When Someone Believes in You

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There’s an interesting program at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro that aims to keep 12 to 18 year old girls in school, minus the sad drama of pregnancies or abortions.

The program is sponsored by College Bound Sisters.  Girls in the program attend 90-minute meetings every week, at which they receive lessons in abstinence and the use of contraceptives, and they receive one dollar per day that they are not pregnant.  The money is deposited into a fund that’s available for collection when they enroll in college.

Obviously, there are many who will say “Hey, bribery is not the correct way to handle such behavioral issues.”  But slow down and think about it – when a 12 year old believes that one dollar a day is a great incentive, it tells you two things:

1. the gentle maturity level of such young girls
2. how so very many young girls are hungry for direction

Keep in mind that 3 out of 10 young women become pregnant by age 20, and the costs associated with teen pregnancies exceed $9 BILLION annually.

So, what’s their track record?  According to the co-director of the program, 6 of the 125 who have been enrolled for 6 months or longer have gotten pregnant or otherwise dropped out since it began in 1997 (and it only costs $75,000 – not billion – to operate the program).  Recent graduates have left the program with up to $3,000 saved up for college.  Basically, the representatives of the program say “If someone believes in you, there’s no end to what a lot of people can accomplish.”

This reminds me of a patient I had years ago, who went from “ditzy” behavior and drug addiction to clean and sober.  She completed college and advanced nursing training, and has been employed ever since.  A little ego in me caused me to ask here, “What made the difference here?”  I thought she’d point out some brilliant intervention of mine.  Nope, not at all.  She pointed out that I had believed in her when no one else did, that she had respected me, and I respected her potential.  That made the difference in her outlook and choices.

So, when you’re confused as to how to really help someone, just believe in them, and let them know it.

Expelled for Wearing Jeans

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The most important part of having “rights” is taking “responsibility” for those rights.  This is a concept many activist groups don’t “get,” as evidenced by their angry utterances and actions.  For these people (feminists, for example), their actions are irrelevant - they believe they should be able to say and do whatever they please.  It’s the other people who have to toe the line.

Here’s an example:  colleges in the Indian state of Uttar Pradesh said that female students would be banned from wearing jeans and other “western” clothes in order to halt sexual harassment by male classmates.  “Girls who choose to wear jeans will be expelled from the college,” Meeta Jamal, principal of the Dayanand girls’ college in Kanpur city told Agence France-Presse (AFP).  “This will be the only way to stop crime against women.”

Okay - so, jeans, shorts, tight blouses and mini-skirts on campus are being banned in a growing number of their colleges in an attempt to crack down on “EVE-teasing” (as sexual harassment is known in India).  But, of course, these “oh so mature” and wise girls between the ages of 17 and 20 say that these rules punish innocent females rather than tackling the men who talk “smack” to them..

Let’s look at this in a very pragmatic way.  Two girls are walking down the street, passing a group of young men.  Each girl is on the opposite side of the street.  One girl has on a tight-cropped top and low-cut jeans.  The girl on the other side of the street is wearing a pretty, but modest, dress.  Which side of the street are the guys going to pay attention to?  Which girl are they going to approach?  Which girl are they going to “tease” to see if they can “hook up?”  The answer is easy.

Which girl is showing off her “wares?”  Which girl is acting in a provocative manner?  Which girl is using clothing and body language to possibly advertise her, ahem, “social” availability?  Which girl looks as though sex is on her mind?  The answer is easy.

It is completely unreasonable for a provocatively-dressed woman to get any when guys hoot and whistle.  If clothing is just another form of “self-expression,” well, we all know what sexy clothes are expressing.  Modest clothes are expressing nothing close to a “come-hither” attitude.

A female at work has her boobs popping out of her top and a fellow worker says “nice boobs.”  He’s considered “bad,” but she isn’t?  Isn’t foisting your sexuality on someone else harassment?  Women can provoke men, but men can’t react?  That is the silly thinking of most feminists.

Young men in a classroom can’t pay attention to the blackboard and the teacher’s words when he has in front of him the sight of a girl’s lower back and upper butt, because she’s wearing very low cut jeans.  Young men on a campus can’t even remember which building to go into when a young woman walks by with her soft belly jutting out beneath her short top over her low-cut jeans.

This is where responsibility comes in.  If you don’t want that kind of attention, don’t invite it!

When I read the many of the comments posted in response to this story on Breitbart.com, I was not surprised at the naive and utterly stupid remarks about women having their rights to dress and behave any way they want (i.e., no responsibility), and men should control their verbal and emotional reactions (i.e., responsibility all on the men).

And then I got to this comment…a nugget of gold in the compost heap:

When I entered high school, it was the first year when girls were allowed to wear pants.  Since then, of course, clothing standards have dropped to the point where girls are wearing next to nothing on top of low-cut, tight jeans, or short-shorts. In high school, I would have screamed my head off that it was unfair to tell us what to wear.  Now that we’ve had 30 years of half-dressed high fashion, and I’ve become older and wiser, I understand why modesty makes sense.  Our schools, especially here in California, are a complete disaster.  There are many reasons for it, but requiring that girls dress modestly and that boys dress respectfully is a good start.  Considering that hormones are bubbling like volcanoes, particularly in teenage boys, simple steps like this would make a difference.  I remember the days when people dressed up nicely just to go to the movies!  I’m not advocating this, but I would even be for school kids wearing uniforms.  It puts them in a different frame of mind.  Trying to get kids to sit still, pay attention and get an education is not only difficult, but as we see from our dismal failure in the last 20 to 30 years, is imperative for the future of this country.  Looking back, it does amaze me how much my opinion has changed.  It is said that the devil is in the details, and I must concur.  The small things that I thought didn’t matter at all turn out to be very important, not only in and of themselves, but they are the blocks on which other decisions/behavior are built.  It’s really hard to see this when you’re 15 or even 25, but as have accumulated experience in life, it has become very clear.

And The Stinky Award Goes To…

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We always see awards given out for outstanding achievement - in performance (like the Tony Awards this past Sunday), in writing (like the Pulitzers) or a variety of humanitarian endeavors.  Well, I’ve decided to give out my own version of an award, which I’m calling “The Stinky.”  To find out exactly what and who prompted my decision to do this, you’ll have to watch the video below:

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

Raising Teenage Boys Into Responsible Men

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What is a father to do about his teenage son who would rather run with his friends than show the slightest bit of interest in getting a job or continuing his education?  I have an answer for that, and all you have to do is watch:

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

When Should the Kids Get Their Pink Slip?

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Parents these days are faced with the prospect of adult children moving back into the family home or forming some other kind of financial dependency on them.  When is enough enough?

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

Should I Spy on my Teenager?

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It’s a question smart parents ask themselves more than once, as soon as their adorable children move into their teen years and sometimes turn into alien beings.  Well, this week, one of my listeners asked me that question, and I decided to answer it in this week’s video:

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

Bristol Palin’s Baby Daddy Talks

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I am just sickened.  It seems the “male” who impregnated Sarah Palin’s teenage daughter outside of wedlock (and now, with no wedlock to be had) is going on television shows to give “his side” of the story.  What “sides” are there to be had when two teens breach basic moral good sense and have sex when they are in no position emotionally, psychologically or financially to raise a family?  Now there is yet another poor child in the world without an intact, covenantly committed, grown-up and secure two-parent, mom and dad family.  Sad.

In the old days, the man “did the right thing,” and marriage was the solution.  These days, men just walk away, or women declare that they “don’t need” a guy - they can do it all themselves.  Well, the abandonment by a dad is devastating to a child in many painful ways, and no woman, no matter how nurturing, can offer any child what they lose in not having that paternal influence.

So, instead of tarring and feathering this young man for daring to “kiss and tell,” he’s being treated like something special, with polite interviews on television!  I find this utterly disgusting, but typical for TV, which goes looking for situations like this to exploit for ratings, e.g., “We have an exclusive interview with the boy who knocked up Sarah Palin’s daughter!”

During the election, Mrs. Palin paraded her pregnant daughter and the sperm donor around to display family values, saying they were “engaged.”  That, too, was a disgusting display, especially with John McCain embracing this shameful young man on international television.

“Normalizing” children born without the protective womb of family is an assault on the well-being of children everywhere, and a bad influence on young men and women who too often follow that old adage:  “Monkey see, monkey do.”

Children should be our first concern and responsibility - not our incidental playthings.

Morning-After Pill for 17 Year Old Girls?

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Out-of-wedlock sex is just no big deal anymore.  It’s even the basic plot of many television sitcoms, making it seem like a royal good time.  After all, isn’t sex just a natural instinct and desirable physical release?  If you have an itch, it should be scratched, right?  At least that’s what I see my dog Bebe do when she clearly has an itchy paw.

Religious teaching be damned.  There should be no guilt about a good romp in the hay that is meaningless, whether extra-marital or non-marital.  Why the big fuss?

Well, let’s see.  We can throw in the “fuss” basket some of the following:

1. Sexually-transmitted diseases, some of which can kill.
2. Unwanted pregnancies, some of which we can kill or raise without a complete and loving home with two parents, who have a sacred covenant called marriage.

Of course, there’s also the unexpected consequence of realizing that very little out-of-wedlock sex has any meaning whatsoever after so many such experiences.  Women feel used and desperate; men feel crass and disappointed.  And never mind the hurt feelings that come from ultimate rejection when one gets bored and the other underestimates what being sexually intimate results in with regard to feeling about themselves and their life.

This all leads up to the fact that the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has been ordered by a federal judge to allow 17 year old girls (not women) to have Plan B, the morning-after pill, without a prescription, as it is available to those over 18.  This has been an ideological issue, as some folks wish for girls (married or not) to have no impediment to “expressing their sexuality” with the back-up of the morning-after pill, as well as abortion. 

This is astonishing to me, considering all the medical and emotional issues that surround sexuality.

The morning-after pill is a contraceptive that reduces the chance of pregnancy if taken within three days after sexual intercourse.   It contains a high dose of birth control drugs. The pill works by preventing ovulation or by interfering with implantation of a fertilized egg.

I’m just sad that girls, often having sex with adult males, figure it’ll all be okay without a condom, because the adult male reminds them that “there is always Plan B or an abortion.”  Not to worry…no big deal.

Well, over 32 years of a radio call-in program has provided me proof that there is no easy fix for the feelings of guilt, loss, being used, and multiple meaningless sexual experiences.  I, for one, am sad that we keep opening the door wider and wider for women and men to feel less and less responsibility and awe about each other.  No wonder anti-depressants are among the best-selling drugs in America.