When You’re Bored, You’re Boring

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Quite a few recent calls to my radio program involve people who are dealing with the problem of being bored, and as many of you have heard me say many times - people who are bored are usually boring.  Either you can choose to be like a cork in the ocean, waiting for a wave or swell to elevate your mood or you can be pro-active and/or philosophical.

Pro-active means that you actually take control of your existence and do something which engages you, is generous, works up your sweat, adrenaline, and endorphins, or which challenges you to be inventive, creative and operating outside of the  box.

Philosophical means that you reframe your perspective.  For example, a nurse called to complain that she seems to get a higher percentage of the most difficult patients than others on the nursing staff.  She felt put upon.  I suggested that this was because she was the most competent to deal with such patients, but she countered with, “Well, I’m getting burned out.”  I then suggested that she make sure that she freshens up her brain and body with fun times, exercise, and friends.

A number of women who have exactly what they wanted in live (a husband, a home, children, and the freedom to be at home) have called to say they are overwhelmed and under motivated.  From a philosophical standpoint, motivation is more of a pop psych requirement of correct behavior than a true necessity.  For example, how do you motivate yourself to go into combat or a burning building in order to rescue people, or into surgery when you know there’s only a minimal chance of survival for the patient, but the procedure is their last, best hope?

We do what we must do/should do, because we have accepted that responsibility.  If everyone in a position of responsibility waited to “feeeeel” motivated, nothing would ever get done! 

I tell these women that if they behaved as though they were motivated, they would simply enjoy their lives more.  Waiting around for a trigger is passive and useless. 

From a pro-active standpoint, that means getting friends, hobbies and creating physical challenges, as well as acting like the kind of woman they would want to come home to.  If they do that, their husbands would come screeching through the door with enthusiasm.

So, if you’re bored, you’re being boring.  Get philosophical.  Get pro-active.  Don’t wait for a feeling - create a better mini-universe without whining, complaining, or feeling sorry for yourself. 

Remember the days of washboards and manual television controls?  No? Too bad.  You would then have the other “P” word:  perspective.

Parachute Jump Teacher Saves Student from Sure Death

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I’m writing today about Dave Hartsock of Texas, and all the people who are like him.

Dave was the instructor.  His student, a woman, was a total newbie.  The day for the parachute jump was beautiful:  sunny, clear, warm.  Dave gave Shirley her briefing before they took off in the airplane to jump - in tandem (that means attached to each other), as he has done hundreds of times.  This day was different.  This day the parachute did not deploy properly and they were spinning to their certain deaths.

They did not die though, but Dave is now paralyzed.  When the chute didn’t open properly, he checked to see if he could fix it, and realized there was no fix, so they were in trouble.  After spinning toward the ground for what seemed forever, he accepted the gravity of the situation.

He told Shirley to tuck her feet in, and he twisted himself so that he would hit the ground first and cushion the fall for Shirley with his whole body.  He took the hit for her.

Why?  I watched a Fox News interview with him, and he said that when people jump with him, they trust him with their lives.  He has the obligation, he said…the obligation…to make sure they come out okay:  “I was going to be the one to take the shock to make her okay.  That was my first obligation.”

Whew.  What a man of character!  He is now permanently paralyzed.  He figured he would likely die in order to be the shock absorber for his student’s body, and he did it with calm and resolve.

This attitude is no different from the guys in combat in our military, our police, and our firefighters.  It takes a certain profound character to put one’s life on the line for strangers because of obligation willingly and voluntarily accepted.

We need more people like Dave.

I watched him in his wheelchair, still calm and accepting of his situation, and firm in his resolve. 

No anger…no resentment.  Just character.

Hooters Takes A Hit

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I used to think it would be fabulous to own or run some small business.  No more. 

Why?  Simple.  Because unions and ridiculous laws have made it extremely difficult to actually run your own business!

Case in point:  Hooters Restaurants.  Just like the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, or the Radio City Rockettes, how their female employees (or servers) look is a major part of their identity and success. 

One waitress had been working at Hooters for two years.  Like many other businesses, Hooters gives regular reviews to its employees.  At her last review, this waitress was told that her ability to deal well with co-workers and customers was great.  However, in their opinion, they were concerned that she filled out her Hooters T-shirt and shorts a bit too much.  They put her on 30 days’ probation, and offered her a FREE membership - free! - to a gym.  If she didn’t get fit enough to “fit” into the Hooter’s image size-wise, she would be let go.

So what does she do?  Does she take advantage of the free membership and get fit?  Of course not.  This is America in the year 2010:  the appropriate response is to whine, complain, sue, go on television and badmouth Hooters, and then get an attorney and sue.

I watched her on one TV interview and wondered why they never had her stand up in her Hooter’s outfit and let us see for ourselves rather than just hear about it.  From my view of her from her belly button up, she looked a bit heavy.

I believe Hooters has the right to decide the image for their establishment and girls like this one should stop with the “victim” mode and do what is required to quality for the position of Hooter girl.

Gawd…I am soooo tired of the whining and complaining instead of seeing someone rise to the occasion.

Turning a Boy Into a Responsible Man

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The other day I took a call on my radio program from a mother who was upset at her husband.  The husband had told their 9 year old son that he was not allowed to watch TV for a 24 hour period as a consequence of his unacceptable behavior - in this case, leaving the TV on even though he was finished watching it and had left the room.

The husband had come home from work the previous day and almost immediately checked to see what channel the TV was set to - turns out it was tuned into a kid’s network, so he knew right away that his son had disobeyed him and watched TV when his viewing was supposed to be restricted.  The father sat down with the boy and they talked about honesty, integrity, and respect for parents.

The mother was incensed that the father had “checked up” on the boy.  I immediately responded by saying, “Well, that’s being a good parent!”  I explained that the father’s job is to take his boy and turn him into a man, and a responsible one at that.  To do so, he had to use whatever was at his disposal to keep up with what the boy was doing, so that he could continue to teach and lead his son into healthy, productive adulthood.  I said that the father did the right thing.

The mother did stop and say, “I hadn’t looked at it that way.”

It seems like she spent a lot of time thinking about our exchange, and below are excerpts from an email I received from her shortly after:

…I was so nervous about my call that I didn’t get to thank you for your clarity…. Because of you, I was very aware of my “feelings,” and that they may not be a reason to respond to this situation [sic].  Recognizing this allowed me to spend all night digesting what happened without saying a word, even though my feelings were to be ‘Mother Bear’ and overreact to the situation. This led to me calling you for your perspective.

You pointed out to me that my husband was being a good parent.  You are so right.  He truly wants my son to succeed and grow to be a responsible MAN.  It brings tears to my eyes thinking how terrible this situation could have played out had I indulged my ‘feelings.’

Your wisdom has saved yet another crazy, emotional woman and spared my wonderful husband of thinking that his wife and girlfriend doesn’t give him the respect and support he deserves.

While I can’t thank you enough, rest assured that I plan to completely thank my husband tonight!

Lying to Ourselves

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Some callers to my radio program are amazed when I explain that their situation is entirely of their own making, and don’t allow them to complain about someone else as the architect of their situation.

Sadly, a typical scenario goes like this:  a young woman caller with one or two illegitimate children is shacking up for years and years with a guy who is now out on the dating scene.  (Well, why shouldn’t he date?  He’s a single man with a consort!).  When the young woman protests that they have a “commitment,” I ask “What is the commitment?  Where is it?”  There is no commitment involved in unmarried sex or procreation or cohabitation.  It’s all “free-flowing,” which is exactly what both paid for when they signed up to not sign up for any obligation past the feeling of the moment.

The truth about females is that we lie to ourselves when we say we can just “hang out” or have “hook-up level” sex and make babies with someone who says “I love you,” but ultimately doesn’t walk the talk. 

We want to nest, settle down, and have someone love us and protect us and provide for us, but we behave in ways that demonstrate massive denial, insecurity, and a kind of pathetic desperation or downright foolishness.

None of this makes a woman feel special, put on a pedestal, valued or really loved.  And none of this protects the needs of children.  More and more women of late are intentionally having babies without marriage because, in my opinion, they are not competent to provide love and affection and attention to anything outside themselves, and the feminista women around them applaud the “no men” clause.  This is atrocious, as it undermines society and puts children in the position of no daddy. 

None of you should show any support for any woman who makes this choice.  No support…..and lots of negative judgment.  Please.

What’s The Matter With Kids Today?

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What’s the problem with kids today?  The answer to that is easy:  THEIR PARENTS!

According to the Fresno Bee, five high school seniors cut down two trees on their campus as a “senior prank.”  School officials expelled the students and transferred them to a continuation school to finish out their senior year.

The students (all seniors and football players) cut down two Southern Live Oak trees, with ten-inch trunks.  The trees were about 14 years old and nearly 20 feet high.  The damage was estimated to be between $7,500 and $14,000.  The boys said this was a prank meant to deprive junior classmates of shade.

Stupid, stupid, stupid…..but they are all “jock heroes,” probably way too used to inflated estimations of their own value and power.

The school did exactly the right thing.

The parents did exactly the wrong thing.  They said that the school “overreacted,” and they got attorneys involved to get their kids back in the school.  The school is standing firm.  Good for them.

“To hire attorneys,” as one of my listeners wrote to me, “teaches these kids that they can get away with ‘pranks’ and that they do not have to respect the law or be accountable for such behavior to school officials.  It will be interesting to see how these youngsters turn out as they mature.  Will they be good citizens?  Will they raise their children similarly to how they were raised?  Will their views change on how their own parents handled this life lesson?  It remains to be seen.  I do hope our community doesn’t read about them again later on down the line after they’ve robbed a store or beaten someone up and again hired an attorney to defend their actions.”

That point, in particular, is why (when people call and tell me that they have “x” number of “beautiful” children) I tell them I don’t care if they have pretty or ugly kids.  I only care that they have decent kids, because the well being of all of us depends on that.

Tiger Woods is Still Lying

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Tiger Woods is getting back to playing golf.  He’ll be participating in the Masters 2010 in Augusta, Georgia beginning April 5.  I know a lot of people are happy about that, because they like to watch him play, and without him, the interest in golf apparently diminished, with enterprises associated with audience interest taking a great financial hit since he’s been away from the game.

Frankly, I don’t care one way or the other.

Nonetheless, NYDailyNews.com had a lengthy article focusing on Tiger’s “confessions.”  Evidently, he said he “was living a lie.”  Well, that’s true.  He was making lotsa money presenting himself as a clean-cut family guy, all the while arrogantly flying girls around the world to meet him for “sex breaks.”

He also said “Yeah, I tried to stop, and couldn’t stop.”  WHAT???  Where does the word “couldn’t” come from?  The only irresistible impulse is one which is not resisted.  He enjoyed that very enticing perk of fame and money:  the adoration of women and lot of varied sex.  There’s nothing new here in the history of mankind.

Once you cross that line, however, it gets easier and easier to feel as though you are safe and entitled, and it becomes a bigger and bigger part of your everyday life - whether your obsession is sex partners or donuts.

I’m disgusted that Tiger Woods is being yet another bad role model (”the devil made me do it, and I had to exorcise the devil in rehab”).  To me, he is still lying.  He could control his impulse any time he wanted to, but he didn’t want to.  The risk-taking was exciting, and the orgasms and feeling of sexual control over women was way too thrilling for him to decide to give up.  He’s giving it up now because it ended up costing him big-time.  See?  The decision was made when the math came out different from before.

In my book, Tiger Woods won’t change until he takes responsibility.  In his comments, he also said that “stripping away denial and rationalization, you start coming to the truth of who you really are, and that can be very ugly.”  True enough.  And he should say the truth:  that he enjoyed the perks, but that the trade-off ultimately wasn’t worth it.

Apologizing Long After the Offense

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Lately, I’ve been asked quite often by callers if it is “okay” to apologize to someone for a wrongdoing even years after the offense.  I can understand why that question might be asked.  It can feel a bit embarrassing to have to face someone and face up to what you’ve done.  It is worrisome that they might not be gracious about your apology.   It is possible that they might “lay into you.”  It may be that they say “You caused me so much grief and pain that I can’t forgive you.”  They might not even be willing to talk to you.  Or, they might say, with tears, “Thank you.  That means a lot to me.”

It IS a big risk to take.  But the most valued things in life do come with a big risk attached.  That’s part of what gives them value.

You must remember, however, that whatever their response might be, you are doing the apology not to wipe the slate clean (damage is damage, and some never goes away), but because true repentance requires that you do what it takes to repair the damage.  That includes the sincere…sincere…apology.  None of that “if you were hurt, then I’m sorry” nonsense.  That is pure annoyance!
 
So, if you truly have remorse (and are not just trying to manipulate someone into a situation which benefits you), then apologize…anytime…and tolerate their first and maybe second unpleasant reaction. 
 
Seeds take time to germinate, and coping with an apology means the whole thing is brought up again in their minds.  Be patient and understanding.  While they may never forgive you, know that you still did the right thing.