Daycares Don’t Care

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I consider day care (outside of emergency backup) a form of child neglect, and definitely one of society’s ills, as mothers are being universally reinforced to turn their babies, toddlers, and small children over to institutionalization instead of loving parental contact for most of the day. 

One of you emailed to me a link to a website called Daycares Don’t Care…How Can A Daycare Love?  It’s at www.daycaresdontcare.org.  Here’s a sample of what’s on their homepage:

“Everyone knows it’s true, but almost everyone is afraid to say it:  day care institutions don’t care about or love your child like you do.  For years, many experts have been warning us about the detrimental consequences for children placed in day care.  This website contains an extensive index of publications about the problems with day care from well-known child development authorities, psychologist, psychiatrists, pediatricians, public policy analysts, sociologists, day care providers, and others.

This collection of day care information seeks to counterbalance the relentless pressure placed upon parents to abandon their children to these impersonal institutions.

These findings show no amount of legislation, government funding, money, early childhood training, regulations or inspections can make a day care LOVE your child.

Additionally, this website is intended to encourage and affirm those parents who have made the choice to avoid day care and care for their own children - a choice that too often has been criticized and devalued by many in our society.”

Did you see Toy Story 3, about a group of toys escaping from the hellish “Sunnyside Day Care?”  One of the toys says “Day care is a sad place.”

This website is wonderful, and filled with important information you need to know for your own well-being as well as your child’s.  We’ve heard enough of media complaining about a “day care crisis” instead of a “home care crisis,” and enough of politicians pushing for more government day care subsidies versus tax breaks for at-home parenting.  We’ve had enough of people extolling the benefits of institutionalized child care while disdaining at-home parental involvement.  Enough!

Do check out www.daycaresdontcare.org, and help yourself and the next mom out there who could benefit from your pro-family activities by feeling supported in doing what should come naturally:  loving your child versus watching them on a nannycam.

When Hate Shows Character

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On June 30, I posted a blog about “hating” evil.  I got the following response from one brave young woman, and I’m making her my guest blogger today:

Hi, Dr. Laura:

I am 27 years old and have been listening to you for as long as I can remember.  My mom turned you on in the car.  She was a stay-at-home mom, but we did way more than just stay at home.  I listen [to your radio program] via Streamlink, so I just heard your commentary on hate.  You have made me feel even more right in my choice to hate.

I have a brother-in-law who is a skinhead.  He is also a criminal - [having gone] in and out of jail over the years.  My sister brought this man into my life when I was 12 years old, so since then, my family has been battling him and his drunken fits and fights with my sister.  I grew up opinionated; I have convictions and they are strong, so naturally, we butted heads.  But for a long time, I would just get along with this monster for the sake of peace (as my mother taught me).

When I turned 18 and moved out, I saw that I could choose who was in my life.  And after an incident at my other sister’s home where I was given the “Heil Hitler” salute, I was done.  Done making peace.  I found that making peace with this man was to be okay with all the evil he brought into my family.  My mom suggested I just be careful of him as if he were a pit bull.  I thought “no,” and then was sad that my family would not take the stand I would.

So, any holiday or family get-together, I made it clear that I would not attend if he did.  And I missed out on a lot.  People were just too scared of what they might look like, or scared that my sister would say no one could see the children, or another excuse I find just as evil as him.  He didn’t do anything to me personally, so I can’t shun him.  I was very sad that my family had chosen to make peace with the devil rather than stand up to him.

My saving grace was my boyfriend’s family, whose home constantly was a place I could go, and they told me they thought I was doing what was right.

This year, I have been able to see my family on holidays - it took one last fight where my brother-in-law assaulted my dad and destroyed their property.  It is sad that that is what it took for my parents and oldest sister to decide that peace was not the way.  My sister is still married to him, but is now she who misses out on family events, because her husband is no longer welcome. 

I hope she sees his dangerous and destructive pattern and gets herself and her children out of there, but, sadly, I’m not holding my breath.

Thank you for all you do, and for making me realize that other people’s actions need not define my character.

Nancy

Do Appearances Really Matter?

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Despite all the evidence to the contrary, there are still some people who think that dressing down and neglecting their grooming won’t affect their appeal to the opposite sex.  Today’s correspondent is angry at her mother for offering parental wisdom:

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.

What To Do About People Who Annoy You

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There is no doubt in my mind we all have someone in our lives who is downright annoying - it seems to be just one of those facts of life.  It’s your reactions to those people that concerns me.  So many of you write me or call me about how upset you get and how your feelings are hurt when you encounter that annoying individual. 

So stop a moment and ask yourself :  “Why?”  Why are you overreacting to “annoying?”  Annoying is not vicious.  Annoying is about the other person being insensitive, jealous, inadequate (and therefore critical), lonely (and therefore attempting to be involved)…stuff like that.

You need to distinguish “annoying”  from “mean.”  “Mean” is to be avoided; the negative content of “annoying” is to be ignored.  Here’s what I mean:

You go to a relative or friend’s home and they comment about your hair, clothes, kid, lifestyle, eating habits, etc.  You can get all upset, OR you can say “Oh, you’re so cute…” and give them a hug.  Let it be at that. 

Surprise and confusion are the most powerful weapons:  not anger or tears.  And nothing surprises someone who is being critical more than a hug and a smile.  It may seem difficult for you to imagine doing that but two things are instantly accomplished:

1.  You don’t feel as bad because you’re behaving nicely, and behavior has a direct effect on feelings!
2. The other person is taken by surprise (i.e., your showing affection), and finds it more difficult to remain negative or critical toward you - it just becomes too awkward.  So remember….surprise and confusion!

No one who is annoying expects anything except your bowing to their attempt at power or relevance.  Affection with humor has you keeping the power.

Try it.  With a smile, of course!

Quote of the Week

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What dreadful hot weather we have!  It keeps me in a constant state of inelegance.
               - Jane Austen
                  British novelist
                  1775-1817

Manson Family Murderer Denied Parole

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Leslie Van Houten, the one-time Charles Manson follower, faced her 19th parole hearing on Tuesday with a new lawyer. 

Van Houten, 60, remains in prison at the California Institution for Women at Frontera, which is the same prison where another Manson follower, Patricia Krenwinkle is imprisoned.  Susan Atkins, the third woman convicted of murder in the crimes directed by cult leader Manson, died in prison after parole officials denied her dying request for freedom.

Van Houten was 19 years old when she joined other members of the Manson cult in the brutal, sadistic, merciless killings of Leno and Rosemary LaBianca, who were murdered in their own home in their own bed in August, 1969.

Her lawyer says she is rehabilitated and remorseful. 

In the coverage of this story on Tuesday, many people posted comments online.

This one was for Van Houten’s release:

“I always find it amusing how un-Christianlike so many so-called ‘Christians’ are.  Before judging, ask yourself if YOU are the same idiot now that you were at 19.  No, wait - some of you probably are!  Yes, nothing will bring the LaBiancas back, but there is a difference between ‘justice’ and ‘revenge.’  If she is actually, truly rehabilitated (and not one of you is her psychiatrist, so you don’t actually know anything), and able and willing to be a productive member of society, then justice has probably been served.  Let the courts decide, and hope that if you ever end up on trial that the jury of your peers is made up of people who aren’t all exactly like you.  But if you have no compassion, then look at it this way:  it costs more money to keep her in than to let her out.  And the cell she’s currently occupying could be used to house another young violent animal until she learns some sense.”

And this comment argued against Van Houten’s release:

“Manson and his followers tortured and killed seven people, and have been in prison for 40 years - not even 10 years per life they took.  They should have all been executed in the beginning, and the tax dollars saved.  For the folks that say ‘but she was only 19,’ I know 19 year olds who join the military, willing to lay down their lives for an ideal; I know 19 year olds who work with Habitat for Humanity.  They are worth saving.  This piece of trash forfeited that when she joined in the massacre.  If her family wants to keep her alive, then let them pay the monetary cost.  When the money runs out, a bullet to the head will end it.  Send the bill for the bullet and the burial to the defense lawyer.”

Frankly, I am always amused to hear someone hasn’t committed crimes while in prison.  It’s kind of difficult to find a child to rape, or a family in bed to brutally murder you once you hook up with a team of sadistic buddies.  So what Van Houten has taken courses and participated in group therapy sessions?  People are permanently dead because of her actions. 

I was against her parole for two reasons:

1.  Symbolic - we don’t show an ultimate respect for life when we show mercy to the merciless; and
2. The price was life in prison - Van Houten forfeited her right to live in society.  It sounds like her life in prison has been quite rewarding - what with education, social life, and work.  She’s luckier than her victims.

I think Leslie Van Houten is exactly where she earned to be, and if it costs money to keep her there, it is money well spent.  Apparently, the parole board agreed with me too, because they denied her request for parole.  She will have the chance to ask for her freedom for the 20th time in the year 2013.

Single Parenthood By Choice

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I often get fascinating letters and emails from listeners to my radio program. 

Dr. Laura:
Recently, I was invited to join a group in support of removing Father’s and Mother’s Day celebrations in public schools.  Upon looking further into this group, I found that the founder of this group was a single mom “by choice,” and was angry her child was being made to feel bad because the other children have daddies, and hers does not.  I wanted to send you the email I sent her:

I think you should seriously consider shutting down this group.  I find
it interesting  you “chose” single parenthood for your child, but are not punishing those who did not for YOUR decision.  The majority of children have a mother and father and those who don’t will have to learn to deal with disappointment and adapt.  You act as though she shouldn’t have to learn to deal with disappointment, but in order to become a productive adult, she will.  Sadly, this disappointment was thrust upon her by you.  Instead of sitting down with her like an adult and explaining why she doesn’t have a father and why you chose that life for you, you are placing the blame on the school system for making her feel bad and putting her in an uncomfortable situation.  You do realize Father’s Day isn’t the only time she’ll be reminded she has no father, right?  By making this subject taboo, you are making her feel further alienated and, in the same breath, telling her you made a decision for her that was wrong.  Make up your mind.  Either you did this by choice and are willing to deal with the consequences, or you are embarrassed by the situation you are in and you want to cover up your mistake so your daughter doesn’t have to know.  Grow up and take ownership of your choices.

S.

I cannot tell you how happy I was to read this.  I hope that you are taking stands whenever you see people deconstructing the family to permit themselves the freedom to do whatever the hell they want.

The woman referred to in this letter, like so many others, decided :  “I want a kid.”  “I want a kid” - not “Gee, I’d really like to be a Mom.  What’s in the best interest of a child?”  How about a mom and a dad, married, and no daycare?  No.  It was just what “I” want for this woman.  So with this group, she has tried to deconstruct the family in the public schools by saying there’s no Mother’s or Father’s Day - it’s all irrelevant - trying to cover up that she knows she did something wrong to her kid, by intentionally robbing her child of a father, for her own selfish needs.  And our society is giving all of that a pass:  “anything you want to call ‘family’ is a family.” 

It appears that it doesn’t matter what a kid needs.  It just matters what the adults want.

My Child Feels Left Out

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A mom is concerned about how her daughter, who has ADHD, is being treated by some young family relatives.  I think the concern should lie elsewhere:

Or watch other videos at youtube.com/DrLaura.

Read transcript here.