Talking Face-to-Face Is Becoming A Lost Art

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I have never understood cafes which actually cater to the “I don’t want to talk to anyone” types who hog tables and chairs for hours while they play with their laptops or Kindles or cell phones or iPads.  I guess some café owners permit this (and even offer free use of computers) in order to get business.  Yeah…business.  One group of people sitting for hours can’t possibly bring in more revenue than a constant flow of sippers and munchers who stay for short periods of time.

When I walk into a café and see these hulks buried in cyberspace, I usually turn and leave.

One day, my husband and I took a motorcycle ride and decided to stop in Arroyo Grande, California for breakfast.  The area had a small “old town” feel to it, with roosters walking in the street.  We went into the café and everyone was talking!  Whenever someone new walked in, it was “Hi” all around.  Nice.

Walking around the streets of most cities, you’ll often see people on cell phones, texting or talking to themselves (otherwise known as talking through their “Look Ma, no hands” Bluetooth devices). 

It’s not nice to not interact.

Café Grumpy, in New York’s Chelsea neighborhood, banned laptops and cell phones.  Besides the smell of coffee, the sound of people actually talking to each other fills the air.  In the late afternoons, people are writing on paper, reading print newspapers, and lingering over books in a corner.  The owner makes the rounds, talking to these solo patrons.  Person to person contact is made.

Humanity is resurrected…resistance is futile.

Pleasant Surprises

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A few weekends ago, my husband and I rode our motorcycles out for lunch, something we do regularly.  As we were preparing to leave for a post-lunch ride, a woman pulled up in her car to ask me about my (I’ll admit it) beautiful motorcycle.  The overall mural on the bike is gorgeous:  a free-flowing, hand-painted, artistically brilliant representation, combining Hell’s Angels and patriotic themes.

We engaged in conversation, and she commented that, at 83, she didn’t think she could get into motorcycles.  I suggested a trike.  Anyway, she told me she’d been a journalist and had interviewed a motorcycle gang quite a few years ago, and offered to send me the text.  When I gave her my contact information, she slooowllly looked up at me, and practically sneered my name:  “YOU are Dr. Laura?”  I said: “Yup.”  She immediately said, “I don’t agree with most of what you have to say.”  I responded:  “See my husband over there?  He doesn’t agree with everything I have to say either…but he still loves me.”

She looked at him, then looked at me, and a smile crept onto her face.

She sent me her article.  I invited her to dinner.  She accepted, and wrote back that most everyone who knew her would be shocked to learn we might become friends.  She came to dinner, and the first thing out of her mouth was to tell me she’d walked out of a talk I’d given a few years back.  I said nothing in response.  She then said (and this was even before bread and salad!) I seemed so different in person and so mean otherwise.  Again, I said nothing in response.  I did, however, pass the margarine.

I’m convinced too much of the time it has become more natural to dislike the person whose message is counter to your preference than it is to simply agree to disagree, or congenially debate without hate.  However, hate has become the current means of dealing with differences of opinion.

I give her lots of props, because she decided to go past the knee-jerk reaction of “shooting the messenger” to form her own opinion.

It was a pleasant evening after that.  She’s a world traveler and has met some of the most incredible people (good and bad) in history.  Her stories were fascinating.  After two hours, she left with an invitation to dinner at her home.  I’m looking forward to it. 

I don’t agree with most of what she supports either, but she is an open, charming, delightful woman, and I do hope we can become friends.  If we limit our interactions to the “choir,” life becomes quite dull.

What To Do About People Who Annoy You

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There is no doubt in my mind we all have someone in our lives who is downright annoying – it seems to be just one of those facts of life.  It’s your reactions to those people that concerns me.  So many of you write me or call me about how upset you get and how your feelings are hurt when you encounter that annoying individual. 

So stop a moment and ask yourself :  “Why?”  Why are you overreacting to “annoying?”  Annoying is not vicious.  Annoying is about the other person being insensitive, jealous, inadequate (and therefore critical), lonely (and therefore attempting to be involved)…stuff like that.

You need to distinguish “annoying”  from “mean.”  “Mean” is to be avoided; the negative content of “annoying” is to be ignored.  Here’s what I mean:

You go to a relative or friend’s home and they comment about your hair, clothes, kid, lifestyle, eating habits, etc.  You can get all upset, OR you can say “Oh, you’re so cute…” and give them a hug.  Let it be at that. 

Surprise and confusion are the most powerful weapons:  not anger or tears.  And nothing surprises someone who is being critical more than a hug and a smile.  It may seem difficult for you to imagine doing that but two things are instantly accomplished:

1.  You don’t feel as bad because you’re behaving nicely, and behavior has a direct effect on feelings!
2. The other person is taken by surprise (i.e., your showing affection), and finds it more difficult to remain negative or critical toward you – it just becomes too awkward.  So remember….surprise and confusion!

No one who is annoying expects anything except your bowing to their attempt at power or relevance.  Affection with humor has you keeping the power.

Try it.  With a smile, of course!

Sandbagging is Not What You Do in Baseball

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“Sandbagging” is a term used to describe an awful thing to do to another person, where you collect years of grievances of all sizes and dump them on someone all at once.  There is nothing they can do about all these supposed “slings and arrows” as they are history.  The context is gone, the possible provocation is ignored, and the amalgam of complaints is impossible to dissect and respond to.  Basically, all that is left is for the target of the sandbagging to attack back or divorce themselves from you.

The point is that sandbagging never results in resolution or redress.  It just results in the feeling of being disdained and betrayed.

I believe that people sandbag when 1) they simply want to hurt someone else, 2) want to get superiority over another, and/or 3) desire not to take responsibility for their contribution to the problem.

I recently told one caller that she needed to apologize to her mother-in-law for sandbagging, whether or not any or all of the complaints had some modicum of validity.  The relationship is destroyed with the sandbagging.  There is rarely any coming back from being hit with one.  The hurt, anger, and feeling of betrayal and blunt humiliation cannot possibly result in any understanding or compassion for the complainer.

I asked this caller to apologize for sandbagging, to admit she was simply frustrated over some things and didn’t have the courage to face them together, and, in general, just bombed the heck out of her.  She agreed to do what I suggested, thankfully.

There are no excuses, folks.  Don’t tell yourself you’re justified to sandbag because you’ve been hurt, and never hit back with more than you’ve been hit with.  An “eye for an eye” does not mean eyeballs will be rolling.  It means that you must not punish greater than the insult.  In other words, you can’t extract a “life” for an “eye.”

Communication is everything, as humans are not clairvoyant beings.  You must let somebody know what they said or did that hurt your feelings and what they can do to repair the situation.  It is all too often true that whatever you feel is hurtful is your sensitivity and not necessarily their intent.  You need to be open to hearing that, too.

What It Means to Be A True Friend

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Two of the aspects of human behavior that cement friendships (which are important for emotional well being) are sensitivity and compassion.  I had a recent experience with a friend that is so illustrative of those qualities that I wanted to share it with you.

I had an upsetting change in my life lately – not earth-shattering, but upsetting all the same.  I shared it with my friend who was (I thought) sufficiently responsive to the situation.  She called later that evening and told me she owed me an apology!  For the life of me, I couldn’t imagine what she’d done that required an apology.  She went on to say she knew this “change” was sad for me, and she regretted she hadn’t been more responsive.  She explained she was driving and distracted, and felt she gave it “short shrift.”  She then went on to give me some very thoughtful and supportive feedback concerning my situation.

I teared up.  Truthfully, I was satisfied with her first response.  But I was blown away by her concern for my feelings and her sense of responsibility as a dear friend to pay more attention to administering support and understanding.  THAT IS A GREAT FRIEND!

One time at breakfast, she mentioned at some point she would probably do or say something that annoyed me.  I laughed, and said “You already have!”  We laughed together.  I went on to say, “You are such a special person and friend that annoyances don’t even matter.”

Everyone has quirks.  But when someone takes the time – when you take the time – to consider what your friend may need, and do your best to supply what a friend can, you probably have a special place in heaven with your name on it.

If not, you have a special place in the heart of the person who calls you…friend.

When You’re Bored, You’re Boring

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Quite a few recent calls to my radio program involve people who are dealing with the problem of being bored, and as many of you have heard me say many times – people who are bored are usually boring.  Either you can choose to be like a cork in the ocean, waiting for a wave or swell to elevate your mood or you can be pro-active and/or philosophical.

Pro-active means that you actually take control of your existence and do something which engages you, is generous, works up your sweat, adrenaline, and endorphins, or which challenges you to be inventive, creative and operating outside of the  box.

Philosophical means that you reframe your perspective.  For example, a nurse called to complain that she seems to get a higher percentage of the most difficult patients than others on the nursing staff.  She felt put upon.  I suggested that this was because she was the most competent to deal with such patients, but she countered with, “Well, I’m getting burned out.”  I then suggested that she make sure that she freshens up her brain and body with fun times, exercise, and friends.

A number of women who have exactly what they wanted in live (a husband, a home, children, and the freedom to be at home) have called to say they are overwhelmed and under motivated.  From a philosophical standpoint, motivation is more of a pop psych requirement of correct behavior than a true necessity.  For example, how do you motivate yourself to go into combat or a burning building in order to rescue people, or into surgery when you know there’s only a minimal chance of survival for the patient, but the procedure is their last, best hope?

We do what we must do/should do, because we have accepted that responsibility.  If everyone in a position of responsibility waited to “feeeeel” motivated, nothing would ever get done! 

I tell these women that if they behaved as though they were motivated, they would simply enjoy their lives more.  Waiting around for a trigger is passive and useless. 

From a pro-active standpoint, that means getting friends, hobbies and creating physical challenges, as well as acting like the kind of woman they would want to come home to.  If they do that, their husbands would come screeching through the door with enthusiasm.

So, if you’re bored, you’re being boring.  Get philosophical.  Get pro-active.  Don’t wait for a feeling – create a better mini-universe without whining, complaining, or feeling sorry for yourself. 

Remember the days of washboards and manual television controls?  No? Too bad.  You would then have the other “P” word:  perspective.

Sometimes Dark Clouds DO Have Silver Linings

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Did you see the theatrical movie “The Butterfly Effect?”  Well, you should.  Without giving the whole movie away, it’s about changing past bad things.  The assumption is always made (optimistically) that if you could the past, only good will come out of it, starting with the exclusion of that “bad thing.”  Things, however, do not necessarily roll that way.

This past weekend, my husband and I went on a motorcycle ride with a friend of ours who had recently broken up with her “multi-year” boyfriend.  It was her birthday, and I brought her a “Happy Birthday” cupcake, sewed her a “Dia de los Muertos” purse that she had wanted, and we treated her to lunch.  We were having a great time, and it was my turn to make the iced tea birthday toast. 

We raised our glasses and I said:  “I’m sad for you that you’ve gone through such pain recently, but if you had not gone with him in the first place, we wouldn’t have met you, and you wouldn’t have purchased your own Harley, and we wouldn’t be sitting here today as such good friends.  So, no sad moment here. We love you, and happy birthday.”

If I could go back and change history and have them not meet at all, then all the good that came out of it would be gone:

1. Her getting emotionally stronger
2. Her getting her own motorcycle (which she loves and drives all the time).
3. Us becoming good friends.
4. Us taking a beautiful scenic ride and having a wonderful lunch.

 ….all of this WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN.

The moral of this story?  Don’t totally rue the “bad stuff.”  Perhaps it’s just fertilizer for what will grow next.

Stay Out! Leave Me Alone!

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Being a parent of a teenager can be trying.  Especially if you’ve got one who essentially locks herself in her room most of the time:

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.