Recently, I took three of my lady friends and husband out to lunch at an amazing soup and sandwich place (by the way, my husband handled being surrounded by four women very well).
When the food arrived, the salads and sandwiches were great, but the soup was horrible. It was watery, had no flavor, and the vegetables were not cooked. The lady who sat us came over and asked how everything was, and I said the sandwiches were incredible and the salads were magnificent, but the soup was not very good.
Not three minutes had passed when the chef arrived at our table asking what was wrong with the soup. Now, I felt kind of bad, but I thought, “You know what, I’m paying and this is a service, not a favor.” So I told him we have soup there all the time and it’s always been really good, but today was a fluke. He said, “I appreciate you’re telling me that,” and offered to make us some dessert. As we were finishing up, the manager also came over. He said, “Thank you very much for telling us. This is the kind of feedback we need. We are very busy for a reason, and we try to take care of the customers and make the very best food we can. So thank you very much.”
I got thanked for complaining!
We have an innumerable amount of complaints and dissatisfactions during a day, but certainly not all of them are important to discuss. Women in particular tend to have a little a-tisket-a-tasket basket in which we accumulate a million little irritations throughout the day. We often call our friends and bond by bitching about the things in the basket. And when our husbands walk through the door, we start in on them.
When considering whether or not to complain, the first rule is don’t complain when you’re angry. Calm yourself down, or else you’ll look like an idiot. And you’ll look especially stupid if you get crazy about something that just happens as a part of life. For example, if you go insane when you go out to the parking lot and find a little ding on your car. You know, it’s actually sort of good when you get your first little ding because then you don’t have to be neurotic about the car anymore. You need to remind yourself that things just happen, and if you stay crazy and irate, the only person you’re hurting is yourself. The problem with complaining is if you just want to complain, you’re going to annoy a lot of people and make yourself sick.
The bottom line when considering which complaints to voice and which to let slide is you have to think through the full implications of leaving the problem unresolved and the long-term impact of solving the problem. You have to learn the difference between something you can change and something you can’t. It’s all about solving the problem.
For example, let’s take something trivial that happens at home. Your spouse finishes the roll of toilet paper and doesn’t replace it. Instead of complaining, just get a cute little basket and put some rolls of toilet paper in it. Then you can just say, “Sweetie, I know it’s a big pain in the neck to schlep all the way across the house, so look what I got. This makes it very easy to put a new roll on.” When you’re thinking about bringing something to your sweetie’s attention, think about what the resolution could be and offer it. Maybe they’ll have an even better idea about to resolve it. But either way, make the problem something to be resolved rather than a fight to be had.
So, the next time you’re thinking about complaining, ask yourself the following questions I found in the article titled, “The Squeaky Wheel”:
1. Would leaving the complaint unresolved affect the health or mental health of anyone concerned?
2. Could leaving the complaint unresolved erode the relationship with the other person over time?
3. Do you find yourself thinking about the issue frequently? Has it nagged at you over time?
4. Is the frustration, hurt, or disappointment you feel about the issue substantial?
5. Would resolving the complaint improve your quality of life?
6. Would resolving the complaint improve your mood in the short or long term? (then it’s worth dealing with)
7. Does leaving the complaint unresolved make you feel powerless and helpless?