Hollywood Hookups

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I basically don’t care about the musical chairs relationships of Hollywood types, but I thought the following story was indicative of our culture in general…and that is not a good thing.
 
This headline was important enough to show up in the Top 20 stories of Google News recently:  “Alex Rodriguez and Cameron Diaz Get Cozy in Miami.”  The piece started out:  “Don’t tell Madonna, but New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez was spotted getting cozy with Hollywood actress Cameron Diaz at a pre-Super Bowl party in Miami last weekend.”  According to this inane report, she was tipsy, flirty, and began “grinding on ‘A-Rod’, who had just broken up with Kate Hudson.  Clearly, sports is not the only thing for which you need a score card!
 
Generally, women who have nothing going on in their lives become groupies, because attachment to a star (even in their imaginations, much less their beds) brings them a feeling of importance.  Madonna, Kate Hudson and Cameron Diaz are all successful in their own right, so “groupie-ness” is not the issue.  Then what is?  What makes women “give it up” so easily for a guy who is good-looking, successful and has lots of money?  I guess it’s the looks and success, and the feeling that even more money is always good.
 
There is so little dignity left in Hollywood’s elite, and many political marriages are also aflame with betrayals.  Our young girls grow up next to young boys who have both misguided values and expectations.  The boys realize that respect and courtship are irrelevant when it comes to getting sex and companionship; the girls think that explosive beginnings mean something deeper.
 
I had one female caller who was just amazed at my admonition not to have sex as a flirtation, rite of dating, way to get to know someone, or stress releaser.  She actually was surprised when I suggested to her (and her 21 year-old “reality”) that scarcity brings value.  While that is an economic issue, it also works for interpersonal relationships.  If the act of sexual intercourse is to mean anything, it has to have a context of love and commitment, and that is a scarce resource.
 
People wonder why they’re depressed, anxious, unhappy, unfulfilled, lost, or compulsive about hookups.  There is an inherent knowledge that meaning and purpose are everything to their psychological well-being, but they are surrounded by the likes of an A-Rod and Madonna world which tells them there isn’t any, except for notoriety and sexual flamboyance.
 
It’s sad, really, because there is more to morality than just being a “rule system of the constipated,” which, unfortunately, is what too many people believe.  Morality is a means by which we make human beings rise above the rest of the animal kingdom with symbols and actions:  like marriage and commitment, for example.

Role Reversal: Dad Stays Home, Mom Works

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Sometimes in today’s tight economy, roles get reversed, and the father stays home with the kids while the mom works.  Does this have a negative psychological effect on the kids?

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

The Benefits of Flirting

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I got a wonderful email from Sylvia, which I want to share with you all:
 
Dr. Laura:
 
This is a lesson my mother taught me, but I thought you would approve of her very good advice.
 
I am a southern “belle.”  Though I have lived all over the world and do not possess the characteristic lilting southern drawl, I am, in fact, a belle through and through.  When raised as a girl in the south, you learn (amongst other things) a true appreciation of the beauty and power of words.  We southern girls are thoroughly schooled in the art and craft of words.  We learn, very young, how to paint a picture with words.  We learn to exploit the rhythm and cadence of language.  We speak softly in order to draw in our listener (thus focusing all attention on ourselves).  Really - who doesn’t like a whisper?  We speak slowly, because anticipation makes everything more enjoyable.  Really - who doesn’t like to be made to wait…just a little?
 
I will often send my husband an email designed to make the air around him stand still.  I can still make his mouth water with just words.  I can make his mind linger and dwell on me all day, with just a softly spoken sentence as he leaves for work in the morning.  Sometimes, in the afternoon, I’ll call him up just to say “I was daydreaming about you just now.  I was remembering how sweet you are and how you still make my heart beat faster.”  This is not just some idle exercise.  This is the ultimate investment in my family.  This is what makes my husband anxious to get home to me, even after fifteen years.
 
Through flirting, I reap a harvest of sweetness, kindness, gentleness and playfulness.  Flirting is a gift we give to each other. It keeps alive the sweetness and excitement of our early dating days.  Flirting is like a gentle touch.  It is stroking the ego of the one you love.  It is titillation pure and simple.  It is foreplay with words and humor.  Flirting is the secret that all other women know.  Flirting is the difference between “ho-hum” and “hot!”  It is something you miss when it’s lacking and you often don’t even realize it.  Flirting captures the mind, and where the mind goes, the body soon follows.
 
So ladies, flirt with your husband.  Here, let me help you out:  send an email to the one you love today and simply say “I thought of you today.  I thought that if you were a book, then I would like to read you and re-read you, over and over again.”
 
You see, when you give sweetness, you get so much more back.

Governor Sanford’s Wife Admits to Living a Lie

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Here’s the scenario:  you are a young woman poised to be married to a man who informs you in no certain terms that fidelity is not going to be a quality of your marriage.  You’re hurt and confused.  You call Dr. Laura.  You ask her opinion - should you marry this man?  Dr. Laura says:  “HAVE YOUR TUBES TIED.  YOU HAVE THE RIGHT AS AN ADULT WOMAN TO MAKE ANY CHOICE YOU WOULD LIKE (STUPID AS IT MIGHT BE), BUT I BELIEVE YOU HAVE THE MORAL OBLIGATION TO NOT IMPOSE THAT UNSTABLE, UNHAPPY, POTENTIALLY VOLATILE SITUATION ON CHILDREN.”
 
This discussion between South Carolina’s first lady (and soon to be ex-wife of Governor Mark Sanford) and me never took place.  She went ahead, married him, made children, crossed her fingers and her eyes, blinded herself, and now she and the children are in the public eye…embarrassed.
 
Jenny Sanford, in an interview with Barbara Walters (yeah, I know) admits knowing in advance, saying that not having a vow of fidelity bothered her to some extent, but “I got past it.”
 
She is now having her 15 minutes of infamy with a tell-all book, anguishing over the emails (which went public) where her husband talked about his lover’s body parts.
 
I think I’m more disgusted with what she is doing now - after colluding with the charade of a marriage - than in making this choice in the first place.
 
In general, why do women volunteer for this kind of situation?

* Optimism
* They think they’re special and he will be different with her
* They believe in romantic fantasies and that love will heal all
* Dependent loyalty
* Emotional attachment
* Embarrassment at admitting a mistake
* They believe there is money or power to be gained

Mrs. Sanford is embarrassing her children and herself, which is tacky and unclassy in my opinion.

Alienation of Affection Law Could Help Tiger Woods’ Wife

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I understand that the list is now at 14 distinct dalliances by Tiger Woods, and the count is likely to grow.  One of the reasons the legal types are interested in this situation is the precedent for “alienation of affection” suits, which can be filed when an “outsider” interferes in a marriage.  These suits are allowed in seven states:  Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota and Utah.  Why these suits are disallowed in all the other states is a curiosity.  Perhaps lawmakers in those states were being pre-emptively self-protective.  Who knows?

However, it doesn’t matter that Woods lives in Florida, a state where alienation of affections suits aren’t allowed.  If any of Woods’ professed affairs took place in an alienation of affection state, Mrs. Tiger Woods could sue.  According to my research, the suits rarely make it to trial - usually the threat of such an embarrassing lawsuit is enough to have it end up in an out-of-court financial settlement.

On my radio program, when I discuss with the “wronged” spouse their pain and desire to get revenge with the “other woman or man,” I remind them that it is their spouse who breached vows.  The other individual was just the means to that sad end.  When people don’t wish to leave their marriages, they often focus their rage on that other person to protect their spouse from their rage.  However, I believe it ought to be common understanding that the vows include a warning to others:  “let no man turn asunder” means that no one should interfere with the married couple’s intimacy.  All society has really taken that vow.  Therefore, I believe it is fair that there be some consequence, and perhaps compensation, for the hurt caused.

I think all states should allow such lawsuits, as they respect the sanctity of marriage.

Tiger Woods

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My comments today are short and to the point.

With respect to Tiger Woods:

He is the best golfer ever.

He is a philandering spouse of major proportions.

Should that matter?

It was posited to me that what a celebrity does outside of his or her “famous” activity should not matter to anyone.

I thought about that for about an hour, and then decided this:

That statement is correct, unless that celebrity makes hay (or money) on the issue of TRUST, which Tiger Woods does by using his name and image as a “nice guy” to sell products.  He is untrustworthy…plain and simple, and therefore, should not be representing anything or anyone, because his word means nothing.

He is a great golfer.

So what.

He is not a great man/father/husband.

End of commentary.

Wife Turns in Pedophile Husband

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I remember when the Unabomber was caught.  There was an uproar of indignation concerning the fact that it was his brother who “ratted” him out.  When his brother saw the published ramblings of the serial murderer known as the “Unabomber,” he recognized the sentiments, mentality, and writing style of his brother, and informed the police.  If memory serves me right, The Los Angeles Times had either an editorial or an op-ed piece castigating the brother for essentially “turning on blood.”

That was a morally repugnant point of view.  Protecting the innocent against evil is the responsibility of every human being, regardless of the “job description” of the evildoer - in this case, a sibling.

Fortunately, in England, a wife of twenty years understood her responsibility to others (in this case, children), and set aside emotional pain and potential embarrassment.  She set out to trap her husband, whom she suspected of being a pedophile.  Apparently, her husband chatted with teenagers as he groomed them for sex.

The wife pretended to be a 14 year old girl, and caught him in the act.  She was in the neighboring living room while he was in his study sweating over a hot computer, setting “her” up for a meeting to have sex.  He also used a webcam to carry out sex acts and send the videos over the Internet.  Our plucky wife watched this in absolute disgust and horror.

She then contacted police who seized his computer.  She didn’t march into his study to confront him, cry, or threaten.  Like a good citizen, she just turned it all over to the authorities.  GOOD FOR HER!

He only received three years of community service and was banned indefinitely from having access in person or online to children under the age of 18.  He also had to register as a sex offender, and, oh yes, she divorced him.

“I did the right thing, and I don’t regret it.  Now I just need some time to think and put this all behind me,” she said to a reporter.

She should have gotten a medal.

Giving Birth In Front of an Audience

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During my college years in the Sixties, “empowerment” and “consciousness-raising” were the main focus of existence, even though these concepts were largely used to insist that you were a victim of something or someone just for being female.

Well, fast forward to now, and one young, married woman in her twenties has decided that giving birth live on the Internet is empowering to women!  The use of that term in this circumstance cracks me up.  I remember, during my loooong labor, my husband saying that he was going to leave to get a cup of coffee.  I threatened him with “if you leave…never come back!!”  I guess that threat was “empowerment,” but giving birth in public or private is one of our least powerful times.  We are completely at the mercy of a baby who is usually saying “Hell, no, I won’t go.”

Nonetheless, this woman has decided that taking something personal and making it public is empowering and educational and spreading joy.  Oh, puleeze!  In our sadly growing exhibitionist, voyeuristic, reality show mentality of a society, this is how people become “important,” known, and “famous.”

The point of “personal” is that something is perfected by its modesty, and sharing is not an issue of public promotion, but an opportunity for a few people to embrace a meaningful moment of experience.  Experiences and moments that are universal (like child-bearing) are not educational.  The childbirth is going to be posted on a mom website, which means that they’ve all been there and done that.

Her husband is marginalized.  She admits that he was “hesitant” at first, but I’m sure he ultimately had no say.  There aren’t too many decent men who want to share the birth of their first child with a camera crew and a blog audience - that makes Daddy less special and less involved.

It’s all just sad to me.  And what happens after the event, when the thrill, the attention and adrenaline of being in the spotlight goes away?  What is she going to do with this kid to keep the flow going?  Think Jon and Kate.  Think “sad” for the children who become the means of their parents’ moment in the light, in ways other than simply enjoying their first smiles and first steps.