Category Archives: Sex

Has Courtship Jumped the Shark?

Courtship, for the most part, doesn’t exist anymore.  Men today are either very crass in how they treat women, or they have been completely emasculated.  I’m so frustrated by the lack of masculinity in our society, which, in my opinion, was ripped away by the feminist movement.  Feminism taught women that they needed men for nothing – holding a door or pulling out a chair became unacceptable, let alone providing and protecting.

As a result, men no longer think women should be placed on pedestals.  Instead, they only consider how fast they can get them on their backs with their knees up.  That’s what feminism has done for women: it’s made them target practice for penises.

The decline of courtship has been a total disaster.  Individuals forever avoid becoming adults or lack any sense of well-being in their lives.  Life has absolutely zero meaning if you’re not living for someone else.  In addition, our children suffer.  We used to think motherhood was as American as apple pie, but not anymore.  Women drop their responsibilities as mothers and put their kids in day care for the sake of being equal and doing it all.

Leon R. Kass wrote a very brilliant essay titled, “The End of Courtship,” which is as critical and despondent about what has happened as I am.  Read it here.

 

Rekindling the Bedroom Flame

Sex doesn’t just happen like it does in the movies.  People are not always swept away with fireworks and mutual orgasms.  Instead, human beings have to learn how to make love.  Unlike dogs, cats, birds, and other animals that have sex as an instinctive joining for procreation, for humans it’s a learned behavior.

When people look at porn or read romance novels (the female version of porn), they think that’s how sex is supposed to be.  However, it takes time to get to know each other’s bodies and communicate (which is usually the part people don’t do).  Oftentimes, couples feel embarrassed or think certain things are taboo.

This is where sex therapy comes in.  Most people believe that something has to be broken in order for them to go to sex therapy. However, the first thing you should know is that you don’t have to wait until there’s a sexual problem in your relationship before you get help.  After many years of habits forming and walls going up, certain feelings and behaviors get entrenched and often become hard to reverse.   A lot of divorces could be avoided if people dealt with these things sooner.

There are all kinds of events and experiences which get in the way of people feeling comfortable, relaxed, and open.  If there’s a medical issue (cancer treatment, surgical procedure, physical disability, etc.), a history of sexual abuse or rape, or perhaps lovemaking has simply slipped from your schedule, sex therapy can help with a number of areas.

The goal is to talk about your feelings, thoughts, and fantasies with your spouse and put them out there for the therapist to examine.  If a guy is too quick to the draw or a woman can’t seem to be able to reach an orgasm, these kinds of issues can be addressed openly and honestly. It’s all about sexual and emotional enhancement, and having some fun too!

Now let me dispel one fear right off the bat.  When you go to sex therapy, you don’t have sex in the office.  Some people think, “Oh my gosh, are we going to have to get naked and do stuff in front of the therapist?!”  No, you don’t.  And by the way, if you do go to somebody who tells you to get naked and do things, get out of there and report them.

If you’re not feeling satisfied, if you’re dealing with erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation, if you want to experiment but your spouse doesn’t (or vice versa), if painful issues from your past are interring, or if you feel like infidelity is the only answer, then you and your spouse should see a sex therapist.

That being said, not all sexual issues require therapy.  I have some tips for you and your spouse to try first:

In the beginning of a terrific relationship, most people are in the mood most of the time.  But with careers, kids, and the house, life becomes busy with demands and responsibilities.  People underestimate the importance of hugging, touching, and loving on a daily basis.  You need to make time for each other.  Be sure to talk about something more than what bills need to be paid or what has to happen tomorrow. 

When you’ve made time together, it’s important not to expect that you will both be aroused and filled with desire immediately.  In addition, don’t stick to a formula.  For example, “I do this same thing to turn him/her on and then we go to sleep” isn’t romantic.  Playful interaction is important.  Think about it as improvisational jazz or a dance: make it spontaneous and have some fun with it.

Moreover, don’t make the orgasm the be-all, end-all.  It’s been calculated that we spend eight hours of our lives in orgasm.  That’s not a lot of time.  Having an orgasm is great, but it’s not necessarily the point.  Your focus should be on the amount of time spent lovemaking or else you’ll miss out on a lot of fun.

Most importantly, communication is the best way to get positive feedback.  When you go to an expensive restaurant, you take time with the menu, you discuss the possibilities, you savor every bite, you share from each other’s plates, and you talk about the meal afterwards – the presentation, the flavors, the sauces, the ingredients, etc.  Do the same with sex (e.g. “I love it when you touch me exactly like that.”).  Talking about sex does not take the romance away, and in fact, giving feedback to your partner about what you find pleasurable is a wonderful gift because then he or she knows they’re not failing. 

When Your Teen Dresses Like a Slut

A couple months ago, I was in a clothing store looking for a pair of jeans when I saw a man shopping with his 12-year-old daughter.  I assumed he was divorced because he wasn’t wearing a wedding ring.  His daughter went in to the dressing room and when she came out, she was wearing something that would have revealed her pubic hair if she had any.  I just looked at him and said, “You have got to be kidding.  Is this how you want boys to see your daughter?!”  He didn’t respond, and I walked away.
   
Another time, I was at the movies with my husband and I saw this really attractive, voluptuous 17-year-old girl who was the walking stereotype of a bombshell blonde.  She was wearing pants that barely stayed above her waist and a tight shirt that dipped down just over her nipples and exposed her midriff.  She was surrounded by about five boys who were chatting and laughing with her.  My husband – who knows me far too well – whispered to me, “Please don’t say anything,” but I just couldn’t resist.  As we walked by, I stopped, got her attention, and said, “They are all talking to you because they think you’re intelligent.”  Then I walked away.
 
There has been enough research to show that teenage girls who wear sexualized outfits are judged as less capable, competent, determined, and intelligent than girls who dress modestly.  Men in particular look down on them because they see them as sex objects.
 
Furthermore, girls who dress like sluts have lower self-esteem.  By objectifying their bodies and monitoring themselves in terms of how they look, these girls increase their risk of becoming depressed and/or developing eating disorders.
 
The reason why teen girls want to dress this way is two-fold.  First, kids face a great deal of pressure to fit in.  As a result, they take cues from pop culture on how to dress “cool.”  Secondly, there isn’t a whole lot of parenting going on these days.  A lot of parents are too busy with their love lives or work lives to give a damn about their kids.
 
Personally, I agree with the more religious notion that “modest is hottest.”  I also believe you should only send your kids to schools that have a dress code.  That way they are always wearing the same boring outfit, and it’s all about what’s on the inside that matters.
 
So, the next time you take your daughter shopping, tell her to go pick out three outfits, and then have her show them to you so you can give her the final “yes” or “no.”  By doing this, she’ll get something that both she likes and you approve.
 
And while you’re shopping, remember this: No guy is going to turn down a girl who’s presenting herself as a whore.

Your Spouse Has Cheated. Now What?

In the movie Closer, Clive Owen’s character grills Julie Roberts’ character about the nature of her infidelity.  He bombards her with a barrage of questions about the frequency, timing, whereabouts, type, quality and orgasmic nature of the sex she had with the interloper until she finally asks, “God, why is the sex so important?!”

Men and women react to infidelity differently. Women are more concerned with the emotional side while men care more about the sex. This is a result of hardwiring to a certain extent.  Females want to know if their male can still be a provider and protector for their young.  Males, on the other hand, are primarily invested in the preservation of their genes.  This is why, like Clive Owen’s character, men will ask about the sex and women will ask about the romantic feelings involved. 

Once you understand the differences in how men and women react to an infidelity, the next question becomes, “What should I do if I find out that my husband/wife has cheated on me?” 

First, you need to know that it’s possible for a marriage to survive an affair. In fact, the healing process can even improve the quality of the marriage. However, in order to improve the chances of your marriage staying together, you and your spouse need to seek professional help. 

Therapy helps you have adult conversations and develop skills to resolve your problems. When choosing a therapist, try to find one who has been in a long-term marriage. Be aware that therapists who have been recently divorced have a higher percentage of their patients and clients divorce.

I recommend high quality professional assistance because in order for you and your spouse to truly work through your challenges, you’re going to have to see and accept that both of you played some role in the infidelity. I am not saying that somebody had the right to cheat; I simply mean that if you decide to stay with each other, you have to figure out why things got so bad to the point that someone cheated. The success of your marriage pins on your ability to change the behaviors that alienated each other in the first place.  

If you truly think you did everything perfectly, then dump your spouse. You’re either right and this person is just a bad apple, or you’re not in touch with them enough to work it out. Either way, the relationship doesn’t have a chance of succeeding.  Don’t sit around playing the blame game for your unhappiness or their lack of a moral compass – it’s a recipe for disaster. 

However, if both of you are willing to work, there are some common mistakes you should try to avoid:

Don’t spend your time humiliating, debasing, challenging, and assaulting the cheater. Instead, try to get to the bottom of what hurt the relationship in the first place (e.g. lack of affection, being too busy to be sweet, etc.).

Contacting the person they had the affair with is usually futile. It rarely uncovers the whole truth, and oftentimes, the exposure alone will make them back off.

Naïvely taking your spouse’s word that he or she has ended the affair is one thing, but constantly following them around and checking their phone and email every five minutes is another. Yes, most people need help disengaging from an affair because there is a tremendous amount of physical and emotional investment.  However, hitting them with guilt nonstop isn’t going to help anything. 

Finally, realize that it’s going to take time. 

Ultimately, if your spouse has cheated, you need to ask yourself the following question: Is this a pattern of behavior (i.e. a reflection of their character), or is this a single event which indicates that something seriously wrong in the marriage wasn’t respectfully dealt with? Between work, the kids, and everything else going on, did one or both of you stop paying attention to the relationship? With better communication, better decisions can be made and priorities can be adjusted.  Hopefully, in the end, you can both look back at the affair as a slap on the back of the head reminding you that you weren’t paying attention to the relationship.

Video: I’m Busy. I’m Tired. I Can’t Get in the Mood.

Women today seem to believe that work, the kids, the house, their friends, etc. are more important than their husbands, and that somehow a sexless marriage is perfectly acceptable.  Unfortunately, this attitude eventually leads their men to look elsewhere to fulfill their needs.  But there is a different perspective a wife can adopt…  Watch:

Read the transcript.

How to Pillow Talk

Should you and your spouse engage in pillow talk when your heads are on the pillow? 

Most people don’t communicate about sex in general, much less when they are in the middle of it.  There are some reasons for that.  You could be afraid of your husband or wife getting angry and interpreting it as criticism.  You may also be worried about making them feel inadequate or spoiling the mood.  Or, you may simply not care about pleasing your spouse (yes, there are people like that out there).  But generally, I think that while you’re having sex is not the best time to be talking about it.

There has been significant research showing that non-verbal communication while having sex is a lot more effective and fulfilling.  “Non-verbal” means the way your body moves and the sounds you make (e.g. the moaning and the groaning, the “Yes, that’s good, a little more to the left…Oh, that’s fabulous,” and the “Let’s try ___”).  Even though you’re speaking, it’s not really verbal – you’re just egging on the situation.

However, it is still very important for married couples to talk about these things because it leads to more satisfaction in their relationships.

So when is a good time?

When you’re not in the bedroom. 

At some point in the near future, say to your spouse, “You know when you did such-and-such?  That really turned me on.”  He or she may not even remember that they did it, but it doesn’t matter.  It’s really important that you give each other positive strokes – literally and figuratively.  It should all be enthusiastic, and none of it should be critical.  The second your statements start turning critical, it’s over.  Your spouse will realize that they didn’t please you, or even worse, that you’ve been miserable for a very long time. 

In addition, when you are talking about it, try saying something like, “Oh yeah, honey, that felt good.  Do you want to try doing ____ while you do that?  I think I’d like to know how that feels.”  In other words, you’re not critiquing your spouse – you’re exploring your own body. 

Husbands and wives are usually enthusiastic about pleasing each other, and yours will most likely be willing to try something out (unless you’re asking for kinky, weird stuff).  Just remember, people who communicate their enthusiasm, interests and positive reactions have more fulfilling sex lives with their spouses.