises, desires, and on and on and on.

And now, people can email and text and call from a little hand phone.  They very likely feel less and less upset about being late and making others wait because  (they rationalize) “At least I’m letting them know of my progress.”  None of that, however, changes the frustration, disappointment and hurt in the hearts and minds of those left waiting…and waiting…and waiting.

Relationships have been lost over this misbehavior, and rightfully so.  Friendships are supposed to be reciprocal in interest, thoughtfulness, compassion and respect.  When they are consistently lopsided, it is no longer a healthy friendship.

I had a friend who was chronically late.  Nonetheless, we planned to go to an event together.  I warned her most clearly:  “If you are not here at the stroke of 7 or before, turn your car around.  I’ll be gone, probably permanently.”  This friend was there about 30 seconds before 7.
 
Rules and expectations and consequences have to be considered.  It’s one thing to be disrespected by someone; it is quite another to constantly permit it to happen.  This just gives the chronic “latester” more permission to repeat the behavior.  Remember, I’m not talking about unavoidable circumstances.  I am  talking about patterns of behavior.

Loneliness Is A Voluntary Condition

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Social isolation [loneliness] is as bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, being an alcoholic, not exercising, and twice as harmful as obesity.

Bottom line:  The lack of social support should be added to the short list of risk factors for an early grave.

This analysis comes from scientists at Brigham Young University in Utah.  “When someone is connected to a group and feels responsibility for other people, that sense of purpose and meaning translates to taking better care of themselves, and taking fewer risks.” Relationships help buffer negative/stressful events in life, helping us cope during difficult times and celebrating our joys and successes.

The link between living longer and having social connections (friends and family, as well as marriage and children) remained even after the researchers took into account the sex, initial health and cause of death of those in the study.  The negatives and positives of relationships are all averaged together.

People who never marry are more likely to die young than those who marry or divorce.

I am always telling people to stay married for the sake of the children.  Many either don’t care or discount the impact of divorce on children.  If you won’t stay together for the sake of the children, then stay together for yourself – you will live longer!

Human beings need relationships to keep them healthy.  We’re not talking about friends of the social-networking variety.  These drive-by, so-called friendships lack the depth and texture of real, one-on-one committed caring and caretaking.
 
So remember that people with greater social relationships are 50 per cent more likely to live longer than those who don’t invest in relationships.  And, of course, those social relationships make life more interesting, sweet, touching, and meaningful.

New Town? New School? Feeling Like the Oddball Out?

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When you’re the new kid in town, or the new family on the block, there’s a way to overcome the awkwardness of not knowing anyone:

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript. 

Sarah Palin Tweets in Support

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I want to make a public statement about Sarah Palin; former Governor of Alaska and candidate for Vice President of the United States. 

As you know, Tuesday night I announced that I will leave radio at the end of my contract in December so I can speak freely and openly about issues that concern me without fear of retribution against my advertisers and radio stations.

 
On Wednesday, in her Tweet and Facebook, Sarah Palin made strong statements in my support.  You may remember that, two years ago, I was less than enthusiastic when she was selected by John McCain to be his running mate, as my concerns were that having responsibilities for small children should preclude such a decision. 
 
In spite of my criticism of that time, Sarah Palin came out in support of my decision to move on and tweeted this:
Dr.Laura:don’t retreat…reload! (Steps
aside bc her 1st Amend.rights ceased
2exist thx 2activists trying 2silence”isn’t
American,not fair”)
 
Dr.Laura=even more powerful &
effective w/out the shackles, so watch
out Constitutional obstructionists. And
b thankful 4 her voice,America!
I spoke with her yesterday and told her how impressed I was with her character.  You don’t see such character much these days.  I believe most folks would have had a more negative approach considering I had not been supportive at that time.  But, nope, not Sarah.  She is gracious and a woman of principles – no petty reaction.
 
She and I have a lot in common.  We both find ourselves on the receiving end of vitriolic partisan attacks.  We both made huge changes in our lives to be able to protect the people we love and have a freer context in which to try to help America’s families.
 
By the way, we had to end our conversation after a few minutes because she had to get her kidlet off to first day at school.  Seriously adorable moment.

Camaraderie

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A few weeks ago, I participated in a 45 mile ocean race with 6 other crew members and a 33-foot boat.  There were 10 other competitors in our class.  One of them – a very fast boat-had a handicap rating, which meant we had to beat them by 20 minutes (in a 61/2 hour race).

We did our best and did a good job with tactics and sail changes.  But our handicap was such that this just wasn’t enough.

A big boat from another class was right behind me, bearing down hard, some 13 miles from the finish line.  My tactician said “Okay, now I’m going to teach you something new.”  He had me maneuver the boat so they’d go under me (meaning I was between the wind and the other boat) so I would not slow down in their wind shadow.  Once they almost passed me, and I turned the boat down to catch their wake.  Evidently, this is the “on the water” version of what bicyclists do when they follow another closely – it actually makes you go faster!  And it worked, because, suddenly, I was going a knot faster.  The waves were big, fast, and furious.  It took a lot of strength on my part to keep my boat directly behind the bigger boat and stay in their wake.  I stayed in his wake for 8 miles and 1 hour.  When the wind died down a bit, his boat took off, and I was back to just being a small boat in the race. 

The guys in front on my boat were getting soaked and when one more huge wave actually broke over the boat, I too was soaked.  One of them leaned back and said sympathetically, “Oh, did you get wet Doc?”  I said “Yes,” as I spit out salt water.  As if orchestrated, they all turned and said simultaneously:  “Awwwwwwwwww.”  It was hilarious, and it felt great.  The team was working together, kidding each other in the heat of battle, and I just loved it!

When we docked, we all got off the boat extremely wet and all body parts hurting.  We all moaned and groaned as I said “Whose stupid idea was this?”  Again, they all turned, laughing, and pointed at me.  We hit the restrooms and cleaned up, and then went out to dinner to celebrate a job well done…done as a team, and done with humor.

We were at the restaurant toasting each other and laughing and throwing food down with passion, when we realized we were happy and didn’t even know if we had won anything in the race or not.  That was the best part – that we didn’t need a “win” to enjoy our camaraderie and our time out on the ocean.

It wasn’t until the next day we discovered we had won the race by (remember, this was a 45 mile race that took 6 1/2 hours)…..TWO SECONDS!  Bless that big boat’s wake!  We were all stunned at the result.  Whew!  But even without the win, we had a great time together facing the elements.

Friendship Should Not Be Unconditional

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I don’t subscribe to unconditional relationships, whether they are by blood, geography, gender, race, religion, or friendship.

Recently, I had a situation in my personal life that brought this concept to the fore.  I (and others) had gotten deeply involved with a lovely person who was in a destructive relationship.  When it broke up…again…we were all asked to be supportive, and we were (with phone calls, visits, dinner, etc.).  The relationships all deepened and then this person slipped way backward…again…into a morass of misery.  I communicated I was sad this had happened, and I was willing to resume our friendship after some time had passed, when the drama was no longer part of the equation.

I heard from this person again, and was informed the drama was indeed over…finally (one last burp, I guess).  This individual did communicate to me about being hurt that my friendship seemed conditional, when it was expected I would be there through stupid and smart behavior. 

I responded all relationships should be conditional – not “hair-trigger” conditional, but conditional nonetheless. I don’t want to be Mel Gibson’s friend, for example.  I am certainly willing to be supportive and helpful, but I don’t want to take up time in my life with yo-yo drama.  I consider the other individual has the responsibility to do the work to make themselves healthy and my support is there lovingly when that is, indeed, the case.  Getting one’s life on a healthy track is difficult, and I am certainly there to support my friends during that journey.  I am not there, however, when intentional, self-defeating steps are taken to get back into the problems.

This is the philosophy I espouse on the air.  Otherwise, giving support unconditionally is making oneself a patsy and/or a contributor to the ongoing drama and filling one’s life with unnecessary turmoil.

Relationships require the honor, integrity and effort of both individuals.  That should be the condition.

Mistakes?  Temporary stupidity?  All understandable.

Betrayal of support by giving into weakness?  Not so understandable.

You owe those who support you not to give into temptation or weakness, or you will lose the best of them.

Talking Face-to-Face Is Becoming A Lost Art

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I have never understood cafes which actually cater to the “I don’t want to talk to anyone” types who hog tables and chairs for hours while they play with their laptops or Kindles or cell phones or iPads.  I guess some café owners permit this (and even offer free use of computers) in order to get business.  Yeah…business.  One group of people sitting for hours can’t possibly bring in more revenue than a constant flow of sippers and munchers who stay for short periods of time.

When I walk into a café and see these hulks buried in cyberspace, I usually turn and leave.

One day, my husband and I took a motorcycle ride and decided to stop in Arroyo Grande, California for breakfast.  The area had a small “old town” feel to it, with roosters walking in the street.  We went into the café and everyone was talking!  Whenever someone new walked in, it was “Hi” all around.  Nice.

Walking around the streets of most cities, you’ll often see people on cell phones, texting or talking to themselves (otherwise known as talking through their “Look Ma, no hands” Bluetooth devices). 

It’s not nice to not interact.

Café Grumpy, in New York’s Chelsea neighborhood, banned laptops and cell phones.  Besides the smell of coffee, the sound of people actually talking to each other fills the air.  In the late afternoons, people are writing on paper, reading print newspapers, and lingering over books in a corner.  The owner makes the rounds, talking to these solo patrons.  Person to person contact is made.

Humanity is resurrected…resistance is futile.