Going on a Shopping Diet

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How many times have you gone into your closet to choose something to wear, and even though your closet is stuffed with things (some still with the tags on them), you’ve stood there frustrated and yelled:  “But I don’t have anything to wear!!”

Imagine this:  you go to your closet to choose what to wear for the day, and you find only six items.  Does that make it easier?

That’s the premise behind a recent Web challenge at sixitemsorless.com – participants were to go an entire month wearing only six items already found in their closet (not counting underwear or accessories).  Nearly 100 people around the country and in Dubai and Bangalore, India took part in this experiment, with a variety of motives, including it being a way to cut back on unnecessary spending, a way to reject fashion trends, and an opportunity to show concern that the mass production and global transportation of increasingly cheap clothing was damaging the environment.

This experiment was billed as a kind of “shopping diet.”

Women, in particular, spend inordinate amounts of money each month on trendy (not classic), poorly made, cheap clothes, which are mostly made in Asia.  They’re disposable wardrobes paid for with precious income.

Check out your closet.  I’ll bet you have things you haven’t worn in years, or you have 10 pairs of jeans, when you only wear four of them regularly.

I used to be one of those women.  I gave away about a third of my clothes, saving jeweled jeans and leather jackets, because I wear those at public events.  I spend most of my time in T-shirts and stretch yoga pants, and when I go out, it’s usually in cowboy boots and a denim skirt.  “Dressing up” means I choose a blinged-out shirt over a plain one.  I will admit, however, to owning way too many Harley T-shirts and jackets, but that’s my one permitted weakness.

I don’t own trendy stuff at all.  For several years, those blousy tops that are made to look like maternity tops have been popular, but I’ve avoided them.  I don’t like being manipulated by an industry which is there to make billions off a pathetic desire to be “in fashion.”  Give me a Chanel suit any day – now that’s eternal class – although I don’t own one of those, either.

I suggest you rearrange your closet with ten pieces – shirts, pants, skirt, top, shorts – and check yourself out for a month.  Does anyone even notice?  Do you spend less time struggling with what to wear?  Do you find yourself more comfortable than you imagined?  Or has way too much of your being and identity been dependent upon how you think you look?  It’s an interesting self-examination.

I find myself more comfortable when I’m not wasting time and money on frequent trips to clothing stores.

Lately, since I’ve been scouring thrift stores for items to use for the purses I make (check out www.topdogcoffeebar.com), I found two denim skirts that, after figuring out how to transform them into purses) I decided to keep to wear myself.  One woman’s trash is another woman’s treasure, and by buying at most thrift shops, you support charities as well.

Disregard for Hands-On Parenting

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There appears to be a growing disregard for actual eyeball-to-eyeball hands-on parenting.

Christine, a new stay-at-home parent to a two-month-old daughter, emailed me immediately when she saw an article from Parenting magazine by Melissa Balmain posted on CNN.com about the deaths of infants forgotten in cars. I read the article and share her disgust.

The main story is about two people, married, with a comfortable house in Virginia, and two well-paying full-time jobs.  On top of that, they decided to adopt two babies from Guatemala.  According to this report, “..the end of August and start of September, 2007 had been stressful.  Twenty-three-month old Juan and his four-year-old brother had been sick on and off.  The mother’s days and been blurs of work, day care, doctors, business trips, visits with relatives and anxiety.”

The story then goes on that the older boy was home with the dad and the mother was supposed to drop an ill younger child off in day care.  She went to work, had a “normal day,” talked with her supervisor, ate lunch at her desk, drove to the supermarket and shopped for dinner and continued on to the day care center to pick the younger boy up.  That’s when the child was found dead in the back seat, having literally cooked to death in the heat of the locked car. 

Now, I don’t have sympathy for the parents.  I just don’t.  I don’t agree with the article that whitewashes these incidents by saying it is normal to forget things when you’re in your habit rhythm – a lapse in memory that you’re a parent only occurs when being a parent is an accessory rather than the main deal.  Let’s look at her stressful month of September:  business trips, day care, work, visits with relatives and anxiety.  How many of those factors would have been eliminated if she was a stay-at-home mom?  Answer:  ALL OF THEM,  and the child would likely be alive.

I wonder if it is accidental that all the stories I’ve read about babies cooking to death in the back of their parents’ car are the result of parents forgetting to drop them off at day care on the way to work.  Fobbing off one’s sacred responsibility of child-rearing and protecting to hired help tends to make one not have focus on that child.  Just sayin’.

The article talks about the “reptilian” or most ancient part of the brain which directs our habits, and habits dominate over short-term plans which are ordered by the more advanced brain regions.  If that excuse is so, then parents should put their reptilian brain into parenting and not business trips, work, and day care drops and pick ups.

The article ends up giving suggestions so you won’t forget your kid to die in your back seat while you are busy with what is more important.

1. Put something that really matters to you – like your cell phone – in the back seat with the child.  Do you realize that means that your cell phone is more important than your child?

2. Keep a teddy bear in the baby car seat.  When you put your kid in the seat, put the teddy in front, so you’ll see it and remember you have a child.  After all, you’re a “busy employee.”

3. Ask your child’s child-care provider to call you on your cell phone if your kid doesn’t get there.  Oh, so now the day care, minimum-wage worker is more responsible for your kid than you are?

4.  Put visual cues in your office and home reminding you to check the car seat.  Gee, I thought parental love and bonding did that.  Guess not.

My bottom line?  Don’t have ‘em if you won’t raise ‘em.

If I were in charge of adoptions, no one without a spouse at home would be allowed to adopt a child.  Children are not accessories.  They should be the main deal.

Phone Company Blamed for Exposing Affair

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Gabriella Nagy, a married woman with two children, ages 6 and 7, was cheating on her husband with another man.  So that she and the male bimbo could talk for hours behind her husband’s and children’s backs, she got a cell phone under her maiden name.  The monthly bills came to her marital home. 

Her husband decided to use the same Internet company and home phone service.  The company attempted to save the family some money by consolidating the bills and mailing a “global” invoice to the Nagy home that included an itemized bill for Gabriella’s cell phone service.  Her husband discovered several hour-long phone calls to a single phone number, called it, and the guy on the other end confirmed the affair.

The husband, without a discussion, left her.

This cheating woman had the ultimate nerve to sue the company that sent the consolidated bill and exposed her extramarital affair.  She says she was so distraught that she lost her $100,000 per year job and cried uncontrollably.

Listen to what this twerp had to say: “It was a mistake.  But I didn’t deserve to lose my life over it!”

WHAAAT??  What have her children and husband “lost” over this?  “This” is a massive, insensitive, thoughtless, self-centered betrayal!   The deepest part of Hell, according to Dante’s Inferno is reserved for those who betray the ones they’re supposed to love and honor.  That is because the very fabric of humanity is dependent upon trust.  What does she think she deserves for taking her time, affection, attention, and family income and splurging it on a honey instead of her husband and children? What did she expect her husband would do when he found out his wife was naked with a man other than the one who committed his life to her and fathered her children?  What did she expect would happen when everyone found out that she made the company unknowingly collude with her and then complain that their money-saving action opened the curtain on her bad behavior?

She doesn’t think she deserved to lose her lifestyle over this.  Is she kidding?  Talk about being narcissistic.

She’s suing the company for under a million dollars to teach them a lesson?

That’s gall.

‘Fess Up If You Mess Up

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Boy, oh boy, do I have to arm wrestle, pull teeth and stamp my feet sometimes to get callers to simply admit to “my bad.”  You know, the individual desire to never look or be wrong or bad so that people won’t punish you and/or will like you leads people to walk straight into retribution and dislike. 

The absolutely best thing to do when you’ve done wrong is to accept and admit responsibility.  Nothing makes others precipitously drop their rage than the sight and sound of someone owning up to his or her wrongdoing.  After a certain amount of shock and disbelief, people will look at you with some awe, because taking responsibility and demonstrating remorse, and being willing to repair whatever damage has been caused is the most compassionate way to handle having hurt or disappointed someone.

Yes, you might have to deal with repercussions, but just think back to some of the old movies where people finally confess, because they simply can’t stand the burden on their hearts and souls.  It’s true – it takes a lot of energy to hide and pretend.  It’s a relief to everyone if you just say: “Yeah, I did it….sorry.  Here’s how I would like to fix this situation and make it better.”

So, the very next time you “mess up,” just “‘fess up” and see how much better you and the hurt party feel and get along.

When You’re Bored, You’re Boring

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Quite a few recent calls to my radio program involve people who are dealing with the problem of being bored, and as many of you have heard me say many times – people who are bored are usually boring.  Either you can choose to be like a cork in the ocean, waiting for a wave or swell to elevate your mood or you can be pro-active and/or philosophical.

Pro-active means that you actually take control of your existence and do something which engages you, is generous, works up your sweat, adrenaline, and endorphins, or which challenges you to be inventive, creative and operating outside of the  box.

Philosophical means that you reframe your perspective.  For example, a nurse called to complain that she seems to get a higher percentage of the most difficult patients than others on the nursing staff.  She felt put upon.  I suggested that this was because she was the most competent to deal with such patients, but she countered with, “Well, I’m getting burned out.”  I then suggested that she make sure that she freshens up her brain and body with fun times, exercise, and friends.

A number of women who have exactly what they wanted in live (a husband, a home, children, and the freedom to be at home) have called to say they are overwhelmed and under motivated.  From a philosophical standpoint, motivation is more of a pop psych requirement of correct behavior than a true necessity.  For example, how do you motivate yourself to go into combat or a burning building in order to rescue people, or into surgery when you know there’s only a minimal chance of survival for the patient, but the procedure is their last, best hope?

We do what we must do/should do, because we have accepted that responsibility.  If everyone in a position of responsibility waited to “feeeeel” motivated, nothing would ever get done! 

I tell these women that if they behaved as though they were motivated, they would simply enjoy their lives more.  Waiting around for a trigger is passive and useless. 

From a pro-active standpoint, that means getting friends, hobbies and creating physical challenges, as well as acting like the kind of woman they would want to come home to.  If they do that, their husbands would come screeching through the door with enthusiasm.

So, if you’re bored, you’re being boring.  Get philosophical.  Get pro-active.  Don’t wait for a feeling – create a better mini-universe without whining, complaining, or feeling sorry for yourself. 

Remember the days of washboards and manual television controls?  No? Too bad.  You would then have the other “P” word:  perspective.

Parachute Jump Teacher Saves Student from Sure Death

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I’m writing today about Dave Hartsock of Texas, and all the people who are like him.

Dave was the instructor.  His student, a woman, was a total newbie.  The day for the parachute jump was beautiful:  sunny, clear, warm.  Dave gave Shirley her briefing before they took off in the airplane to jump – in tandem (that means attached to each other), as he has done hundreds of times.  This day was different.  This day the parachute did not deploy properly and they were spinning to their certain deaths.

They did not die though, but Dave is now paralyzed.  When the chute didn’t open properly, he checked to see if he could fix it, and realized there was no fix, so they were in trouble.  After spinning toward the ground for what seemed forever, he accepted the gravity of the situation.

He told Shirley to tuck her feet in, and he twisted himself so that he would hit the ground first and cushion the fall for Shirley with his whole body.  He took the hit for her.

Why?  I watched a Fox News interview with him, and he said that when people jump with him, they trust him with their lives.  He has the obligation, he said…the obligation…to make sure they come out okay:  “I was going to be the one to take the shock to make her okay.  That was my first obligation.”

Whew.  What a man of character!  He is now permanently paralyzed.  He figured he would likely die in order to be the shock absorber for his student’s body, and he did it with calm and resolve.

This attitude is no different from the guys in combat in our military, our police, and our firefighters.  It takes a certain profound character to put one’s life on the line for strangers because of obligation willingly and voluntarily accepted.

We need more people like Dave.

I watched him in his wheelchair, still calm and accepting of his situation, and firm in his resolve. 

No anger…no resentment.  Just character.

Hooters Takes A Hit

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I used to think it would be fabulous to own or run some small business.  No more. 

Why?  Simple.  Because unions and ridiculous laws have made it extremely difficult to actually run your own business!

Case in point:  Hooters Restaurants.  Just like the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, or the Radio City Rockettes, how their female employees (or servers) look is a major part of their identity and success. 

One waitress had been working at Hooters for two years.  Like many other businesses, Hooters gives regular reviews to its employees.  At her last review, this waitress was told that her ability to deal well with co-workers and customers was great.  However, in their opinion, they were concerned that she filled out her Hooters T-shirt and shorts a bit too much.  They put her on 30 days’ probation, and offered her a FREE membership – free! – to a gym.  If she didn’t get fit enough to “fit” into the Hooter’s image size-wise, she would be let go.

So what does she do?  Does she take advantage of the free membership and get fit?  Of course not.  This is America in the year 2010:  the appropriate response is to whine, complain, sue, go on television and badmouth Hooters, and then get an attorney and sue.

I watched her on one TV interview and wondered why they never had her stand up in her Hooter’s outfit and let us see for ourselves rather than just hear about it.  From my view of her from her belly button up, she looked a bit heavy.

I believe Hooters has the right to decide the image for their establishment and girls like this one should stop with the “victim” mode and do what is required to quality for the position of Hooter girl.

Gawd…I am soooo tired of the whining and complaining instead of seeing someone rise to the occasion.

Turning a Boy Into a Responsible Man

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The other day I took a call on my radio program from a mother who was upset at her husband.  The husband had told their 9 year old son that he was not allowed to watch TV for a 24 hour period as a consequence of his unacceptable behavior – in this case, leaving the TV on even though he was finished watching it and had left the room.

The husband had come home from work the previous day and almost immediately checked to see what channel the TV was set to – turns out it was tuned into a kid’s network, so he knew right away that his son had disobeyed him and watched TV when his viewing was supposed to be restricted.  The father sat down with the boy and they talked about honesty, integrity, and respect for parents.

The mother was incensed that the father had “checked up” on the boy.  I immediately responded by saying, “Well, that’s being a good parent!”  I explained that the father’s job is to take his boy and turn him into a man, and a responsible one at that.  To do so, he had to use whatever was at his disposal to keep up with what the boy was doing, so that he could continue to teach and lead his son into healthy, productive adulthood.  I said that the father did the right thing.

The mother did stop and say, “I hadn’t looked at it that way.”

It seems like she spent a lot of time thinking about our exchange, and below are excerpts from an email I received from her shortly after:

…I was so nervous about my call that I didn’t get to thank you for your clarity…. Because of you, I was very aware of my “feelings,” and that they may not be a reason to respond to this situation [sic].  Recognizing this allowed me to spend all night digesting what happened without saying a word, even though my feelings were to be ‘Mother Bear’ and overreact to the situation. This led to me calling you for your perspective.

You pointed out to me that my husband was being a good parent.  You are so right.  He truly wants my son to succeed and grow to be a responsible MAN.  It brings tears to my eyes thinking how terrible this situation could have played out had I indulged my ‘feelings.’

Your wisdom has saved yet another crazy, emotional woman and spared my wonderful husband of thinking that his wife and girlfriend doesn’t give him the respect and support he deserves.

While I can’t thank you enough, rest assured that I plan to completely thank my husband tonight!