Category Archives: Values

How to Respond to Insults and Put-Downs

As human beings, we all want to be liked by the people who really matter to us and know that our efforts are appreciated. So, when someone puts us down, excludes us or reacts negatively to what we do, it taps into our individual insecurities and can really sting.

Here are some of my strategies for dealing with insults:

1. Don’t look upset

I don’t care if you’re about to crumble into a little heap like an old-style vampire who has been out in the sun – never let them see you sweat. That’s exactly what they want. If you don’t look hurt, then their insults haven’t worked. Just smile and look as though they said “good morning” to you. Don’t act weak – they’ll treat you like prey and continue to abuse you.

2. Don’t retaliate

Confront the situation with humor. Instead of getting in their face, making threats or saying something you’ll regret, just say, “Gosh, thank you so much. I’m really going to think about that because it might be very helpful to my life.” It’s called sarcasm, but if you sell it well, it seems sincere.

3. Listen

Even though they’re being an ass, they may actually have some useful information you can use to improve yourself.

4. Respond to the intent behind the insult, not the insult itself

Say something like, “Wow, what happened between us that made you want to hurt me?” That way, you’re highlighting their intent to hurt you rather than addressing the insult. (It also doesn’t hurt to have other people around when you say this because it will really make the insulter look and feel uncomfortable).

5. If you find out someone is talking about you behind your back…

Approach the person and say, “I just wanted to tell you that I’m worried about you because I think you are trusting the wrong people.  I’ve heard that you’ve been saying unpleasant things about me. I’m not upset about that – you’re entitled to your opinion – I just wanted you to know that they are not protecting your privacy.”  Be sure to use the word “they”; that way, you don’t reveal who told you, and you make the gossiper feel paranoid about who he or she can trust. By making it seem like you’re showing them great compassion, you’re covertly addressing their insult and making them think twice before saying bad things about you or anyone else.

6. Walk away

The unfortunate truth is that some people won’t give up. You should simply avoid them and keep them out of your life.

Dear Daughter Letter

After watching Miley Cyrus disgusting performance on the VMAs, angry mom Kim Keller wrote an open letter to her 13-year-old daughter to turn this ugly display into a teaching moment.  I loved her letter so much, I read it on air, and am posting it below.

Kim just sent in this follow-up email which I wanted to share with you:

Thank you from Roadkill Goldfish, the author of “Dear Daughter”. I am the mom who wrote that viral letter about my commitment to parent my child. I wanted to thank you for reading it on the air. The feedback from parents has been OVERWHELMINGLY positive.

Dr. Laura, YOU are the reason I am my kids’ mom. I used to listen to your show on my commute. I was on a corporate fast-track, and I had every intention of going back to my full-time job after my daughter’s birth, but when the doctor handed me the sweet pink bundle I knew I couldn’t let anyone else raise her.

I would absolutely hug your neck if I had the opportunity, and I am so honored to have had you read my words. Thank you for being bold. Thank you for looking out for children.

Best regards,

Kim Keller
The Roadkill Goldfish

Here is Kim’s “Dear Daughter” letter:

“Dear daughter, let Miley Cyrus be a lesson to you.

Yes, this is what happens when you constantly hear everything you do is awesome. This is what happens when people fawn over your every Tweet and Instagram photo. This is what happens when no responsible adult has ever said the word ‘no,’ made you change your clothes before leaving the house, or never spanked your butt for deliberate defiance.

If you ever even consider doing something like that, I promise you that I will run up and twerk so you will see how ridiculous twerking looks. I will duct tape your mouth shut so your tongue doesn’t hangout like an overheated hound dog. I will smack any male whom you decide to smash against his pelvis – after I first knock you on your butt for forgetting how a lady acts in public.

Why would I do that? Because I love you and I want you to respect yourself. Miley Cyrus is not edgy or cool or sexy. She’s a desperate girl screaming for attention: Notice me. Tell me I’m pretty. See how hot I am. I know all the guys want me. All the girls want to be me.

You probably know girls who will emulate this behavior at the next school dance. Don’t do it with them. You are far too valuable to sell yourself so cheaply. Walk away. Let the boys gawk and know in your heart that they see only a body that can be used for their pleasure and then forgotten.

I’m sorry if you’ve ever felt sad because I haven’t gushed over everything you’ve done. My role is to praise when praise is due, but also to offer constructive criticism and correction when it is needed as well. I’m sorry if you’ve ever felt demoralized because your Instagram following isn’t in the thousands, and I’m sorry those ‘selfies’ can never capture how amazingly beautiful you truly are. I’m sorry if you’ve ever wished you had a friend instead of a mom, and I promise you that I will probably get worse when you hit high school.

Dear daughter, I am going to fight or die trying to keep you from becoming like the Miley Cyruses of the world.

You can thank me later.”

How Can I Make Them (or Myself) Change?

The type of call I’m least fond of on my show is “How do I change my sister-mother-cousin-uncle-father-friend-husband-wife-kid?”  People don’t change because YOU want them to.  They may not even change if THEY want to.

People need three things in order to change (and you’ll notice that your name is NOT among them):

1. Willingness 
2. Desire 
3. Courage

Let’s break them down…

Willingness 

A change that somebody else requests only gets made about 0.0001 percent of the time.  It usually takes a crisis or a really bad situation before someone willingly accepts that they need to change. They spend their energy rationalizing, justifying, making excuses, and explaining why they don’t have to.  In order to change, they have to be willing to make mistakes, look and feel stupid, be scared, and admit to others that they need to change.

Desire 

Desire is different from willingness. It’s the logical need to initiate the change. Desire is saying, “I really need to make this change because if I don’t, I’ll lose my marriage/health/life or limb.” The kinds of payoffs that inspire change are things the person values a lot.  Without their heart really being in it, they are never going to change.

Courage 

Courage is the most important of all the factors, and it’s the area where most people fail.  They may have the intellectual notion that they should do something better with their lives to be happier or more successful, but that’s not enough. True change requires guts.

When I first started on radio 30-plus years ago, I was so concerned with how smart I was going to sound that I had trouble tapping into what callers were saying and getting inside their heads. However, one day I just said to myself, “Look, it doesn’t matter how you sound. You’re supposed to be there to help people, and if you come across as stupid for one call or several calls, so be it.” It was at that point that I really started to be able to hear what callers were saying.  I could open up with them because I had gotten myself out of the way.

If you allow yourself to get in the way, keep obsessing over how you sound or look, or continuously worry about who is going to approve, you can’t do what you are meant to be doing.  I like to think that we are all meant to do something on this earth. However, so many of you don’t do what you may desire to try because you can’t stand the interim period of looking stupid to someone else.  But sometimes you have to look like an idiot today in order to be better tomorrow.

When you’re faced with a conflict or the possibility of looking stupid, you lose your good intentions and the gumption to sustain a change. This is why you have to be able to speak the truth and accept that you’re not perfect.  One thing I think everyone should do is get up in the morning and say the Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Knowing what you can and cannot change is probably the most important piece of information you can get into your head at the beginning of the day. If you say it out loud, it will have a lot less power over you.

Finally, you can’t beat yourself up when you try and things don’t go perfectly. There’s a difference between healthy and unhealthy perfectionism.  Healthy perfectionism means that you use your drive to learn and challenge yourself. It is unhealthy to beat yourself up when you make mistakes – that’s something ALL humans do. Otherwise, your life will be a total retreat.

Have you ever shot pool, played golf, or done any other type of sport where you have to control a part of your body to move something else? No matter how much training you’ve had, when you’re stressed, nervous, scared or challenged, you tend to revert back to old familiar habits. This happens to me when I play tennis. When I’m feeling stressed or pressured, I tend to bring my elbow in and do a chop shot. The way I recover is by saying in my brain, “It doesn’t matter if you miss the ball. What matters is that you continue to do the right swing, and eventually, you’ll be hitting all the balls correctly.”  This may seem like a silly example, but the same mindset applies to all aspects of your life.

Why Shacking Up Isn’t All It’s Cracked Up to Be

Couples who shack up before marriage are more likely to divorce, experience domestic violence, have sexual and emotional problems, and be involved in affairs. Yet, regardless of the statistics, people continue to do it.

The myth couples use to justify shacking up is that by living together before marriage, they can “test drive the car” and have a more satisfying and longer-lasting marriage. But it’s just the opposite.  People shack up because they are skittish about commitment and, therefore, more likely to call it quits when problems arise.

In addition, couples who shack up actually lose objectivity because they’re not looking at the relationship from a distance.  They literally haven’t had the “space” to step back and objectively consider whether this person is truly the best match for them.  Instead, they sort of just drift into marriage.

Another reason not to shack up: You won’t have a healthy relationship with your extended family.  A supportive extended family is one of the things that makes a marriage work.  However, moms, dads, siblings, and other family members are not going to expend as much effort, caring, and commitment to you as a couple when it’s an iffy situation.  People often forget that and then complain about their family not treating their shack-up stud or honey like family. Well hell, if you want them to be treated like family, make them family!

Quite frankly, if you shack up, you are basically saying that your future marriage isn’t valuable enough to be worth waiting and making tough sacrifices for.  I love it when people shack up and then demand a traditional wedding. How can you choose to live in a tremendously untraditional way and still expect your parents to cough up the money for a traditional party?  If a kid wants to slap the face of tradition, they are on their own.

Finally (and most importantly), shacking up hurts kids.  If (and usually when) a woman gets pregnant in a shack-up situation, there is a high probability that the sperm donor will split within two years, which results in a never-married-single-mom raising a fatherless child. A guy who is screwing a woman without laying down his life for her doesn’t want to be a dad – he’s just getting off.

In my opinion, the best way to test your compatibility for marriage and reduce your chances of divorce to almost nothing is:

1) Don’t have sex until you’re married.
2) Date for at least one year before you get engaged.  
3) Participate in a structured premarital counseling program which includes psychological testing. 

However, I know most of you are not going to do that.  So, operate at your own risk – or rather, the risk of your kids.

Feminism: The Best Thing to Ever Happen to Young Males

Feminism initially started off as a good thing. A woman with equal ability should have the same opportunities as a man.  She shouldn’t be given a leg up or down because of her gender – it should all be based on ability.

However, what feminism evolved into was women hooking up, disdaining men, and deciding not to raise their own children.  Women began taking less interest in their homes, husbands, and kids, and what resulted was very destructive to both men and women.

First off, boys started growing up to be “males” instead of “men.”  The best thing to ever happen to young males was feminism because it saved them a lot of money paying for whores.  With all the hooking up and casual sex that goes on these days, most girls act like whores – they just don’t get paid for it.  And what guy wants to lay down his life for some skank who has been with 18 guys?  What for? He doesn’t see her as motherhood and apple pie, he sees her as a skank.  This is why young males stand by and watch when girls are molested and raped – it’s entertainment to them.

In addition, feminism encouraged mothers to neglect their kids.  I think it’s wonderful for a woman to go through medical school and save a lot of lives, but she shouldn’t have kids.  We shouldn’t dump kids by the wayside so we can pursue a career.  No nanny or day care can take the place of a mother’s arms.

What began as a noble cause has emasculated and effeminized our culture to a disgraceful level.  As parents, we need to place more value on teaching kids to be ladies and gentleman again – and fast.