Baby Talking

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Busy, busy mothers tuned in to their cellphones, BlackBerrys, iPods, iPhones, and chatty girlfriends, just don’t have the time to tune in to their children – that’s just reality!  And you can’t expect nannies (equipped with the same electronics) or day care workers with scads of kids to supervise or babysitters with other things to do to spend time tuning into your children either.  That’s just reality.

Why is this an issue?  Well, children just don’t develop their language, communication skills, sensitivity to eye contact and facial expressions without input, stimulation and attention.  This fact will surely dismay parents and liberal educators who say kids just need a few minutes of quality time a day, and they’ll be just fine.

According to Randi Jacoby, a speech and language specialist in New York, who was quoted in the New York Times:  “Parents have stopped having good communications with their young children, causing them to lose out on the eye contact, facial expression and overall feedback that is essential for early communication development.”

That means that, instead of you parents going off to work when you have babies or small children, and then handing them over to institutionalized care or the care of someone hired to watch them all day and report back to you about “food in and waste out,” you need to be home with your children, doing things like:

• Recognizing that communication begins as soon as the baby is born.  The way you touch, hold, look at and talk to your baby helps him or her learn language.  Even though your child doesn’t necessarily understand what you’re saying, your calm, reassuring voice is what he or she needs to feel safe.  You cannot spoil babies with attention and responsiveness to their cries.
• Talking all the time while you are doing things.  Talk about where you are going, what you will do when you get there, and who/what you’ll see.  Talk about cleaning up the dishes, preparing meals, putting on makeup – everything – all of this is attention.
• Putting down the cellphone or other electronic device to look your child in the eyes as he or she tries to communicate or when you are engaging him.  Responding to a child’s communicative attempts with complete attention is a sign of interest and love, and it teaches communication.  It might even help you with your spouse!
• Engaging your child in conversation, once he or she starts talking.  Expand what they are saying to help them learn to do the same.  For example, when your child says “Doggie,” respond with “Yes, that is a big black dog.”  Ask questions, play games, sing songs, recite nursery rhymes, and read books.

 Parenting is not about making sure your child lives through the day.  It’s about an investment of time, and loving energy to help them develop the skills they will need to function well in life.  Nannies, day care workers and babysitters just don’t fill the bill.  Nobody trumps a loving mom and dad.

Unintentional Surrogate Motherhood

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A short time into her pregnancy, a married woman in Ohio was told by her husband that he had just received a call from the fertility clinic which helped them attain this pregnancy.  The clinic “goofed,” and the baby in her belly was the product of the embryo of some other couple, who now expected her to go through childbirth and hand over the baby.

This couple is quite religious and they don’t believe in abortion, so in spite of their immense personal pain, they planned to hand over the baby after it was born (they did so at the end of September, when the woman delivered a healthy baby boy).Their only request was to see and hold the baby first, as they had already formed a bond.

Shame on the clinic for making that phone call!  You may be shocked at that response, but since strangers meet, fall in love, marry and spend their lives together, it’s obvious that genetics is not the prime criterion for love, or no one would be able to adopt a child.

Having been pregnant, I’ll tell you that at the absolute instant of fertilization, an intense relationship starts (and continues, in spite of morning sickness, and inevitable heartburn and constipation).  This actual “birth mother” is traumatized, as is her whole family.  And for what?  Ownership of an embryo?

I remember a Law and Order episode where the “punch line” was that the father who raised the now-teenage boy was revealed NOT to be the biological father, and he lost custody.  Shameful and cruel, I thought.

Some people think that because something is “the truth,” that it should be revealed.  Not necessarily, and especially not when terrible human suffering ensues.

The “embryo” family simply could have kept trying, and there is no proof that this particular embryo would have thrived until birth in the genetic mother. 

I think everyone was better off with this truth not being spoken.

Staying Home for Older Kids

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Not long ago, I posted a video on my YouTube Channel addressing whether it was ever too late to be a stay-at-home mom. I got the following response to that video from a listener, and she’s my “guest blogger” for today, especially because this is the week a lot of parents send their kids back to school:

Dear Dr. Laura:
I have always been at home with my kids, who are now 11, 14, and 16. I am so thankful that I am still home with them, and feel it’s just as important now as it was when they were little.

Since I am home, all the kids come over here. I have the benefit of knowing my kids’ friends and their parents well, and knowing where my kids are and who they are with. This has been especially important during the summer, when many kids spend long hours unsupervised. I knew my 16 year old was not out drinking or getting in trouble, because he was right here. We went swimming together one day, and talked about his plans for college and how he felt about the upcoming school year-another one of those precious and important conversations I would have missed if I wasn’t here.

During the school year, it’s during the first 15 minutes after they get home that I hear all about their day, their troubles and their triumphs. I would miss that if I were at work. I am the mom who can pick up friends, work in the classroom, bake last minute cookies, and make a costume for drama, because I am home.

The older they get, the more I realize how short our time is with them, and the more thankful I am for every minute. I enjoy my teens much more now than I did when they were little, and I am grateful every day that I will not miss their last year as children. And yes, you better believe that both I and the kids thank my wonderful husband that Mom is able to be at home during this critical time.

Thanks for standing up for those of us who are at home doing “nothing” all day with our older kids.

Lynn

Kissing My Baby’s Face Off

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People often make comments about the behavior of mothers who yell at their kids or smack them in public.  But what do you do when you get a complaint about offering your child “too much” affection?

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

Is It Ever Too Late to Be a SAHM?

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A mother of a 14 year old asked this very good question.  Watch to see my answer:

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

72-Year-Old Woman Tries To Have a Child

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I should have curly hair by now, especially considering the shenanigans and cruelty perpetrated on children by self-centered adults who have the title “parent.”  Their behavior would curl anyone’s hair.

A 72-year-old woman realized that she “always wanted a child, but spent [her] younger years devoted to academics, achieving degrees in medical sciences and zoology.  I’d always had it in the back of my mind that when the time was right I’d like to have a child.  But my studies meant that children kept getting delayed.  The right time finally came in my early 50s, and since then, I’ve been attempting, and failing, with IVF [in-vitro fertilization].”

This excuse for a prospective mother has never had a long term relationship (no time for that either), and therefore doesn’t even have an ancient daddy to provide for the child.  As for her age?  Well, she figures anyone can die at any time (and she’s a scientist?  She’s supposed to understand actuarial tables).  She really believes she’s going to last long enough in good enough health, or she says she’ll “ask one of my younger friends to be a guardian.”

So, IF she conceives (and I sincerely hope her 20 years of fertility failure continue), she’ll play with the kid and then just pass him or her off to some friend.  Great.

Remember the Italian woman, then the oldest to give birth in 2006 at the age of 67?  She died recently.  You can count the age of her orphaned child on less than one hand.

If this woman succeeds, she will have the title of the oldest mother in the world.  I would suggest that she will be the oldest female creature to give birth, as a real mother would never set up her own child for this selfish foolishness.  I wish this fertility doctor would have his license revoked.  The same should happen to the American doctor who impregnated the “Octomom.”

Freedoms without limits automatically encroach upon good sense, compassion, and someone else’s well-being.  This is just another example of how insignificant the needs of children have become as compared to the impulsive, self-centered desires of adults who want children, but who don’t necessarily want to be bothered by the needs of children.

Remembering A Child Lost

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I received this poignant email about a heartbreaking topic, but Kelly has found inspiration in her loss, and that’s the message I’d like to pass on to all of you:

Dr. Laura:
I listened to a call you took from a woman who had lost a baby (a twin), and wondered how to handle this as she tried to go forward in life.  I thought I’d share how my family has coped with our loss.

My son was stillborn almost 13 years ago now.  He was my first baby, and the loss was devastating, especially since it was such a struggle to conceive him at all.  Three months after the loss I became pregnant again (huge surprise!).  How could I be happy for this baby when I was still mourning my son?  It was scary and hard, but I was determined to notice what would become good memories, so that I would have them to share with this child as she was growing up and wanting to hear how happy we were as we anticipated her arrival.  But I still struggled each year as the anniversary of my son’s birth/death approached. 

And then I read a story about a woman who had been raped and left for dead.  After years of agonizing fear and dread as the anniversary of her attack approached each year, she decided to do something to change all that.  She used that date each year to celebrate her life, and the fact that she still had it.  By this time, we had already shared with our daughter that she had a brother in heaven who watched over her.  I decided to take that a step further.

Rather than trying to cover up or explain my sadness at that time each year, I decided to make it a time of remembrance and appreciation.  If nothing else, my son’s death taught me just how fleeting this life is, and there is not a moment to take for granted. It took me a long time to get to this place, but now, on that day each year, my husband, my daughter and I take that day off (no matter what) just to spend time with each other doing something fun, and remembering how appreciative we are that we have each other.

We’ve been camping, spent a day at the park, went to the beach…anything that immersed us in each other.  And we take time out to remember our son, and thank him for that awesome lesson.  When it comes to the loss of a child, I really think every person has to find his or her own way.  I just thought I’d share ours, in hopes that it might help someone else.

Kelly

Mommy Journaling Reinforces The Joys of Staying Home

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I’m traveling this week, doing my radio program from Detroit and then from Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, so I thought I’d feature a guest blogger today, who wrote in with the following comments:

Hi, Dr. Laura!
I am a stay-at-home mom of two beautiful children, ages 4 1/2 and almost 2.  I have been a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) since the middle of my first pregnancy.  I just picked up your book “In Praise of Stay-At-Home Moms,” and read it cover-to-cover in two days.  At first, the book made me angry.  Not at anything you said, but it stirred up some old emotions in me that I thought I had buried long ago.

You see, I have felt a lot of negativity from my in-laws since the day my husband and I decided that I would quit my job to stay home to raise our family.  My mother-in-law and father-in-law, and even both brothers-in-law and their wives, who all have children in day care, felt that I was not pulling my weight-that I was a burden on my husband, and that my children should be in day care.  Can you imagine?!!

My husband and I lead a completely different lifestyle from them, but that didn’t seem to matter to them. We don’t have a thirty foot trailer for camping, and it’s not important for us to have brand new SUVs or granite countertops.  We can have those material things in due time, if we choose.

Reading your book made me think about the past again, the way my children and I have been treated over the years, and it brought back all the anger and resentment.  As I continued reading your book, it clicked!  My in-laws are jealous of the quality time that I get to spend with my children every day.  Also, the biggie for me:  happiness is a matter of perspective.  Both my husband and I feel like we are doing the right thing by having me stay-at-home and that’s all that matters.  Period.

In a quest to keep the right perspective, I have started journaling my proud “mommy moments,” and I thought I would share this with you.  Perhaps this might help other SAHMs keep a positive outlook, too.  There’s no denying that being a full-time stay-at-home mom is both rewarding and challenging.  So, I started journaling all the wonderful moments that I experience with my children on a daily basis - the moments I would never be able to experience via Mommy-cam. 

Today, my daughter lovingly brushed the hair away from my forehead and kissed me sweetly on my forehead, just as I have done to her countless times.  I wrote it down.  When my little boy wraps his pudgy arms around my legs and squeezes me with all his might, I write it down.  That way, when things get tough, which they will, I can quickly glance over my Mommy journal and see why I’m doing this again, to help me keep a positive outlook.  I know this won’t make whatever is troubling me magically disappear, but I do think that seeing what’s positive and wonderful in my life will help to clear my head and give me strength for Round 2 and 3.

You have been such a wonderful influence on me, Dr. Laura.  Thank you for helping to lift my chin, so when people ask me what I do for a living, I can respond, smiling, “I am a proud FULL-time stay-at-home Mommy and I love my life.”

God bless you and yours,

C.