The Importance of Generosity in a Marriage

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I’ve written many books having to do with relationships, but each focused on different aspects of relationships.  The most important ones, I think, were The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage because I pointed out the real element that makes a marriage work is when each person gets up in the morning and thinks about what they can do to make the other person happy and happy they’re married to you.  In fact, that was so important, I put it on the back cover.  No surprise to me to see this show up in other forms.

In December, in the New York Times, they talked about the University of Virginia’s National Marriage Project.  It studied the role of generosity.  Not in the sense of being generous with money or a lot of gifts, but about that moment where you think, “What can I do to make them happy at this moment, much less if they’re married to me?”

So generosity is about going above and beyond the ordinary expectations with small, little things, small acts of service — making an extra effort, such as being affectionate, bringing somebody coffee in the morning, or rubbing their feet.

It turns out men and women with the highest scores on generosity as a scale were far more likely to report they were very happy in their marriages. 

Now, you’ve got a lot of things going on in your mind, heart, body and day so it’s not always easy to be generous to your spouse.  One particular researcher suggested successful couples say or do at least 5 positive things for every negative interaction with their partner, so they make it 5 to 1…5 to 1.  That’s really important.  It’s important with your kids too.  If you’re going to give them holy hell about things all the time, you really have to balance it with generosity.  Children who see parents who are more engaged in this generosity tend to be more generous too (no kidding), which bodes well for their future relationships and their relationship with their parents.  So, make small acts of service and an extra effort to be affectionate.

The top 3 predictors of a happy marriage among parents (because having kids is a big stress):

1. Sexual intimacy
2. Commitment
3. Generosity

And they put sex first because the portion of 18 to 46 year-olds with below-average sexual satisfaction who are “very happy” in their marriages is about 6.5%.

In one particular study, couples who reported a high amount of generosity in their relationships were 5 times more likely to say the marriage was “very happy”.  However, the generosity was not as important as sex.  In this study, married men and women who reported above-average sexual satisfaction in their relationship were 10 to 13 times more likely to describe their marriage as “very happy”.  My assumption though, is this goes in a bit of a circle – i.e., the people who are more generous with each other probably are more turned on to each other because they’re so generous with each other and it keeps going in a circle.

Something to consider: 5 to 1 – 5 positive things you say or do for each negative thing you say or do.  Try it — you might like it.  You wonder why your marriage is not happy?  The fix is actually simple.  It’s the motivation to do those 5 positive things that seems to be the biggest problem.

Sexual Fantasies

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Some people get very freaked out by sexual fantasies and worry that having fantasies makes them “bad.” 

When I was in private practice, I did a lot of sex counseling, and one thing I would ask a couple individually is “what are your sexual fantasies?”  Here’s the typical answers I would get:

1.  “Oh, I don’t have them.  That would be rude.”
2. “I can’t talk about them.  They’re really sick.”
3. “What difference does it make?  He or she would never do them.”

There’s a lot of angst surrounding sexual fantasies.  They’re basically erotic thoughts that make you feel sexier.  They’re arousing and add to the “moment.” Research shows most people wish to fantasize, but have sex in the context of the person they love and feel most comfortable with. – in other words, they use fantasy as an aphrodisiac.  The people who report the highest sexual satisfaction tend to be those who have fantasies, because they fuel arousal, particularly when things start to get a little “everydayish.” 

Things are very exciting when they’re new, and when they get to be functional, things lose their appeal.  That’s when people stop playing with each other, stop being each other’s girlfriend or boyfriend, and stop using sexual fantasy. 

If you’re a tennis player, all things you do before a game are like foreplay.  You imagine hitting the ball well today, and what you’re doing is fantasizing about how the game is going to be.  So fantasy provides a very important function. Fantasy takes your mind totally away from distractions and allows you to enjoy the “moment,” helping you to focus and maintain arousal.  When women say they have trouble with orgasms, the number one thing therapists try to get them to do is fantasize and masturbate.  It’s like jump-starting the whole mechanism.

In general, the most common fantasies for both men and women are those that relive an exciting sexual experience, or those that imagine sex with a current or different partner.  It doesn’t mean you don’t love your spouse, but it means sometimes you need a jumpstart to make yourself feel sexy and not make sex feel so mundane.

The next most common fantasies involve oral sex, sex in a romantic location, heightened sexual power or irresistibility, and (believe it or not), for most women, forced sex.  When women fantasize about forced sex, it’s not about being beaten, stabbed, or shot.  Instead, it’s about being swept off their feet, being held down and totally enjoying the abdication of responsibility for anything happening.  Male fantasies tend to focus more on visual imagery and explicit anatomic detail.  Women’s fantasies tend to be about emotion and affection.

And consider telling your partner your fantasy, but not if it’s that your neighbor’s body is so hot you can hardly hold your breath, or that you think of him or her while having sex with your spouse.  But if you have a fantasy about the two of you, and you know your spouse well enough to know this would not be crossing a line, then you can tell them.  Things that won’t hurt your spouse’s feelings can be shared.  Otherwise, keep your mouth shut, because there is nothing UNsexier than telling your spouse “I have to go to an entirely different place to do it with you, but I love you.”  THAT just doesn’t fly.

Why Men Are Failing

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Birth Control Affects Your Personal Chemistry

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Dating Again: Divorced vs. Widowed?

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If you’re back on the dating scene and you’re no longer a young adult, you may find that the available pool is filled with those who have been either divorced or widowed.  Is there a better chance at happiness with one group, or does it even matter?

Separated Three Days of the Week

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Her husband’s travel schedule leaves one stay-at-home mom feeling overwhelmed:

Or view other videos at: youtube.com/drlaura

Interview with Premarital Counseling Experts

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Dr. Roger Tirabassi has led popular pre-marital seminars in California which have prepared over 1000 couples for marriage.  He and his wife Becky have co-authored Seriously Dating or Engaged: A PreMarital Workbook, which gives couples the tools they’ll need for enjoying a lasting relationship.  I wanted to talk with them to find out exactly how they prepare couples and what they’re finding in today’s social environment: Listen to the Interview

Interview with Parents Who Had Wrong Embryo Implanted

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It’s a nightmare no one wants to live out in real life.  Carolyn and Sean Savage, undergoing an in vitro fertilization (IVF) transfer, had the wrong embryo implanted, yet they brought the baby to term and then turned the infant over to his genetic parents.  I wanted to talk to this courageous couple about their heartbreaking journey.  Listen to the interview here.