One Day You’re Here…the Next Day You’re Not

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Ever notice that after you hurt a finger or toe, it becomes the only place you keep hitting against something?  Weird, huh?  Well, the same odd thing is happening to me about my new book, “Stop Whining Start Living.”  It seems that wherever I turn, something relevant to the main concepts of responsibility, choices, courage, endurance, and character just keeps popping up.

I received an email from a twenty-four-year-old woman who is new to my radio program and my books.  She has had a tough time since the age of eleven, due to a father with a severe borderline personality disorder and a mother who simply pretended everything was fine.

But everything was not fine.  The young woman did about everything she could to get their attention and/or punish them for the abuse and neglect: anorexia, abusive relationships and go-nowhere jobs.

Ironically, her mother finally gave her a copy of my books, “Bad Childhood Good Life” and “The Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives.”  I remember telling parents that the way they could make up for their mistakes with their children was to give them the former book with enthusiasm, humility, and optimism.

Well, it worked.  The more this young woman read, the more she wanted to explore herself, and the more she did that, the more she began to enjoy life.  It was at this point that this very young woman came up with amazing insights:

“In what seemed like the blink of an eye, I resolved to begin taking care of myself and (this is a doozy for me) showing love to others.”

“I am happy to say that once I started taking responsibility for myself, I became happy for the first time in my whole life!”

“I can choose whether I want to have a good day or a bad day…just like that!.”

“I get to renew my promise to myself that if I get the chance to have one more day on the planet, I’m going to damn well use it for something great.”

….and last but not least:

“I’ve been through enough crap to not take life for granted.”

What impresses me about this young woman the most is her enthusiasm.  She gave up the ugly, but comfortable “known” (self-destructive and parentally punitive) behaviors for life-affirming, exciting, but “unknown” - and that takes guts.  I so admire guts!

My favorite of her phrases is “I get to renew my promise to myself that if I get the chance to have one more day on the planet, I’m going to damn well use it for something great!”  Just today, my yoga instructor (who is my friend) told me her fifty-seven year old cousin, whom she had just seen during Easter, died precipitously of a tear in his aorta.  They tried to save him, but he had so many immediate complications that he didn’t survive.  Just like that.  One day you’re here…the next day you’re not.

Let me repeat that:

one day you’re here…the next day you’re not.  One day your parents, children, the love of your life, a good friend is here…the next day they’re not.  So - my advice is STOP WHINING about the stuff that ultimately doesn’t matter and START LIVING each day as if it is your only opportunity to bring something beautiful into this world.

Thanks for TEARING into Me!

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I sometimes hear from people who think I’m too harsh on my callers.  There are many reasons for the way I deal with someone who calls my program, but my particular approach is always in direct response to what I intuit from the callers themselves.   Here’s an email I got from Morgan, who titled her correspondence “Thanks For Your Advice and for TEARING Into Me!”

I called you the other day, and was shocked to hear you for real in my ear!  My question was about why I was complaining about my fiancé a lot lately.  My complaints were about his extra weight, being quiet on road trips, an, lately, his constant wearing of a baseball hat!  You listened PATIENTLY to what I was nagging about, and then you truly laid into me…and well, I really needed it!

You told me that I wasn’t marrying myself, and if I wanted to be with someone exactly like me, well, marry myself (ha!), but not stay and complain.  You also stated that I was comparing him to me, and that wasn’t helpful.  He is his own man - a quiet, baseball hat-wearing man.  Then you said that I should thank him for putting up with me for so long.

It is really interesting to me that I have always prided myself on treating others the way I wish to be treated– my students, my colleagues, my friend–but that I had been treating my own fiancé in a negative, terrible and condescending manner, instead of thanking him every day for coming into my life.  He is the most gentle, generous and loyal person I know, and the truth is I have been feeling crappy about myself and projecting that onto him. 

Well, I went home and re-read “Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives,” and got to the part that asks the reader to think about whether they would want their future daughter to be dating their partner.  It really sunk in.
I’d love it if my future daughter would be dating someone like my fiancé, but I don’t think I’d want my future son dating someone like I have been lately!

Good wake-up call for me, Dr. Laura.  I’ve listened to you for eight years.  You are a true voice of reason, morality, and plain common sense in my head!

Happiness is NOT the Highest Value

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Earlier this week, I got a call from a 36 year old woman who has been “shacking up” with her boyfriend for four years.  She wants to have children, but senses his ambivalence.  The answer I gave her applies to all the otherwise intelligent women who do this.

You should move out and say “I’ve decided I’ve made a horrible mistake and the next time I’m living under the same roof as a man, I’m going to be his wife!”
You don’t demand anything.  You don’t threaten anything. You act like a dignified woman, instead of an unpaid whore.  It’s as simple as that.  A man who loves and respects a woman wouldn’t treat you like that.

When I asked this caller “What would you tell your son?” at first, she didn’t understand that I was raising a hypothetical question about how she would explain this behavior to her “future” child.  She started to say, “Well, if you’re both happy, and you’re both-” and I immediately cut in and said she should not make babies.  If you’re going to do that to your kid, don’t have any.  If you’re going to tell your daughter “…as long as you’re happy and you’re screwing your brains out every night with a guy who doesn’t want to commit his life to you, it’s all okay!” - we don’t need any more parents like that. Continue reading Happiness is NOT the Highest Value…

“Breaking Up” With Facebook

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A recent essay in the New York Times (December 2, 2007) talked about the growing popularity of social networking sites like Facebook, MySpace, and others where the word “friends” is used to describe email relationships with folks we barely know.  Humans are gregarious creatures and fare better belonging to networks of family, community, spiritual groups, clubs, and so forth - all of which are sustained through face-to-face contact.

The bottom line is that the more time we spend online, the less time we spend having true relationships complete with challenges, vulnerability, risks and profundity.  These are not real-world relationships with depth.  These on-line relationships are shadows and facsimiles which ultimately amount to little more than casual, superficial experiences.

One mother, Jene, who listens regularly to my radio program, sent me this letter her 21 year-old son wrote to Facebook.  I suggest you show this to all your children and read it twice yourself if you are hooked to on-line pseudo-friendships:

“As a mother of two young adults, I’ve witnessed their obsessive involvement with the many electronic forms of communication that are all the rage in recent years…email, instant messaging, texting, and the several web-based social networks like Facebook and MySpace.  All are useful communication tools, but often counterproductive in really getting to know people.

It came to my attention that my 21 year-old son took a bold step recently and closed down his Facebook account by writing a breaking-up letter and posting it as a good-bye.  When he shared it with me, I was touched, relieved, and very proud of his stand.  I asked him if I might share this with you.  His grin, soft laugh and nod of his head spoke volumes: Continue reading “Breaking Up” With Facebook…