No Ifs, Ands, or Butts

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The city of Opa-locka, Florida voted unanimously to fine people $250 if they don’t pull their pants up.  Opa-locka city leaders decided to expand the current ban on saggy pants to include the fine or  ten hours of community service to those who refuse to keep their pants up.  The City Commissioner, Timothy Holmes, led the charge against the “sagging” crowd, saying that the low-pants practice intimidates the public, provides a distraction in schools, and is a blight on the community. 

“Dress like somebody.  Be somebody,” Holmes is quoted as saying.  “It’s time for us now to try to teach our people how to dress.”

The ACLU, of course, got into this:  “Policymakers acting as fashion police is a ridiculous waste of public resources.  Laws like this disproportionately penalize African-American youth and law enforcement and will impose overly harsh penalties for victimless behavior.”

The Commissioner fired back with: “That might get some crime off the street.”

Ohhhhhh.  This sounds on the surface like racial profiling/racism/discrimination, right?  And who has the right to dictate proper decorum in the streets and self-respectful behavior??

Well, I’ll tell you who:  Myra Taylor, the Mayor of Opa-locka, is black.  The Vice Mayor, Dorothy Johnson, is black.  The three commissioners, Rose Tydus, Timothy Holmes, and Gail Miller, are all black.  Poor Timothy is the token male!
According to US Census information, the total population of Opa-locka is just short of 15,000:  22.8% are white; 69.6% are black.

They have great posters up around the town, showing male youths from [ahem] behind, with baggy pants and the words:  “No ifs, ands, or butts.”

Huzzahs to Opa-locka for making the effort to elevate their youth from within.

Law School Student Wants His Tuition Back

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A third-year Boston College Law School student facing dismal job prospects and a mountain of student loan debt has offered the prestigious law school a unique deal:  keep the degree, and give him back his tuition!

Good gracious, here’s another example of the generation of young people who:

1.  Buy something they can’t afford (in this case, tuition), and then complain about the debt.

2. Expect that since they showed up, there should be a party (or at least the job of their dreams).

With the housing situation as it is (people buying homes they couldn’t afford), you’d think their kids would “get” it:  if you can’t pay, don’t dance.  Investing in your own future does not mean that the dividends will be easily gotten.

It’s not that there isn’t a need for legal experts, it’s just these young adults have the notion they should start at the top, instead of putting out a shingle and helping people as best they can while working up and perhaps looking toward being in a larger firm.  No, instead of that kind of thinking, the mentality today is:  “I put in three years of my life and took on huge loans….Now I AM ENTITLED to the brass ring.”

We’re not adequately teaching our children humility, patience and a work ethic.  Getting an education is a stepping stone, but it does not come with a GPS – we all have to meander a bit.  Pay dues. Get real life experience, struggle and sacrifice, and then – maybe – we’ll get exactly what we want.

Here’s another take:  a man goes up a mountain in Tibet to talk to the wisest man on the earth.  He reaches the summit, finds the old guy, and asks “Which way is success?”
The guru points in a direction.  The man, all excited, climbs down the mountain and rushes in that direction.  SPLAT!  He comes up against a wall.
 
He’s upset, but figures he made a mistake somehow and then goes back up the mountain to the guru and asks again:  “Which way is success?”
 
Again, the guru points off into the distance.  The man comes down the mountain and again attempts the journey.  SPLAT!  He is exhausted, starving, frustrated, and getting angry.

He goes back up the mountain and yells at the guru:  “I asked which way is success twice.  I followed your directions…twice!  I’m tired, hungry, frustrated, and very, very angry.  Now, old man, “WHICH WAY IS SUCCESS?”

This time, the guru spoke:  “It is that way – a little past SPLAT.”

No Excuse for Chronic Lateness

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There are lots of ways to show others disrespect.  One very typical example of disrespectful behavior is being chronically late.  Oh, people have lots of excuses:  the dog, the computer, the kid, the traffic, the moon spots, and, of course “stuff happens.”

I’m not talking about an isolated event.  I’m talking about a pattern of behavior.  Being chronically late not only messes up plans, it hurts feelings.  I believe more often than not, chronic lateness is passive-aggressive behavior.  That means the individual who is always late is saying (in code):  “I am more important than you; you can’t tell me what to do; you are not in control of me; I will do what I wish to do,” and more.  Instead of saying all this directly, however, the behavior says it while the conversation is one of “Oh, I’m sorry.  I tried to make it on time.”  The meaning behind the behavior is the “aggression,” and the attempt to make it seem accidental is the “passive” part.

It is also true many folks just pile too much into a day to properly handle all their responsibilities; such anxiety-directed personalities find themselves always up to their eyeballs in too many self-selected obligations, responsibilities, busy work, promises, desires, and on and on and on.

And now, people can email and text and call from a little hand phone.  They very likely feel less and less upset about being late and making others wait because  (they rationalize) “At least I’m letting them know of my progress.”  None of that, however, changes the frustration, disappointment and hurt in the hearts and minds of those left waiting…and waiting…and waiting.

Relationships have been lost over this misbehavior, and rightfully so.  Friendships are supposed to be reciprocal in interest, thoughtfulness, compassion and respect.  When they are consistently lopsided, it is no longer a healthy friendship.

I had a friend who was chronically late.  Nonetheless, we planned to go to an event together.  I warned her most clearly:  “If you are not here at the stroke of 7 or before, turn your car around.  I’ll be gone, probably permanently.”  This friend was there about 30 seconds before 7.
 
Rules and expectations and consequences have to be considered.  It’s one thing to be disrespected by someone; it is quite another to constantly permit it to happen.  This just gives the chronic “latester” more permission to repeat the behavior.  Remember, I’m not talking about unavoidable circumstances.  I am  talking about patterns of behavior.

Excuses and More Excuses

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Do you have any idea how many calls I take on my radio program having to do with being overweight and out of condition?  Some people make unfortunate choices in a romantic partner because they believe that being fat makes them  less attractive to a more preferable partner.  Parents call with complaints their obese and sedentary children are being “razzed” in school.  Many women have told me they don’t have sex with their husbands because they hate the way their bodies look!  And others have weight-related medical problems, like adult-onset diabetes, bad knees and low energy.

Ultimately, it all comes down to something that is fixable if there’s an effort made to routinely exercise and moderate one’s food intake.

Nonetheless, the callers generally dismiss this rather straightforward solution with “issues” of depression, low self-esteem, problems from childhood, difficult schedules, etc., all to explain or excuse not exercising or controlling their eating habits.

It’s true eating (the first activity we experience upon birth) is a source of solace and pleasure.  However, as mature adults, we have to satisfy those human needs in healthier ways than letting our bodies be punished into obesity, poor balance, or bad conditioning, all which diminish the quality of life and life’s intimacies.

According to Bloomberg Business Week, only 5% of American adults do some type of vigorous physical activity on any given day.  Most of the respondents to their survey reported such sedentary activities as eating and drinking (96%), watching TV/movies (80%) or only very light activities such as washing, dressing, grooming (79%) or driving a car/motorcycle (71%).

Worse still, the most reported “moderate activity” was food and drink preparation!  38% of the women and 13% of the men listed that one as a physical activity.

These facts demonstrate that, generally, being out of condition is largely a voluntary condition for which people then complain about a lack of motivation. The reason many people join exercise and diet groups is they are held accountable as a motivation. Being part of a group which all has the same goal (e.g., weight loss, muscle toning) puts you in a competitive atmosphere as well as a supportive one.  Going for walks with others, working out with friends, getting involved in a healthy cooking group and other similar examples all contribute to accountability.

Motivation is not a miracle, and it’s not something you should count on before you do what is right, good, and healthy for yourself and others.  Discipline ultimately comes from wanting to be proud of yourself and by learning about your level of courage and character.

Short-Term Thrill, Long-Term Pain

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I can’t get one recent caller out of my head.  A young married woman had her and her husband’s friends (another married couple) come live with them and pay rent for a room in their home.  The married friend and her husband were living with the bride’s mommy because they could not afford to take care of themselves.  The caller and her husband “took pity” on them and provided them a room.  The caller was upset because the friend wouldn’t sign a contract concerning neatness and other items.

I was upset because our whole country’s economy has collapsed under the weight of people “drinking wine before its time” (if you remember an old Orson Welles commercial).  What I mean by this is:  if you can’t afford it, you can’t have it until such time as you’ve earned it.
 
Another young caller got married secretly to her “shack-up” because she wanted to be married “now!”  Parents, relatives and friends were excluded.  And now, she’s got to ‘fess up that she didn’t want to “earn” their approval for her marital choice.  She just jumped right into it.

It’s all the same phenomenon:  investing in things and people before you know what you’re doing, and before you’re able to handle the issues with sufficient resources.

It may give a moment’s thrill to have powered through and gotten what you wanted, but then the realities hit, and you’re left with a mortgage you can’t afford, a spouse you barely know, and situations you really can’t handle.  Short-term thrill, long-term pain.

I remember when I was on local radio in Los Angeles at night, and my ratings went through the roof.  One out of every four people listening to radio at that time were listening to my program.  I got a wonderful bonus, and I asked my husband if I could use a small part of it to get one of those tennis bracelets – you know, a string of tiny diamonds.  He got one for me, and I was thrilled to no end; not so much because I owned some little diamonds, but because it represented earning something by working very hard.  I would take care of my son Deryk all day, and then drive to the radio station to be on the air, then come home at 2 AM to get up at 6AM to start my day again.

Things don’t matter much if they don’t represent something.

So slow down, build, earn, and then you can really enjoy.

Don’t Rescue Out-Of-Control Kids

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Many modern parents have a very bad habit of coddling their children, ultimately turning them into out-of-control monsters.

Here’s one scenario:  a driver in Florida left the keys in the ignition and the engine running of his 1966 Acura Integra to run inside an Italian restaurant to pick up a take-out order.  That was just too much temptation for a 17 year old, who with his 14 year old buddy, jumped in the car and drove away.  He was followed by owner in a separate car, police were called, a description went out and the two were apprehended post haste.

At the 17 year old’s hearing, his mother told the court his father was serving with the military in Iraq and, basically, her boy was out of control.  The judge set his bail at $25,000, pending trial for felony charges of possession of a stolen vehicle, and a misdemeanor battery charge and several traffic citations.  His mother informed the judge she, indeed, did have the money to meet bail, but she wanted him to stay locked up.

The judge said: “I want to know why there are not more parents like this.  I applaud her for her truthfulness.”  As her errant teen was hauled off to the holding cell, Mom told him “You think about that, while your Dad’s in Iraq!”

This mother did just the right thing.  Her son will suffer the ugly consequences of his disrespectful, out-of-control, arrogant behavior, and it will make an impact.  If he is rescued by Mama with bail and a manipulative lawyer who will say the kid is upset because his dad is in combat, this boy will be further lost into the “Lord of the Flies” scenario.

I remember reading Alfred Hitchcock’s father arranged for him to stay overnight in a jail cell in their English town.  This was entirely prophylactic, as he hadn’t done anything wrong.  Hitchcock reported being so very scared he never, never, never did anything which would get him back there for real.

Hopefully, this young man will have the same reaction, or he’ll be back for a longer stay next time.

The Peaks and Valleys of Changing

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Whenever we change a behavior (i.e., developing an exercise program, working at losing weight) it’s not uncommon to start out all “gung-ho” and then slip back into old habits.  That’s the challenge facing one listener:

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript.

My Apology

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Listen to “My Apology” here

These are my opening comments from my radio program today:

I talk every day about doing the right thing.  And yesterday, I did the wrong thing. 

I didn’t intend to hurt people, but I did.  And that makes it the wrong thing to have done.

I was attempting to make a philosophical point, and I articulated the “n” word all the way out – more than one time.  And that was wrong.  I’ll say it again – that was wrong.

I ended up, I’m sure, with many of you losing the point I was trying to make, because you were shocked by the fact that I said the word.  I, myself, realized I had made a horrible mistake, and was so upset I could not finish the show.  I pulled myself off the air at the end of the hour.  I had to finish the hour, because 20 minutes of dead air doesn’t work.  I am very sorry.  And it just won’t happen again.

I received some letters, and what touched me is that, even though many of you were upset, you still showed friendship for all the years we’ve been together on the air, and for that, trust me, I am very grateful.  Here’s an example:

I’d like to thank this woman for sending me this letter.  I was so very touched, and truthfully, it helped me make it through the night.  So I’m going to read this letter:

Dear Dr. Laura:

I have been a listener for at least 20 years.  I have bought and read several of your books.  I have always held you in high regard, and have encouraged others to listen to you as well.  I have to say, after today’s call with the African-American woman with the Caucasian husband who called seeking how to handle “racist” comments, I am a bit dismayed.  I believe that African-Americans using the n-word is disdainful, as well as Caucasians or any other race for that matter.  I agree that the argument some African-Americans use that it is ok for them to use it and not others, is ridiculous.  But, I have to say, when I heard you saying the word repeatedly, it struck a negative chord with me.

I don’t believe you are a racist, and I don’t believe, as an African-American woman, that I am hypersensitive.  I have to say after the call, I found it difficult to continue to listen to the rest of the show.  I have not made the decision to stop listening to your show, but I felt compelled to respond because I found it offensive.

Sincerely {and she gives her name}

One last note -
The caller in question (her name is Jade), called for help from me, and didn’t get it, because we got embroiled in the “n” word, and I’m really sorry about that, because I’m here for only one reason and that’s to be helpful, so I hope Jade or somebody who knows her is listening, and hope she will call me back and I will try my best to be helpful, which is what she wanted from me in the first place and what she did not get.