Texting As An Obsession

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I remember when people wrote long, heartfelt letters in longhand.  Then came the typewriter, which helped us lose the beauty of the handwritten word with lovely penmanship.  Then the telephone came along, where early “party lines” enabled snoopy neighbors to overhear your spoken sentiments.  After that, we had the fax machine which cut out the middleman in quick delivery.  Then emails quickly took control - you could write and write and get an almost instant response.  No waiting in anticipation at your mailbox for weeks hoping for that personal connection you started and which you hoped would be closed with a return missive.

And now we have devolved even more into text messaging.  Now, don’t get me wrong - I text message about five times each day, on average.  I do it for a quick alert - it’s better than hawks or carrier pigeons.  As far as interpersonal intimacy is concerned, however, there is none, except for “sexting,” which is anything but cherished intimacy.

A survey on the website mashable.com highlighted this ever-diminishing level of interest in true personal contact and showed:

For people under the age of 25:

 49% think it’s perfectly okay to text while eating
 24%….while using the toilet
 10%…while having sex [not to be confused with real sexual intimacy]

For people over the age of 25:

 27% think it’s okay to text while eating
 12%…while using the toilet
   6% …while having sex.

This brings multi-tasking to a new low.

I realize the younger generation believes valuing certain things like privacy and modesty is “old fashioned,” and these sorts of compulsive texting practices are harmless and they don’t see themselves as rude, inconsiderate or clueless, but when they turn 40 and have children, it’s amazing how many of them finally see the negativity in diminishing true intimacy and needing incessant and relatively meaningless interaction just for the sake of thinking they’re important, or because they don’t want a moment of “boredom,” or because they’re just making a frantic attempt to distract themselves from life’s responsibilities, obligations, challenges and fears.

Not being able to concentrate fully on one task, one in-depth interaction/conversation, not seeing important life experiences as serious and sacred is a problem.

Parents with minor children have a responsibility to help children curb their out-of-control impulses, whatever they are.  Make sure you have a contract with your phone provider that allows for up to 10-15 texts per day instead of the average of 100 texts per day kids are doing now.  Have them pick and choose what is most important to them to use up those precious texts.  Have them learn something about prioritizing and budgeting and making choices using some deep thought.

Parents, this is YOUR JOB:  to teach your children to moderate behavior in appropriate ways, or else you turn out-of-control children into out-of-control adults, for whom a million texts will be the way they measure their worth and their daily happiness.

Say No to Family Blogs

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Today’s blog is from a listener and is a follow-up to a call she made to me on my radio program, but it could apply to any family:

I spoke with you…about my discouragement with my family relationships that have resulted from me blogging on my private family blog.  I was extremely shocked by your passionate response that I should shut the blog down and cease to communicate with others in that manner.

While at first I battled my defensive justifications as to why I should still blog, I wanted to thank you for helping me to look at the matter in a completely new light.  As I have pondered the situation, I have discovered some important elements I had not thought of before, mainly ‘Why Blogs Are Not Great Ways to Maintain Relationships:’”

1.  We don’t usually communicate in that way with people when we speak face-to-face.  In regular conversations with our friends or family, there should be an equal give and take.  You share; they listen.  Blog posts are typically one-sided conversations, where sharing ideas and thoughts don’t happen.  Yes, you can comment, but comments are typically short, on topic, and do not typically result in a sincerely valuable conversation.
2.  It’s not personalized to the individual to whom we are speaking, and can therefore come across as insensitive.

When I talk to someone face-to-face, I filter and screen my topics and thoughts according to the closeness of the relationship, as well as what their life situation might be.  With a blog audience (even a private one), my relationship closeness still varies widely.  In real life conversations, I would be more aware of what I share and with whom I choose to share it.  In addition, if I’m talking to a friend of mine who has struggled with infertility, I probably wouldn’t go on and on about how much I love being a mother and raising a baby.  She’s been trying to have a baby for several years, and is quite discouraged about that.  It would be rude and inconsiderate of me to do that.

Even though the topics we blog about may be neutral and positive, because we are not considering the personalized audience, we can often unknowingly offend people and likely even damage existing relationships.  Because we may not be considering the closeness of our relationships, we may be sharing things that are better left enjoyed and shared only with those closest to us.

Thank you for helping me see a different side.  I’ve taken an early retirement from blogging, and already am excited at the freedom I feel, and the prospect of maintaining and strengthening my relationships through good old-fashioned one-on -one personalized communication.

Sincerely,

B.

America’s Most Important Issues

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Last week, I logged on to Google’s Blog Search just to see what some of the latest issues Americans seem to be concerned about.  Here are the ten most important issues on American minds last week (based upon “action” to these website stories, whatever that means):

1. Number One:  The results for American Idol.  God help us all.  “…Casey James was sent home, making way for shy rocker Lee DeWyze and earthy mama Crystal Bowersox to duke it out in the Season 9 finale.”  As I have never watched American Idol - ever, I have no clue who these people are, but apparently America is more concerned with them than any other story or event in the United States.

2. Number Two had some worldwide importance.  Apparently, there is or was a Facebook group that posted “Everybody Draw Mohammed Day,” which was in reaction to the apparent Islamic response (death threats) to anyone depicting Mohammed in any form.  Pakistan banned Facebook, because of this particular group which was testing the concept of free speech.  While this is still censorship, at least it wasn’t pushing for murder.

3. Number Three:  Megan Fox won’t be appearing in Transformers 3.   And….???

4. Number Four:  The President of Mexico trashed Arizona for policing its borders against the influx of illegal aliens from his country.  He did this at the White House, with President Obama smiling by his side.  I was fascinated to read about President Calderon’s comments against Arizona bearing the brunt of the expense of illegal aliens and finally fighting back within the law.  He was basically missing the point:  PEOPLE ARE DYING TO GET OUR OF HIS COUNTRY, and Obama is suggesting that the USA not be a sovereign state.  Well, my answer is to annex Mexico and finally make use of the resources to support their own people without violent drug wars and corruption.  I’m not sure Obama and Calderon actually read the Arizona law, which forbids profiling.

5. Number Five:  North Korea fired a torpedo that killed 46 and sank a Korean naval warship.  This is Korea’s worst military disaster since the Korean War.  Does anybody still laugh at the “axis of evil” comment of a prior president?

6. Number Six:  Google unveils the Chrome web store, and something about a Sports Illustrated app.  I’d say more about these technological advances if I understood them.

7. Number Seven:  Google launches Open Web M web video format based on VP8….huh?

8. Number Eight:  Kentucky’s senatorial candidate Rand Paul and Trey Grayson play “telephone.”  The burning question:  did Rand Paul (the victor in last Tuesday’s GOP Senate primary in Kentucky, diss the man he defeated?  Well, I guess if you’re unhappy about who won this race, find something to criticize.

9. Number Nine:  The mascots for the London 2012 Olympic Games are unveiled.  Ahh….you figure out what the heck they are.

10.  Number Ten:  And this will be very upsetting:  Actress Amanda Seyfried and actor Dominic Cooper have split up - evidently, he’s been fooling around with Lindsay Lohan at the Cannes Film Festival.  Over all these stories, this makes me the saddest - not because Amanda’s feelings are hurt, but because enough Americans cared about this situation to make it into the top ten.

Using the Web to Get Revenge

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In a recent radio interview, I discussed the issue of “webtribution,” a term coined by Elizabeth Bernstein in The Wall Street Journal to describe people who use the Internet to get revenge - i.e., publicly to hurt another human being with whom they are not happy.

The Internet is anonymous, immediate, and gratifying in the moment.  In human history, vengeance is not unfamiliar - people haven’t changed that much.  Their means of delivering pain has evolved from poison, duels, clever rumors, and Machiavellian manipulation to the world wide web.  In some ways, damaging someone’s reputation is akin to murdering them, as their reputation is devastated world-wide and forever, making it difficult for them to function in private relationships as well as in the community and at work.

To quote The Wall Street Journal:  “Most of us have heard of someone posting naked photos of an ‘ex’ online.  Or writing nasty reviews for a restaurant or book, not because they dislike the product, but because they dislike the person who created it.  Or signing up an acquaintance for [unwanted] e-mail advertising lists.” 

My opinion is that it should be illegal, as it is immoral, to post information or opinion about people without identifying yourself.  Obviously, it is also cowardly.  Google and all other such carriers should not permit anonymity.  That would immediately change the complexion of what is posted, and I don’t think they’d lose business, except from those who use the Internet for evil (terrorists of the international and interpersonal kind). 

Wife Turns in Pedophile Husband

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I remember when the Unabomber was caught.  There was an uproar of indignation concerning the fact that it was his brother who “ratted” him out.  When his brother saw the published ramblings of the serial murderer known as the “Unabomber,” he recognized the sentiments, mentality, and writing style of his brother, and informed the police.  If memory serves me right, The Los Angeles Times had either an editorial or an op-ed piece castigating the brother for essentially “turning on blood.”

That was a morally repugnant point of view.  Protecting the innocent against evil is the responsibility of every human being, regardless of the “job description” of the evildoer - in this case, a sibling.

Fortunately, in England, a wife of twenty years understood her responsibility to others (in this case, children), and set aside emotional pain and potential embarrassment.  She set out to trap her husband, whom she suspected of being a pedophile.  Apparently, her husband chatted with teenagers as he groomed them for sex.

The wife pretended to be a 14 year old girl, and caught him in the act.  She was in the neighboring living room while he was in his study sweating over a hot computer, setting “her” up for a meeting to have sex.  He also used a webcam to carry out sex acts and send the videos over the Internet.  Our plucky wife watched this in absolute disgust and horror.

She then contacted police who seized his computer.  She didn’t march into his study to confront him, cry, or threaten.  Like a good citizen, she just turned it all over to the authorities.  GOOD FOR HER!

He only received three years of community service and was banned indefinitely from having access in person or online to children under the age of 18.  He also had to register as a sex offender, and, oh yes, she divorced him.

“I did the right thing, and I don’t regret it.  Now I just need some time to think and put this all behind me,” she said to a reporter.

She should have gotten a medal.

Giving Birth In Front of an Audience

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During my college years in the Sixties, “empowerment” and “consciousness-raising” were the main focus of existence, even though these concepts were largely used to insist that you were a victim of something or someone just for being female.

Well, fast forward to now, and one young, married woman in her twenties has decided that giving birth live on the Internet is empowering to women!  The use of that term in this circumstance cracks me up.  I remember, during my loooong labor, my husband saying that he was going to leave to get a cup of coffee.  I threatened him with “if you leave…never come back!!”  I guess that threat was “empowerment,” but giving birth in public or private is one of our least powerful times.  We are completely at the mercy of a baby who is usually saying “Hell, no, I won’t go.”

Nonetheless, this woman has decided that taking something personal and making it public is empowering and educational and spreading joy.  Oh, puleeze!  In our sadly growing exhibitionist, voyeuristic, reality show mentality of a society, this is how people become “important,” known, and “famous.”

The point of “personal” is that something is perfected by its modesty, and sharing is not an issue of public promotion, but an opportunity for a few people to embrace a meaningful moment of experience.  Experiences and moments that are universal (like child-bearing) are not educational.  The childbirth is going to be posted on a mom website, which means that they’ve all been there and done that.

Her husband is marginalized.  She admits that he was “hesitant” at first, but I’m sure he ultimately had no say.  There aren’t too many decent men who want to share the birth of their first child with a camera crew and a blog audience - that makes Daddy less special and less involved.

It’s all just sad to me.  And what happens after the event, when the thrill, the attention and adrenaline of being in the spotlight goes away?  What is she going to do with this kid to keep the flow going?  Think Jon and Kate.  Think “sad” for the children who become the means of their parents’ moment in the light, in ways other than simply enjoying their first smiles and first steps.

It’s Not Easy Being a Good Parent in the Digital Age

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I’m turning my blog today over to Kim Komando.  She is a nationally syndicated talk show host, focusing on the Internet and digital consumer electronics.  Kim and I whole-heartedly believe in protecting children and below she details some very important points parents need to be aware of in this digital age.

It’s Not Easy Being a Good Parent in the Digital Age
Kim Komando

I received a call on my national radio show a few weeks ago. A concerned father wanted to know about a particular site on the Internet where his 11-year-old son was chatting online. It seemed harmless. His son created a cartoon-like representation of himself called an avatar.

Dad approved of it. But soon, the son was buying virtual goods for his avatar. Dad took a closer look at what his little boy was about to purchase. Good thing; they were sex toys.

Far too often, parents don’t get involved with their children’s online activities until something bad happens. They dismiss the warning signs. They don’t monitor what the kids are doing because they don’t have the time, their child would never do that, or some other lame excuse.

I am still astounded by the parents who don’t want to invade their child’s privacy. They don’t think it is right to snoop on their child’s Web travels, e-mail and text messages. They usually liken it to reading a teenager’s hidden diary. “No one should do that,” they say.

If only it were that simple.

With the Internet now in our homes and on our phones, this wonderful digital world has brought the inappropriate and criminal elements directly into our lives. What seems harmless and fun can quickly turn into a pedophile’s dream and a parent’s nightmare.

For instance, you may be unaware of Web sites where kids use Webcams. In effect, they broadcast live video and audio from their bedrooms. The people using the live broadcasting sites can watch them. They can leave comments. You can bet pedophiles are watching them, too.

Pedophiles have actually helped kids set up sites. They have arranged credit card acceptance through online payment sites. The children perform sex acts, broadcast with Webcams. The pedophiles pay to watch.

The other day my 8-year-old son Ian received a text-message from his friend John. John wanted to know if he downloaded a particular free game from iTunes. The rule in my home is that before anything gets downloaded, Ian and I learn more about it. I need to approve it.

The game these two boys were talking about had a plot something like this: A convicted felon escapes from prison. He is roaming the streets of downtown Los Angeles. He needs to make money to survive and go on missions. To do this, he has to kill people.

Needless to say, that game didn’t make it onto his phone.

Social-networking sites are less dangerous. But you still have to watch what children say. They have profiles. Be sure they’re not including their phone numbers and addresses.

Again, the best protection is alert parents. Don’t wait for trouble! Be proactive!

Need some help? Here are tips to help you get in front of the issues.

* Find out if sex offenders live in your area http://www.komando.com/kids/tip.aspx?id=2306
* Cell phone plans that put you in control and even tell you where the phone is located http://www.komando.com/kids/tip.aspx?id=3861
* Figure out text messaging lingo http://www.komando.com/kids/tip.aspx?id=3496
* Control kids iTunes use http://www.komando.com/kids/tip.aspx?id=4092
* The free tool that I use to block inappropriate content in my home http://www.komando.com/tips/index.aspx?id=6501

The Kim Komando Show (www.komando.com) is the largest nationally syndicated weekend talk radio show. Kim Komando focuses on the Internet and digital consumer electronics. Komando also distributes the Kim Komando Digital Minute, a one-minute consumer update on digital news.  

Families Need a No Wireless Zone

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“Technology is the Evil Empire, Bent On Destroying Family Intimacy!” That’s the headline I’d like to put on this post, but guns don’t shoot people - people shoot people - so technology is not destroying families. People are destroying their own families.

The technology I’m talking about is texting, video gaming, Facebook, email, Twitter, MySpace and more. Remember when the only complaint about lack of communication in families was when family members were all in separate rooms watching different television programs? Well, now, family members can all be in the same room, totally ignoring each other for the sake of fake friends and useless information, instead of for family conversations. Some family members even text each other from different parts of the same home, rather than walk the 15 feet, hug, and talk to each other.

I remember the not-so-recent TV ads that promoted a family eating dinner together. Now, if you showed an ad with a family at the dinner table, there’d have to be a sign nearby that said “No Wireless Zone.” I wonder what depth of interaction is being missed because one is getting superficial “quickies” from texting or emailing or Facebooking?  On the other hand, I already know that we’re less able to engage in reasoned, significant discourse and profound intimacies these days, because, from the age of 4 or 5, we’re geared toward the superficial, faceless exchange of comments on each other’s web pages.

Parents, you must get yourselves into gear and limit the amount of time per day donated to the wireless world outside of work. Otherwise, over time, there’ll be no need for lips and vocal cords and eye contact, and we’ll evolve into “thumbs only” beings who just peck away with a false sense of actually participating in the real world.