When Bad Things Happen to Children

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On my SiriusXM show recently, I spoke about the meaning of life, and then I got this email from Lisa:

I heard part of your program today and you read about the different thoughts about the meaning of life… I’ve been thinking about that, too.

As the mother of a child who is dying of cancer, like many of us, we are losing our faith in a big powerful “daddy in the sky” that hears our prayers. I’ve heard from Christians that “God doesn’t give you what you can’t handle” but I can’t handle this. “God gives you strength to get through it” – no, He doesn’t. I’m about to lose my mind… the pain is much too great to bear. I hear that this is God’s plan, or that God needs another angel. If he needed another angel, he would just take one, HE WOULDN’T TORTURE THEM FIRST! How could he PLAN to put a child through this kind of HELL? What good could ever come out of this?

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness month. We wear gold ribbons, but only 3% of cancer research goes to childhood cancers. Does anybody care? Is the meaning of life only to do research on the “popular” cancers because they are the ones that will make money for the one who finds the cure? My son’s cancer is so rare that he gets the same chemotherapy he would have had in the 1980s… it doesn’t get researched.

Please tell me what the meaning of life is!

If you look at God as a “big powerful daddy in the sky that hears [your] prayers” and will give you what you want, and if you are a good person, you can’t help but be disappointed on a daily basis. That doesn’t seem to be the way it works. 

I know no other pain on the face of the earth that is greater than a parent having to see their child suffer and die.   I think parents would rather they suffer and die and trade themselves in for their kids.  So, this is the worst torture, but this is not a test of God.  That someone’s child or husband or wife or parent or friend gets ill and dies is not a test of whether or not there is a God.  There isn’t a test of whether or not there is a God — that’s why it’s called “faith.” To say that “I’m dubious about God” because my prayers aren’t being answered in the way that I want, is, in my opinion, never to have understood faith in the first place, but just to have played a social role in which you call yourself “religious.” 

There is no explanation for these things.  And, I agree with Lisa when she writes:  “If he needed another angel, he would just take one, HE WOULDN’T TORTURE THEM FIRST!….What good could ever come out of this?”  I like that answer of hers.  I think telling somebody this is God’s plan is a little obnoxious and I always thought it was.  It’s your assumption God is planning this.  You have no proof of that.  People go back to the story of Job and what he had to suffer and Abraham who almost wiped out his own kid until God said, “I see you really love me.  You don’t have to do this.” 

There are some important concepts and issues here.  When any of us says “I can’t handle this,” yet we make it through every day, we are handling it.  “Handling it” doesn’t mean it feels good or it’s easy; “handling it” usually means we are surviving it and doing the best we can.

I don’t understand all of the mass murders of the world — Stalin, Pol Pot, Germany, Japan. I don’t understand how that’s God’s will or God’s plan. It doesn’t make any sense to me, either.  And I don’t know how to put it together.  I don’t know how it’s God’s plan to have little children put in ovens and killed.  Or mommies and their children shot to death and put into a hole in the ground, naked.  I don’t understand how any of that is God’s plan.  So, I have no answer to that. 

This was not a theological thing where I was going to explain what life really means, other than there’s always been horror.  It’s like the horror films you see in the movies where there’s evil and someone in the church or somebody else finally squelches the evil and at the end you see the evil creeping up through the ground again. 

There is evil, there is disappointment, there is pain, there is everything.  So, ultimately, whether you really believe in God or not, we really need to hold on to each other.  There is something about touching the hand of another who corroborates your pain.  That’s why with parents in this situation, I always tell them to find other parents in this situation.  They will be the first ones to hug you and they won’t get tired of hearing from you like other relatives will.  It’s not they get tired, per se, it’s just they can’t do anything to help and it’s upsetting, so they don’t want to hear it anymore.  They are not being bad, they just don’t know how to fix it. They feel guilt and they feel uncomfortable and then they start feeling anger.  So, to go to people who have been there and done that is the way we hold on to each other.  Some people call that behavior the way God helps you go through things which are inexplicable. 

So, let’s not call bad things that happen “God’s plan,” because that hurts people.  God planned to hurt my kid?  You’re gonna tell me, there’s some higher power and I’m supposed to rise above that pain and say absolutely “I adore you?”  I think it’s a horrible thing to tell people.  I don’t think it’s good to tell kids God’s an all-powerful “daddy in the sky” who can do anything.  Well, then why isn’t he doing it for me?  I don’t like when people walk out of a bus that just been in a crash and they are alive and everyone else is dead and they say, “but for the grace of God.”  What the heck does that mean?  God intentionally wiped them out and kept you?

I think we want to feel special like we feel to a parent.  God is some kind of extension of parenthood.  We sometimes don’t realize how cruel we sound.  So, here’s my frame of reference for all of this.  There are evil things people do because they are evil.  There are horrible things that happen just because there are horrible things that happen.  The human body has weaknesses and that’s just the way it is.  There aren’t cures for everything because we are not good enough yet to produce them.  It’s hard to get money for things only a few people suffer from – Lisa is right about that.

The bottom line is we’ve got to hold on to each other.  That’s the immediate salvation: to hold on to each other’s love, support, and kind feeling.  It’s irrelevant if bad things are happening or not.  The way to make it through life, I believe, is to really be compassionate and to be open to compassion.  That’s what helps you get through the things that are inexplicable and horrible.

Every Mommy Has A Story

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As we celebrate Mother’s Day, let’s not forget that we all have family stories to tell.  I have one about a stuffed bear who helped our family when my son was still an infant.

Moms Have Some Control Over Rise in Childhood Obesity

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A good two-thirds of our population is fat or obese and that also goes for our kids..  Fat and obese.  And there is more and more evidence coming out as to why.  Poor eating habits, poor activity habits, and not genetics are the underlying causes for adolescent obesity according to a new study in the American Heart Journal.

In 1980, 6.5% of US children, from 6 – 11 were considered obese.  That rose 20% by 2008. 

Only one third of all kids were reported as exercising a minimum of 1/2 hour for 5 days during the prior week.  Do you realize…only one third of all kids were reported as exercising only 1/2 hour for 5 days.  What is that?  Kids don’t need to exercise — they need to go out and play.  Formal exercise is not necessary.  They need to go out and play. 

Obese kids were less likely than non-obese kids to participate in regular exercise.  No kidding — don’t you love research like that?  A lack of sleep is linked to obesity.  Giving babies solid food too early is linked to obesity later on, except if kids are breast fed for a minimum of four months.  Breast feeding seemed to fix that.

The most important part of this study is the part that gets people mad.  Well, it gets moms mad.  Children’s chances of becoming fat rises the longer mothers work outside the home.  Weight problems among children have soared in the past 3 decades as more women have joined the workforce. 

A consortium of researchers at American University examined the relationship between kids’ weight and mothers’ work schedules and what factors about a woman’s work might contribute to fat kids.  They used data from 990 school-aged children in the study of early childhood and youth development.  The longer the woman worked, the higher the likelihood her kids would be fat. 

 I’ve gotten so many calls from moms upset their overweight kids, are getting razzed at school about being fat or obese.  And they want everybody to stop commenting on it.  My suggestion is to make sure your family is not fat or obese anymore and the comments will stop!  It’s a voluntary condition. 

Just do this little bit of anecdotal research:  go to any restaurant (lunchtime in particular).  Look at the thin people and see what they order.  Look at the fat people and see what they order.  By and large (pun intended) you will literally see why one is heavy and one is not.  Last week, I went to a family-style restaurant and I got myself a salad.  Salads can be very fattening if you put on dressing, so I always have the dressing on the side and take a little on the fork and drizzle it around..  I always get salads that have a little fruit in them because that keeps it moist.  And I look over at the next table and what do I see? A huge cheeseburger and French Fries.  I couldn’t believe it in this day and age. 

But the main problem children have is the inattention of their mothers, because their mothers are burning the candle from one end to the other and all along the middle.  Because women have been bullied by the feminist mentality, they no longer believe  being a mother and a wife and a homemaker is an adequate thing for anybody to do.

So they have full-time jobs, kids and a husband.  They can’t adequately take care of their kids to make sure they exercise and eat right.  I think it was 60% of what people spend on food these days is spent on fast food.  Well fast food tastes good because it’s high in sugar, salt and fat.  That’s what makes it taste good.

So when you think  “oh that piece of fish is so buttery,” it is!  God didn’t make that fish that way.  Whoever is in the back with the chef’s hat did it..  Yet mommies aren’t taking care of their families.  They are too busy feeling they should work or they are meaningless human beings.  They don’t feel like shopping and cooking fresh dinners for their kids.  And the whole family is sedentary because everybody is tired. 

So kids are fat.  And yeah, it’s primarily mom.  Sorry, I’m a woman.  I’m looking at this and remember that I always made sure we had proper food.  As far as exercise; my kid was always up and out and running.  That’s what kids should be doing. 

I am frustrated so many of you women have underestimated your importance.  What studies like this show is how important you are to the well-being and health of your children.  Being told you can dump them in day care and just shove any kind of food and put them into bed and that’s it, as long as there is money in the tiller, belies the fact that you’re really very necessary for their health and welfare, happiness, structure, religion –  all of this.  We call it “Mommy Power.”  And so many women are willing to give up mommy power for some job, for some money.  Even in this economy, it is very important we take care of ourselves as a family. 

Are Chinese Mothers Superior?

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The blogosphere is all abuzz with a lot of women furious about an article in the Wall Street Journal titled “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior.”  It’s an excerpt from Amy Chua’s new book “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother,” and basically, it’s an analysis of the Asian mentality versus the Western mentality of raising children.  If I had to pick one myself, I’d pick the Asian method of raising children. 

Chua writes: …A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids.  They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies…and whether they could do it too. 
   …
…when Western parents think they’re being strict, they usually don’t come close to being Chinese mothers.  For example, my Western friends who consider themselves strict make their children practice their instruments 30 minutes every day, an hour at most.  For a Chinese mother, the first hour is the easy part.  It’s hours two and three that get tough.
   …
Despite our squeamishness about cultural stereotypes, there are…studies out there showing marked and quantifiable differences between Chinese and Westerners when it comes to parenting.  In one study…almost 70% of the Western mothers said either that ‘stressing academic success is not good for children,’ or ‘parents need to foster the idea that learning is fun.’  By contrast, roughly ZERO per cent of the Chinese mothers felt the same way…..Other studies indicate that compared to Western parents, Chinese parents spend approximately 10 times as long every day drilling academic activities with their children.  By contrast, Western kids are more likely to just go play some sports.

I’ve been complaining for three decades about Western parents and just the things Amy Chua talks about.  One of the main differences I have seen between Asian families and Western families is that Asian families will put in the time.  They will not go blame the teacher.  They’ll work with their kid until the kid “gets” it.  Western families mostly blame the teacher and the school and moon spots, because (with their dual careers, divorce, remarriage, shacking up, and love lives) they don’t put in the time. 

I’m much more a believer in the ultimate benefits of strength and courage and tenacity in life that you find with the Asian mentality.  However, when the kids become adults, they can choose their way.  But when they’re growing up, they need to learn how to handle choosing their way.

Think of the Child, Not Yourself

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I’m getting more and more scared for our country and our society.  The attitudes and behaviors which were once marginalized are now becoming mainstream, tearing apart the fabric of families and the well-being of individuals.

You may remember my comments about Jennifer Aniston’s movie “The Switch,” which focused on parenthood via donor insemination.  Well, she had a bit of a tussle with Bill O’Reilly, who said in August that Aniston’s comments on women’s ability to become mothers without men were “destructive to our society.”
 
He was right.

What is this feminist, liberal rush to eliminate dads from the life of children?  We already know the promiscuity of little girls and the sociopathic behavior of little boys in families without a dad.  The agenda of “I am woman, hear me roar” is louder than the factual necessity of a dad in the lives of children?  How could that happen?

FoxNews.com reported that Melissa Singer  “always knew she didn’t want to get married.  It wasn’t that she didn’t like men or relationships; she just never felt the desire for constant partnership.  What she did want, however was a child.” The New York City woman is quoted as saying: “Motherhood was the thing I wanted to do most in the world.  I wanted to have a child.  I wanted to be able to pass along the traditions that my family had.  I wanted to be able to give my parents a grandchild.”

So she went to the local sperm bank.  Her child is now 14, and doesn’t have a daddy, because mommy was (in my opinion) too controlling and narcissistic to marry for the sake of the child.

Eric Blyth, a professor of social work in a British university told LifeScience that “I could never really see that there was such a big difference certainly from the child’s point of view between adoption and donor conception, in terms of children knowing where they come from.”

Good Lord, is he kidding?  An adoption to a two-parent, “mom and dad” family has the same impact that the knowledge that there really is no dad – just sperm from a laboratory??  On what planet does he think this could possibly be true?

This does point out, however, that agenda trumps facts more and more these days.

Through the lens of Hollywood, we’re mainstreaming behavior which hurts children and society, while positioning that behavior as equal to or even superior to traditional attitudes.  We have movies about confusion as to whose sperm donation did the deed; we have movies about two women with one sperm donor, and the humor and warmth that comes from that situation – all in the service of redefining the family as whatever you wish it to be.

We also have several television programs depicting multiple-wife situations as a reasonable alternative to the intimacy and commitment between a man and a woman in the covenant of marriage.

Basically, ours is becoming a free-for-all society where folks can have what they want….at the expense of children.

I’ve been warning about this for three decades, only to be met with indictments of being “hateful” to the adults in these situation.

I do not hate.

I suffer the children.

How to Be A GOOD Stay-At-Home Mom

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According to one of my listeners, just because you stay at home with your kids, that alone doesn’t necessarily make you a good stay-at-home parent. She wanted more from me about how she could be the best she could be for them:

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read the transcript.

Mom Can’t Stop Giving Me Advice!

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We moms are always giving advice to our kids, no matter how old they are.  But it’s not always welcome, as you’ll hear from this young woman:

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read the transcript..

Daycares Don’t Care

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I consider day care (outside of emergency backup) a form of child neglect, and definitely one of society’s ills, as mothers are being universally reinforced to turn their babies, toddlers, and small children over to institutionalization instead of loving parental contact for most of the day. 

One of you emailed to me a link to a website called Daycares Don’t Care…How Can A Daycare Love?  It’s at www.daycaresdontcare.org.  Here’s a sample of what’s on their homepage:

“Everyone knows it’s true, but almost everyone is afraid to say it:  day care institutions don’t care about or love your child like you do.  For years, many experts have been warning us about the detrimental consequences for children placed in day care.  This website contains an extensive index of publications about the problems with day care from well-known child development authorities, psychologist, psychiatrists, pediatricians, public policy analysts, sociologists, day care providers, and others.

This collection of day care information seeks to counterbalance the relentless pressure placed upon parents to abandon their children to these impersonal institutions.

These findings show no amount of legislation, government funding, money, early childhood training, regulations or inspections can make a day care LOVE your child.

Additionally, this website is intended to encourage and affirm those parents who have made the choice to avoid day care and care for their own children – a choice that too often has been criticized and devalued by many in our society.”

Did you see Toy Story 3, about a group of toys escaping from the hellish “Sunnyside Day Care?”  One of the toys says “Day care is a sad place.”

This website is wonderful, and filled with important information you need to know for your own well-being as well as your child’s.  We’ve heard enough of media complaining about a “day care crisis” instead of a “home care crisis,” and enough of politicians pushing for more government day care subsidies versus tax breaks for at-home parenting.  We’ve had enough of people extolling the benefits of institutionalized child care while disdaining at-home parental involvement.  Enough!

Do check out www.daycaresdontcare.org, and help yourself and the next mom out there who could benefit from your pro-family activities by feeling supported in doing what should come naturally:  loving your child versus watching them on a nannycam.