Category Archives: Sexuality

These Days, Most Women Are Pigs

I know the title of this blog may be shocking, but it’s all around us:  women (and even girls) who are sexually available and almost advertise that fact, and/or who are having sex by the third date when they barely know the guy.  If you want to be in a relationship for the long run, watch my video for why this “sex first” approach doesn’t lead to long-term caring:

Video: These Days, Most Women Are Pigs

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

The Prince Was Really a Frog

I love “Law & Order” and “Cold Case” types of programs, because of the cleverness of the characters in discerning truth from lies (either from witnesses or clues at a crime scene).  I find it fascinating.  Detective Goren from “Law & Order: Criminal Intent” seems to know everything about just everything, which is a plot device that sometimes strains credulity, but, in general, I find the most interesting leaps to be that of a “gut feeling” or a “hunch” which is not easily explained by logic until after the fact.

Some people are better at this than others – perhaps it’s an inner talent that is unique, or maybe that individual just pays more attention to detail, or maybe it’s just the willingness to listen to that still, soft voice that tells you something just isn’t right.

I find that many people who call my radio program with concerns about the behaviors of someone they’re dating already “knew” on some level that something just wasn’t right.  But they ignored or denied those feelings because they wanted the fantasy to be true.  Generally, these desired fantasies turn into disasters.

One caller earlier this week met a guy online who immediately treated her like he was her fairy godmother.  “Zap” with his wand, and they were off to foreign lands for lunch and distant places for vacations.  She found out that he was still married, even though he had said he was divorced.  She called me all upset and sad.

I told her that she had behaved like a slut (yeah, I said that), because he had money.  Certainly, she couldn’t have believed that he loved her – he didn’t even KNOW her!  She was gullible and pretty and sexually available and that was what he was looking for.  He wasn’t looking for the love of his life.  She, however, wanted the princess fairy tale, and she had it for two months.  Meanwhile, she had suspended her good sense about why a man would operate like this with no real knowledge of the woman.  Answer?  Knowledge of the woman was not of interest to him.  Showing off and having passionate sex with a very willing woman was what he really wanted.

Instead of worrying about not being able to trust men, and sobbing with great hurt at being dumped, I suggested that she start behaving like the kind of woman a real man without a selfish agenda would value.  She didn’t listen to that small voice, and ended up used and humiliated. 

Don’t deny what you know in your gut, even in the midst of what seems like the most unbelievable reality.  It is unbelievable, because it is not to be believed.

Expelled for Wearing Jeans

The most important part of having “rights” is taking “responsibility” for those rights.  This is a concept many activist groups don’t “get,” as evidenced by their angry utterances and actions.  For these people (feminists, for example), their actions are irrelevant – they believe they should be able to say and do whatever they please.  It’s the other people who have to toe the line.

Here’s an example:  colleges in the Indian state of Uttar Pradesh said that female students would be banned from wearing jeans and other “western” clothes in order to halt sexual harassment by male classmates.  “Girls who choose to wear jeans will be expelled from the college,” Meeta Jamal, principal of the Dayanand girls’ college in Kanpur city told Agence France-Presse (AFP).  “This will be the only way to stop crime against women.”

Okay – so, jeans, shorts, tight blouses and mini-skirts on campus are being banned in a growing number of their colleges in an attempt to crack down on “EVE-teasing” (as sexual harassment is known in India).  But, of course, these “oh so mature” and wise girls between the ages of 17 and 20 say that these rules punish innocent females rather than tackling the men who talk “smack” to them..

Let’s look at this in a very pragmatic way.  Two girls are walking down the street, passing a group of young men.  Each girl is on the opposite side of the street.  One girl has on a tight-cropped top and low-cut jeans.  The girl on the other side of the street is wearing a pretty, but modest, dress.  Which side of the street are the guys going to pay attention to?  Which girl are they going to approach?  Which girl are they going to “tease” to see if they can “hook up?”  The answer is easy.

Which girl is showing off her “wares?”  Which girl is acting in a provocative manner?  Which girl is using clothing and body language to possibly advertise her, ahem, “social” availability?  Which girl looks as though sex is on her mind?  The answer is easy.

It is completely unreasonable for a provocatively-dressed woman to get any when guys hoot and whistle.  If clothing is just another form of “self-expression,” well, we all know what sexy clothes are expressing.  Modest clothes are expressing nothing close to a “come-hither” attitude.

A female at work has her boobs popping out of her top and a fellow worker says “nice boobs.”  He’s considered “bad,” but she isn’t?  Isn’t foisting your sexuality on someone else harassment?  Women can provoke men, but men can’t react?  That is the silly thinking of most feminists.

Young men in a classroom can’t pay attention to the blackboard and the teacher’s words when he has in front of him the sight of a girl’s lower back and upper butt, because she’s wearing very low cut jeans.  Young men on a campus can’t even remember which building to go into when a young woman walks by with her soft belly jutting out beneath her short top over her low-cut jeans.

This is where responsibility comes in.  If you don’t want that kind of attention, don’t invite it!

When I read the many of the comments posted in response to this story on Breitbart.com, I was not surprised at the naive and utterly stupid remarks about women having their rights to dress and behave any way they want (i.e., no responsibility), and men should control their verbal and emotional reactions (i.e., responsibility all on the men).

And then I got to this comment…a nugget of gold in the compost heap:

When I entered high school, it was the first year when girls were allowed to wear pants.  Since then, of course, clothing standards have dropped to the point where girls are wearing next to nothing on top of low-cut, tight jeans, or short-shorts. In high school, I would have screamed my head off that it was unfair to tell us what to wear.  Now that we’ve had 30 years of half-dressed high fashion, and I’ve become older and wiser, I understand why modesty makes sense.  Our schools, especially here in California, are a complete disaster.  There are many reasons for it, but requiring that girls dress modestly and that boys dress respectfully is a good start.  Considering that hormones are bubbling like volcanoes, particularly in teenage boys, simple steps like this would make a difference.  I remember the days when people dressed up nicely just to go to the movies!  I’m not advocating this, but I would even be for school kids wearing uniforms.  It puts them in a different frame of mind.  Trying to get kids to sit still, pay attention and get an education is not only difficult, but as we see from our dismal failure in the last 20 to 30 years, is imperative for the future of this country.  Looking back, it does amaze me how much my opinion has changed.  It is said that the devil is in the details, and I must concur.  The small things that I thought didn’t matter at all turn out to be very important, not only in and of themselves, but they are the blocks on which other decisions/behavior are built.  It’s really hard to see this when you’re 15 or even 25, but as have accumulated experience in life, it has become very clear.

Morning-After Pill for 17 Year Old Girls?

Out-of-wedlock sex is just no big deal anymore.  It’s even the basic plot of many television sitcoms, making it seem like a royal good time.  After all, isn’t sex just a natural instinct and desirable physical release?  If you have an itch, it should be scratched, right?  At least that’s what I see my dog Bebe do when she clearly has an itchy paw.

Religious teaching be damned.  There should be no guilt about a good romp in the hay that is meaningless, whether extra-marital or non-marital.  Why the big fuss?

Well, let’s see.  We can throw in the “fuss” basket some of the following:

1. Sexually-transmitted diseases, some of which can kill.
2. Unwanted pregnancies, some of which we can kill or raise without a complete and loving home with two parents, who have a sacred covenant called marriage.

Of course, there’s also the unexpected consequence of realizing that very little out-of-wedlock sex has any meaning whatsoever after so many such experiences.  Women feel used and desperate; men feel crass and disappointed.  And never mind the hurt feelings that come from ultimate rejection when one gets bored and the other underestimates what being sexually intimate results in with regard to feeling about themselves and their life.

This all leads up to the fact that the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has been ordered by a federal judge to allow 17 year old girls (not women) to have Plan B, the morning-after pill, without a prescription, as it is available to those over 18.  This has been an ideological issue, as some folks wish for girls (married or not) to have no impediment to “expressing their sexuality” with the back-up of the morning-after pill, as well as abortion. 

This is astonishing to me, considering all the medical and emotional issues that surround sexuality.

The morning-after pill is a contraceptive that reduces the chance of pregnancy if taken within three days after sexual intercourse.   It contains a high dose of birth control drugs. The pill works by preventing ovulation or by interfering with implantation of a fertilized egg.

I’m just sad that girls, often having sex with adult males, figure it’ll all be okay without a condom, because the adult male reminds them that “there is always Plan B or an abortion.”  Not to worry…no big deal.

Well, over 32 years of a radio call-in program has provided me proof that there is no easy fix for the feelings of guilt, loss, being used, and multiple meaningless sexual experiences.  I, for one, am sad that we keep opening the door wider and wider for women and men to feel less and less responsibility and awe about each other.  No wonder anti-depressants are among the best-selling drugs in America.

The Pope, The Rabbi and Condoms

During his recent African trip, Pope Benedict XVI said that the distribution of condoms would not resolve the AIDS problem.  The Pope has made it clear that abstinence is going to be the best way to fight AIDS.

Google “Pope” and “condoms,” and you’ll never run out of reading material excoriating the man for his observation and opinion.  Many health advocates have gone ballistic in their criticism of his comments.  They feel it is one thing to promote abstinence as part of the Catholic religion, but that it is an entirely different thing to preach it to the world.

On a person-by-person basis, wearing a condom does, of course, offer some protection against contracting various venereal diseases and (of course) unwanted pregnancy.  It is also true that condoms sometimes break, slip, or are put on incorrectly (taut to the very end).  Everything has its limitations…except abstinence.

I remember listening to a rabbi describing a situation that occurred to his kosher family.  His 7 year old child was invited to a birthday party for a classmate at one of those fast-food hamburger establishments.  When he came to pick up his child at the end of the party, one of the mothers – clearly annoyed – chastised him for the pain he caused his son.  “All the children had hamburgers, chicken nuggets, french fries and dessert, and your little boy had to sit there and eat none of it.  Imagine how terrible your son must have felt?  How could you do this to him?  Food is food.  There is nothing sinful about food.  What you are doing to him is just cruel.”  Just about at the end of her tirade, his son bounded up to him, gave him a huge hug around the waist, and said “I had a great time.  This was a fun party.”

The woman blanched and walked away.  The rabbi followed her and gently told her the following:  animals will eat whatever is around, even if it will make them unhealthy.  Humans are to rise above animals and become masters of their urges.  Imagine my son in a dorm room where harmful illicit drugs are being passed about.  We already know that peer pressure and urges will not force him to relent and give in to the impulse.  Learning at his early age to control impulse and desire is not a harmful trait – many times, it might be a life-saving one.  Look at him.  He enjoyed the company of your son and the rest of the children without giving up his values.  He looks happy and satisfied.  We really need to bring up our children to be masters of their instincts, not slaves to them, don’t you think?
The woman scowled, but listened to him.

Yes, in any one instance, a condom could protect, but in the overall scheme of humanity, why do so many people wish to push away the enormous protective power of moral values?

When the Pope suggests that human beings are best off saving their sexual passion for the stability of a covenant of marriage, he is making a statement that the act of sexuality is elevated by the context, and ultimately protects both man and woman from a myriad of hurtful consequences from venereal diseases to unwanted pregnancies (complete with abortions, abandonment, single-parenthood, and homelessness to name a few).

The naysayers all have one thing in common:  they refuse to want, believe or accept that human beings can commit to a higher spiritual state of thought and behavior.  The Pope believes in us more than that.

I am not Catholic, so this is no knee-jerk defense of my spiritual leader.  The truth is that he is simply correct and too many people don’t want to hear it, because they want to live lives unfettered by rules.  It is sad that they don’t realize that this makes them a slave to animal impulse versus a master of human potential.

The Dangers of Teen Sexting

In the more than three decades I have been on the radio and in counseling practice, the saddest experiences (and the most difficult to be helpful with) are those where parents call to tell me their child is dead.  The child may have been the victim of an accident, war, a crime, an illness, or a suicide.  No matter which, the pain is unimaginable and the duration is infinite.  It is against the “order of things” for our children to die first; and it is against the order of things for us to feel incapable of protecting our children from everything, anything, and anyone. 

The hurt and rage a parent feels is understandable.  A desire to do something with that hurt and rage is also understandable. It is generally difficult to get a sense of closure or justice or revenge.  And so many parents believe that, if they can get one or all of those, the pain goes away.  It doesn’t….not really.

An 18 year old young woman in Ohio sent nude pictures of herself to a boyfriend.  Apparently, this “texting” of private parts is quite the rage in the youth population.  At some point, the relationship ended, and he, I guess, thought it would be amusing to send the photos to other students at the school.

In May, 2008, the young teen went on a local Cincinnati television station to warn other teens against sending personal body part or naked photos to others, lest they also go through the harassment that she got, as students – mostly girls – called her a “slut” and a “whore.”  In spite of her noble efforts to warn other young people, and the gratitude she got from innumerable parents, two months later, she decided to kill herself, apparently as a way to avoid the painful embarrassment.

“Sexting” (as it’s called) is a growing problem that has resulted in child pornography charges being filed against some teens across the country, because sending sexually charged pictures of minors is a crime  One national survey found that 39% or more of teens are sending or posting sexually suggestive messages, and 48% report receiving them!

This young woman was humiliated by the daily snide remarks, and she started skipping school.  Her mother drove her to school to make sure she got there.  Then, after attending the funeral of one of her friends who committed suicide, this young, tormented woman hanged herself in her bedroom.

Of course, the focus for her mother is an attempt to punish those students or the school with lawsuits and criminal charges.  The mother is understandably beside herself and wanting to lash out in rage.  However, the fault doesn’t lie in the stars.  The openly sexual environment that children are exposed to makes these behaviors (like oral sex in middle school classrooms and bathrooms across the country) seem like the norm for the day.  Girls have always wanted to make boys love them, and cell phone texting technology just gives young people another avenue to express their hopeful desperation to be wanted and loved.

It was pathetic and stupid of her to send the picture; it was unconscionable of her ex-boyfriend to expose her to ridicule; it was disgusting for girls (competitive little witches that some can be) to make fun of her; it was brave for her to use her experience to warn others; it was too bad her family didn’t get her mental health support or transfer her to another school; it was a deadly coincidence that her friend committed suicide; it is an unspeakable anguish that she thought this was the best solution for a “temporary” problem.

I hesitate to write “temporary” because, with the Internet, such photos are forever, and those who wish to cause hurt to others relish in exploiting such mishaps for their own pathetic ego gain.

Parents, many of your children have already done this via hand-held video cameras or computer cameras.  Many of your children have already been “embarrassed,” while others have become more popular.  Very few will kill themselves, but even then, something in them does die, as what is precious and private becomes entertainment for the immature and downright mean.  Parents, make sure your kids know not to become either.

A Thirteen Year Old Father

I’m turning my blog today over to a 15 year old, who wrote me the following:
Dear Dr. Laura:

Hi. My dad sent something to my email that frankly made me sick. A young 13 year boy is now the father of a baby girl that was just born last Monday. The fact that the parents of this young boy let him have a 15 year old girlfriend, and the fact that they support this, makes me angry.

This poor little girl is going to grow up with an extremely young mother, an even younger father, and is probably going to live in a broken home. These kids are not ready to be parents.

Fortunately, my parents are together and happy, and all my life I’ve been given examples of what a relationship should be. I’m 15, and will never make the mistake of getting pregnant before I’m married. I feel sorry for the mother and father of the baby, because they’ve been robbed of their childhood. They will never get the freedom now that I have.

 I’ve listened to you for as long as I can remember, and I guess some of what you’ve been saying has sunk in. I was talking to my mom about the story and telling her how this baby needs to be given a good home with GROWN UP parents to take care of her. I couldn’t help thinking afterwards “WOW! That sounded like Dr. Laura!” Thank you so much for your preaching, teaching, and nagging that helps many little babies just like this one.

It makes me cry to think that this story probably won’t have a happy ending, and my heart goes out to that baby. Thank you so much for fighting for kids who can’t speak for themselves, and being a great role model.

Laura O.