There is a show that’s been on TV a very long time called Cheaters. I don’t know how they’ve been able to do the same scenario for a dozen years, but they’ve pulled it off.
I’ve seen the show about one and a half times. Basically, someone who suspects their girlfriend or boyfriend of cheating hires this television program to do surveillance. The crew follows the boyfriend or girlfriend, tracks their car, photographs them at various places (restaurants, stores, etc.), and tape records their conversations. If he goes to a hotel, motel, or apartment, the cameras capture him going in, kissing his bimbo at the front door, and then grinding groins with her. If a guy tells his wife, “Oh honey, I have to be at work late,” the show will then cut to time-stamped footage of him going somewhere else.
Near the end of each episode, the person who is being cheated on gets to see the tape, realizes they’re right, and then feels very badly betrayed. The program ends with the girl or guy confronting their husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend. It’s a free-for-all with the television cameras rolling. The cheater and their bimbo or side stud start yelling, “What?! What is this?,” followed by a bunch of “beeps” (because of all the bad words they’re saying). I always think it’s funny when the cheater says, “How could you do this to me?,” in reference to being put under surveillance and exposed on TV. Somehow they get moral outrage at that, not about the fact that they’re screwing around on somebody.
Now, a lot of shows try to market merchandise to make money on the side: T-shirts, mugs, spaghetti sauce…whatever. But for a show like Cheaters, it’s a little different. Since they can’t exactly make shirts saying, “I’m a cheater,” or, “I caught my spouse cheating,” they have instead decided to open up a spy goods web store:
“The Cheater’s Spy Shop sells all sorts of surveillance gear for suspicious minds, including recovery sticks that can pull up anything currently on the iPhone and even recover deleted information; mobile software that will send a person all texts and pictures being sent, web history, call logs, and GPS location every 30 minutes; and even motion-activated hidden cameras that record any movement and activity in high resolution [HD, 3D, whatever you want]…
The laws governing the use of surveillance devices by average citizens differ all over the place. A lot of people think they’re legally allowed to spy on their spouses, but depending on how it’s done, that may or may not be true. It may be totally legal to make, sell, and buy this stuff, but depending on the jurisdiction you’re in, it may or may not be legal to use because people have privacy rights. Some people also get concerned that stalkers could misuse the technology. It’s pretty scary to think about – a stalker could potentially put a tracking device at the bottom of your purse and know where you are at all times. If you’re thinking of participating in an operation to expose a cheater either with a private investigator or just by yourself, you have to make sure that whatever equipment or techniques you’re using are legal in your state.
“The two groups who seem to be buying the products the most are women worried their man is cheating, and parents who want to make sure their kids aren’t sexting or getting inappropriate photos themselves.” The biggest month for buying is Valentine’s Day. They’re not really sure why, but my guess is that women who either get nothing or get something worth less than what they see charged to their husband’s credit card start wondering where the money went.
Cheating spouses typically get caught in a couple of ways:
1. Accidental discovery: Most cheaters are not CIA agents. They don’t know how to totally cover their tracks, and they forget things like a parking sticker hanging from the rearview mirror. Deception and infidelity are usually uncovered by somebody making a mistake. “A husband or wife decides to come home from work early, a third party inadvertently reveals the truth, an unpaid parking ticket reveals a spouse’s true whereabouts, or an e-mail exchange is accidentally sent to the wrong person.” Many times on the air, I’ve heard callers say, “He meant to send it to her, but somehow he clicked me.”
2. Monitoring/Surveillance: A lot of cheaters are exposed after being monitored by either their spouse or a private investigator. From what I’ve read, if a private investigator uses a technique that’s illegal, even if unbeknownst to you, you are still liable because they’re essentially an extension of you. Be careful!
So what should you do if you think your spouse or significant other is cheating?
If you’re not just a hypersensitive or neurotic person, then your instinct that your spouse is cheating is probably right. If you get suspicious, ask yourself the following question: “Why is he/she cheating?” Did you make a mistake in picking someone who is simply a bad person? If your wife had a million affairs while you were dating or your husband cheated while you were pregnant with your first kid (and then you went ahead and made three more) then “Duh!” – you made a mistake. However, people don’t always cheat because they’re bad people. Other things come into play, usually relating to the quality of the relationship. As it turns out, men more than women require opposite-sex feedback for their egos. Women can turn to their girlfriends to hear about what a bum their husband is and how wonderful they are. But guys don’t turn to their guy friends – they turn to other women.
If you’re a woman and are worried about your husband having an affair, you should read my book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands to see if you’re to blame. Your husband once picked you, wanted you, and ultimately loved you. Perhaps if you stopped acting the way you currently are, you wouldn’t be throwing away a perfectly good man. A lot of times women call my show saying, “I think my husband’s having an affair,” and I tell them that they can either blow up the marriage or they can look at themselves honestly and admit, “I stopped being my husband’s girlfriend. I’m going to take the proper steps to turn it back on.” As his wife, you always have an edge over a new honey. A new honey may be very exciting, but a new honey has no context or history like you have with him. Losing you not only means losing the house, the kids, the dog, the parakeet and the cat, but he’ll be losing extended family and friends as well. There’s so much for him to lose. Missing the girlfriend doesn’t come close to that. So ultimately you have the power.
There are a million and a half articles on the topic of cheating, but it all boils down to one basic concept: if you treat your spouse and dearly beloved in such a way that he or she wants to come home to you every night, then you’re doing great and you’re probably not going to have a cheating spouse.
Now that being said, some people are simply jerks no matter how much love and effort you’re putting in to the relationship. The following article contains some practical tips on how to catch a cheater: “Tips for Discovering the Truth.” Discerning whether or not there is bad behavior going on (affairs, whores, drugs, etc.) usually helps you with securing custody of the children later. And remember: Don’t just ask, “Honey, are you having an affair?” That never works. Don’t even bother.
You’ve all heard stories about kids getting homesick when they go away to summer camp. Well, these days that’s sort of flipped. Instead, parents are getting “kidsick.”
During the summer when I was a kid, we’d have breakfast, leave the house, and then maybe go back again only once that day. We usually bounced around from house to house and rode bikes for hours across acres and acres of farm fields near where I lived. Nobody even knew where we were, and I never knew of anybody who didn’t come home again.
But that was then, and this is now.
Now there’s not a day that kids don’t show up dead. There’s not a day that kids aren’t stolen, molested, or victims of gang violence. There’s just not a day. Neighborhoods are rarely tight anymore, and if they are, it’s out of fear. And if your kids go to the park and you’re not somewhere nearby, you’re probably being irresponsible.
However, there’s a difference between sitting on the side of the playground relaxing, reading, listening to music, or talking to somebody and standing under the jungle gym making sure your precious little bundle of joy doesn’t get dirty or upset by something somebody else says or does. That’s micromanaging. Your precious little bundle of joy has to learn to live in the real world.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t supervise your kids. Macromanaging is really necessary, especially these days with all the sex, drugs, and violence. What I’m talking about is being a helicopter parent and hovering over your kids. For example, when parents send their kids to summer camp, the people who head the camp are now expected to take pictures every day, post them on the camp’s Facebook, and send emails to the parents. If the parents see their kid not smiling, they call the head of the camp to see what’s wrong. That’s micromanaging.
I recently took a call on my show that just stayed in my head. On the surface, it didn’t seem like a memorable call, but it turned out to be. I found it alarming because of how typical the caller’s situation was.
The call was from a mother who had a son in his mid-20s, and he had just gotten fired from working in a pizza parlor (I don’t know what you do to get fired from that kind of job, but he did). The caller’s mother – the grandma of the ne’re-do-well – was dying and said her grandson could have her car, which only had about 5,000 miles on it. She said he could just have it! And just when I was telling the woman she should tell Grandma to please give the car to somebody who would be more responsible, I found out this ne’re-do-well (who doesn’t have a job because somehow serving or flipping pizza is more than he can handle) doesn’t like the car because it’s not cool enough. He thinks it looks like “an old person’s car.”
But his mother didn’t say that to Grandma. Instead, she catered to her son further by selling the car so he could use the money to buy a cooler one.
I remember vividly choking down rage and saying that I was finding it difficult to help her out. In my day, if a car had doors and wheels and went forward, you were happy. I looked up the car online, and saw it’s a nice car. But instead of saying, “Hey, you really have to find somebody else to give this car to. My son’s kind of a loser and doesn’t appreciate it. He’s just not a grownup yet, so let’s find somebody else in the family, who, by virtue of their character and effort, actually deserves and would appreciate it,” Mommy sold the car so he could be cool.
That’s the kind of parenting that ruins children. The parent who gets involved in every emotional ache, pain, and little problem of their kid’s life only hurts their kid and doesn’t help them grow up. That’s why huge percentages of young adults are moving back home instead of making their way somehow. That’s why two-thirds of American children are fat or obese. Mothers sit three feet away from their kids screaming, “Don’t do that! You’re going to hurt yourself!,” instead of letting them hang upside down and run around.
I remember when my kid was little my rule was if it didn’t kill him or somebody else, I would let him do it. I figured that’s the way kids grow into adults and men. I’m not suggesting you allow your kids to run off to the park alone. That’s kind of stupid these days. America has changed dramatically, and it will probably never go back to the way it was. But as far as avoiding being a kidsick, helicopter parent while your child is away at camp, I have a couple ways to cope.
First, don’t be connected to your kid’s camp via the Internet. If they have a Facebook, don’t go on it until your kid comes home. And lastly, do what parents used to do when kids went to camp: spend the time caretaking your marriage and worry less about the kids. You know that saying, “When the cat’s away, the mice will play.”? Well, just twist it around: while the mice are away, the cats will play.
Just remember this: Being responsible and being worried all the time are two very different things.
I often hear from parents that it’s difficult to find movies or TV shows that the family can enjoy together. Ted Baehr, publisher of Movieguide.org was my guest recently and discussed that issue as well as the results of his research into the kind of movies that do best at the box office. You may be surprised: Interview with Ted BaehrTrackBack URI
Family members seem to have a hard time when it comes to being firm with those closest to them. Case in point: today’s letter from a grandma who doesn’t want to offend her granddaughter.
Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.TrackBack URI
The Associated Press just recently released its “Chronology of News Events in 2010.” It includes such momentous occasions as the Obama administration filing a lawsuit in Phoenix to block Arizona’s toughest-in-the-nation immigration law (leaving out that it is an anti-illegal immigration law), actress Lindsay Lohan beginning a 14 day jail sentence (reduced from 90 days due to overcrowding) for violating probation in a 2007 drug case, Wikileaks posting 90,000 leaked U.S. military records from the war in Afghanistan, and…..
Talk radio host Laura Schlessinger uses N-word 11 times on-air while discussing interracial marriage, later apologizing.
- What the AP does not mention:
- That I used the word to discuss its meaning and appropriateness in our society.
- That I questioned why our society allows blacks to call each other that name but does not allow whites to discuss the issues raised by that word.
- That I realized immediately the mere use of the word offended many of my listeners.
- That I “self-policed” myself, pulled myself off the air, and apologized the very next morning.
- That it wasn’t until 48 hours later that the liberal so-called news media at CNN teamed up with Media Matters, the Urban League and the NAACP to demand that I be silenced and taken off the air.
- That I NEVER called ANYONE that word. Instead, I was pointing out how that word is used ubiquitously in the black culture and community.
I am not a victim. We choose to be victims, and I do not choose that label for me. This event in my life – which I am responsible for – has led me to realize how precious free speech is in our country, and that there are forces gathering to restrict that fundamental First Amendment right.
In the few months since August 10, we’ve seen Rick Sanchez fired by CNN for expressing his opinion about Jon Stewart. We’ve seen NPR fire Juan Williams for expressing his opinion on Muslims and airport security. We’ve heard Al Sharpton (who called for me to be silenced from radio) call for the censorship of Rush Limbaugh and other talk show hosts who whom he disagrees.
We’ve heard a U.S. Senator – Jay Rockefeller – on the floor of the U.S. Senate ask that the FCC shut down Fox News. We’ve heard an FCC commissioner – one of 5 men who decide what can air on our radio and television stations – call for the monitoring and regulation of news. All of this to support an alleged right that is NOT in the Constitution – the right not to be offended.
So, I am committing myself to supporting free speech in any way I can, beginning with moving my program to a venue which reveres free speech. Check my website at www.drlaura.com to learn more about my move. I will use my new format to continue to help people be and do better in their lives as well as provide a forum of open discussion on such controversial topics as racism, abortion, religion, the destructive influence of feminism, and on and on.
I am energized by all that has happened to me, not only recently but over the three decades of my career.
In January, my new book Surviving a Shark Attack (On Land), deals with betrayals and revenge. I have some surprising things to say and to reveal.
A lot of the most popular video games on the market are war games. Are they good or bad for teenage boys?
Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.TrackBack URI
Missy Smith is running for Washington D.C. delegate to the U.S. House of Representatives. She is running against incumbent Eleanor Holmes Norton and claims to have the backing of the Tea Party movement.
What is most interesting about this candidacy? She is running largely as an anti-abortion candidate. She runs a 30 second ad which will air 24 times on local broadcast network affiliates across the greater Washington, D.C. metropolitan area, preceded by a 15 second warning that was added by the station’s administrators.
Her 30 second ad was pulled from YouTube, posting a notice that it amounted to a “violation of YouTube’s policy on shocking and disgusting content.”
What is the ad? It’s 30 seconds of still photos of aborted babies. Missy Smith’s voiceover admits to her having had two abortions:
“I was told it’s not a baby. They lied to me. They exploited me. Then I learned the truth and I’ve suffered for years. And believe me, I am angry. My heart has been ripped out. Obama, Pelosi, Reid, Norton…they all support the murder of babies and the abuse of women by abortion. It’s time to make child-killing illegal again.”
I’ve been rolling around in my mind YouTube’s comment on “shocking and disgusting.” Yes, the murder of innocent babies in the womb is shocking and disgusting in a civilized society. Dead babies ripped apart aren’t really pretty. But it is the truth.
If it’s really that gruesome, should it be a “right?”
We can have daily abortions by the thousands. Why can’t we look at what it is exactly that’s happening?
I went on YouTube and explored by using words like “shocking,” “disgusting,” “vulgar,” “mean,” and others. And what happened? Videos appeared with subjects like atrocious sexual exploits with links to sites with “more more more,” fart compilations, squeezing pus from boils, and a snake eating a hamster.
I agree with YouTube that using stills of aborted children amounts to “shocking and disgusting content.” I challenge every single Planned [un]Parenthood clinic to show women coming in for abortions these photos, and THEN let them choose. I challenge every high school to show photos of aborted babies the same way they show horrible shots of car accidents to alert young people to the dangers of drunk driving.
It is shocking and disgusting to me and many others that people find it just fine to murder babies in their bodies without seeing the sonograms of their babies moving in their womb, without looking at photos of the baby at the level of development of theirs, and without seeing the final result of the abortion.
Choosing without being totally informed is not really make a choice. It is hiding from actually making a choice.
Unwanted babies are wanted by some other family.
If a continuation of a pregnancy threatens the life of the mother, abortion would be reasonable in self-defense. If a continuation of a pregnancy will result in a baby that will certainly die shortly after birth, in compassion, an abortion would be reasonable. But to waste a perfectly good baby over disinterest, inconvenience, embarrassment, and even economics is really shocking and disgusting.
You can find Missy Smith’s website at www.missysmith2010.com. Check it out.
Sometimes truth hurts.TrackBack URI
I am unbelievably furious! I have a new book coming out in January, entitled “Surviving Shark Attacks on Land.” It has to do with betrayal and revenge. 18 year old Tyler Clementi didn’t survive his recent shark attack on land. He killed himself by jumping off the George Washington Bridge in New York. He posted a goodbye on his Facebook page just eight minutes before he ended his life.
The media has made a fuss over this story because he was gay. That is not the story. The story is that he was betrayed in the most disgusting and egregious way by his own roommate and the roommate’s girlfriend. They sneaked a camera into the dorm room and secretly taped Tyler Clementi having sex. They callously “shared” (as it’s lovingly called) this tape with the Internet universe on the roommate’s network of “friends” (as they’re lovingly called).
The roommate bragged about his spying in a Twitter post.
The piece of garbage known as his roommate and his piece of garbage of a girlfriend have been arrested for invasion of privacy. They intentionally betrayed the friendship between roommates and intentionally humiliated this young man in public. There ought to be (and there may be) a more serious charge.
For those of you old enough to remember the original movie “M*A*S*H,” an audio version of this humiliation was perpetrated on “Hotlips” Houlihan as a “joke.” She was devastated, and the audience and actors laughed. Mainstreaming cruelty.
One 16 year old junior at Rutgers (the same school) defended the perpetrators: “I’m really shocked.” About what? “I wouldn’t expect Molly to do something like that. Dharan was very friendly, open and social.” And here it comes: “They’re not like that. It was probably a practical joke gone wrong.”
Bull. They are exactly like that. They intended to humiliate Tyler. They intended to have a laugh at his expense. They intended to gain notoriety by having produced this film for all to see for their “entertainment.” They intended to be cruel. They were sharks, attacking by betraying a friend on the Internet.
Could Tyler have survived this attack? Was suicide his only out?
The problem is that if he reported them to the school (whether or not they got in trouble for it), it’s on the Internet, seen and downloaded again and again and again for all eternity.
I know something about this sort of betrayal. Made up, as well as real, photos of me are on the Internet for all eternity also. I know personally the feeling of wanting to die…vanish…evaporate. The pain of that humiliation was extraordinary. Why did I survive and Tyler not? Tyler was just 18 years old and did not have decades of adult life experiences, accomplishments, a network of support or perhaps just pure grit. When someone so vulnerable is betrayed (and the word is betrayed), then life seems totally hopeless. When people you expect to have some kindness use you to further their fun-loving reputation by humiliating you for all time, and you’re only a teenager, you feel you will never be able to show your face or trust anybody again. Everything is magnified, including pain, when you’re a teenager.
Tyler would have survived had he believed he could live through this humiliation and hold up his head again. That he was gay is not the issue. Had he been straight, we’d be having the same conversation. This is not about sexual orientation. This is about the awful inhumanity that is mainstreamed most horrendously via the Internet.
My heart goes out to this boy…I know what he felt, and I wish I had been there to tell him so.TrackBack URI