Standing Up for People, Values and Ideals

 Email This Post

An all-too-typical issue that comes up on my radio program is cowardice, because someone didn’t stand up for others, for values and/or for ideals.  The standard excuses range from not wanting to escalate a situation, being afraid of other people getting mad, fear of being marginalized or left out, being afraid of being “judged,” not “liking” confrontation, not wanting to lose the image as a nice person, and so on.

I disrespect the actions of not standing up for friends, fairness (even when a friend is not involved), and values.  Some of my callers are parents whose adult children are behaving recklessly, thoughtlessly, and in total opposition to how they were brought up.  Too many of these parents are more concerned with “peace at all costs” instead of continuing their parental leadership by clarifying their position and drawing the line.

I remember a long time ago, there was a talk show host coming on right after my program.  We were polar opposites in our political views, and she would use her three hours on the air to critique my program.  This, of course, annoyed the heck out of me, but I never spoke about it on the air - not even once - because I don’t use my air time to do anything but help people do and be better in their lives.

Fast forward several years later, and a feminist group went after her with venomous attacks, attempting to destroy her career.  Mind you, she was a feminist activist leader herself, but she dared to have her own opinion about something that went against the grain of the activist group’s position.  It turns out that I was the first person who called her the next morning - with a call of support.  It galled me that there was a concerted effort to unfairly destroy her career.  I just don’t like life’s unfair qualities, and I have generally stood up to them no matter what.

Fast forward again years later, and I was being unfairly attacked by a different activist group that she had once been part of.  She went into numerous public venues to defend and support me. 

We both took hits for doing these things, but we both turned out to like each other very much, and we both still maintained the bulk of our differing opinions.  We did, however, agree on one point of ethics, morals, and values:  you defend who or what is being attacked unfairly, and consequently, we both defended responsible free speech.

We both lost to the power of the activist groups, however, but we won each other’s respect and support, all while keeping the high ground.  We each went on growing in success and the respect of our peers as well. 

That’s one very personal experience for me.  I hope the next time you see rudeness or cruelty, you will stand up.

Racial comments coming from Don Imus are as ugly and unnecessary (except for ratings) as the joke about Sarah Palin’s daughter getting “knocked up” by a baseball player.  It isn’t the term “knocked up” that’s the issue - I use it all the time for out-of-wedlock pregnancies, because they usually end up with the child being aborted or growing up with the chaos of a life with one parent gone.  David Letterman wanted to shoot insults at Palin simply because she’s Republican, and he aimed his gun at her child.  That’s disgusting.  How many of you would stand for that happening to your child? 

Imus lost his job…temporarily…and Letterman’s ratings are higher.  And I’m left wondering if you’ll stand up for others (or values, morals, ethics and principles) when most others around you will turn their gaze away.

Readin’, ‘Riting, and ….Bribing?

 Email This Post

As I was walking through my kitchen to my office, my husband was having his morning cereal, watching Fox News.  They were in the midst of a perky promo for “what’s coming up next,” concerning a school district that was using financial rewards to motivate students to get good grades.  I kept walking… and only heard one bit more about the subject:  “It’s working.”

That promo stuck in my mind because of those last words:  “It’s working.” 

If tantalizing children with money, money, money actually makes them get good grades, because they pay more attention in class, put more effort into their homework, are more invested in studying for exams and working on reports and projects, well, that means that a lot of kids aren’t living up to their potential.

Why would MONEY make the difference, and not the appreciation of their parents, the respect of their peers, the approval from their teachers, or the mere burst of pride in doing well?  The answer is simple:  kids these days are not raised to care about appreciation, respect, approval and pride…period!  They are brought up to care about celebrity, extravagance, notoriety, freakish attention (think reality shows), infamy as a positive experience, and extreme non-conformity to traditional values.

What happens to these kids when the money isn’t there, but there is still the expectation of profound effort and commitment?  Certainly teachers, police, firefighters, those in the military, and small shop owners (to name just a few) aren’t putting out their best efforts for the financial reward.  A police officer who “collars” a serious bad guy gets a lot of thumps on the back, a night of some beers with fellow colleagues, and a notch toward an eventual promotion in rank.  Mostly, he has pride in doing his job well. 

These children are not being moved in that direction at all by this “money reward for grades” idea (except, maybe, for the beer).

Schools have been eliminating accolades such as high honors at graduation (e.g., valedictorian) so as not to hurt the self-esteem of those who won’t or can’t rise to that occasion.  Yet, they want to give money, money, money to those who do.  What is THAT message?  No one’s feelings are going to be hurt because they didn’t get the money, money, money.  Ugh.

I think we should go back to showing respect for the children who do perform well: for example, point systems that offer monthly “perks” like not having to take a few quizzes because their grades are above a B+, or earning a class trip to the zoo, aquarium, or museum or something else that acknowledges their efforts without minimizing the meaning by throwing coins at them.

The Pope, The Rabbi and Condoms

 Email This Post

During his recent African trip, Pope Benedict XVI said that the distribution of condoms would not resolve the AIDS problem.  The Pope has made it clear that abstinence is going to be the best way to fight AIDS.

Google “Pope” and “condoms,” and you’ll never run out of reading material excoriating the man for his observation and opinion.  Many health advocates have gone ballistic in their criticism of his comments.  They feel it is one thing to promote abstinence as part of the Catholic religion, but that it is an entirely different thing to preach it to the world.

On a person-by-person basis, wearing a condom does, of course, offer some protection against contracting various venereal diseases and (of course) unwanted pregnancy.  It is also true that condoms sometimes break, slip, or are put on incorrectly (taut to the very end).  Everything has its limitations…except abstinence.

I remember listening to a rabbi describing a situation that occurred to his kosher family.  His 7 year old child was invited to a birthday party for a classmate at one of those fast-food hamburger establishments.  When he came to pick up his child at the end of the party, one of the mothers - clearly annoyed - chastised him for the pain he caused his son.  “All the children had hamburgers, chicken nuggets, french fries and dessert, and your little boy had to sit there and eat none of it.  Imagine how terrible your son must have felt?  How could you do this to him?  Food is food.  There is nothing sinful about food.  What you are doing to him is just cruel.”  Just about at the end of her tirade, his son bounded up to him, gave him a huge hug around the waist, and said “I had a great time.  This was a fun party.”

The woman blanched and walked away.  The rabbi followed her and gently told her the following:  animals will eat whatever is around, even if it will make them unhealthy.  Humans are to rise above animals and become masters of their urges.  Imagine my son in a dorm room where harmful illicit drugs are being passed about.  We already know that peer pressure and urges will not force him to relent and give in to the impulse.  Learning at his early age to control impulse and desire is not a harmful trait - many times, it might be a life-saving one.  Look at him.  He enjoyed the company of your son and the rest of the children without giving up his values.  He looks happy and satisfied.  We really need to bring up our children to be masters of their instincts, not slaves to them, don’t you think?
The woman scowled, but listened to him.

Yes, in any one instance, a condom could protect, but in the overall scheme of humanity, why do so many people wish to push away the enormous protective power of moral values?

When the Pope suggests that human beings are best off saving their sexual passion for the stability of a covenant of marriage, he is making a statement that the act of sexuality is elevated by the context, and ultimately protects both man and woman from a myriad of hurtful consequences from venereal diseases to unwanted pregnancies (complete with abortions, abandonment, single-parenthood, and homelessness to name a few).

The naysayers all have one thing in common:  they refuse to want, believe or accept that human beings can commit to a higher spiritual state of thought and behavior.  The Pope believes in us more than that.

I am not Catholic, so this is no knee-jerk defense of my spiritual leader.  The truth is that he is simply correct and too many people don’t want to hear it, because they want to live lives unfettered by rules.  It is sad that they don’t realize that this makes them a slave to animal impulse versus a master of human potential.

The Value of Honesty

 Email This Post

As children do in general, when I was a small child, I lied to my parents when I got caught doing something I shouldn’t have, or not doing something I should have.  The reason why lying is so popular among children is that it is their attempt to keep out of trouble and avoid punishment.

After a while, as children mature, they learn that lying is worse than the dumb thing they did (like eat all the potato chips before their parents’ party started), because it hurts the relationship by destroying trust.  In addition, lying brought consequences - dire consequences in the old days (spankings) and stupid consequences in the present (loss of cell phone privileges for a few days), or none at all (when parents are just too busy).Nonetheless, the value of honesty (as demanded in the commandment not to bear false witness) has been a cornerstone in this country’s value system about measuring character in individuals.

We already have way too many “role models” who actually make superficial lifestyles, drugs, casual sex, and domestic violence attractive to our children, making it harder and harder to tell them “That’s wrong to do, and if you do it, you will be publicly embarrassed, and your life will get off track.”  There isn’t much in society to back that statement up anymore.

I am soooooo glad I don’t have a young child at home anymore.  Sitting at breakfast last week, watching the so-called news, I looked up to see Senate Banking Committee Chairman Christopher Dodd say (and I paraphrase) that the line in the federal stimulus bill which would have given over $100 million in bonuses to AIG executives - the ones responsible for the company’s demise - if they were promised before February 11th, was nothing he knew about.  “When I left work after writing that part of the bill…that sentence wasn’t there.”

I sat there “chewing” on his statement, wondering what gremlin snuck into his office and typed that sentence while he was home in the bosom of his family.  My question was answered within seconds as a second news clip was shown with him admitting the HE was the gremlin, but then he threw the White House under the bus with, “They made me do it.”

Now I am mortified.  “I didn’t have sex with that woman,” and “I didn’t’ write the sentence that stole money from Americans to give bonuses to high-ranking losers” have entered the ranks of the story about George Washington admitting to his dad that he cut down the cherry tree.

I could see my kid right now…”Ah, mommy, what’s the story here?”  You said lying was bad, and bad things would come of it, like at least looking bad, but he’s still going to be a Senator tomorrow.”

Millions of you out there have children who saw what I saw.  What are you going to say to them about corruption at the highest levels that ultimately gets just a “wink and a nod?”  What about all those courses in school where “character matters?”  Where does it matter in public anymore?  Some of you can fall back on “God knows, and for all eternity, it WILL make a difference.”  I like that a lot, except children don’t think long-term, nor do they dwell on the importance of what they can’t see.

Asian countries have it right - they threaten people with the anger and shame of their ancestors.  America has it wrong.  It would seem to children that the only really important quality needed to become a public figure is to not give a damn about right and wrong or what people think, or that a lie is anything but an expedient tool with no meaningful consequences.

Oh, yeah, the White House is acting all outraged about the AIG bonuses at the same time it is apparently the source of the benevolent donation to the failed executive fund of AIG.  Is this what they mean by the “trickle down” theory?

Were I to have a child by my side this morning, I would say:  “Beloved child, when you read history books (and not the purged ones you get at school, but real history books), you will see that success and honesty are not necessarily bed partners.  Nonetheless, never do anything you would be ashamed to have your kids know you did or have them do.  I would rather you lost everything you worked for, rather than lose your soul.”  I figure the more you tell kids this from the day they’re born to the day you die, we’ll have some people in this life we can trust.

Motherhood: A College Student’s Singular View

 Email This Post

I’m turning my blog today over to Sharen Cervantes, a sophomore at Occidental College, with excerpts from an article she wrote for her campus newspaper:

It’s a testament to the changing times that single motherhood is no longer a lamentable predicament, but a choice, something pre-meditated and embarked upon with pleasure.  An even bigger testament to the nature of the 21st century is the fact that more and more of these unwed mothers do not fit the archetype of the uneducated, hapless teenager.

According to a recent article in “The New York Times,” the number of college-educated women choosing to have children out of wedlock has increased by a staggering 145% since 1980, with most of the women in this pool of mature age (i.e., in their 30s, 40s, and even 50s).

Now, I support progress as much as the next person, and I’m especially supportive when it comes to women’s progress.  Up until a short time ago, women were bound to the household and familial unit, unable to aspire toward anything beyond domestic and childcare obligations….

Single motherhood, however, doesn’t strike me as progress.  While it may serve as testimony that the modern woman can single-handedly manage a household and act as a financial provider, it also denies the single-parent child something essential:  a father.  It’s hard to explain what it means to have or, or why not having one is significant.  The impact of a father’s absence ranges from the trivial…to the vital (forever wondering what a father could have brought to your life, for instance).  And there’s just something about having a second parental figure in the house to forget or disregard a punishment when Mom is away.  Things aren’t always this rosy, of course.  I’m enough of a cynic to realize that phenomena like divorce and negligent fathers make single motherhood almost more desirable than traditional husband/wife parenthood.  But shouldn’t the dual-parent model still be a goal?

I guess my biggest issue with single motherhood is its effect on a child’s psychology…..The issue here is not ability.  The issue here is efficacy.

What happens, for instance, when a single mother decides to play the inevitable dating game?  Does she introduce these men to her child?  It is even appropriate or conducive to an impressionable child to do so?  Not in my eyes.  It actually strikes me as rather selfish.  It is not in a child’s best interest to witness a slew of men (or even a handful) come into and out of his or her mother’s life.  It’s even less permissible for a child to witness men coming into and out of his or her own life, especially when there’s a strong chance of attachment on the child’s part…..Attachment then leads to affection, affection leads to love, and love leads to a sense of hurt and loss if and when Mom and “Mr. Potential” end things.

Is this fair?  No.  Does this promote a happy and healthy childhood experience?  No.  Is this type of situation inevitable and nearly universal?  Unfortunately, it is.  So, really, why the suddenly-escalating need to put children in this difficult position?  And what’s wrong with a little tradition?

Progress may be great, but so are old-fashioned values.  After all, isn’t it especially critical that we uphold traditional ideals like daily family dinners and family game nights in today’s high-tech, progress-driven world?  It seems to me that there are already too many conflicting interests to which the family must take a back seat, including work and financial anxiety.  The one point of stability in all this disunity and dysfunction is the mother/father/child dynamic.  So, I firmly believe that it should be maintained.

Britney Spears and Kohl’s Team Up…To Subvert Morals

 Email This Post

Kohl’s Department Store has signed a deal with Britney Spears for her to “represent” their Juniors clothing line - you know, the line for young girls.  Part of this deal is to promote her music and current tour.  Parents, here’s a sample of what Kohl’s sees as a great match for your daughter:

“Get Naked”
My body is calling out for you, bad boy
I get the feeling that I just want to be with ya’
Baby, I’m a freak and I don’t really give a damn
I’m crazy as a mother ‘effer’
Bet that on ya man

Get naked…would you mind?
Take it off (I took it off)
Get naked.

Her so-called “Circus” tour is highlighted on YouTube.  Ya gotta love the guys in leather thongs and those tassel pasties she sports.  Frankly, she makes Madonna’s Virgin tour look downright virginal.

Kohl’s Department Store must know that:
* Her first marriage lasted 55 hours.
* Her second marriage lasted a bit longer
* She posed in the nude for Harper’s Bazaar
* She flashed a naked crotch at photographers getting out of her car
* She has been busted for drug use
* She lost custody of her children because of child endangerment issues
* And on and on….just the role model for our young daughters of today.

Did you know that Spears was named the “Most Searched Person” in the Guinness Book of World Records in 2007 and 2009?  Kohl’s probably thinks that “attention is attention” - what the hell if it sells junior-size schmatas?

One of my listeners wrote a letter of complaint to Kohl’s, stating that she is “very sad to learn Britney Spears is a part of your store.  She has had such troubles and still is not in charge of her life, nor has she been found competent to raise her own kids.   You have elected to reward her and flaunt her irresponsible behavior.  We will no longer shop at Kohl’s.”

I read the (probably) form letter that Kohl’s wrote in response, which purported to “regret that you have concerns regarding this decision.  Ms. Spears is an international celebrity and pop culture icon who embodies the spirit of the Candie’s brand and personifies the iconic ‘Candie’s Girl:’  flirty, self-confident, and stylish.”

Their letter goes on to say that Britney has a right to privacy (are you kidding?  Twisting tongues with Madonna on a stage demonstrates a desire for privacy??), and her personal life does not reflect the views of Kohl’s Department Stores.

Flirty, self-confident and stylish?  How ’bout “piggish, out of control, and irresponsible parent?”  She is, however, PAYING Kevin Federline (a/k/a “Daddy”) some $5,000 per week while she blasts around with this vulgar tour which should make billions.

How stupid does Kellogg’s now feel for dumping Michael Phelps for sucking up pot through a bong?  They actually thought that values, character and role-model responsibilities mean something!  Silly, silly them.

You parents ultimately decide where your children shop and what they buy.  Try being responsible and stand up for values. 

Bribery?! Haven’t We Been There, Done That?

 Email This Post

The Health section of The New York Times on March 2 debated the usefulness of bribing school children with money, toys, candy and electronic gizmos to have them attain better grades.

When I was in school, it was cute stickers and the pride of getting a good grade that you could brag about that made your parents all sorts of happy.  The good grade was the proximate award for all the hard work.  Getting the reputation as being smart was a good thing, and becoming valedictorian was great, as was qualifying for scholarships of all sizes for college.  Spending a lifetime knowing you worked hard and earned what you had the hard way was the long-term reward.

Now, some geniuses want to rob children of all of that.  These greater minds than ours want children to fight for things of substance (money) rather than for things of glory (purpose).  Not all endeavors have a high rate of financial return:  a hospice worker helps the dying and their families face their fears of death; a fireman runs into burning buildings to save complete strangers from a horrible death; kindergarten teachers introduce our children to the world of budding independence, self-confidence, social maneuvering and the alphabet…and that’s only a few examples.

Frankly, we need more kind and compassionate people than we do more “A” students in this world, as it turns out that the greatest thieves (many CEOs, crooked politicians and Ponzi scheme giants), terrorist masterminds, and general sociopaths all have very high IQ levels and got great grades.

How about us giving financial rewards, candy and electronic gizmos to kids who go out of their way not to bully, tease, steal, lie, sexually harass, or sexually act-out?  Or to those who won’t drink or take drugs or steal or backtalk their elders? 

Would that work, I wonder?

“Impressions” of President Obama

 Email This Post

I just turned 62.  In my life, I have seen blacks go from the back of the bus to the White House.  I have seen women gain respect in the workplace.

But I have also seen an explosion in divorces.  Abortions.  Out-of-wedlock kids…on purpose.

I have seen a collapse of the values that made and can still make America great.  I have seen an abdication of personal responsibility in favor of the adoption of victimhood and situational ethics. 

There are many things that concern me about our new president.  Many policies that frankly, make me nervous.  But there are some things that I am impressed by, and hope he will set a tone and become a role model for our society.

I am impressed by President Obama’s work ethic.  I am impressed by his clear love for his wife and family.

I am impressed that during the campaign, Michelle Obama made sure she was home with her daughters 5 days a week.

I am impressed that they have invited the children’s grandmother to live with them in the White House.

I am impressed that the first black president got there through his own hard work and not because of affirmative action programs.

I am impressed that President Obama took the time to visit with some of our wounded warriors from Iraq and Afghanistan the day before he took office as Commander-in-Chief.

Now, I hope that through these actions, our new president will serve as a role model for all Americans - to take their vows and responsibilities as seriously as the day they made them.

And that’s my take on today.