The Bonds of Marriage

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Last weekend, I went to Kimberly’s wedding (she screens your calls every weekday on my radio program). This is what I experienced:

* A room full of loving people from two families, and lots of friends, all happy and excited for and about the bride and groom.
* A lovely ceremony outdoors in the sun, overlooking a beautiful mountain terrain.
* A groom whose tear ducts flowed uncontrollably the second he saw the  bride walking down the aisle in her beautiful white gown and veil.
* A bride glowing with joy and giggling with pleasure.
* A man who verbalized his promise to lay down his life for his wife; stating out loud his commitment to listen, understand, support, protect, provide,  and love her for the rest of his life.
* A woman who verbalized her promise to respect, support, understand, listen, and love her man for the rest of her life.
* The feeling that they both meant it.
* A lovely kiss.
* Guests blowing bubbles as they walked back up the aisle while they held onto each other (both just glowing).
* Photographs of them that their families put together which showed them from their respective births to their wedding day.
* A father/daughter dance; a mother/son dance with the parents moved to tears.
* A father singing to his daughter about being her “first love,” and shaking the hand of the man who would protect her and love her from this day  forward.
* The happy couple leaving for their honeymoon - to take time out to just be together in their new roles as husband and wife, and to celebrate their public and personal vows.

They will come back from their honeymoon and move into the home they both took the time to (individually) save up for before they married, and he will settle into the job that he took the time to train for and establish before he proposed marriage.  They took the time to really get to know one another and their families.  They took their time individually to be ready to take care of each other and their marriage in emotional and practical ways.

Do you still want to try to convince me or yourself that SHACKING UP is the same as marriage?

The Benefits of Flirting

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I got a wonderful email from Sylvia, which I want to share with you all:
 
Dr. Laura:
 
This is a lesson my mother taught me, but I thought you would approve of her very good advice.
 
I am a southern “belle.”  Though I have lived all over the world and do not possess the characteristic lilting southern drawl, I am, in fact, a belle through and through.  When raised as a girl in the south, you learn (amongst other things) a true appreciation of the beauty and power of words.  We southern girls are thoroughly schooled in the art and craft of words.  We learn, very young, how to paint a picture with words.  We learn to exploit the rhythm and cadence of language.  We speak softly in order to draw in our listener (thus focusing all attention on ourselves).  Really - who doesn’t like a whisper?  We speak slowly, because anticipation makes everything more enjoyable.  Really - who doesn’t like to be made to wait…just a little?
 
I will often send my husband an email designed to make the air around him stand still.  I can still make his mouth water with just words.  I can make his mind linger and dwell on me all day, with just a softly spoken sentence as he leaves for work in the morning.  Sometimes, in the afternoon, I’ll call him up just to say “I was daydreaming about you just now.  I was remembering how sweet you are and how you still make my heart beat faster.”  This is not just some idle exercise.  This is the ultimate investment in my family.  This is what makes my husband anxious to get home to me, even after fifteen years.
 
Through flirting, I reap a harvest of sweetness, kindness, gentleness and playfulness.  Flirting is a gift we give to each other. It keeps alive the sweetness and excitement of our early dating days.  Flirting is like a gentle touch.  It is stroking the ego of the one you love.  It is titillation pure and simple.  It is foreplay with words and humor.  Flirting is the secret that all other women know.  Flirting is the difference between “ho-hum” and “hot!”  It is something you miss when it’s lacking and you often don’t even realize it.  Flirting captures the mind, and where the mind goes, the body soon follows.
 
So ladies, flirt with your husband.  Here, let me help you out:  send an email to the one you love today and simply say “I thought of you today.  I thought that if you were a book, then I would like to read you and re-read you, over and over again.”
 
You see, when you give sweetness, you get so much more back.

Why Celebrate Valentine’s Day?

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People have all sorts of reactions when Valentine’s Day comes around - some think it’s too commercialized, and others get hurt if they don’t get the traditional flowers or candy or card.  Still others don’t think it should be observed at all.  I think it’s time to recall the important reasons to celebrate:

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

Resisting Irresistible Impulses

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I always look for patterns in callers’ questions, because I’m interested in what that pattern means in terms of what folks have come to believe…and why.  A persistent thought seems to be that impulse is irresistible.  That means, if you feel like a burger or a cigarette or a roll in the hay with someone you know you shouldn’t be with, then you have some kind of addiction, which means a disease, which means out of your control.

That’s a darn good rationalization…but it ain’t true.  The only irresistible impulse is one which hasn’t been resisted, and that is most definitely (but not simply) a choice.

I say “not simply,” because resisting impulses is difficult and sometimes painful.  Generally, such inappropriate behaviors have the purpose of 1) immediate gratification of feelings, and 2) hiding you from other emotionally distressing thoughts and feelings.  That means that, if you resist the impulse to drink, eat, or have a sexual fling in the office stationery closet, you will be left with the anxiety or sadness that resides within.

It is clear, therefore, that the emphasis should be on dealing with the not-so-well submerged anxieties and sadness.  For example, a man called recently to say that he is mean to his wife, criticizing anything he sees around the house.  I immediately suggested that he saw the cluttered kitchen counter as a sign his wife didn’t love him.  Now, you’d think that was a ridiculous leap, but it was “spot on.”  He (after some nagging from me) offered that his mother had not been, well, “motherly” and loving.  To this day, he has his wife do things to prove/make up for the lack of affection and attention he missed as a child.  Did he know he was doing this and why?  Yes for the “doing;” no for the “why.”

I suggested he go home with a flower in hand and tell his wife that he needed her to hold him.  I told him that’s what “his woman” was for.  You can always hire a maid, but you can’t hire someone to really love and care about you.  He was treating his wife like his mom, when he really needed her to be a wife with loving kindness.

You get love by being open to it, and by being loving in return.  You do not get love by eating that cake, smoking that joint, drinking that beer or overpowering those who care about you. 

Resist those impulses.  Yes, it’s painful and difficult, both physically and emotionally, but the ultimate reward is the very thing you’ve been trying to get (just all in the wrong way), and that thing is LOVE.

What’s the Definition of Love?

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People seem to have a lot of different ideas about what constitutes “love.”  One of my radio listeners wrote and asked for my definition of love, and I decided to answer that question in today’s video:

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

“The Bachelor” Is NOT A Guide for Real Relationships

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When the so-called “mainstream media” carries a story, one used to surmise that the information was actually important in some significant way to Americans.  We all know that’s largely untrue:  stories today are attempts to splash the water in your face to get attention for ratings and commercial time or space revenue.

ABC News actually had someone from their “ABC News Medical Unit” on to discuss the heartbreak of losing on the program The Bachelor.  It seems that this guy first announced that he was “hot” for one babe, but them changed his mind, season ending “cliff-hanger” style) and went for another babe.  He proposed, then changed his mind, and went back to the first of the two dumped babes. That set off fireworks with some silly blog site that targets I-don’t-know-what-kind-of-women who actually care about this pseudo-intimacy.

One of the dumb issues involved in this nonsense is that the babes have signed contracts that say they aren’t allowed to cry or whine about hurt feelings until the appropriate time in the unfolding saga.  They actually got “shrinks” to opine about the emotional and psychological damage that can be done to these silly babes (who I define as pretty women who exploit their looks and desire their 15 minutes of fame by going on these not-really-reality shows to find the love of their lives and the father of their future 84 children) if they don’t get to “vent” their hurt!

Oh, puleeze.  First of all, this guy shows all the bonding ability of a flea in heat; these girls act like it’s the end of the world if this “please me now/please me not” joker doesn’t want them.  Frankly, I think the jilted girl should go down on her knees and praise God that she won’t be stuck with this guy for five more minutes of her life…unless, of course, he changes his rotating little mind again.

The shrinks talk about serious consequences of getting to know someone and then getting excluded.  Let’s say the truth:  they all want to look good, win the money, get TV/movie/recording contracts and/or turn to modeling.  Getting dumped on TV is embarrassing, but throngs are willing to do so in order to get the brass rings the easy way.

If anyone thinks that these people are actually looking for or are capable of bonding with the permanent “love of their lives,” by going through this orchestrated “play-acting” on a television show, well, I’ve got a bridge to sell you…cheap.

Do any of these girls get carried away?  Probably.  Girls do that - they want to bond, nest, be told they’re beautiful and loved.  Women (as opposed to girls) know better than to think that getting a paycheck and free clothes and makeovers is the way to get that true love.

The Hole In Your Heart

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Ever question why you spend all your time and energy on demanding, difficult, undermining, and destructive people in your lives and completely ignore those who are loving, caring, and committed to you?  I’ve got some “insight” for you in today’s video blog.

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Can People Ever Really Change?

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A recent female caller wondered if she should stay with and even marry a guy who spent the full first year of their relationship being violent.

I immediately said, “You’re a grown woman.  If you want to play Russian Roulette with your life you have the right to do that.  Please, though, have your Fallopian tubes tied so that you can’t bring any babies into this situation to either be hurt directly or indirectly by a messed up, violent home-life.”

She wanted to know if people can change.  Well, the correct answer is….YES!  Of course people can change.  When people are motivated and disciplined and committed to being, thinking, and doing things differently, they can most definitely evolve in a positive direction.  It does take time and simply acknowledging the need for change is not (contrary to popular thought) 50% of the problem.  You all know that’s true because every one of you remembers making a New Year’s Resolution - which clearly acknowledges a need for change - and even a plan….which just evaporated with time and ennui.

Therefore, in the context of this woman’s call, a person prone to violence is not one who is going to make a quick change.  The caller wanted to know if there was hope that in the future…no matter how distant…that he could be different.  Well, sure - IF he makes the commitment and is committed long term to whatever it takes to change his way of looking at the world, intimate relationships, and his own identity.

An interesting fact is that when people do make such profound changes, they rarely are interested in the people who wanted them when they were less positively functional, as they recognize that it takes a less functional person to be attracted to same.  Said in a bit ‘o different way: emotionally healthy people, even though they may protest love and compassion, just don’t commit their lives to a recalcitrant, unwilling to change, difficult, or dangerous person.  It is because of their own sad inner dynamics that they find solace in being involved with an unhealthy person…it makes them feel needed or puts the responsibility for their unhappiness somewhere else or is simply a place to hide from the threat of not being capable of a good life.

This particular caller thanked me for my advice…I asked her to tell me what my advice was; she said, “I don’t want to play roulette with my life.”  I gave her kudos for making a healthy and good choice.  I also told her that she’d feel stupid for the time already spent, lonely for the company, scared of being alone, and more…but that this decision was still a healthy and good choice.

You see…she is the one in her life she had the power and the necessity to change; focusing on him was just a way to hide from that.

I love the beginning of happy endings…and that call was one of those.