Shut Up, Shut Up, Shut Up

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Ah, the “terrible twos!”  The child of a listener has just learned how to say “Shut up,” and now he won’t stop.  I have some advice on how to break him of this bad habit.

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Read transcript here.

His Heart and Mind Are Somewhere Else

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All marriages can hit bumpy patches once in a while.  But one listener didn’t expect a surprise 40 years after the wedding! 

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Read transcript here.

Divorce, Recession-Style

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A number of news sources recently reported that (sniff, sniff) people just can’t afford to get divorced anymore, what with mortgages upside down, and diminished family income.

Furthermore (more sniffs), in most cases, the couples have to stay together under the same roof just to make ends meet.  No longer can divorced spouses count on maintaining a lifestyle.  No longer are kids summarily thrown into visitation chaos and feelings of abandonment….and that, obviously, is a good thing.

One of the sadder aspects of my three decades plus on radio talking to people in some sort of crisis is the growing realization that many people see adversity as a motivation to turn on each other, rather than to turn to each other.  I understand husbands who feel depressed when they can’t adequately support their families, and I understand wives who feel desperate because they worry for the well-being of their home and children.  But I don’t understand turning away from each other at a time when both need support and hope.  Each spouse needs to (as Archie Bunker often said on “All In The Family”) “stifle themselves” and try to buoy up the other’s state of mind.

In trying to make the other person still feel valued, competent and loved; in telling your spouse that you know that, ultimately, you can count on him/her; in letting your once “dearly beloved” feel your support, makes not only them feel better, it makes YOU feel better.

I’m sure everyone reading this has some sort of strain or stress in their marriage.  Generally, it’s something that can be overcome if you both pull together and put aside your individual resentments and fears long enough to follow through on your marital vows to love, honor and cherish.

Pets Aren’t Human Substitutes

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More than 80 million Americans are pet owners, and spend nearly 25 billion dollars on veterinary care.  Why do we do that?
 
Originally, animals served a largely utilitarian purpose:  horses pulled carts, dogs protected the farms, and cats ate rodents.  This dependency on animals to help us in our daily lives evolved into warm, close bonded relationships with them - and that’s a good thing, but only up to a point.
 
Taking on the responsibility of caring for an animal is a sacrifice, and requires an unselfish commitment that elevates human character.  Making sure that your pets have food before you do, and providing a safe haven for them is an expression of compassion.  Enjoying the enthusiasm of your dog or cat when you appear on the scene, having your blood pressure drop when you pet them - those are the perks of having a pet around.
 
However, if you are infinitely more comfortable with animals than humans, the scales have tipped way too far in the wrong direction.  Human communication is largely verbal, and give-and-take is an essential part of human bonding (along with trust).  When an individual is fearful or hostile about human connection, it’s nice if they have a pet (a warm mammal) to hold close, but it’s not a substitute for a human relationship. 
 
I get way too many calls from, for example, people like the woman who keeps a dangerous dog in the home (with little kids), because her husband chooses to keep the dog in spite of the threat to his own children; or the man who calls and complains that he has a ferocious allergy to cats, but his fiancée will not adopt her cat out to let him move in after the wedding!  If this sounds like you or someone you know, it’s time to revisit the situations, because choices like these are, obviously, the wrong choices.

Dating 101

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Today, it’s “back to basics” as I address multiple questions from a young woman who wants a refresher course in the do’s and don’ts of budding relationships:

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Read transcript here.

Role Reversal: Dad Stays Home, Mom Works

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Sometimes in today’s tight economy, roles get reversed, and the father stays home with the kids while the mom works.  Does this have a negative psychological effect on the kids?

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Read transcript here.

The Benefits of Flirting

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I got a wonderful email from Sylvia, which I want to share with you all:
 
Dr. Laura:
 
This is a lesson my mother taught me, but I thought you would approve of her very good advice.
 
I am a southern “belle.”  Though I have lived all over the world and do not possess the characteristic lilting southern drawl, I am, in fact, a belle through and through.  When raised as a girl in the south, you learn (amongst other things) a true appreciation of the beauty and power of words.  We southern girls are thoroughly schooled in the art and craft of words.  We learn, very young, how to paint a picture with words.  We learn to exploit the rhythm and cadence of language.  We speak softly in order to draw in our listener (thus focusing all attention on ourselves).  Really - who doesn’t like a whisper?  We speak slowly, because anticipation makes everything more enjoyable.  Really - who doesn’t like to be made to wait…just a little?
 
I will often send my husband an email designed to make the air around him stand still.  I can still make his mouth water with just words.  I can make his mind linger and dwell on me all day, with just a softly spoken sentence as he leaves for work in the morning.  Sometimes, in the afternoon, I’ll call him up just to say “I was daydreaming about you just now.  I was remembering how sweet you are and how you still make my heart beat faster.”  This is not just some idle exercise.  This is the ultimate investment in my family.  This is what makes my husband anxious to get home to me, even after fifteen years.
 
Through flirting, I reap a harvest of sweetness, kindness, gentleness and playfulness.  Flirting is a gift we give to each other. It keeps alive the sweetness and excitement of our early dating days.  Flirting is like a gentle touch.  It is stroking the ego of the one you love.  It is titillation pure and simple.  It is foreplay with words and humor.  Flirting is the secret that all other women know.  Flirting is the difference between “ho-hum” and “hot!”  It is something you miss when it’s lacking and you often don’t even realize it.  Flirting captures the mind, and where the mind goes, the body soon follows.
 
So ladies, flirt with your husband.  Here, let me help you out:  send an email to the one you love today and simply say “I thought of you today.  I thought that if you were a book, then I would like to read you and re-read you, over and over again.”
 
You see, when you give sweetness, you get so much more back.

The Most Romantic Movie of All Time

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Cruising through the news sites, I recently came across a list of the Top 25 Most Romantic Movies.  I was amazed at a number of the choices:  adult male dancer in cheap resort “doing” a teenage girl (like they have a future together!); a woman having sex with her fiancé’s younger brother; people who meet while on a European excursion and immediately become intimate, and on and on.
 
When I was younger, I used to just “watch” movies and get caught up in the mushy emotions.  As an adult (and definitely as “Dr. Laura”), I watch movies on a much deeper level, and I’m not happy with the notion that as long as two people are swept up in fantasy and immediacy, it’s just b e a u t i f u l.
 
Maybe it’s because I spend hours each day on my radio program helping people extricate their hearts, minds, and collateral damage from their decisions to just go with the flow of erotic and romantic feelings.  I’m left trying to help them remedy the hurts done to others as well as themselves and the “accidental” children who do not typically benefit from “conception-on-the-run.”
 
The film The African Queen was, for me, one of the most romantic movies of all time.  Humphrey Bogart gives up being a surly, drunk, self-designated outcast for Katharine Hepburn, who gives up being an up-tight, prissy, self-avowed spinster, for a cause, using his little beat-up boat to sink a German war boat.  Having that joint goal (well, she had to work hard to get him out of his shell to be brave enough to re-join the world), and having to deal with deadly elements on a six-foot power skiff together, they built something really romantic.
 
Those of you who are married and struggling with illness or the economic “elements” should watch that movie together…twice!  I believe it will make you snuggle.  What brings people really close together is not just itinerant sex.  It is a joint goal, the attainment of which requires you both to become MORE.  Sometimes that goal is survival, and at other times, it may be the birth of a child, or a commitment to some effort in the world.  Great sex is the prize…it is not the substance of true love.