Category Archives: Love

Why Men Are Failing

I read in an article in Slate by a professor in the Sociology Department at the University of Texas at Austin. I had some problems with some of his explanations, but the main point is so right on! Women and girls today are, by and large, really stupid about love and sex. As I have said so many times to women who have called my radio show:“Why are you acting like an unpaid whore? Whatever happened to wanting to be on a pedestal?”

Women in America are the freest of any women in the world and they make stupid choices without thinking about the consequences to their lives and the out-of-wedlock kids or the wedlock kids, and then the divorce.

The article is called “Sex is Cheap: Why Young Men Have the Upper Hand in Bed, Even When They’re Failing in Life.” I’ve always said it’s the women who decide the level of morality in a society. What women will and won’t do is the line in the sand.

Women used to take some pride in deciding with whom and when they would have sex. In the animal kingdom, males have to fight and dance in order to qualify to have sex with the females – they either have to fight other males for access, or they have to enthrall the female somehow, which is one of the reasons males of the species are usually prettier than the females. Male birds are usually more colorful, because they need to impress to get the girl. There are species in which males have to make an entire nest or the female won’t be bothered! Critters whose brains are a microscopic percentage of human brains, with little or no gray matter, seem to have better sense when it’s instinctive, as opposed to when there is freedom of choice.

As women have gotten weaker and stupider, more kids are born out-of-wedlock, and there’s more chaos, violence, and drug use so more kids are ADHD because their lives are total chaos. 

Yes, I blame it on the women, and I am a woman. We are the ones who determine everything when it comes to relationships. A guy used to have to get down on one knee, convince your parents he was worthy and could support a family, had to court you for at least a year and a half, then maybeyou’d say “yes” if you thought he’d make a quality husband and father. Now, women just drop their pants if it’s Tuesday….or Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday.

So this article is pretty interesting, because it says young men are failing to adapt to contemporary life, but the author thinks it’s all supply and demand. He has good arguments, but I don’t agree with them. I think we’ve just had a generalized destruction of the fabric of society. You can hardly find a commercial on TV that doesn’t use blatant, meaningless sexuality to sell a product. Children are brought up to think this is normal.

Any woman who volunteers to NOT be on a pedestal is stupid. She is missing out on something adorable and sweet – a man wooing, wanting, and working to earn her. Now, women have a date and a half and are on their backs or on their knees. Women are putting perfectly good prostitutes out of business. At least the commitment those “working girls” get is money. Now “good girls” will do it for nothing, just to be there.

What makes all this horrible is the number of girls who get knocked up, and either have the baby sucked into a sink or believe they can handle it themselves. The kids have no dad and no extended family structure. It’s all very sad, and it’s overwhelmingly the fault of the woman, because we’re the ones making these decisions. Unless it is assaultive criminal rape, we make these decisions. We get drunk, we get naked, we do whatever, and then we generalize it and justify it in some stupid way, but basically speaking, that’s it.

So young men aren’t working hard anymore, and their failures in life aren’t penalizing them in the bedroom. Ironically (and I’ve pointed this out many times), being so sexually successful hinders a man’s drive to achieve in life. It used to be a well-known statistic men who are married, have children, and work hard to support their families are more successful than single dudes, because they have something to live for and to work for. Guys don’t have that anymore. They have women who aren’t expecting them to be more or to do more.

Cheap sex is what women settle for, and that’s what they get. When they are not respected, they’re not adored, they’re not revered, they’re not loved, they’re not really wanted, and they’re not on a pedestal. Then do you know what they do?

They bitch.

The Bonds of Marriage

Last weekend, I went to Kimberly’s wedding (she screens your calls every weekday on my radio program). This is what I experienced:

* A room full of loving people from two families, and lots of friends, all happy and excited for and about the bride and groom.
* A lovely ceremony outdoors in the sun, overlooking a beautiful mountain terrain.
* A groom whose tear ducts flowed uncontrollably the second he saw the  bride walking down the aisle in her beautiful white gown and veil.
* A bride glowing with joy and giggling with pleasure.
* A man who verbalized his promise to lay down his life for his wife; stating out loud his commitment to listen, understand, support, protect, provide,  and love her for the rest of his life.
* A woman who verbalized her promise to respect, support, understand, listen, and love her man for the rest of her life.
* The feeling that they both meant it.
* A lovely kiss.
* Guests blowing bubbles as they walked back up the aisle while they held onto each other (both just glowing).
* Photographs of them that their families put together which showed them from their respective births to their wedding day.
* A father/daughter dance; a mother/son dance with the parents moved to tears.
* A father singing to his daughter about being her “first love,” and shaking the hand of the man who would protect her and love her from this day  forward.
* The happy couple leaving for their honeymoon – to take time out to just be together in their new roles as husband and wife, and to celebrate their public and personal vows.

They will come back from their honeymoon and move into the home they both took the time to (individually) save up for before they married, and he will settle into the job that he took the time to train for and establish before he proposed marriage.  They took the time to really get to know one another and their families.  They took their time individually to be ready to take care of each other and their marriage in emotional and practical ways.

Do you still want to try to convince me or yourself that SHACKING UP is the same as marriage?

The Benefits of Flirting

I got a wonderful email from Sylvia, which I want to share with you all:
 
Dr. Laura:
 
This is a lesson my mother taught me, but I thought you would approve of her very good advice.
 
I am a southern “belle.”  Though I have lived all over the world and do not possess the characteristic lilting southern drawl, I am, in fact, a belle through and through.  When raised as a girl in the south, you learn (amongst other things) a true appreciation of the beauty and power of words.  We southern girls are thoroughly schooled in the art and craft of words.  We learn, very young, how to paint a picture with words.  We learn to exploit the rhythm and cadence of language.  We speak softly in order to draw in our listener (thus focusing all attention on ourselves).  Really – who doesn’t like a whisper?  We speak slowly, because anticipation makes everything more enjoyable.  Really – who doesn’t like to be made to wait…just a little?
 
I will often send my husband an email designed to make the air around him stand still.  I can still make his mouth water with just words.  I can make his mind linger and dwell on me all day, with just a softly spoken sentence as he leaves for work in the morning.  Sometimes, in the afternoon, I’ll call him up just to say “I was daydreaming about you just now.  I was remembering how sweet you are and how you still make my heart beat faster.”  This is not just some idle exercise.  This is the ultimate investment in my family.  This is what makes my husband anxious to get home to me, even after fifteen years.
 
Through flirting, I reap a harvest of sweetness, kindness, gentleness and playfulness.  Flirting is a gift we give to each other. It keeps alive the sweetness and excitement of our early dating days.  Flirting is like a gentle touch.  It is stroking the ego of the one you love.  It is titillation pure and simple.  It is foreplay with words and humor.  Flirting is the secret that all other women know.  Flirting is the difference between “ho-hum” and “hot!”  It is something you miss when it’s lacking and you often don’t even realize it.  Flirting captures the mind, and where the mind goes, the body soon follows.
 
So ladies, flirt with your husband.  Here, let me help you out:  send an email to the one you love today and simply say “I thought of you today.  I thought that if you were a book, then I would like to read you and re-read you, over and over again.”
 
You see, when you give sweetness, you get so much more back.

Why Celebrate Valentine’s Day?

People have all sorts of reactions when Valentine’s Day comes around – some think it’s too commercialized, and others get hurt if they don’t get the traditional flowers or candy or card.  Still others don’t think it should be observed at all.  I think it’s time to recall the important reasons to celebrate:

Video: Why Celebrate Valentine's Day

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

Resisting Irresistible Impulses

I always look for patterns in callers’ questions, because I’m interested in what that pattern means in terms of what folks have come to believe…and why.  A persistent thought seems to be that impulse is irresistible.  That means, if you feel like a burger or a cigarette or a roll in the hay with someone you know you shouldn’t be with, then you have some kind of addiction, which means a disease, which means out of your control.

That’s a darn good rationalization…but it ain’t true.  The only irresistible impulse is one which hasn’t been resisted, and that is most definitely (but not simply) a choice.

I say “not simply,” because resisting impulses is difficult and sometimes painful.  Generally, such inappropriate behaviors have the purpose of 1) immediate gratification of feelings, and 2) hiding you from other emotionally distressing thoughts and feelings.  That means that, if you resist the impulse to drink, eat, or have a sexual fling in the office stationery closet, you will be left with the anxiety or sadness that resides within.

It is clear, therefore, that the emphasis should be on dealing with the not-so-well submerged anxieties and sadness.  For example, a man called recently to say that he is mean to his wife, criticizing anything he sees around the house.  I immediately suggested that he saw the cluttered kitchen counter as a sign his wife didn’t love him.  Now, you’d think that was a ridiculous leap, but it was “spot on.”  He (after some nagging from me) offered that his mother had not been, well, “motherly” and loving.  To this day, he has his wife do things to prove/make up for the lack of affection and attention he missed as a child.  Did he know he was doing this and why?  Yes for the “doing;” no for the “why.”

I suggested he go home with a flower in hand and tell his wife that he needed her to hold him.  I told him that’s what “his woman” was for.  You can always hire a maid, but you can’t hire someone to really love and care about you.  He was treating his wife like his mom, when he really needed her to be a wife with loving kindness.

You get love by being open to it, and by being loving in return.  You do not get love by eating that cake, smoking that joint, drinking that beer or overpowering those who care about you. 

Resist those impulses.  Yes, it’s painful and difficult, both physically and emotionally, but the ultimate reward is the very thing you’ve been trying to get (just all in the wrong way), and that thing is LOVE.

“The Bachelor” Is NOT A Guide for Real Relationships

When the so-called “mainstream media” carries a story, one used to surmise that the information was actually important in some significant way to Americans.  We all know that’s largely untrue:  stories today are attempts to splash the water in your face to get attention for ratings and commercial time or space revenue.

ABC News actually had someone from their “ABC News Medical Unit” on to discuss the heartbreak of losing on the program The Bachelor.  It seems that this guy first announced that he was “hot” for one babe, but them changed his mind, season ending “cliff-hanger” style) and went for another babe.  He proposed, then changed his mind, and went back to the first of the two dumped babes. That set off fireworks with some silly blog site that targets I-don’t-know-what-kind-of-women who actually care about this pseudo-intimacy.

One of the dumb issues involved in this nonsense is that the babes have signed contracts that say they aren’t allowed to cry or whine about hurt feelings until the appropriate time in the unfolding saga.  They actually got “shrinks” to opine about the emotional and psychological damage that can be done to these silly babes (who I define as pretty women who exploit their looks and desire their 15 minutes of fame by going on these not-really-reality shows to find the love of their lives and the father of their future 84 children) if they don’t get to “vent” their hurt!

Oh, puleeze.  First of all, this guy shows all the bonding ability of a flea in heat; these girls act like it’s the end of the world if this “please me now/please me not” joker doesn’t want them.  Frankly, I think the jilted girl should go down on her knees and praise God that she won’t be stuck with this guy for five more minutes of her life…unless, of course, he changes his rotating little mind again.

The shrinks talk about serious consequences of getting to know someone and then getting excluded.  Let’s say the truth:  they all want to look good, win the money, get TV/movie/recording contracts and/or turn to modeling.  Getting dumped on TV is embarrassing, but throngs are willing to do so in order to get the brass rings the easy way.

If anyone thinks that these people are actually looking for or are capable of bonding with the permanent “love of their lives,” by going through this orchestrated “play-acting” on a television show, well, I’ve got a bridge to sell you…cheap.

Do any of these girls get carried away?  Probably.  Girls do that – they want to bond, nest, be told they’re beautiful and loved.  Women (as opposed to girls) know better than to think that getting a paycheck and free clothes and makeovers is the way to get that true love.